After the Hurt (4 page)

Goddamn Pepper for coming back and turning his world upside down.

It was easier to blame her for tying him all up in knots and throwing him off his axis. Tank always made it a point to arrive early and now he was well past being late.

Of course there wasn't a parking spot close to the hotel restaurant where he and Meg had chosen to meet, so he had to cruise around until he found one he could squeeze his Hummer into. Finally parked, he jogged the half block back to the hotel, grimacing as his shoes filled with frigid slush. Inside the warm restaurant, he stomped his feet, looked around for his sister while shaking the snow off his coat. He finally saw her at a table off to the side and smiled when she waved at him. As was usually the case when around her, he relaxed a bit. She had a way of calming him with her cool and even presence. Meg was one of the most even-keeled women he knew.

He wove through the tables and as he approached, Meg tried to rise, fumbling with her cane and trying to hide her lingering pain. Tank pressed her shoulder. “Stay; don't get up.”

He leaned down and gave her a big hug, careful not to squeeze too hard. He still felt like she would snap in two if he hugged her tight. Tank knew she was tough, but physically she'd taken a beating and was still frail as a bird. She was bouncing back much quicker in recent weeks, though. He was pretty sure she'd be back to normal soon and have no need of her cane. He was thankful to still have her, and she'd come a long way since being hit by a drunk driver early last year. His sister was tenacious as a wolverine and wouldn't let anyone baby her. If they tried she swiftly put them in their place.

Meg settled back in her chair. “Everything okay? It's not like you to be late.”

The image of Pepper flashed through his mind as he sat, but he was thankful for the waitress's perfect timing. She made a welcome distraction as he indicated with a nod for her to pour his coffee. “Fine. The roads suck and haven't been plowed yet.”

Meg's brow furrowed and she looked toward the window. “Oh no, did it start back up? It was clear when I arrived.”

Tank placed his hand over hers. “No, it's stopped, but don't worry, if you don't feel comfortable driving, we can leave your car here and I'll take you home.”

She swung her baby blue eyes back to him and smiled. “Thanks, bro, I'll be okay.”

The clarity shining in her eyes didn't seem to hide any deeper concern, so Tank took her at her word. He wasn't about to interfere in her healing process as she built her confidence back up. He'd chauffeured her for a while. But, like she did with every other challenge in life, she fought back and was behind the wheel faster than anyone had expected. It didn't mean he wouldn't worry about her driving in the snow, though.

“Did you order?” Tank picked up the menu but didn't look at it.

Her straight, white-blonde hair swayed at her chin when Meg shook her head. “No. I thought I'd wait to see what you felt like having.”

Tank gazed at her. His baby sister, so good, honest, and tough. A hell of a lawyer too. It was hard to believe he'd almost lost her. Her lying in a hospital bed, near death, had made him feel so helpless. Then things got even worse. Pepper's mother was diagnosed with cancer and was prescribed two years of chemo, and then boom, six weeks later she was gone. He'd never seen anything like it. She'd gone down so fast that the doctors had no clue what caused it until a few hours after her death, when they were notified by Public Health that it had been listeria. Then further investigation revealed the onions on a sandwich had been contaminated. God, it had been such a mess.

Meg's accident, Pepper's mom getting cancer—it had all happened over such a short period of time, it seemed like it had happened all at once. Those months had taken a toll on everyone. Thankfully, Meg had pulled through, unlike Pepper's mom. The hard fact was, Pepper blamed herself after taking her mom out to the mall and sharing a sandwich. He tried to help Pepper through the guilt, but she'd been inconsolable, putting distance between herself and everyone. It was hard watching her disconnect. But the last straw had been when she took off with no warning. Not to mention without a trace.

“What are you thinking about?” Meg's voice brought him back to the present. “You seem deep in thought.”

He waved his hand and then picked up his mug. “Nothing, just rehashing last night.”

“Yes! That's right. How was the party? A hit?”

He took a swig of coffee. Nectar of the gods. “Yep, the party went well. Everyone was thrilled. So, how are things? Getting new cases?”

