And then I kept running.
* * * *
I heaved a sigh and stared out over the waters of the Hudson. Drakon was watching the boats bobbing up and down in the water as the sun sank behind Manhattan’s skyscrapers. We’d made a date—so to speak—with Ryan and Wanda to meet up at the Boat Basin Café and now we waited.
I’d been going back and forth, over and over in my mind, what I wanted. Over the course of a month, I talked to Raquel every day. As much as Slater had hurt me, God help me I still cared about him. He’d sent me flowers every day with apology cards on them. And I got a nice striptease at my apartment.
Some things never changed.
Drakon pushed me to go be with Slater, but I knew he was progressing faster without me there. Somehow, he was pushing himself even harder to get better to get back to me. I didn’t know how I felt about everything. Slater needed to concentrate on fixing himself.
And to be honest? I wasn’t sure I was ready to completely forgive him. Yeah, he was pissed. I get it. But how dare he cavalierly say he’d rather be dead? Not just because it hurt me, hurt his parents. But because there were families whose sons WERE dead. How dare he diminish that because he was struggling to recover?
Damn, I missed him like crazy.
“Why don’t you go see him?” Drakon asked.
I sighed in exasperation.
“For the last time, he’s recuperating ten times better without me.”
“So he has a goal?”
“Yes. Me, apparently. Raquel keeps me in the loop with everything.”
“Don’t you feel bad not being there by his side?”
I narrowed my eyes at Drakon.
“Don’t you think I ask myself that every day? Of course I want to be there! I wanted to be there the second I left. God, you weren’t there, Drakon—the things he said to me.”
I shook my head.
“But even you admit he said those things out of frustration.”
“Doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. When he said Mason was better off, I…I don’t know, I think that hurt worse than anything. Anyway, as I’ve said, Raquel seems to think he’s working much harder because he has a goal and if that works for him, then I’m staying away.”
“Oh, Casper.” Drakon smiled sadly at me.
“What?”
“You love him.”
I blinked.
Did I? I knew that when I’d thought I’d lost him, the ground seemed to open up beneath me. I wanted it to swallow me whole. As much as Mason’s death had left me in a state of despair, learning of Slater’s injuries had thrown me into a tailspin. Had I fallen in love with the snarky, inappropriate Slater Cassidy?
I knew I was smiling from ear to ear.
“Yeah, I do love him. God, I never thought I’d feel love again but here it is. I love that handsome, annoying man.”
“He is hot.” Drakon nodded.
“God, I’m so sorry. I haven’t been much of a friend to you, have I?”
“It’s okay, Casper. You have a lot going on.”
“Well, talk to me now. Tell me about everything.”
“Well, first off, the night of the party was awesome. I talked to this really nice guy.”
“Name?”
“I don’t know, we didn’t get to that part because then I got a text saying there was shit all over my floor,” Drakon sighed. “Story of my life.”
“Leave it to you to have a toilet overflow on the night you meet Prince Charming.”
“Oh yeah, and my dad and his plumber’s crack was awesome.” Drakon snorted.
It felt good to sit with Drakon. I was glad this time around I actually had friends to sit and talk with about my life. I’d had no one when Mason died.
“Woo hooo! Sexy mens!”
“Wanda,” I laughed as she approached the table.
“How are you, sweetie? How’s that fine-ass soldier of yours?”
“Oh hell,” I sighed.
“Uh oh, has he gotten worse?” Wanda sat down and eyed us both.
“Casper ran.” Drakon raised a brow at me.
“Oh my God, I keep telling you what happened, Drakon.” I threw my hands in the air. “Stop telling me what to do.”
“Sheesh,” Drakon sighed.
“Tell me everything.” Wanda propped her elbows on the table and stared at me.
We drank a few beers and ate pizza. Ryan came by and sat with us for a while. I didn’t ask him about the waiter thing and he didn’t bring it up. That was his private life. I told Wanda everything and she nodded a lot. She also told me to do what I felt was right, what my heart told me was right.
By the time I shut the door to my apartment at one in the morning, I was exhausted and ready for bed. I set the alarm and rolled to my side. The picture of Slater and me together sat on my nightstand. It was the one we’d had taken in Atlantic City. Slater was smiling and full of life.
