And more recently I would’ve found it difficult to believe that Adam would volunteer to take a trip with me. I hoped there was no hidden agenda on his part, and that he wasn’t planning to tell me a few home truths before announcing his permanent departure. But he seemed fairly chilled and, though he didn’t directly engage me in conversation, he laughed and chatted with his sister as he ate his pub meal.
The intensity that was part of what made him Adam was still there, but I got the impression that he could cope with it now, cope with
himself
. His former tense demeanour was mostly gone. I realised he’d achieved this new way of being through his own efforts, on his own terms. I was definitely going to leave him be.
As for Sam, I was quite overcome with pride, pride in her achievement in getting to this university, but much more than that. I felt pride in how she’d matured over the summer and taken on so much of her mother’s role. In May, she’d seemed so self-centred and carefree that it was hard to believe how much she’d changed in a short time. I hoped she wouldn’t worry too much about Rosie and me and that she’d get back some of that earlier, blithe, untroubled quality, as she set out on student life.
After lunch we went for a walk round the town. We visited the quad in North Street and located the various buildings where Sam would be having lectures and tutorials. We found the library and the student union and then made our way back to the residence. There, Sam met a girl from school who was going to be living just down the hallway from her. After an enthusiastic greeting, the girls talked excitedly of the hall and freshers’ events and the joy of finally getting started on their adventure. This was more like the old Sam and it was great to see. The girls arranged to meet up half an hour later to compare notes. It seemed like a good time to leave her to it. And so we said our goodbyes.
I hugged her close and told her I loved her. “If there’s anything – anything at all you need, or if you’re unhappy - or anything – you call me – and I’ll be here – promise?”
“I’ll be fine, Dad. But thanks – for today and for the last few months and – everything. You’re the best Dad and I love you.”
“And you promise you’ll tell me the minute you need me to do anything?”
“Yes – if you promise me something.”
“Anything-”
“Talk to Mum – get you and Mum sorted.”
“I promise,” I said.
Then she hugged Adam. “And you – you be good. And look after Dad for me.”
Adam tolerated being hugged and said, “I’ll try, sis. You be good too. And if you don’t want the old
guy to rescue you, then call
me.”
“I will,” she said, laughing.
I laughed too. “Cheeky bugger,” I said to Adam.
“And less of the old!”
God – just that little bit of banter with my son –it felt so good.
We waved until we were out of sight. I’d always felt a strong bond with Sam, but had feared she’d grown away from me in her later teenage years. However, the last few months did seem to have made the bond stronger than ever. I was so torn between the feelings of rightness and pride in my daughter leaving and the need to keep her close and safe.
“She’ll be okay, Dad,” Adam said, once we were in the car.
“You think so?” I said, as we pulled away.
“Yeah, I do. And I’ll be okay too.”
“Yes, I think you will, son.” I smiled at him, but my heart was thumping.
“And what about you and Mum – will you two be okay?”
“I really don’t know – if you mean as a couple. Mum’s getting over the infection and I’m sure she’ll beat the cancer too. But we’ve still got a lot to talk about. And I think your Mum may have discovered that she’s happier not living with me.”
“But what about you, Dad – would you be happier – away from Mum?”
“Well, I sort of did a deal actually.”
“What sort of deal?”
“I told God, that if the price for Mum getting better was that I had to let her go, then I’d pay that price. And if he wants to hold me to the deal – well that’s fine.”
I glanced at Adam when he didn’t reply. He was looking out the window. We drove on in silence for a few minutes, but it was a companionable silence. I felt quite calm as the car purred along.
Then Adam spoke. “That was a stupid deal and God is stupid if he made the deal. What if he made her better so that you two could get back together – had you thought of that?”
“No – no I hadn’t,” I replied, smiling at him. “You could well be right. Thank you for that, son,
thank
you.”
And so, Adam gave me a wee bit of renewed hope. It was true that when Rosie had said she was intending to come on the St Andrews trip, I had dared to hope that there was a thaw and that she was moving closer, ready to listen and to talk. But as she began to recover from the infection, I sensed she’d withdrawn again. I’d been prepared to back off. However, Adam’s insight made me resolve not to give up just yet.
A little while later, Adam said, “Where are you staying tonight?”
“At the flat,” I replied.
“Can I crash with you then?”
I struggled to keep driving in a straight line. “Yes, yes, of course you can. That would be great.”
And, if Adam’s plans for that night were a shock, there was more to come. We were a few miles north of the Forth Road Bridge when Adam spoke again.
“I want to come home, Dad.”
For a moment, I thought he was still talking about coming back to the flat that night. He guessed as much. I could see him, out of the corner of my eye, looking at me.
“No, not to the flat – that’s just tonight. I mean I want to come home to our house, if that’s all right?”