Meg took no bullshit and her career as a lawyer was beginning to reflect it. He was proud of her comeback and teased her relentlessly about her cane, joking that perhaps she didn't really need it and just carried it to instill fear in her opponents. Of course she rejected that notion.

“Doing fine. But you know I don't like to talk work when I'm not at work.” She studied the menu and asked him, “What do you think?”

He glanced at the menu and put it down. “You choose. You always do anyway.”

“Well then, let's see.” She sucked on her finger.

“Pepper's back,” Tank blurted out and then immediately regretted it. What had possessed him to say anything? He mentally kicked himself, knowing Meg would want him to tell her every detail.

She froze and her eyes rose slowly to meet his. “ ‘Pepper? As in, Pepper Chapman?”

He nodded.

“When?”

“Last night.”

“Oh my gosh.” Meg stared at him, her mouth in the shape of an O. She dropped her menu onto the table. “Why, the party, what—”

“Relax, don't stress it. Everything's okay.” Tank wished he'd kept his mouth shut now, but he hadn't. While Meg and Pepper had respected each other, they were total opposites. He'd been sad they'd never become great friends and hoped that over time it would happen. But after Pepper's disappearing act, he doubted it would ever be possible. The one thing he was glad of was that neither had made him choose sides, never making him feel like a man stuck in the middle.

“What does she want? How is she? What made her come back?”

He shrugged. Meg firing off a million questions was completely normal. “I don't know. There was no time to talk to her; I wanted to get her out of the restaurant before the party,” he said, keeping his voice neutral, not wanting Meg to get any inkling something more was going on. How could there be more of anything, anyway? Like them getting back together. Could that be a possibility? Wait a minute—what was he thinking? There was no future for them. He'd decided that a long time ago. He was nuts for even letting that completely bizarre thought enter his head. He sighed, remembering he'd told Pepper she was nuts for distancing herself from everyone. Shortly after that she'd bolted.

“Frankie, you be careful now.” Meg put a stop to his random thoughts.

She was the only one he let call him by his given name or any form of it. On the odd occasion, Pepper had, but that didn't count because it was usually during sex. He cleared his throat and pushed the titillating image out of his head.

“We knew she'd come back. It was just a shock to actually see her.”

“I'll bet it was. So, how is she?” Her sharp gaze analyzed him. She reached for her coffee and sipped before continuing, “Make sure you let me know what's going on. You never had me draw up those buyout papers, you know.”

“I know; I should've done it as soon as she left. If I'd had a check ready she'd be on her way.”

But was that what he really wanted? For Pepper to leave him again now that she was back? He took a sip of coffee and accepted that he was feeling more and more confused. He really didn't know why she'd come back, either. She'd said she had no money, so all indications were she was back for her share of the business. Her lack of communication while she'd been gone had peeved him, and it was something he'd get to the bottom of. She'd all but dropped off the face of the planet and never looked back.

He glanced at Meg and smiled. Her face softened. “Frankie, she had a horrible shock. She lost her mom so quickly, and she does blame herself, you know that. It's amazing what people do when distraught.” Meg's voice was tender. Was she feeling sorry for Pepper?

His Meg, always the one to see both sides and not be afraid to point it out. But he wasn't in any frame of mind to see both sides. He didn't say anything, just stared into his cup, his thoughts racing. Tank regretted saying anything about Pepper at all now; he didn't really want to talk about her over breakfast. “Her mom was like a mother to me too. I was sad about all that happened; Pepper knew that. There was no reason for her to shut me out.” Tank looked at Meg. He was here to spend time with his sister and not think or talk about Pepper. But it was damn hard. “Enough talk. Let's order breakfast. Do you know what you want? Eggs Benedict?”

Pepper carefully folded the few clothes she had and packed them in her duffel bag. If she was lucky, her AWOL luggage would have turned up overnight. Her packing habits had totally changed on her trip. Gone was the two-hundred-odd pounds of luggage she'd haul for shoes, accessories, endless outfits of clothes, and makeup. She smiled, remembering how important she'd once thought all that crap had been. Not anymore. She'd learned to keep it simple and that it's not the
stuff
you have in life that's important. It's the people and memories. Over the course of the last six months, she'd shed her baggage, both literally and figuratively.

