Authors: Heather Sosbee
Sitting on the couch, I take another swig of beer. This just can
’t be happening. I had her in my arms. I could see the emotion in her eyes. I could feel her trembling around me. There’s no way she was faking, right?
Lára comes to cuddle up next to me, and I wrap my arm around her shoulders. If what she says is true, then am I supposed
to break up with Lára even though Brooke is leaving me? All the feeling is slowly dripping out of my body, leaving me numb.
How could I have been such an idiot?
I’ve allowed Brooke to affect me when I should’ve been doing that to the girlfriend I already have. Humiliation and rejection is just washing over me in waves. I can hardly handle the intensity of it all.
Lára is still snuggling up on me, her hand rubbing up and down my chest. I don
’t know how she isn’t aware of the fact that I’m completely tense and on edge. She really seems completely oblivious to my reaction, now that I am paying attention.
My mind is all over the place, doubting every little thing. Does Lára even know me? Does Brooke? Do I even know who I am, or what I want? I can
’t handle all of this!
I stand
up quickly and hardly notice that I push Lára away from me. I head toward my bedroom to prepare for a shower.
I don’t even know how Lára couldn’t smell the sex on me or the scent of another woman. She must really be caught up in her own world.
“I
’ll be back in a bit.” I mutter as I head down the hall. I don’t notice if she replies or not. I’m trapped in a bubble that includes me, guilt, anger, and heartache. I walk quickly into my bedroom, yanking my shirt over my head. Tossing it on the ground, I notice my laptop is partially open on my bed.
Since Lára has her own laptop, it
’s strange for her to use mine. Walking over to the bed and flipping open the screen; I see that MSN is up. It’s not signed in, but still. I usually close out of the program completely when I’m finished, and I haven’t used it in a while. Its obvious Lára has used my computer.
Closing the laptop rather forcefully, it scoots slightly across the bed, revealing an open letter underneath it. Picking it up, I see it
’s from the University of Edinburgh to Lára. My curiosity (or suspicion) gets the better of me, and I pick it up to inspect it more closely. My eyes skim the first paragraph of the letter and I’m incredulous.
Hearing a gasp, followed by an “Oh, shit,” behind me, I turn to see Lára standing in the doorway, eyes as wide as saucers. My mouth is opening and closing like a stupid fucking fish, and I don
’t have any idea what to say.
“Ari, it
’s not what it looks like...Ari?” There’s a frantic tone in her voice and she comes forward toward me as if to soothe me. I take a step back away from her.
“This paper here says you
’re leaving for Scotland next month.” I grit out from clenched teeth. When was she going to tell me? I didn’t realize today could make me feel any worse than I already did.
“Why are you so upset, baby? Don
’t you want me to go to college?” She says it as though I’m to blame for why she kept it a secret…as if I am the one holding her back.
“Of course I don
’t have a problem with you getting a college education, Lára. What I have a problem with is you dragging me along for the ride without a clue in the world, until the last minute. Brooke has been here the whole time and you were just going to leave anyways.” I’m practically spitting these words out, I’m so pissed.
She had to know all this time that she was going
to Edinburgh. Of course I would never begrudge her for going to get an education, but she has obviously kept it a secret from me. What else can go wrong tonight?
Lára takes another step
toward me, and I once again take another step back. I’m so tired of games, I just want the truth. I want someone to tell me the goddamned truth.
“This has nothing to do with Brooke!” She yells, throwing her arms in the air. “I chose not to tell you because I didn
’t want you to just up and leave me for her. I wanted you and me to be together until I left. I didn’t want to be the third fucking wheel between you two. You are so obviously stuck up on her; I’m so fucking glad that I got rid of that bitch.” Her hands fly up to cover her mouth as though she’s said too much.
My eyebrows practically hit the roof. “What do you mean you got rid of her?” Lára begins to shake her head as though she
’s said too much. I step closer and grab her arm.
“What the fuck did you do?” My voice is low, gravelly, and intense.
“You don’t even care about me.” She claims, trying to pull her arm out of my grasp. “You only care about that stupid skank. Well, she’s leaving. I’m all you have right now, Ari. Wake up and see what’s in front of you.” My lip curls up in disgust.
Is this how she plans to keep me? By throwing her deceptions in my face and implying that I need her? She must be delusional. If I thought for a moment that I still had feelings for her, they would have been dashed by this.
