Fuck.
* * * *
I woke up with whiskers in my eye. Figaro was meowing at me and I rolled over to check the time. Five-thirty. I rolled out of bed and grabbed my backpack, making my way to the automatic coffee pot that was still gurgling. I texted Drakon, letting him know I was up and heading out to the gym early. I threw on my jogging shoes and exited the apartment. It was a warm New York morning. The city was already bustling as I jogged to the gym. I wasn’t a fan of treadmills. The scenery never changed and I always felt like a lab rat when I ran on one, so I enjoyed my morning run. We met at my gym during the week, as it was closer to his work than his was.
I was soaked in sweat by the time I got to the building and Drakon was out front, stretching.
“Hey,” I smiled at him. “Ready to sweat some pounds off?”
Drakon held the door open for me with a grin.
“I’m working on my biceps today. I need to put some muscle on. Maybe I’ll attract a hottie.”
I looked Drakon over with an appreciative eye. We’d kissed one time and both of us had laughed. It was like kissing my brother, if I’d had one. He was hotter than hell, we just didn’t have chemistry.
“The way you look?” I let my eyes roam southward.
“Stop that.” Drakon covered his crotch with a grin. “How was your night?”
We walked through the doors and got a nod from the guy at the desk. I walked over to the weight bench and plopped back on it.
“Slater e-mailed me.”
Drakon sighed dramatically. “Oh my God, the gorgeous Army Ranger e-mailed you? The horror!”
“And he was online when I answered.”
“How did that go?”
I grabbed the bar and lifted the weight. I hadn’t told anyone about Mason and I didn’t really want to get into it with Drakon either. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him; I just hated that look of pity when I told the story.
“As always, he was annoying. He’s coming home in June.”
Drakon spotted me as I pumped my arms up and down.
“If you don’t want him, can I have a shot?”
My stomach lurched and I almost dropped the barbell on my chest. Drakon grabbed the bar before it hit me. He smiled down at me knowingly.
“Uh huh. That’s what I thought.” He winked at me. “Methinks thou dost protest too much.”
I sat up and rubbed my face with my hands.
“I…can’t, Drakon. It’s a long story, but I just can’t be with Slater. Even if I find him ridiculously hot. It’s not going to happen.”
Drakon crouched down to me and lifted my face to his.
“No player spends this much time trying to get a man, Casper. He’s been sending you e-mails, cards—hell, singing telegrams—since January. Someone who looks like him could have moved on a long time ago.”
I furrowed my brows. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not dating a man in the military. Period.”
Drakon searched my eyes, and then shrugged. “Okay, I won’t push.”
I exhaled. “Thank you.”
We worked out for an hour on the weights and I pushed myself to my limit. I knew it was my depression and anger, and it worked to my advantage. Drakon nudged me as we were finishing up. I glanced to where he was looking and smiled. Our buddy Ryan had just arrived. Ryan was looking around in a panic. I waved to get his attention and he looked as if he might pass out from relief. We’d met him a few months back and he seemed skittish. Ryan made his way over quickly, darting looks from side to side.
“Hey, Ryan. How are you?”
“Sorry I’m late,” Ryan said quietly.
“It’s cool. We’ve still got the stair climber,” Drakon said with a smile.
I studied Ryan closely. He seemed a little more skittish than normal.
“Hey, is everything okay?”
“Um, yeah. I’m good.”
I knew what it was like to be prodded within an inch of your life, so I wasn’t going to do it to Ryan. We spent the next hour climbing god-awful stairs then hit the pool. By the time we were done, I could barely move. We all left together after showering. Outside, New York was coming to life.
“So, breakfast?” I asked.
Drakon moaned and hitched his bag over his shoulder. “I could use a Twinkie.”
Ryan laughed.
By eight, I had parted ways with the guys and was headed to work. Even though Blaine had said nine o’clock, I always went in early just to make sure things were running smoothly. Hawke Advertising had the biggest building on Broadway; you couldn’t miss it if you tried.
I settled in behind my desk and checked out the calendar. We were scheduled to meet with Anderson Pritchard, the CEO of Rush, in the next two weeks and we still didn’t have a face—or body—for their campaign. I sighed and opened the newest folder of models. As I flipped through them, I couldn’t help but think of Slater; they were big muscular guys with high cheekbones and square jaws.
