A Slave to the Fantasy (11 page)

She liked it, even if she wasn't able to get by the
weirdness of it. More to the point, Tanya never fully bought into
the idea of them as a couple or that he would ever actually come
all the way to Manila to meet her in person.

Additionally, and more relevant, when she started
work right after the night of self-pleasure and dirty messaging
with Roberts, her world shifted immediately. When she met Bendato
at lunch of the very first day, she knew she'd let him inside her.
He gazed at her and interacted with her with such power and
confidence. He didn't telegraph his interest directly, but he made
it clear he thought of her romantically and sexually.

Bendato Martinez was basically a grunt stock manager
that worked in the shipping warehouse for the same company as her.
He didn't have huge ambitions beyond trying to have fun and get
great looking pussy (as he always called it). When he laid on eyes
on Tanya, he knew the game was on.

She was far from the hottest girl he'd seen, but he
loved her body and smile. She had a dirty glint in her eye which
told him she'd be down. Besides, even if these basically
conservative girls of the Philippines with a Catholic background
and close family heritage said no, it would turn to yes with a
little prodding and effort. Even if it didn't, he knew that it
didn't matter. They were everywhere.

Tanya was no different and in that regard, he saw
nothing different or special about her. He loved the curves on her
body and as a light-skinned man, he was fascinated by her deep dark
skin.

His plan was the same as always: flirt, befriend,
steer clear of the usual boring connections like on social media
the guys who weren't having sex with her (but wanted to) we're
using (like facebook). Keep the mystery alive, and keep gently
nudging her towards the objective.

And if he didn't get there, who cares? He had
multiple options going all the time. It was fun to be a young man
in his early 20s with “game.”

When Roberts finally did make his trip to meet Tanya
and spend time getting to know her, he'd known that there was
someone else during that period. It was unmistakable the reason
why. About 7 months earlier she had confessed that she was in fact
a mother. The father, like so many in her country (and like her
own), simply was nowhere to be found.

Even though this was slightly untrue, she laid the
story out that way to not only Samuel Roberts, but anyone whom she
thought might be useful or whom she hoped to have any sort of
relationship with. Her thinking: I had better get this out of the
way up front.

With Roberts, that wasn't how it went. After all,
she'd known she longed to be taken by Bendato from basically the
moment she first met him. When she sensed he was interested in her
and wanted her, she was secretly thrilled. Of course this wasn't
brought up to Roberts in any of their increasingly less frequent
chats.

Whether this behavior was diabolical on the part of
Tanya was definitely open for debate. The reality of women, no
matter which country they are from, is they'll withhold private
information about a lover to another interested man for any number
of reasons.

Tanya didn't really pinpoint a reason why in her own
mind. It wasn't in her nature to sit and spend long stretches
trying to figure everything out. The reality, people simply don't
want to have the truth-seeking conference with themselves either.
It wasn't just a female thing. We often avoid uncomfortable truths
arrived at by uncomfortable internal reflection.

It could have been she liked Roberts and didn't want
to risk losing any chance they might have had (however slight she
deep down believed those chances to be). It could have been she
didn't want to confront the nature of her stormy relationship with
Bendato and face the choices she'd made. It could have been she
feared Roberts reaction as it had been largely negative from many
of her long-time friends (especially the ones who had chosen the
steady nice boyfriends like the one Tanya had dumped right after
meeting Samuel Roberts online).

She didn't actually know why. Still, despite the
decisions she had made, she was able to keep Roberts interested
enough for him to sink thousands into this trip.

Bendato was nowhere in her life but she longed for
him to be. Partly because she missed his touch and the torrid
lovemaking and how it completed her. Partly because she wanted to
justify her choice of fathers to the world. Partly because her
choice of men as a single mother was now drastically limited.
Partly because she didn't really want anyone else and couldn't
picture wanting anyone else.

Her conversations with Roberts leading up to his
visit were hardly those of a woman deeply interested in a new
romance. When he had expressed his willingness to be with her
without concern for the ramifications of her being a single mother,
she had seemed indifferent to dismissive. When he bluntly told her
he wanted her in his life, she became agitated, even so far as
telling him “she never” wanted more than a casual long-distance
correspondence friend ship.

For his part, Roberts truly was, for the longest
time, slave to the fantasy. What she couldn't comprehend was when
he finally arrived in the Philippines, he no longer was. If Tanya
sought to manipulate him now, it would be much more difficult. She
could see it right away in how he carried himself. Where before, if
she asked for something he would have granted it (for the obvious
purpose of tempting her to be his lover), now that was far less
likely.

His interest was now mostly satisfying his own
curiosity. Secondarily, he was craving the chance to bring his new
evolution and transformation to a venue he was long interested in:
the Philippines. This country stood out with its collection of
seemingly unspoiled women who smiled often. Their petite thin
bodies and enchanting dark skin and Asian features, had a deep hold
on Roberts. For whatever reason, women in the US couldn’t measure
up. So it would remain, at least until the fascination was fed
sufficiently.

They were really two different people than they were
3 years earlier but for far different reasons. The tragedy about
what was to come on this trip was a monument to the nature of
obsession and the power of sexual energy. He was trapped in a
dangerous web of his own making. Merely embarking on this trip had
sent events in motion out of his control.