“What’s right in front of me, Lára? Can you clarify what that is for me? All I see is a jealous, selfish girl who doesn’t give a damn about anything except for what she wants. She is someone who doesn’t care who she hurts along the way. What did you think would happen to you and me when you left? Were you just going to leave me? There’s no way you would continue to date me while you are gone.” Lára doesn’t respond right away, and from the look in her eyes, I know.
“That
’s what I thought. So you were just going to string me along until the day you were going to leave, then grab your suitcase and say ‘So long, sucker!’ on your way out. You thought it was ok to get in the way of Brooke and me, even though you had no intention of staying with me. This is such bullshit.”
I
’m flabbergasted with how this situation is turning. After all the fuss she was making about Brooke, behaving so jealously, I can’t wrap my mind around it.
What the fuck is going on
?
“Ari, you know how good you and I are together. When we
’re in bed, it’s incredible. You don’t mean these things you’re saying. Just calm down, and let’s enjoy our time together.” Except I don’t want anything to do with her. She only wanted to keep me around as a fuck buddy?
“You don
’t care about anyone other than yourself, do you? Brooke came here and all you saw was a threat to your sex life? What is wrong with you?” I begin to pace back and forth. Now is the time to cut this shit off.
“I love Brooke. I love her. I can no longer be with you, Lára. I think you should leave, tonight.” I stop in front of her
to meet her eyes. I need her to know I’m serious. I need her to know that she’s hurt me in ways she doesn’t know.
Instead, she
gives me a smug sneer. “Good luck with that, Ari. I made sure she is going to leave without a glance back in your direction. Fuck you.” She practically spits all of this at me, her true colors showing. I step very close to her and get in her face.
“People like you die lonely. Get the fuck out of my house. Now.” I say quietly, with a warning in my voice. We stare each other down for a few seconds, before she turns to
wards the closet to angrily grab a suitcase.
“You need to be gone when I return.” I growl as I turn on my heel and head out of the bedroom door. I don
’t even think to ask her what it was she did to convince Brooke to leave so quickly. I only know that I need to get away from Lára. Grabbing my keys, I slide my shoes and jacket on, walking out the front door.
Brooke
Well, my bags are packed. I’m ready to head out in an hour. Emilia and Valur came home early this morning, so I asked Gunnar to give me a ride to the airport. I’m too raw inside right now to deal with a long goodbye to my good friend.
I don
’t feel any better about leaving. In fact, I feel like complete shit. My eyes are puffy from crying so much last night, and my nose is a little raw from blowing it. I bet I’m a total babe. Last night was simply awful. I eventually fell into a terrible sleep filled with nightmares.
My dark side is weeping profusely and constantly
. She’s unable to handle the rejection from Ari. Shit, none of me can handle the rejection. Leaning back on the couch downstairs, I flip through the channels on the television.
My heart never hurt this bad when Tommy and I broke up, and now I suppose it
’s because I never had the depth of feelings like I have for Ari. It doesn’t matter how I feel anymore.
I grab my suitcase and carry it downstairs. Emilia and Valur came home a few hours ago and I know she is worried about me. She
’s constantly wearing a frown when she looks at me. Dragging my bag next to the front door, I sigh deeply. This isn’t what I wanted at all.
I can hear Emilia talking on the phone in the kitchen,
and I don’t understand what she’s saying. I think she’s speaking Icelandic and I don’t know who she is talking to. It’s not unusual but I somehow get the feeling it has something to do with me.
When she came home earlier and saw that I had been so distraught, she
immediately knew what it was about. Without saying a word, she had just hugged me tightly with sympathy. She really is a good friend.
Coming back into the living room, Emilia looks at me with something strange in her eyes.
She motions for me to come and sit on the couch with her.
“Ari and Lára broke up last night.” She says bluntly. I just blink at her like an owl, before it seeps into my brain what she said. He broke up with her yesterday even though he told me to stay away from him?
My brain starts to work around this information. Ari told me before he left, that he loved me. That he needed to think. Did he need to think about me, or about leaving Lára? I know Lára was supposed to be working or babysitting, right? Is it possible that Ari didn’t even write that awful letter?