Bali was a dream realized, a destination she and her mom had had at the top of their to-visit list. So going there had made her feel closer to her mom, and she'd hoped it would help with her overwhelming feelings of guilt over her death. At first Pepper had stayed at high-end beach resorts, but as her credit card maxed out, she knew she had to make some changes. The day she'd found a gorgeous secluded beach had been her turning point. Clutching her mom's ashes to her chest, Pepper had waded out until the water was up to her neck. Part of her wanted to keep going. Just her and her mom, forever together in the calming turquoise water. Pepper had sobbed, her tears mingling with the warm sea. To let the waters close over her head seemed the only answer, and she'd almost done it too. But when the sun shone down from between a couple of fluffy white clouds and cast its warming light on her and the tranquil lagoon, Pepper hesitated. It was as if it was a sign, like she was being shown that the beauty of the world was still something she could have, even without her mom, and that she should not take life for granted or waste it away. So she'd backed up until the water lapped softly at her knees.

She scattered her mother's ashes that day. Said goodbye and decided to take life as it came. Live in the moment. Pepper took a handful of beach sand and wrapped it in a tissue. She would keep it always. And that little jar of beach sand was in her lost suitcase. Of all the things she never wanted to lose, it was that. She'd also bought a tie for Tank, knowing how much he loved the wild and wacky ones. So getting her luggage back was important.

The remainder of her stay in Bali had been both magical and heart-wrenching. After spending time with locals, Pepper appreciated how they survived with so little, yet were so unbelievably happy. It really made her sit up and take notice. Pepper quickly realized money had nothing to do with happiness, yet everything to do with it. If that made any sense at all. You could be happy with no money, but in dire straits, money was needed. Especially for the sick and ailing, and to help those who needed it most, as she discovered when she gravitated to a volunteer position at a hospice.

Finally, Pepper saw the splendor of the world with a new set of eyes. Putting a screeching halt on herself, she reassessed her situation. In retrospect, even though she and her mom were fast friends and had done a lot together, Pepper realized she should have put more importance on her mother. They'd lived an hour away from each other, which wasn't exactly on opposite sides of the country. But she'd believed her mom would always be there. They'd had all the time in the world, or so Pepper thought. She should have been with her mom for the first two chemo treatments. She knew that now. Pepper regretted not being there, and she wished, oh how she wished, she had chosen another restaurant for lunch that day. If she had, her mother wouldn't have contracted listeriosis. So many if's and what-if's. But the hardest thing she had to accept was not being by her side when she passed.

Pepper's throat tightened and her eyes blurred.
Mom must have been so scared. All alone in the hospital room, wondering what was happening and why no one was with her.
Pepper's chest burned and the agonizing pain of guilt reared up again, threatening to overtake her. She tried to draw comfort from the nurse's words:
Most die alone.
She'd explained many die quietly when their loved ones leave their side for a few moments. To get a coffee, or a shower, or food. Almost like they waited for the moment of peace, not wanting to upset their family any further.

Pepper knew with all her heart and soul that if the roles were switched her mother would have been with her every second. God, how she missed her mom. In every way. Unable to hold back the grief, Pepper cried.

Cried for all the hurt and loneliness eating her up inside. Cried for what she'd seen while away—the dying and distraught families. For being alone. For losing Tank. And for her lost jar of sand.

Pepper collapsed on the floor. She curled up next to the sofa, unable to stop the sadness. Maybe not even really wanting to stop it. She let the grief come, another thing she'd learned. Mustn't bottle it up but let it out. She sobbed into her hands. The vision of her mother, staring at her with frightened eyes and unable to speak, was forever burned into her mind. Pepper hadn't cried in front of her mother. She hadn't wanted her to feel even more scared over what was going on. Her mom dying hadn't even been a thought Pepper had entertained, fully expecting her to fight the infection and live. She'd held her mother's hands, told her she was the best mom ever, how much she loved her. And yes, she even said it was okay if she wanted to go, not ever thinking it would happen. But it had. And Pepper hadn't been ready for it.

