She was half out of her chair when Louise waved her down. Kathleen stood up.
''
Figures.'' Louise wasn't ready to let her go. ''It was a war of the wills. You don't know how awful it can be. Lionel would be listening to his whale noise recording and I'd say 'how can you listen to that stuff?' Next thing, there'd be country western on the stereo. He knew I liked country western. He'd put the whale noise tape away in its own little place 'till I'd go out shopping or something. He'd fix dinner. I'd say, 'aren't we ever going to have anything except vegetables?' Next night there'd be a big steak. That sort of thing just bugged me, you know? I know he didn't get any pleasure out of that kind of stuff. I think he just did it 'cause he was a worm.''
''
Maybe he loved you,'' Kathleen suggested impatiently.
Louise snorted and eyed Kathleen. There was a challenge there, but Kathleen didn't know what game they were playing. She tried again.
''
Maybe he was afraid of you?'' Kathleen understood that.
''
Me?'' Louise chortled as if that alone was enough to debunk such a theory. ''There'd be no reason. I never hit him. I yelled a lot, but Lionel just told me he loved my spirit. Hey, I gave him spirit. I gave it to him for ten years. The best years of my life. Now look at me. Used goods. That's why Gerry could get me that insurance policy. He knew what was what. He's a good attorney. Gerry's A-OK. A smart cookie. I hope you're going to be just as good. I don't know. You sure you've been practicing long enough. You look kind of young to me.''
''
I'm old enough,'' Kathleen sighed. ''But I don't think I'll be handling this matter. I'm helping Mr. O'Doul out today. . .''
''
I meant you just looked young for a lawyer. That's all.'' Louise ignored the last part of Kathleen's statement. Elvis and her four other fingers were back in her hair. This time she was patting it around, fidgeting with all the nooks and crannies. She was a too-sexy-for-the-world-and-not-ready-to-go-over-the-hill babe and she seemed to find Kathleen Cotter less than acceptable.
''
Hey, look Kathleen, I know it's tough for someone like you to understand, but I spent a long time trying to make Lionel happy. The judge knew that. Everybody knew I didn't have anything to fall back on after we divorced. I wasn't any college educated person who could just go out and call up a good paying job just like that.'' She snapped her fingers and made a lovely little pop. ''I just wanted a little insurance for my old age in case I didn't find the right guy for me, in case something happened to Lionel and he couldn't pay the alimony. I just want a little bit for myself. I deserve it, know what I mean?''
''
I do, Louise. I truly do,'' Kathleen said, never taking her eyes off the other woman. Kathleen had lived her whole life with people who deserved one thing or another.
To look at them they were different as night and day, but that one word, 'deserve' made them sisters in an odd sort of way. Louise Booker was greedy and lazy. Kathleen pulled her own weight but both of them thought they deserved something from the men in their lives who had made the future look bright.
''
Fine,'' Louise picked up her purse. ''Long as we understand each other.''
''
Good.'' Kathleen looked toward the door. No one appeared to bail her out and Louise was hanging out expectantly.
''
So, what now? I deserve that money and they're saying Lionel killed himself too early. How can someone kill themselves too early, I ask you? The judge said I deserved something if Lionel died. I have a court order.''
''
I'll discuss this with Gerry. In fact, I'll discuss it with him right now,'' she said tightly.
''
Okay.'' Louise hitched her bag and gave Kathleen the once over. ''If you're going to be in court you may want to spruce up a bit. Nobody's going to notice you dressed down like that.''
Louise gave Kathleen the once over, not quite sneering when she reached the two toned, high-heel, career girl sling-backs on Kathleen's feet. She shivered. There was nothing more to say so Louise Booker left, throwing a 'bye' at Becky as she sashayed past the girl's desk
Kathleen followed on her heels, barely waiting until the door was closed.
''
Where's Gerry?''
''
In his office?''
Becky blinked. Becky nodded. Ms. Cotter didn't seem quite as nice as when she arrived but then she'd spent a few hours with Mrs. Booker. That was enough to make anyone a little testy. Kathleen headed into Gerry's office, Becky got up. She rifled through the file drawers that happened to be right next to the door of Gerry O'Doul's office. Kathleen hadn't closed the door.