I stood up when I heard the elevator bell and the sound of voices headed my way. Blaine came into the office with Spencer at his side. It was so cute to see them together. I had gotten a front row seat to watch their love story unfold.
“Hey, Casper.” Spencer winked at me. “How are you? My fiancé driving you crazy yet?”
“Nope, but these pictures will.” I held up the folder and sighed.
Spencer sighed theatrically. “Oh, no! Staring at hot guys all day? You poor thing.” He mussed my hair and I batted his hand away.
“So, the meeting is coming up soon, eh?” Spencer kissed Blaine on the cheek.
“Yeah, it is, and I don’t know what we’re going to do if they don’t settle on one guy. We’ve been through hundreds of pictures! I swear I don’t know what the hell they’re looking for.” Blaine sighed in exasperation.
“We’ll find him, boss,” I smiled.
“Well, I’ll leave you two to it. I’ll try to come by later with lunch.” Spencer stroked Blaine’s cheek and kissed him.
I felt weird standing there watching them. They were so in love.
I’d been alone for so long, I think my body craved attention. I’d given it my fair share, but someone else doing it would be nice. I almost gasped at the thought. Someone else? I hadn’t wanted affection since…well, since Mason.
“Casper? Are you all right?”
I looked up to see Blaine and Spencer eyeing me warily.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I said with a grin. “Let’s get to work.”
Blaine moaned.
“By the way, I heard from Slater.” I watched their faces closely. “Any idea how he got my e-mail address?”
Blaine looked at the ceiling, and Spencer joined him. I crossed my arms and glared at them.
“Um, it’s on the website?” Blaine offered.
“That’s my work e-mail, not my personal one.”
“I have no clue,” Spencer said seriously, smiling at Blaine.
“I hate you both.” I narrowed my eyes at them.
“We love you, though.” Blaine put his arms out. “Come here.”
“Go away.” I laughed and headed toward Blaine’s office with the folder.
“Have fun!” Spencer called out.
“Pfft.”
Slater
“Yo, Cassidy! You planning on taking all the hot water?”
I looked over my shoulder to see one of my battle buddies, Ramos, smiling at me with his lopsided grin. The women went crazy for him, don’t ask me why. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“I’m contemplating whether or not to shave my nads, asswipe.”
Ramos chuckled.
“You got crabs again, Cassidy?” he snickered.
“Fuck no, thank God!”
I had to laugh. I’d gotten the little fuckers when the team had gone to Thailand very early in my career, during our first deployment. I had always thought of crabs as little crustaceans hanging from pubes—until I actually got them. Worse itching of my fucking life. I had shaved my pubes right off and powdered my dick and balls.
“Why don’t you use that shit that just melts the hair away?” Ramos stood against the wall and crossed his arms.
I almost gave him my look of horror. I had used that shit about a year back. If I thought an itching sac was bad, a burning one was so much worse. I had followed the directions, but I was in for a nasty surprise. Not only did it burn my asshole, but I could have sworn the skin on my sac melted right off. I was curled in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas gingerly applied to my flaming asshole and balls as I cried for the good Lord to take me swiftly.
I raised a brow at Ramos instead. “Have you used it?”
“Nah, my girl likes me hairy.”
“Well, if she ever changes her mind, you should use it. I know chicks loved licking my balls when I was shaved,” I added. I’d been with men lately, but women had indeed been enthusiastic about the lack of hair. I really hoped Ramos would do it. He’d pulled so many damn pranks on me; I owed him a good one.
“Yeah?” His brows furrowed.
“Oh hell yeah! Chicks dig soft balls.”
Besides, I owed him for the he/she in Thailand, and I finally had a chance to get him good.
“Maybe,” Ramos waved a hand at me. “So, you ’bout done?”
“Yeah, gimme five.”
I stepped out of the shower facility and was immediately sweating. Damn, the sandbox was always so fucking hot. Our Containerized Housing Unit, or CHU for short, was just as sweltering if not more.
I threw on a uniform and jogged to the chow hall. Most of the guys were already there. It was steak and shrimp night. Nobody missed that. I grabbed a tray and piled it high, finding my guys; I sat down at the end of the table and attacked my food.