“I want you back,” Pepper sobbed. “I wasn't ready to let you go. Ooh, Mom.” Burying her face in her arms, her emotions poured out. She couldn't keep them contained any longer. The upset of last night's visit at the Octagon and the craziness of the past few days ripped her apart. Tank's face swam before her tear-filled eyes and her heart clenched. How she needed him to hold her, and tell her it would be all right. Yes, he'd tried to do that six months ago and she hadn't let him. She'd really botched everything up so badly. With everyone.

Pepper coughed, sat back, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She tried to catch her breath and took big gulps of air. Her nose was stuffed and pressure began to back up behind her eyes. She was a mess. Blinking away the tears, she pushed herself to her feet, nearly tripping over her bag on the way to the bathroom to blow her nose. Staring at herself in the mirror, the woman she saw reflected was not the woman she used to be. Life experience, both happy and sad, had changed her. It was reflected in the fine lines on her skin and the drawn cheeks, and yes, the hurt even showed in her eyes.

Splashing water over her face, Pepper took deep breaths and calmed herself. Wiping away her smudged mascara, she decided to not bother reapplying it. With another deep breath, she pushed her fingers through her hair, her somewhat cleansing and spontaneous outburst behind her. She had come to terms with it. Really she had; it was just an explosive grief-filled moment that happened sometimes.

After scattering the ashes and finding the hospice in Bali, Pepper had gained a level of understanding. Volunteering in the hospice had been one of the most rewarding experiences. She did everything she could for the sick and their families. A few times she'd held the hand of a person as they left this world and their suffering behind, sitting silently by their side as they drew their last breath. She now knew that the swiftness of her mom's illness and death was probably a godsend compared to the suffering her lung cancer would have caused. Working at the hospice had taught her a lot about life and gave her the courage to come home. Overall though, she enjoyed the people, slow pace of life, the peace and tranquility. If only she could bring that back here with her.

Pepper shivered, longing for the heat of Bali. There was nothing but cold and snow here. She glanced out the window and her shoulders drooped. Gray skies and blustery snow as far as the eye could see. She really did try to find the beauty in winter, but she couldn't.

Had it been a mistake to come back? Sometimes you can't go back to what once was. Maybe she'd taken too long. It'd been easier to stay away than to return and say she was sorry. She hadn't kept in touch. Mainly because her cellphone had died, the battery and charger fried from the different electrical currents and from getting wet when she'd left her bag in the rain. She didn't want to pay for an international plan, either, and truly she enjoyed the disconnect from technology, so she finally decided to throw it out. It was one of the most liberating experiences, not to be tied to a device that really didn't bring her any pleasure. If anything, it only increased the distance between her and human contact.

Pepper did regret not calling Tank before ditching the phone. She should have; she knew that now. But, at the time, she'd been unable to find the courage to call. Then time had just gotten away from her. It seemed too late to reach out when she finally did have the courage to face him and likely, his anger. She'd just chickened out.

Slinging the duffel over her shoulder, she scanned the hotel room one last time, looking for anything she might have forgotten. All good. After closing the door behind her, she rode the elevator down to the lobby, eager to see if her suitcase had arrived. Everyone seemed to have the same idea. It was chaos, and the concierge line was horrendous. She waited patiently for her turn, watching the crowd of people pass through the lobby and in and out of the restaurant. She was hungry and could have used a bite. Not to mention a big, delicious coffee.

“How may I help you?”

Pepper turned back to the counter. “Yes, I'm waiting for my luggage to arrive from the airline. Has it come? My name is Pepper Chapman.”

“One second and I'll check for you.” He went into the back room and a couple minutes later came out with a familiar bag. “Is this yours?”

“Yes, thank goodness.” Relief flooded through her. Not that she had anything of value inside, other than her little sand jar, but it was the extent of her worldly belongings.

“I need some ID, miss. Before I can let you take it.”

