A Slave to the Fantasy (4 page)

“That's not what I am talking about,” Roberts shot
back. “I can leave this country at any time. Any time I want. I
have money. They have nothing. They have a crude object they keep
trying to link to me and passport the girl clearly left there to
frame me.

“So I was fucking this peasant skank and he was too.
I didn't know. How could I?”

“I don't know, you tell me,” Blake asked in a way
that was obviously trying to incite his subject. “You tell me. Why
did you come here?. You say its wanting my help? But you know I'll
turn you in if I think you did it. You signed a waiver right off
the bat. It makes no sense. It's like you are paying me to do
nothing but I could finish you any time.”

“Fuck you doc,” Roberts said shaking his head. “Man I
love the beauty of these women here. So tiny. Fuckable. Beautiful
with their jet black hair. Like Andi, but friendly. They all seem
to want me by comparison to those American chicks.”

“Did anyone ever tell you that you are blunt and
honest about your perception of women, and that it sounds like an
adolescent?” Blake asked pointedly.

“Like I could care at this point. But let's be real:
I am glad that prick is dead. Sure I am,” Roberts admitted with a
wry smile. “At least he had his fun. Banging Tanya was a huge
highlight for me. Had I had her when I was like 16, things would be
totally different. But then I wouldn't be here spending good money
asking you for help.”

Blake smiled quickly, scribbled furiously and came to
this: “Tell me about Tanya and you. Almost 4 years? Really?”

…

Tanya believed all men were liars. All except Dr.
Blake and Bendato Martinez. When the loved her they were lying to
themselves about who they were and who they could be. They were
lying to her because they felt so strongly about her even though
she knew they couldn't have known.

It started with Louie her first boyfriend. He
professed his everlasting devotion to her after they dated a couple
times. She felt none of it, but the pressure to go along and not be
different mean acceptance.

She longed for real love, not pre-programmed
affections. She panicked when he told her he loved her.

“I love you too,” she said.

It would be the last time she said those words to
anyone but her baby until the day would come for true love far in
the distant future. With a man she didn't know then but would.

Until then, she would be lost and adrift in this
world. She knew it and it gave her great comfort to know of her
certain plight.

Chapter 5-- Intensity

Murder. Samuel Roberts surely committed it in his
heart and mind. If he couldn't account for a point in time when the
police alleged a murder took place of a man who was his rival for
his one great love, then he surely could be guilty.

As he spent a night in a real cell, the meeting hours
earlier with Judge Yaso in his chambers seemed to be part of wholly
other life. He would lie even if he would be uncovered he would lie
some more. Because if he denied his deep hatred for Tanya's lover
he could protect himself.

The truth was he knew all along about him but simply
ignored the obvious. He was manipulated and abused by great
beauty.

He was losing all confidence because he still loved
her. Her dark haunting eyes and silky mocha skin.

He feared her because he held no power over her
inside himself. He began to cry uncontrollably again. But more
tears then the last time. His weakness was destroying his carefully
built self-image.

Samuel Roberts felt so alone. Not because he was in
the true sense, but because he hated himself for everything. Maybe
he did kill him? Maybe he deserved the hell that would mean?

...

“You don't want to know. Should I even be telling you
this?” Roberts asked. “You are just going to turn me in if you
think I killed this loser.”

“Why would I do that? There's no evidence right?”
Blake stated in a somewhat credulous manner like he was asking
again because he simply wasn't sure. “You aren't going to get
nailed for something you didn't do correct?”

“Ha!” Roberts stated somewhat sarcastically. “You
know as well as I do that they would love to make a collar on me
AND love to pin it on a non-Filipino.”

“How have your interactions gone with them?” Dr.
Blake asked. “You think they are out to get you? I mean it doesn't
make sense the way you are seeing it. It's paranoia. They don't
hate Americans here. I make amazing money. I pay very little taxes.
I've never been bothered once. Getting my license to practice was a
snap. I don't have the big client list like back in the States
sure, but life is pretty great.”

“Look Dr. Blake, I wish I never fucking saw this
place. That crap website. The whole bit,” Roberts stated flatly. “I
loved her. I don't know how. You probably don't know how. Yeah 4
years. I'll tell you something else, I would have done anything for
her. I saw her getting plowed by that loser on the video and I felt
like I wanted to die. I really did.”

“Rage?” Dr. Blake asked. “You wanted him dead didn't
you? Who the hell could blame you? He was all over your dream
lover. The girl you fantasized about for going on a half-decade. I
saw the video. She loved the way he was doing her. You ever see her
express like that when you were fucking her?”

“Not going to work Doc,” Roberts replied with
surprising composure and with short cadence.”Things have changed
drastically. They changed over time, but they changed. I say with
all honesty that Tanya, Manila, the sex, all of it. This was all
about completing what I started. Look at it like this: Ever hear of
the concept of sunken costs?

“Yes. It's an economics principle?” Dr. Blake said.
“So you are saying you wanted to meet her because of the 4 years
and all the aggravation, and no other reason?”

“No. No. No,” Roberts answered shaking his head.
“There were a lot of reasons, but of course I wanted her. I had a
lot invested in her. Emotionally. It was love in my mind, but
here's the key: I no longer felt desperate. I no longer had to have
it work.”

“So who cares? You still felt awful when you saw the
video?” Blake asked.

“I can only tell you what I was feeling and the
process of how that came to be,” Samuel said. “If you know that
progression, you'd know I am no murderer. No one was that
important. I learned that with everything I went through.”

Roberts fidgeted around and checked his cell
phone.