Come to think of it, the way it was written echoes some of the things that Lára said to me when she tried to warn me off of Ari. My eyes fly to Emilia, who is watching me with an excited
gleam in her eye. I’m scared to get my hopes up.
“Good for him
,” I murmur, not sure what else to say. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. Maybe Ari just got tired of both Lára and I and ran for the hills.
I wouldn’t blame him
.
“Brooke, don
’t be like that,” Emilia pleads. “What happened? Talk to me.” She extends her clasped hands toward me in a begging motion.
“He told me he didn
’t want me, didn’t love me, that I was less than nothing to him. He said that I was one of the worst people he knew. That’s pretty serious shit, Em.”
Just thinking about these terrible things he said cause tears to well up in my eyes, and my throat to dry up like the desert. It
’s far too painful to talk about out loud and to admit that someone said these things to me, especially someone you love.
Emilia
’s mouth drops open in shock. She sputters ungracefully for a moment, her hands lifting to rub her face briskly.
“There is no way in hell that he said that, Brooke. No way. He is head over heels in love with you. He left Lára for you. Or, maybe
it’s because she’s an idiot these days. Either way, you should know better.” The chiding tone in her voice makes me feel like an errant child.
“How do you know this for a fact?” I
’m still not convinced.
“Well, let me think. I
’ve watched him fall in love with you over the years. I saw his reaction to you when he saw you for the first time in person. He left Lára. Also, Gunnar just told me on the phone that Ari is absolutely distraught, knowing you’re leaving so soon. He thinks you’re leaving him and don’t want him. He doesn’t know about the awful things that Lára said while pretending to be him.” She counts all of these things off on her fingers as she carries on.
“God, I want to slap Lára. How could she be such a jerk about this? I bet he found out she was going to Scotland next month
.” She sighs heavily with obvious disappointment toward her friend.
Good, that bitch.
“Wait, she
’s moving there? Ari didn’t know until now?” Lára is a real piece of work. My dark side is punching one fist into the palm of her other hand to let me know she’d be more than happy to say farewell to Lára with her fists.
“Ok, so assuming that what you are saying is correct, what am I supposed to do? He hasn
’t asked me to be with him. He told me he had to think about everything. I need
him
to ask
me
to stay.” Maybe I have a complex here, but being scared to death to put myself out there anymore means that this is a requirement. I need Ari to ask me to be with him.
Besides, even if he did ask, I would only legally be allowed to stay in the country for three months before having to leave. I could technically ask him to come to California,
except I don’t even know if that’s where
I
want to be anymore. Since I’m a graphic designer, I can work anywhere. I could even work remotely.
Maybe it
’s just better if I go home and we go back to our online conversations until the Universe decides it’s time for us. My dark side is telling me that I’m a pussy who’s too scared to jump in with both feet. She’s standing on my shoulder and lecturing me about how I would do anything I needed to if I really loved him. Making excuses as to why it wouldn’t work is just cheapening me and my feelings for him.
Emilia is just watching me at this
point. I think she understands that I am working a lot of this out in my head. I have no idea what I should do. I’m supposed to leave in an hour.
“What do you suggest I do, Em? How do I fix all of this?”
“You need to talk to him. You can’t leave without seeing him again.” She nods to herself as though it’s the only option. Maybe she’s right.
“What if you
’re wrong and he doesn’t want me?” I feel vulnerable and scared. This isn’t how I usually behave, and I’m unfamiliar with it.
“I
’m not wrong. You’ll see.” She promises me.
I just don
’t know.
******
Ari
I don’t know if I’m going to get to her in time. I’m driving to the airport now and heading along the main highway that will lead me to Keflavík. Gunnar had knocked some sense into me earlier when I called him.
He told me I needed to follow what I felt in my heart, not in my mind. We have ways of taking things into our thoughts and scrambling them up into something not real, with our insecurities and fears. He
’s a genius, and totally right.
My plan is to stop her from leaving
and convince her that staying with me is the best choice. Gunnar thinks it’ll be easy and I really hope he’s right. I hope to God that Brooke loves me. I hope she wants me. Mostly, I hope I’m not too late. If she leaves, it’ll crush me.
My mind is revisiting the memories of making love to Brooke and her responses to me. I have to be sure. She
was warm and welcoming. Her heat melting with mine so deliciously. The look in her eyes told me that she was in the same place I was and that she feels something.
My cell phone rings and I answer it with speaker phone turned on.
