“I had to.”
I could feel his tears dripping on my face, mingling with my own, and still he moved, sliding in and out of me with perfect rhythm. I hovered near the edge, not so close that I couldn't think, but close enough that I knew he could push me over any time he wanted.
“You didn't have to,” I protested. “Jasper lied. You weren't sick. He let you kill yourself. He took you from me.”
“No, baby. You know he didn't.” Allen rained kisses across my cheeks. “It was my choice. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. But you know Jasper.”
“I don't want to think about Jasper.” I slid my hands down his back to cup his firm ass. “I just want you.”
“And I want you.” He brushed his lips against mine. “Always.”
He took my mouth as he moved faster. His tongue plundered, tasting, exploring every inch even as he drove into me hard enough to make me forget everything we'd been talking about. All I could think about was how he rubbed against me, how the base of his cock pressed against my clit, creating the most delicious friction.
I gasped and moaned, and he swallowed each sound. His arms slid around me, and he crushed me against his chest, his body covering every inch of mine. I was surrounded by him, full of him. He was in me, around me, filling me. I breathed him in, tasted him.
“Come for me one last time, my love.” His mouth was against my ear. “I want to feel you come apart under me, feel you squeeze my cock until I come inside you. Let me come inside you one last time.”
I squeezed my eyes closed more tightly. I couldn't think about it. One last time. I didn't want it to be one last time. I wanted to stay here forever, stay like this forever. When I'd married him, I'd thought we'd be growing old together, that I wouldn't have to worry about being without him until we were both gray.
“Come for me, Shae.” He lightly bit down on my earlobe, and it sent me over the edge.
I called out his name as I came again, pushing up against him. He pushed deep, my name a groan on his lips as he spilled himself inside me. I clung to him, riding out the pleasure, desperate to keep him inside me, keep our bodies together. I never wanted to let him go.
As he rolled us onto our sides, I hooked my leg over his hip, pulling him closer. He reached out and tucked some hair behind my ear.
“It's time, Shae.”
I shook my head. “No.” I put my hand on his cheek. “We promised to be together forever.”
“No, sweetheart.” He put his hand over mine and pulled it down, twining our fingers together. “We promised until death parted us.”
I winced.
“It's okay that you fell in love again.”
“But, Jasper...”
He leaned forward and stopped a sentence with a firm kiss. “You have the best heart, Shae. You need to listen to it.”
“But what about...”
“No.” Allen was firm. “What does your heart tell you?”
I sniffled. “That I love you.”
“No, sweetheart. You
loved
me. And a part of you always will, but it's okay that you love someone else now.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “What does your heart tell you about Jasper?”
I didn't want to think about it, but I knew Allen was waiting for me to answer. “I love him.” The words caught in my throat. “And he loves me.”
“He does,” Allen agreed.
“And he loved you.”
“He did.”
The truth hit me hard enough to make me gasp, and I knew it had been there all along. I just hadn't wanted to see it because I'd been scared. Scared of loving him. Scared of losing him like I'd lost Allen. So I'd pushed him away before I could get too close. I'd used what I'd seen as an excuse even though I'd known in my heart that something was wrong, that there had to be a better explanation.
“He'd never do anything to hurt you,” I said.
“And he never would have hurt you, not for a million dollars. Not for anything.” He brushed his hand over the tears on my face. “You have to tell him.”
“I will,” I promised. I wrapped myself around him. “But not yet.”
“Yes, sweetheart.” Allen grasped my shoulders and pulled me back so he could look at me. “It's time.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, not yet. I don't want to lose you again.”
“I'm already gone, Shae.” He gave me a sad smile, and I didn't think about why I could see him now. I just wanted to stare at him forever.
“Stay with me.”
He looked so sad. “It's time to say goodbye.”
“I don't want to.” I touched his lips.
“Neither do I,” he said. “But you need to move on. Let yourself love Jasper. Let him love you.”
Something inside me released.
I leaned forward and gave him a soft, slow kiss. Then I leaned back and met his eyes. I brushed my fingers through his hair and held his face between my hands.
“Goodbye, Allen.”
I jerked awake even as I heard Allen whisper,
“Goodbye, Shae.”
My cheeks were wet with tears as I leaned back on my pillows. My heart was pounding, and there was an ache deep inside me. It wasn't the pain of loss though. It was something new, something different. It was something cleansing and freeing.
I'd finally let him go.
But that wasn't all I was feeling. There was something missing.
Someone missing.
And I knew who it was.
I rolled over and grabbed my phone. I didn't care that it was late, and I knew he wouldn't either. I dialed his number from memory even as I fumbled at the lamp.
“Shae.” Jasper's voice came through after the first ring. “What's wrong?”
“I'm so sorry.” The words were almost a sob. “I'm so sorry.”
“Shae, love, talk to me.” He sounded wide awake.
“I know you didn't do anything to hurt Allen. I knew it all along. I was just scared. I shouldn't have looked in his file, and I definitely shouldn't have believed anything I read. I should have talked to you, believed you.”
“It's okay.” He tried to talk over me, but I wouldn't let him.
“No, it's not okay. You have every right to be furious with me, but I'm asking you to forgive me.”
“Of course.”
“Please come home.” I rubbed the back of my hand across my cheek, but I hadn't been crying new tears. “Will you please come home?”
“Home?” The word was tentative.
“Come back to me. Come home.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I want you here. I need you here.”
“Shae...”
“I love you, Jasper.”
Chapter 5
I showered while I waited for him to come over because I knew if I didn't, I'd spend the entire time pacing. I twisted my hair up behind my head and pulled on my robe. My face was still a bit puffy from me crying and my eyes were red-rimmed, but I could see the difference in my reflection. I looked lighter, as if a weight had been lifted off of me, and I supposed, in a way, it had.