“Doc, can we pick this up next time?” Roberts asked.
“I actually have a date.”

“Do you think that is wise?” Dr. Blake asked. “Being
seen out and about with more local girls?”

“No. Probably not. I'll cancel. I don't need any one
girl right?” Samuel asked jokingly and with a light fun
laughter.

“Let's talk about my greatest blunders and
embarrassments. I mean speaking as a man who was nearly
40-years-old before he had his first sexual experience. Let's talk
about me and Tanya.”

“You fell for her online?” You ever cam her even? My
understanding from reading your intake was no?” Blake asked.

“No. Never did. Believe it or not, at first I was
scared because I didn't want to scare her off,” Roberts said
shaking his head and smiling. “I was thinking about everything. The
age difference. How was I going to come across. Don't forget, I had
no money to make the trip. I kept telling myself I would find the
money, but we're talking thousands and I had next to nothing. Not
to mention, no job.”

“Sounds like pure fantasy?” Blake asked like he knew
or at least believed he knew the answer.

“And I was addicted to it. Especially the first two
years. There was a lot going on in my life and it probably was good
overall but it also was slow in happening.” Roberts said. “I wish
it wasn't like that, but when you are going through some things,
processes of change. It doesn't happen overnight. Especially
positive change.

“So tell me about the first two years,” Dr. Blake
requested as he recrossed his legs. “At the beginning it was
exciting?”

“Yes. Very,” Samuel said. “There was enough there to
make me think it was definitely going somewhere. There was dirty
talk very early on. I talked a lot about licking her pussy and she
loved that. Said it made her wet. On and on. Like that.”

“So what happened?” Blake asked.

“I don't know. Nothing really. After the dirty talk
started, it sort of ended rather abruptly,” Roberts said. “She came
out and tried to say it surprised her coming from me. Even hinted
that she wasn't comfortable with it. Things like that.”

“Why would you care about that?” Blake asked. “She
participated in it at first?”

“Yeah,” Samuel agreed. “I learned during all this
that women can run hot and cold. Didn't know that before. I took
all the behavior swings seriously and personally. But when I felt
like I only had one option, like it had to happen with this one
girl, I deeply felt everything that happened in these chats
probably way too deeply. It's never good to push for your own
feelings. Push to create feelings in the girl instead.”

“Interesting,” Blake said. “Can you give me an idea
what you mean?”

“Sure,” Roberts answered cheerfully (clearly loving
the attention, and even more loving the confidence in his acquired
knowledge base/skill set). “I always was fixated on what I was
feeling and trying to manage that and use the girl to get my
feelings and needs taken care of. I should have been focusing fully
on what the girl was feeling. Taking what I knew made her attracted
and trying to create that feeling in her as often as possible.
Making that the default I tried to get her back to. That's the key.
Do that and women have a way of automatically giving you what you
need.”

“Is this the whole concept of effortless attraction
you talk about in your intake?” Blake asked.

“Yes in a lot of ways,” Roberts said, (clearly really
feeling great about himself). “What she is feeling for you is the
most important thing. When you look at it from that perspective,
you start to become focused on attractive behaviors. You see
behaviors, especially unconscious sexual behaviors, are what
attract women, same as how how looks are the biggest deal to men. I
found out my whole goal should have been to become great at those
behaviors.”

“You talked about role reversal where you think about
what definitely doesn't attract you as a man to a woman?” Blake
said.

“Yup,” Roberts said. “If you want to really simplify
things for yourself, simply cut out the stuff you are doing you
know isn't working. For example, we men don't like needy women who
beg us in their behaviors, why would we think women would want
that? Maybe it's the damn love songs and movies and tv sit coms
that play up how if we try hard enough and want her bad enough, we
get the girl.

“Another one is acting nice. We don't want to be
around boring women. We may sleep with her if she is hot, but we'll
get bored fast. We want to be around people with individual spirit
and edge.”

“Uh. Huh. Getting back around to Tanya: did she have
that?” Dr. Blake asked. “I mean did she attract you in that way by
being her own person and not being needy?”

“Hell yes. Big time Doc,” Samuel answered
emphatically. “Keep in mind, all I had to go off of were pictures
and what evolved into facebook interactions. She actually
disappeared and quit talking to me for a couple months. I created a
cover story for her at first. I latched on to every excuse besides
the obvious. Big mistake.”

“Can you explain that for me please?” Dr. Blake
requested.

“Take women at face value. If they are attracted, if
they are interested, they won't disappear for long. I learned
that,” Samuel said. “I was kidding myself by not simply seeing
reality. But everybody's reality is different and depends a great
deal on your level of experiences. Maybe I was hungry for love but
didn't really understand what that meant.”

“You have thought this through deeply,” Dr. Blake
noted. “You know it makes me wonder how you could get into
something like this in the first place. I think you are smart. You
have advanced degrees and all that, but you thought all this
through.”

“Being smart doesn't mean you are any good with
women,” Samuel noted. “I am living proof. I was always in my head
thinking instead of simply acting on what I felt as a man. Same old
issue each and every failure. You have no idea what failing that
many times does to your desires. It makes them run deeper. It makes
you chase your desire.”

“So where is Tanya?” Blake asked suddenly and
directly.

“Huh?” Samuel seemed shocked.

…

The report was delivered by courier to head of
pending murder investigations. On the outside it read: Dr.
Blake.

The conclusion: “Mr. Roberts carries with him
deep-seeded hatred and jealousy towards the victim. There is no
doubt he carries with him the necessary rage and capacity to kill
Bendato Francisco Martinez. Beyond that, he could easily mastermind
such a crime.”