The conversation centered on our last jaunt into town. Ramadi was unstable even now; you never knew what you were walking into. I got an elbow to my side and then Ramos pushed me across the bench.
“Asshole,” I muttered, stuffing a shrimp in my mouth.
“So, leave, huh?” Ramos grabbed his steak with both hands and bit into it.
“Yep, thirty long days of peace and quiet.”
“Damn, Cassidy!” Ramos spluttered. Pieces of steak hit the table.
I grinned. “Use it or lose it, my friend.” I shoved another shrimp in my mouth triumphantly.
“What the fuck ya gonna do for that long?”
I smiled wickedly. I knew exactly what I’d be doing, and with whom. Casper Kennedy. I was going to take him out on a date if it was the last thing I did. I have no idea why he affects me the way he does, but from the moment I set eyes on him, I was a goner. Oh, he pretended he didn’t want me, but I knew he did. It was the way his eyes looked me over, the way his hands shook slightly when I came close to him. I knew because it was the same way I felt around him.
“I’m going to take long walks on the beach and scorching bubble baths.”
“Ya gonna catch a chick flick, too?” Ramos laughed.
“Maybe,” I shrugged. “I figured I’d try on my mom’s dresses and high heels while I’m at it.”
Ramos leaned back and eyed me from toes to head. I smiled broadly as he raised a brow at me.
“I can’t see you in high heels.”
“But you can see me in a dress?”
“I hope it’s Vera Wang.”
I chuckled as one of the few females at our camp walked by us.
“I wouldn’t wear anything else, Harris!” I sing-songed. “I got class out my ass.”
“Cassidy here is going on leave for thirty days,” Ramos announced.
“Damn, Cassidy!” Harris exclaimed. “How in the hell did you pull that off?”
“I’m on a mission,” I winked.
Sirens went off and we all flew off the bench. Ramos was right behind me as I ran to our CHU for my weapon and gear. The first round came over the wall and obliterated the media trailer, the second hit the infirmary. Shouting and sounds of gunfire erupted all around us. We ran to meet up with other soldiers by the front gate. Our commanding officer was there already yelling orders and as soon as we heard what he wanted, we were out.
The full moon illuminated our surroundings as we crept through the desert. We kept low with our night vision goggles on waiting to see where the enemy fire was coming from. A shot rang out and we dropped to our bellies.
“You see that?” Ramos whispered.
“Yep.”
Another RPG round flew out into the dark and this time, we pinpointed them. Ramos radioed back the location and then all hell broke loose. Sounds of automatic weapons filled the desert and I fired back. Explosions rocked the earth beneath me as the camp began firing at the location we’d given them. We kept firing until smoke choked the air and quiet fell upon the desert. We stayed in stealth mode until we got the all clear from the surrounding teams and the spotter.
As we came back inside camp, medical units were already assessing the injured. I glanced over at Ramos to see him frowning. This wasn’t the first time—nor would it be the last—we would be attacked. I was looking forward to getting the fuck outta Dodge.
* * * *
I peered around the CHU, making sure I had everything I needed. I was finally going home. I’d already had the ‘Later, dude’ party at the chow hall and was now on my way to the airfield where I would sit for hours on lockdown before I finally caught a flight out of the hell-hole I was in. I wouldn’t miss it, that was for sure.
I’d had way too many close calls in the years I’d been in the military. I kept the stories to myself; my mother would have a heart attack if she knew how much danger I faced every day. I hadn’t told her exactly what day I was coming home; I wanted it to be a surprise. And I was looking forward to seeing my brother in love and holding my niece. Victoria was getting bigger and I wanted the hugs while I could get them.
I checked my paperwork for the hundredth time as I was escorted to the waiting area. I prayed there wouldn’t be a freak sandstorm that kept me grounded for days on end. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes.
Home.
An ache formed in my chest as I thought about all the things I missed about New York, Casper Kennedy being at the top of that list. Everyone I knew had someone to go home to, a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. I was starting to think I was ready for that.
“Sergeant?”
I opened my eyes.
“It’s time.”
* * * *
“Get out of the way, asshole!”
“Ah, New York.” I smiled as I walked through the baggage claim at La Guardia.
I was in a good mood and no one was going to wreck it. I’d had a few hours to kill in Dallas and had spent most of it in the USO section of the airport. I’d had quite a few people thank me for my service as well.