Pepper deflated. All her identification was still missing, along with her wallet. “I don't have any. I lost it after I arrived last night and haven't been able to get anything replaced yet.”

“I'm sorry, then; I can't let you take the bag.”

“Seriously?” This was just one more thing to add to the growing pile of shit. Anger bloomed, but she bit it back. “Come on, I can tell you what's in it and what the tag says. Please, I've just traveled halfway around the world, and all I have is in that bag.” Pepper pointed at it and made direct eye contact with the concierge.

He looked at her and chewed his lip. Then the crowd behind her started to get a little vocal. He grabbed a piece of paper and pushed it at her. “Fill this out. I'm going to call my manager. It's up to him.”

Pepper stepped aside to let the people behind her come forward and quickly filled out the questions on the paper. When it came to “current address,” her heart dropped. What could she put in there? The only possibility was Octagon's address. It wasn't a lie, because she was part owner.

Once she was able to convince the manager the bag belonged to her, and with the paperwork filled out, he released the suitcase. She nearly lost the bellboy in the crowd as she followed him to the taxi stand. She pushed through the doors and frowned when she saw he'd dropped the suitcase and duffel right in front of the entrance.

“Shit, a few more steps wouldn't have hurt,” she muttered under her breath. Before she could move her bags, a crowd spilled from the hotel, dodging to avoid them. A young woman with a cane nearly tripped over them. Pepper rushed to her side, taking her elbow to steady her. “Are you okay? I'm terribly sorry.”

The woman's blonde hair hid her face. “Oh, that's okay. Why would someone leave a bag in such a bad spot, anyway?”

“I know.” Pepper kicked it aside and assisted the woman. “The bellboy unloaded it here without thinking. I was going to move them but wasn't quick enough before the crowd—”

She stopped midsentence when her gaze met that of the woman. Big, blue eyes expressing surprise gazed back at her. “Oh, Pepper.”

“Meg! How wonderful to see you.” Pepper was genuinely pleased and was about to give her a hug, but when Meg seemed to hesitate and step away, Pepper withdrew, trying not to feel hurt about it. Pepper supposed she couldn't blame her for being distant. Since Meg was Tank's sister, Pepper would expect no less. “I'm so glad to see you're getting around on your own.”

“Yes, I am. Doing my best.” She faced Pepper. “I heard you were back.”

“Yes, I arrived yesterday.” How had Meg known? Then it dawned on her. “Tank told you?”

Meg nodded, handing the valet her receipt. “Really, Pepper, the way you left was a bad thing.”

Heat flushed Pepper's cheeks at Meg's reprimand. No one seemed to understand that she simply had to flee and she wasn't going to try to explain it, at least not here. All she could do was ask for forgiveness.

“Is he here?” Pepper asked.

Blue eyes speared her. “Why do you want to know? So you can hurt him again?”

“I, ah…no…um.” Caught completely off guard by the accusation, she was momentarily at a loss for words, though all she wanted to say was that hurting Tank was never her intention at all. Quite likely, she would be the one getting the boot and being hurt.

“Save it. Yes, he's here.” Meg turned to watch for her car.

Pepper sensed him before she saw him. That strange physical presence she was so attuned to. As if his energy came across the air and wrapped around her, lighting her up. She swung her gaze and there he was, waiting behind a throng of people lined up to come through the glass doors. You couldn't miss him. He towered over everyone. Pepper's breath caught in her throat. The anticipation of talking to him again made her tremble. God! Why couldn't she just keep herself together?

Seconds later, Tank pushed through the revolving door, holding a cellphone to his ear. An odd flash of emotion sparked in his eyes when he saw her. Then it was gone. He nodded and turned to Meg. He spoke a few words into the phone then disconnected and slipped it into his pocket. Pepper watched every move he made with great appreciation. The way his fingers patted his pocket. How he reached out to hold Meg's elbow. The delicious hug of his coat as it rode his wide shoulders and ended snugly about his trim hips. Pepper swallowed and blinked a couple of times to snap out of it, pretty sure she was close to drooling.