It wasn't only that the dream had made me see what I'd already known about Jasper, but that it had given me what I hadn't gotten. A chance to say goodbye. It didn't matter that it had just been in a dream. I had closure.
With that part of my life anyway.
There were questions that needed to be answered, problems that needed solving. I knew all of those things would still be there in the morning. I also knew that an apology from me and a declaration of love weren't going to magically make things okay between me and Jasper.
But he was coming home.
My heart gave an unsteady thump when I heard the car coming up the driveway, and I was almost at the door when it opened.
His hair was tousled, his cheeks unshaven. He had bags under his eyes, and he wore a t-shirt and sweats, both wrinkled, as if he'd thrown on the first thing he'd found. He stood there for a moment, looking at me, and then crossed the distance between us in two long strides.
He took my face in his hands and rested his forehead against mine. We stood there, not speaking, not moving, but I didn't need him to say anything right now. It was enough to have him here, with me.
And then he was kissing me, his lips moving hungrily with mine as he buried his hands in my wet hair, taking it out of the twist and letting it tumble over my shoulders. His tongue slid into my mouth, and I fisted my hands in his shirt, pulling him closer, needing him closer.
I wasn't sure when he undid the belt to my robe, only that I suddenly felt the cold November breeze against my bare skin as he pushed the robe from my shoulders, and I realized that the door was open. I didn't care. Not as long as he kept touching me. His hands were hot as they slid over my skin, a delicious contrast to the air.
“The door,” I finally murmured as his mouth pulled away from mine to start kissing along my jaw. “Close it.” I moaned as he nipped at my earlobe. “Someone could see.”
He made a low growling sound in my ear and his hands settled on my hips, fingers digging into my flesh.
“No one gets to see you like this but me.” His breath was hot against my skin.
My stomach flipped at the possessive note in his voice. “Then you might want to close the door.”
I let out a half-strangled squeak as he swept me up into his arms. He chuckled and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He kicked the door shut, his laugh turning into a low rumble as I nuzzled a spot under his ear.
“I missed you,” I whispered, running my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. “I missed you so much.”
He gently set me down on the bed, his eyes darkening as they ran down my naked body. He pulled his shirt off without a word and his sweats quickly followed.
Fuck. He wasn't wearing anything underneath.
Before he could say or do anything else, I was up off the bed and going to my knees in front of him. I heard him catch his breath, and when I looked up, he was watching me, desire clear on his face.
“I'm so sorry, Jas.” I reached out and put my hands on his hips.
“Shae...”
“Let me show you how much I love you.” I leaned forward, flicking my tongue across the tip of his cock. “Let me show you how sorry I am.”
I didn't wait for him to answer or argue.
I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock and began to lick every inch of him. His skin was soft, salty, and perfect. He moaned even as his shaft thickened and my stomach clenched with pride. I loved that I could do this for him. To him.
A part of me wanted to lose myself in the feel of him, in his taste, his scent, but a bigger part wanted to stay aware of every moment. I wasn't doing this to forget or for comfort. This was for him, and I wanted him to know I was here – body, mind, and soul. The last little bit of Allen I'd been holding onto was gone, and I belonged only to the man in front of me.
When I took him into my mouth, he was already too large for me to have him all. My mouth worked up and down over the inches I could handle while my fist took care of the rest with firm, steady strokes that moved in time with my mouth. His hand dropped on my head, fingers twisting in my hair. The familiar little pricks of pain went through my scalp, and the heat in my belly flared. I cupped his balls in my free hand, caressing them before releasing his cock so I could move down to take other parts of him into my mouth.
“Fuck, Shae!”
His hips jerked as my fingers danced along his wet skin, my tongue busy rolling his balls before pulling them back into my mouth. I felt his body tighten, and moved back up to his cock. He was close, pre-cum beading at the tip of him, his flesh swollen and red. I wrapped my lips around the head and then took in a couple more inches. He was close.
“Babe, I'm close.” He pulled at my hair, but I didn't budge.
The hand on the base of him moved faster as I began to suck on him, hard, fast pulls that made his hips jerk and his grip on my hair tighten.
“Shae, please, I can't...”
I didn't bother with a response, only applied more suction, squeezed him tighter. And then he was coming, exploding in my mouth, across my tongue. He kept repeating my name over and over like a prayer, and I swallowed every last drop. I kept him in my mouth, licking him clean until he began to soften, and only then did I let him slide from between my lips.
He pulled me to my feet, crushing me against him as his mouth came down on mine. There was no timidity or gentleness to the kiss, only want and need. His teeth scraped against my lips, then bit down on the bottom one, worrying at it before pulling it into his mouth, soothing it with his tongue.
When he finally raised his head to look at me, my lips were throbbing and swollen, my nipples hard points pressed against his chest. His eyes met mine as he wrapped my hair around his hand, and then he was breaking our gaze, using my hair to yank my head back. Lips and teeth and tongue were hot and sharp on my throat, fueling the arousal already burning inside me. One hand slid between us to cover my breast, his fingers squeezing, palm skimming over my nipple.
“Jas,” I gasped as he bit down on the place where my neck and shoulder met. My nails dug into his upper arms until I knew I’d leave marks.
He moved us until the backs of my knees hit the edge of the bed, and then we were both falling backwards. He covered my body with his mouth still making its way across my overheated skin. My eyelids fluttered as he kissed the tops of my breasts and I wanted to push his head lower. The need for release was sharp, and I knew all of the wonderful things he could do with his tongue and fingers, but another part of me was stronger. Before I could let this go any further, I had to make sure he understood some things.