''
Here are the notes on Louise Booker, Uncle Gerry.'' Kathleen slapped the legal pad in front of him and stepped back. .
''
Thank you, Kathleen. Interesting woman, that.'' Beaming, he studied the notes through his bifocals. ''Ah, I see she told you all about Lionel. A thorough job, Kathleen. All the high points.''
''
She told me everything including the best place to get edible underwear in Santa Monica. Uncle Gerry, this woman can't go to court with this and you knew it two hours ago. I think you better make it very clear to her that this is a lost cause.''
''
Nothing is ever quite a lost cause, Kathleen, if the client is intent.''
''
Then I'm sure you'll find some wonderful twist to make this all come out right.''
''
But, Kathleen, I thought we decided you would lead on this one?'' Gerry sat back, his wizened face a play of astonishment and disappointment.
''
We didn't decide anything, Uncle Gerry.'' Kathleen stood so straight she looked as if she might break. Her voice shook, more out of frustration and disappointment than anger. ''Louise Booker was very interesting. I'm sure you have many very interesting clients, but I can't stay here. This would be so wrong. I was expecting something,'' she actually shivered, ''different. And it's not you're fault I didn't find it,'' she added quickly. ''I'm so happy we're going to be talking again, but I just don't see that this is really going to work - you know, as far as work goes. I want one thing, you another. Our perceptions are different. We'll become bitter, miserable people if we try to do this. I know because I've already gone through this with my mom and dad. I don't want to be bitter, Uncle Gerry. I just wanted something really different than what I had. I've got to kind of rearrange my thinking, Uncle Gerry. You can see that, can't you?''
Gerry O'Doul sat back and eyed his niece. He tented his fingers. He wore a signet ring that looked too large for his finger. He put those fingers against his forehead and Kathleen hoped he wasn't going to make a scene. When he raised his eyes Gerry O'Doul looked straight at her without judgment.
''
Yes, I understand. Crossroads are a serious matter and you must be very careful now. A young woman like you has so many options. To stay here and help me might not be the most advantageous move for you. I should have made my situation clearer. I should have told you that I was counting on your help, rather than misleading you into thinking this was an opportunity. I only wanted to make up for all those years between us. I wanted to leave you a legacy. I simply couldn't do it without help.'' Gerry O'Doul sighed. He seemed to shrink inside his clothes. He touched his maroon silk tie. ''Who else would have understood what it was I wanted to accomplish. 'Tis my fault, Kathleen. My fault, indeed, that you've traveled so far and been so put upon. I can't apologize enough.''
He was shaky when he stood up. Kathleen almost reached out for him. Gerry let his fingers trail across the desk as he shuffled toward her. He stopped a pace away, a full headed shorter than her, and put his hand on his niece's shoulder.
''
I appreciate you coming for me, Kathleen Cotter. You've made this old man proud and given me a moment of hope again. I'll always be grateful for that. Thank you, dear girl. Now,'' he bucked himself up, but it seemed to take all his energy. ''Will you be driving back tonight?''
Kathleen stared at him, stunned by the turn of events. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was supposed to do something now but she couldn't figure out what it was. Gerry started again.
''
Do you have enough gas? Would you like to stay for dinner? Sure wouldn't I be honored by that? Ah, but how selfish of me, you probably want to get a head start on traffic. And I'll have work to do looking at Louise's problem. Poor thing needs money, I'm sure. I only hope I can manage this for her. Long days can be so tiring. But, there, that's none of your concern, now 'tis it?''
Sometime between Gerry's inquiry about traffic and his self -censure he had gone over to the door of his office and was standing next to it. Kathleen looked at him then back at the notes on his desk. Slowly she followed him to the door, unable to effectively part the waters of confusion that were bubbling in her brain.
''
I - well - I guess I'll just drive back now.''