This was my Slater, the one who drove me bat-shit crazy.
And I loved him.
Slater
I’m an asshole. I freely admit it. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and scowled at myself. My hair had grown back in and I was finally able to lift my right arm. All this self-reflection had come from me waking up and realizing I’d run off the man I loved with my stupidity. Was I angry I’d been wounded? Sure. Did it give me the right to spew hurtful things at Casper?
Nope.
It had been a month since my outburst and I was constantly sending him cards and more singing telegrams. My mom had gone to talk to him a week after he’d left and he asked to be kept apprised of my condition. I couldn’t blame him for staying away; God, the things I said to him.
I sighed loudly and got a smack to my head from Ramos.
“Ow! I did have a brain injury you know!”
“Yep, and I lost a leg. Boo fucking hoo.”
I eyed Ramos sideways. He was leaning against the wall with his new prosthetic on. It had been a long road for him. He was getting used to walking around on crutches while trying out his new leg. Pritchard had come to see us both and signed Ramos on for the campaign. Seems Casper’s idea was winning over quite a few people. I was impressed at the work Casper had done to rally the troops. Even Juan-Carlos had come to visit me. I sighed and leaned back, closing my eyes.
“You fucked up, my friend,” Ramos stated baldly.
“Don’t you think I know that? I’ve tried everything to get him back. He won’t speak to me. God, the things I said, Ramos…”
“You could always blame it on your head injury,” Ramos grinned.
“No, I have to own up to the things I said and did. God, I was so damn frustrated that I couldn’t lift my arm, or walk normally—and then I see you.” I shook my head sadly.
“Dude, you can’t compare yourself to me. I am a Spanish warrior,” Ramos chuckled and puffed out his impressive chest.
I smiled at him. “I’m going home soon. My mom has a nurse coming to the house and I’ll have physical therapy in my hometown. What are you going to do?”
“I have to spend some more time here.” Ramos scratched at his upper thigh. “I swear to God sometimes it feels like it’s still there, you know? The PT said it’s what they call phantom pains. But I swear to God it’s like it’s still there.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I wish—”
“Don’t be sorry for me, Cassidy. I’m still here. I can still breathe air, see the sun rise and set. Fuck, it’s good to be alive!”
I realized just then how much my words to Casper must have hurt him. Well, that was bullshit. I knew it a month ago, but hearing Ramos talk about how he loved life? After his experience? I shook my head. What the fuck was wrong with me? Casper had lost the love of his life; families had lost sons and daughters. And I had wished I were dead because I couldn’t walk and hold a cup.
“Stop thinking about it.” Ramos nudged me. “You’ll get him back. In the meantime, we have some other guys to go piss off.” Ramos grinned.
“Oh, the double amputees are at it again, eh?”
“They hid my crutches,” Ramos arched a brow. “I had to hop down the hall.”
“Well, we gotta hit the pool first.” I stood up and stretched out my back.
“Never a dull day. I’m coming to visit you as soon as I’m all healed up and ready to be set loose on society again.”
“I look forward to it.” I eyed Ramos’ upper thigh with a grin. “Love the pantyhose.”
“Yeah? I really wanted fishnet, but apparently they don’t make them.”
“Bastards,” I laughed.
“I know.”
* * * *
My first week back at home was surreal. Mom tended to me every second of every day. She needed rest; I could tell. She was worried about Casper and me as well. I heard her on the phone telling him I’d come home and the look on her face told me what I needed to know.
Casper still hadn’t forgiven me.
So I worked my ass off every damn day. I pushed and pushed to go further and faster. I wanted to be healed body, mind and soul before I went after Casper with both guns.
Spencer had come by with Blaine and Valerie a few times, and Blaine filled me in on Casper’s activities. He was working hard on the Rush campaign with Pritchard.
Ramos was in New York, staying with his parents in Queens. We talked on the phone daily and he’d let me in on the return of his girlfriend. I was happy for him.
But I missed Casper.
I lifted the weight above my head and held it there. My bicep began to shake the longer I held it up, and sweat formed on my brow.
“Slater, you need to pace yourself.”