“Hello?” I begin.
“Hey, Ari.” It
’s Emilia, and her tone doesn’t sound the most uplifting. “Where are you right now?”
“I
’m driving to the airport, what else could I be doing?” I say that a little harsher than I mean to. I’m a bit on edge.
“Well, Gunnar picked her up a little while ago. I don
’t know what she is planning to do, she didn’t tell me. You have to stop her, Ari.” My foot pushes a little harder on the gas, and the car speeds up to 144 kilometers an hour (I think that’s around 90 miles per hour). Thank goodness there aren’t a lot of people on the road right now.
“I
’m doing the best I can! I know I need to get to her in time!” The desperation in my voice should be embarrassing, but I know Emilia understands.
“I have another fifteen minutes more before I can get to the airport. I can
’t risk getting pulled over by driving too fast.” That would be a disaster.
“Well, I won
’t keep you on the phone. Please Ari, hurry.” She hangs up, and I’m back to stewing in my thoughts.
I
’m finally driving into Keflavík a few minutes later and the airport is only a short distance away. My whole body is humming with pent up energy, nervousness, and anxiety.
I suppose now would be a great time to figure out what I would say if I caught her in time. I hadn
’t really thought all of this through. Maybe I don’t need a lot of words. Maybe she would just know. Showing up at the airport is an obvious sign that I don’t want her to leave, right?
******
I’m running through the sliding doors, having parked earlier. My heart is in my throat this whole time, making breathing and swallowing difficult. I just have to make it in time.
I run to the board with incoming and outgoing flights, and try to find Brooke
’s. Since there aren’t many flights that leave out of our airport, it’s not very difficult to find the single flight heading to San Diego.
My heart sinks. No wait, it completely shrivels up in my chest. Her flight left five minutes ago. I missed her and I didn
’t even get to tell her goodbye. How has this happened? The best thing in my life has just left without me.
I
’m standing here, alone. I turn back toward the front entrance and head back to my car. Never in my life have I felt such a loss. I rub my chest to help bring my heart back to life and squint off into the distance.
The landscape seems to reflect how I feel on the inside perfectly, desolate and barren.
There are no signs of life anywhere. I mostly can’t understand why she would leave.
I pull
my phone out of my pocket and dial Gunnar’s number while I finish walking to my car. It rings a few times before he picks up.
“Hey, Ari.”
“She left, didn’t she?” Saying these words out loud, cause my eyes to water a bit. The emotions are bubbling under the surface, and I’ve never been one to cry.
“Listen Ari, you just need to go home. I can
’t talk now. Just go home.” He hangs up abruptly. I look down at my phone, shocked. This isn’t how Gunnar normally acts and he should know this is a big deal. Maybe he just couldn’t talk right now. Shaking my head, I climb into my car, and begin the long and lonely drive home.
******
I think this is single-handedly the worst car ride of my life. The trip home from the airport normally takes around forty-five minutes or so; now it feels like it is taking hours upon hours.
Sitting in the driver
’s seat and thinking about how Brooke is gone is too much. I was such an idiot for letting her go to begin with. I should have left Lára much sooner and saved us all from this trouble.
I turn onto my street, driving the small stretch before I reach my parking spot. Call me dramatic, but I feel like all the color as leaked out of everything and I
’m floating through a drab and uninteresting world.
Does this happen when we lose what we love? It
’s ripping my fucking heart out. I know I’ll get over this eventually, but it really hurts right now. I unbuckle my seatbelt and climb out of the car.
I begin to walk
toward my flat, which is a two-story place with a house upstairs, and mine is downstairs. It’s a fairly typical flat. I really hope that Lára has left already and taken all of her things with her.
I see someone with dark hair standing on the porch. It must be Lára because she has dark hair. Anger bubbles in my throat as I pick up my pace
and open my mouth to give her a piece of my mind.
“What do you think you
’re doing here?” I begin, furious that she’d be here, right after my emotions have gone through a rollercoaster ride and feel raw inside. I don’t have the patience to deal with any more bullshit right now.
Lára turns around and I freeze a few steps away from her. Gorgeous blue eyes wide with shock and uncertainty gaze up at me.
Brooke
. My whole world feels like it’s cracked open. I’m falling into the abyss that has formed beneath my feet. My breath catches in my throat.