''
Fine. Fine then.'' He nodded and spoke quietly. Like a priest. The next touch on her arm was light, as if she was just a memory and already gone. ''We'll at least stay in touch, Kathleen. I don't want to lose the only family I have. Losing a business partner is hard but losing you again,'' He shook his head sadly, ''my only living relative. Ah, that would be such a terrible thing.''
Kathleen nodded, ''No. I mean, yes. Of course we'll stay in touch.''
''
Fine. Fine.'' Gerry kissed her cheek. ''So lovely, Kathleen. What a pleasure it would have been.''
Before she knew what was happening she was being ushered through the outer door. Before it closed, Kathleen heard her uncle ask Becky for the address of 'that old folks home' that had sent him some information. Then the door shut and Kathleen faced the elevator. If she went in, she had the funny feeling she would drop off the face of the earth.
''
Wow,'' Becky breathed, looking at the closed door. ''That was really sad.''
''
Yes, 'twas,'' Gerry agreed. ''Sad, indeed.''
'
I know how much you wanted her to stay, Mr. O'Doul. I'm sorry she didn't. She seemed like a nice lady.'' Becky crumpled her mid-morning snack trash in deference to the solemn mood.
''
Oh, indeed. The best,'' Gerry agreed cheerily.
He walked back in his office and retrieved the champagne bottle and the silver bucket, ''Would you be kind enough, Becky to do something with this?''
''
Sure, Mr. O'Doul.''She scurried toward the bathroom and, when she returned, Gerry handed her Kathleen's notes.
''
And, Becky, two copies if you don't mind?''
''
Two?''
''
Yes. Two will do nicely.''
Gerry said just as the door opened. Kathleen stood there, resplendent in her simple sheath with the white piping and the champagne stain, her well cared for spectator shoes, her purse and her miserable expression.
CHAPTER THREE
The sun came through the trees like God's fingers nudging the earth awake. It was a precious moment, one he had always loved. She had watched him through this same window as he lost himself in the morning moments before getting into their little car and heading off to work.
He drove through the trees, down the windy road that led away from their house. He drove to the intersection that red-flagged civilization and finally to the freeways that took him to his good job thirty miles away. That job paid for the small, neat house off the beaten path in a canyon in the Santa Monica Mountains. It paid for the gardening tools that helped them raise their organic food, the bunnies who were their children, the short trips to Yosemite to commune with a different kind of nature.
That job paid for his past mistakes, too. He never complained about that. She adored his sense of responsibility, his ability to look behind and see what had gone wrong then look ahead to make things right. He was a man of exceptional sensitivity. He was such a good man. Gone now, he left behind an empty place in the little house and her heart. He also left behind some unfinished business she didn't understand.. She would have to take care of that business in order to keep his memory pure and to save herself. Though she was afraid to go below, she was more afraid not to. Today she would break the last corporeal tie with him and hang on to the spiritual ones.
Turning from the big window, she went to the smaller window by the fireplace and lifted the lace curtain. For a moment she looked beyond the clearing toward the rabbit hutch, even though there was no way she could see it. Perhaps a moment with them would give her courage. She bowed her head and decided not to walk in to the forest and visit with her friends. To do so would mean defeat. Her courage was ephemeral and if she didn't try it out now, this instant, she would lose it. Turning on her heel she went back toward the big window and the door beside it.
Carefully, she snuffed out the incense burning in the holder he'd made from a pine cone. It sat on the table he'd hewn out of a tree trunk. Taking another moment she closed her eyes, laid her hands across her chest and breathed in the woody scent. Tears came to her eyes though she wasn't standing close to the spiral of smoke. Perhaps it was the flash of his gentle loving expression she remembered that brought the tears. It would be wonderful to see him once more, to have him here to hold, now that she was afraid.
Shrugging into her sweater, she opened the door a crack. She peeked outside and scanned the land she knew so well; the land that now seemed so alien. It was quiet enough. Then again it had seemed quiet the day her husband died, too. Death could come stalking in the dark, the light, when you least expected it. Death came from strangers, and it came for reasons she didn't understand.
Knowing this, she slid out onto the porch, lay against the rough wood of the house and waited. When nothing happened, she put her head down and hurried to her vintage Beetle. She started the engine with a prayer on her lips.