I looked up at my mother and lowered the weight slowly.
“How is he?”
She sat down on the couch across from me and smiled sadly.
“I can tell he misses you, Slater.”
“Why did I have to say what I said?” I sighed and hung my head.
“You were frustrated and angry. I think Casper knows that, but the words?” Mom shook her head. “Oh, honey. I think you hurt him to his core.”
“I just want him back, Mom.”
“He cares, and that’s a start. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t call me and ask how you’re doing.”
“How do I fix this?”
“Fix yourself first. Be the man Casper deserves. The man I know you to be.”
“Well, let’s get started.”
A week later, I was working out in my living room when the doorbell rang. I wiped my forehead with a towel and opened the door. Ramos stood on the stoop smiling at me. He still had the crutches, but he seemed a lot more comfortable.
“You look like shit,” he said.
“Yeah? So do you.”
“You gonna let me in, asshole?”
“How did you get here?” I asked, stepping aside to let him by.
“I walked.” He rolled his eyes. “I took a cab, Einstein.”
Duh. I ignored him. “How are you?”
“Good. I heard from the Army. They want me to ride a desk.”
“Oh, hell no. Pushing a pencil around?”
“I said no, of course, but then they offered me something else. I’m going to work with guys just like me.”
I sat down and eyed Ramos. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. The offer is for you, too.”
“Wounded Warrior project?”
Ramos nodded.
Could I do that? Yes, I could because I knew what it was like to feel helpless. To be so angry at everyone that you wanted to hit them and beat your chest at the same time shouting at how unfair life was. I knew by the time my arm had fully healed, my time in the military would be at an end.
“Slater?”
“Yeah?”
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m not going to re-enlist.”
A loud whoop came from the kitchen and Mom poked her head out.
“Sorry.” She smiled. “Hey, Ramos!”
I smiled back and blew her a kiss. I knew why I wasn’t going to re-enlist—because I had every intention of making Casper Kennedy love me. I wouldn’t put him through this again.
“You’re doing it for Casper, aren’t you?” Ramos read my mind.
“Yes. As much as I loved my time in, I can’t go back now. Not after what Casper went through with Mason, and then with me. I want him in my life and I will do whatever it takes to get him back.”
“That’s the Cassidy I know!” Ramos clapped me on my back.
“Ow,” I winced.
“Pussy.”
“Asshole.”
* * * *
Driving was interesting. I knew I had somewhere to be, so I borrowed the car. I still had a few problems now and then with my peripheral vision, but I did okay on open road. I watched as the sun reached for the horizon and smiled to myself. It was early September and I was gaining ground every day. My new job involved working with Ramos alongside other wounded vets. My heart ached for each and every person who came through that facility missing a limb or suffering from a traumatic brain injury.
Ramos and I were proof you could come back.
You just had to want it.
I steered the car to the open side of the parking lot, away from all other cars. No need to hit someone else. I chuckled and got out of the car, stretching as I did. I’d gone for a run this morning before dawn and then got a crazy idea in my head. So here I was. I walked down all the rows until I came to one I knew. The cemetery was quiet. Now and then I heard a bird in the distance, but the quiet was what I wanted. I sat down in the grass and moved a fading flower out of the way.
“Hey, Mason. I want you to know that I’ll take excellent care of Casper just as soon as he lets me back in his life,” I laughed quietly. “I heard all about how you annoyed him to no end. I guess that works pretty well, huh?”
I sobered and rested my arms on my knees.
“He’s such a great person, you know? He loves with his whole heart. I want you to know that I love Casper, Mason. The things I said to him, I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. What I can promise is that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make him as happy as he was with you. He deserves that.”
I spent a good hour talking with Mason. I lifted my face to the sun and smiled. I was still here to feel the warmth on my skin. Still here to hear the birds in the distance. Still here to touch Casper. I stood up and placed a hand on Mason’s tombstone.
“I’ll make sure he’s happy, Mason. You have my word.”
* * * *
I looked around the office and flung the backpack over my shoulder. We were accompanying some soldiers to La Guardia today. They were being transferred back to their units. These men had spent months recuperating, seeing a counselor and doing physical therapy.