…

Tanya had no feelings for this man. She had
curiousity. She liked him but didn't love him. Why couldn't he see
that? All the long stretches she ignored him, plus she made it
clear. It set her into the worst kind of dislike for such a good
man that he thought she could be “won” without making her feel
sexy.

He didn't and now Blake was involved setting Roberts
up for a despicable fate.

She didn't care enough to stop it. At her core she
didn't understand the plight of others or have the capacity to
care. Her soul was as much a whore as her body.

Chapter 15—Breakthrough

He hadn't been up in front of a crowd since he
meltdown. Samuel Roberts was channelling Tanya Carasco for
inspiration. Of all people. The excitement of his journey to Manila
in a couple days to claim her as his own.

Even though he told himself that it wasn't about
that. Deep inside of him it was. Now he was going to be great
again, not for himself but for her. She would see what an amazing
man he was and fall for him immediately.

An incredibly naïve and short-sighted view. The
mindset that made her feel hatred for him and his kind.

The twisted nature of love, lust and fantasy with
Tanya Carasco.

He thought he knew but he knew nothing. All his
seminars could never prepare him for a guiltless being like the
simple peasant girl with a dark past.

...

“What it came down to was an understanding of women
in a way the so-called dating experts didn't know how to convey.
The men who truly see all women at their essence will operate
fearlessly and with maximum sexual presence around them.”

When Roberts read this, it all went off like a
lightbulb. He knew that it might not ever be the same again with
not only women, but every other aspect of his life. Because after
mastering women (or at least the attraction of them), he knew the
rest of his life would fall much easier into place. No more feeling
powerless around them. No more feeling needy for the company of
women. No more wasted days and nights on energy-draining
pornography.

Women were and are the juice. This was inarguable. If
he could get attraction down, how every other aspect of his life
was operating, might actually shift dramatically. He had no way of
knowing, but he'd wager on this simple principle.

In sum, there was nothing much more for him to do but
replace the porn he was consuming and replace it with more natural
women doing less sexual aggressive things. This was also known as
women “being natural”. The more natural women you know and the more
emotional you get in relation to them, the more your energy shifts
to powerful around all women.

He knew about energy and it’s power from his use of
pornography. He knew that it not only drained him of energy for the
day, it made him fearful and unnatural around the most physically
attractive women. This fear manifested itself in jumpy behavior
with faster talking and most importantly, an inability to create
eye contact with a woman he found sexually desirable.

All these behaviors were happening unconsciously and
were the direct result of him seeing the social creation of beauty:
overdone hair, make-up, skimpy clothing, challenging aggressive
behavior, often in a sexual manner. All these depictions of women
were incorrect because they were unnatural. When emotions were
attributed to them (often the very powerful emotion attached to
sexual energy in the form of masturbation) it reinforced that
incorrect image inside him. His unconscious behavior would thus
weaken in the presence of a sexy real live female.

This theory and related teachings had an instant
audience in Roberts. He knew from experience that he felt weakened
and fearful around women after a morning where he was using porn to
completion. He also knew at other times when he didn't use porn and
maybe had proper rest and a positive experience early in the day,
he felt excited, powerful, and fearless.

There was also another key observation he noted time
and again, a man who was scared or acted scared, or was simply shy,
never had much success with women. This was without regard to how
good looking he was or his job or his car or any of it. On the
other hand, fearless men who were fat or skinny, bald or had messy
hair, or were socially retarded by comparison to many men, still
did very well. It always came down to this “something” about
him.

Well this is what it was. This “something” was now
explained in his mind. Roberts was convinced.

This was what attracted Justene to him that groggy
morning in the airport. This was what made him effectively take her
from cold to bed in under three meetings. She was a beautiful girl
for sure.

He remembers asking her the night after they did most
everything but sex (their third meeting), how many guys approached
her in the airports on her journey home when they met. Her answer:
over 20.

This was the life of a physically attractive girl in
western society? Fending off men constantly and having innumerable
choices.

So how does she ultimately choose? There is just
“something” about the one she picks.

Roberts knew from study, what he didn't have
naturally, he surely needed to develop. So he did so in his mind
and in his practice.

Then came Manila.

…

Other than finally having the money, he didn't really
have an answer for why he was doing this insanely long trip just to
meet one woman.

Well the first thing was it was actually multiple
women. But make no mistake Tanya Carasco was the main attraction.
That's what nearly 4 years of deep emotions invested will do to
you.

When you hang around that long hoping just for any
sort of sign of validation. When you are more or less told outright
by your longtime internet love that she has no interest in being
part of your life. When you know she has been with another man
during the time you pined for her, had a child by him and sensed
from correspondence (where she denied it was a good idea to take
the father to court to get child support) that she was still
longing for a reconciliation with him.

When you keep coming despite all of those things, you
are inarguably obsessed with this girl.

This truth stared him deep in the soul as he got his
rental car instructions for the drive from the Manila airport to
her house to the north. To Roberts it was surprising she would have
him to her house without ever having met face to face, especially
when she was always so focused on privacy.

Tanya told authorities she did it because she did
actually trust him. Plus she knew it would be impressive to her
family to have a well-off American coming to see her. These family
members were people who had been mostly negative and judgmental
around her since she became pregnant.