Once again I had to struggle to focus on my driving. But it was no use. The tears in my eyes made it difficult to see. I tried wiping at them with the back of my hand but they were instantly replaced. I had to get off the motorway. I pulled over on to the hard shoulder and flicked on the hazards. I took off my seatbelt and turned to face Adam.
I cleared my throat. “Of course it’s all right, but are you sure you want to?”
Adam reached into the glove box and produced a handful of paper hankies. “Here,” he said, handing them to me. “Yes I’m sure. I’ve missed you, Dad – and Mum and the girls of course – even the munchkin – but if it’s going to upset you this much...” he gave a little smile.
I shook my head. “Oh, don’t read too much into this.” I pointed at my face. “Something in my eye, would you believe? I don’t do crying.” I managed to smile.
Adam laughed.
“Yeah right!”
“It would be great to have you back home. We’ve – I’ve missed you too – a hell of a lot, actually. But I thought you were happy at Ruby’s.”
“I was – I am. Ruby’s cool and all that. I’ve been able to think about stuff at her place.” He was quiet for a few moments. Then he spoke again. “Robbie’s cool too, Dad – don’t you think?”
“Yes, I do.”
“We weren’t very nice to him at first, were we?”
“No, son – we weren’t.”
“But it’s all right now. It was Robbie, you
know,
that told me to come and see you and Mum at the flat. He said how worried you’d all been about me and that I had a cool family. He said he had a cool family too and he wasn’t going to be spoiling ours.”
“Right – so you don’t see him as a threat any more then?”
“No – and neither should you, Dad. I know you kept him a secret and everything and Mum is really mad at you about that. But once you explain, she’ll understand – like Robbie explained to me. I hate it when people don’t explain what’s going on – it’s scary - and then when you’re scared you get mad.”
I could only nod. I swallowed hard and looked at my son. “Come here, you,” I said and for the first time in a very long time I embraced my boy – and he let me. In fact he didn’t just let me – he hugged me back – hard. When we moved apart we both needed some of those hankies from the glove box.
It was beginning to get dark, and I knew we should get on our way, but I sensed Adam had more to say and I didn’t want to break the spell. “There’s a café not far from here – just at the
Kelty
turn off. Do you fancy grabbing a snack?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
It wasn’t long before we were settled in the warm cafe with steaming hot mugs of tea and a huge slab of chocolate cake for Adam. He demolished the cake in about ten seconds and I just watched in awe. I’d forgotten how he hoovered up food.
After a couple of mouthfuls of tea he said, “I’ve been to Robbie’s house a few times. His mum and dad are nice and his sister, Julie – she’s cool too.”
Adam smiled as he mentioned Julie’s name. I smiled too.
“Yes, the Sutherlands are good people,” I said.
“So, if it’s all right with you, I’ll move back next weekend. It’s my weekend off from the karting centre, and Julie’s off too, so she said she’d give me a hand with my stuff.”
“Right, and have you told Ruby you’re coming home?”
“Yes, I told her. She said she was surprised it had taken me this long to realise what I was missing at home. Ruby and her family have been really good to me, but they weren’t you – weren’t us. It wasn’t the same. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Julie said I was lucky – to have a family who loves me. Her real parents didn’t love her. They hit her and didn’t look after her, didn’t feed her or give her proper clothes or anything. She doesn’t see why I had to run away from a dad like you - and I can see what she means.” He cleared his throat.
So did
I
. We both took a gulp of tea.
Then he continued, “Julie – she’s – well she’s sort of my girlfriend, you see.”
“I see.” I nodded, smiling at him again.
“Anyway, Julie and
me
are doing up an old car with Bob – Mr Sutherland – and, when it’s safe and ready for the road, Bob says Julie can have it. She’s just passed her test and I’m going to apply to do mine soon.”
“So, Julie’s into cars too?”
“Oh yes. She’s so cool. She’s not like Jen and Sam into all that girlie rubbish, she’s not always talking about clothes and make up. She’s really into engines and stuff. She’s going to college this
year,
to get the grades she needs to do mechanical engineering at uni. She’s found school hard, like me. She’s not dyslexic, but she sort of had a bad start in life and she found it hard to catch up. But now she knows what she wants to do, she says she’s going for it.”
I’d never heard him talk so much about anything in his life. I didn’t want it to stop. I got us more tea.
“Julie says I should go to college too,” Adam continued. “She brought home the book thing that explains about courses. There’s a mechanics one that sounds really good and Julie says there’s tutors at the college that help you if you have dyslexia. I’m going to see about enrolling tomorrow morning – Julie’s coming with me.”
I nodded – amazed and proud – but not trusting myself to speak. Fortunately, Adam wasn’t waiting for a verbal response. He wasn’t finished yet.
“Bob says I’m a born mechanic and he says he can see where I get it from.”
“Oh, where?”
“From you – he says I’m really patient and good with the fiddly stuff and have great
dex
–
dexi
something…”
“Dexterity,” I offered.