Crush (Hard Hit #5) (10 page)

Andrei had nothing. He had said that. Of course, at the time, he hadn’t believed Orlando would take his advice. He was oddly glad. Maybe now Orlando would find peace. Unfortunately, when he’d given Orlando that advice, he also hadn’t considered Gannon’s feelings.

“Did I do the wrong thing? I’ll gladly apologize if so."

Gannon ran the tip of his finger around the rim of his coffee cup, as if giving Andrei’s question its due. "I’m not sure," Gannon answered after a moment. “Part of me has wanted to talk to Orlando several times over the years, telling him everything. But every time I’ve considered it, I’ve always ended up at the same place. Torn between two wrongs. I mean, which is worse, allowing a child molester to walk away free, or making Seb’s parents have to mourn two children?"

“Wait,” Andrei said, stopping him. “I’m confused. When I told Orlando he should talk to you, I meant he should ask you straight up what happened the night Seb died."

A line appeared between Gannon’s brows as they drew together in confusion. “That doesn’t make any sense. Orlando knows what happened the night his brother died. He’s one of the few people who does. He was the EMT who got the call. One of the many people my brother has paid off over the years," Gannon said, sounding like the idea hurt more than helped.

“What?”

Gannon motioned helplessly. “Yeah. That’s the biggest reason I allowed his nonsense to go on for so long. I was mostly out of it that night, so I don’t remember everything, but I can’t imagine having to choose. His younger brother lay feet away, dead, and still Orlando kept a cool head. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that he’s the biggest reason I survived that night. I imagine Kieran feels the same, and that’s why he keeps trying to help Orlando rather than squashing him like he would anyone else who crossed him.” Gannon tilted his head to one side, assessing him. “I would’ve assumed, since you’ve obviously spoken with Orlando about that night, that you would’ve known that.”

“Orlando didn’t say a word, and I only knew as much as Kieran confided, which I’m beginning to see was a much watered down version of the entire incident. I can’t understand why Orlando led me to believe he needed to hear the words from you.”

“Maybe he knew you’d intervene if he told you what he really wanted to hear. I’m hoping that’s exactly what you’ll do, because I don’t want to be the reason his parents have to mourn a second child, and they will be if he winds up in prison.”

“What do you mean?”

“He asked me to tell him everything Seb confided in me, and I did, because I owed him that much.”

The full ramifications of Gannon’s words slammed into Andrei’s chest. Gannon was right. Orlando’s parents would soon mourn two children, because Orlando wouldn’t stop until Roderick was dead. Andrei came to his feet.

“Excuse me, I have to go.”

Gannon nodded and leaned into Alex’s hold. The last sight Andrei had before turning away was Alex touching his lips to Gannon’s temple. He wasn’t needed here. Alex would make everything okay.

To Andrei’s surprise, the instant he hit the pavement outside, he spotted Orlando still sitting in his SUV in the café parking lot. Most likely, he was formulating a plan. Even more likely, it was something dumbass involving a straight-on attack—something sure to end up one of two ways— with Orlando in prison or dead. Without considering the ramifications of his actions, Andrei ripped open the driver’s side door. A cloud of smoke poured out. Orlando looked over without an ounce of surprise marring his features.

“What do you want?”

“Move over,” Andrei ordered.

Orlando sighed, sounding tired. “Fuck off, Andrei.”

“Always with the potty mouth. Now, move over before I do it for you.”

At his threat, Orlando stared him down, as if assessing Andrei’s seriousness. Obviously recognizing Andrei meant every word, he released a long string of curses, but did as told. Once Orlando was settled in the passenger seat, Andrei climbed behind the wheel and cracked the window before he choked.

“You lied to me,” Andrei said, incapable of keeping the accusation from his tone. “You said you didn’t know what happened that night.”

“My brother was a monster,” Orlando said, sounding exhausted. “Is that what you’re wanting me to say? He was, but I’ve never given Gannon the satisfaction of saying that aloud. Why in the hell would I give it to you?" Orlando looked away, hiding his emotions from Andrei and making him want to growl. Orlando lifted the hand-rolled to his lips and inhaled.

“You know that shit is disgusting."

Orlando snorted. “You are the most self-righteous kidnapper I’ve ever met in my life.”

This time, Andrei couldn’t hold back his growl. “For the last time, I did not abduct you. I saved you from yourself. You were dead set to do something you couldn’t take back—something you wouldn’t have been able to live with. Something that would’ve made you feel small. Ugh! You’re so stubborn."

Orlando released a humorless chuckle as he lifted the blunt to his lips. A cloud of smoke filled the vehicle. “I’m stubborn,” Orlando repeated, as if weighing the words on his tongue. “All right, pot, want to tell this kettle all about those scars on your back?" Orlando asked, openly taunting him. Did he? No, but it was obvious Orlando truly believed he was alone in the world. If exposing his soul brought the man comfort, then Andrei would try.

Andrei turned his head, keeping his gaze locked on Orlando, wanting him to see his soul as he bared it. Andrei held out his hand, needing to touch this man who owned him. Orlando spent a moment eyeing Andrei’s hand before stubbing out his fire and linking his fingers through Andrei’s. As soon as their skin met, Andrei let him have it all.

“In Russia, being gay means you are less than human. I realize there is intolerance everywhere, but nothing like what I’ve endured."

“Someone did all that to you for being gay?”

Andrei stared at Orlando’s gorgeous face, doing his best to keep the memories from touching him. “Not just someone. My parents. They thought they could drain my blood and take away the sickness I’ve been cursed with. When that didn’t work, my papa would take his cigarette lighter and heat a stainless steel crucifix until it glowed red and press it to my skin, hoping God would carry this away. They would pray over me, and I would silently pray along with them for God to take this from me, so I would not have to suffer any longer. At the end of each prayer, my papa would put his cigarette out on the back of my leg while cursing at me, because he knew the prayers would not work.

“After a while, they stopped pretending it was out of love. They hated me, because who I am is such a betrayal of who they are. I learned to sleep with a knife in one hand and one eye open. I’ll never forget the first time I kissed another man—not because it was unforgettable, but because I was filled with so much shame that I could not be who my parents wished for me to be. The only good thing they ever gave me was hockey. My papa thought it would make me tough. But I already knew how to take a hit, thanks to him. Instead, hockey gave me freedom. At seventeen, an American scout brought me here to the States. I swore I would never go back, and I haven’t. Not even when we were staying with Kieran, and my younger sister called to tell me my father was dead. I went out to drink, not because I mourned him, but because his death overjoyed me.

“The last time we spoke, everything I said to you was a lie. You’re right. I am terrified. This person I am on the inside where no one can see; no one could love that. I’m not afraid of loving you. It’s too late for that, but how can I say I love you, and then ask you to stay with an empty shell? That isn’t love. That’s selfish. One day, you would hate me for it. That knowledge is worse than hell.”

A sardonic smile twisted Orlando’s lips. “We’re just alike,” Orlando said on a snort. “When you said I was a bad person, it broke my heart, not because it isn’t true, but because it was like I’d tainted you by being with me. That thing I said about Seb being a monster, that wasn’t always true. He used to just be a kid, you know? Annoying as fuck and always getting into my shit, but he was mine. He loved me and worshiped me. That sounds stupid as hell, but it’s true. No one else saw me the way he did, like I could do no wrong. Then one day, he was a stranger. He was angry, but not like you expect from a teenager. I’m talking, filled with nasty hatred. I wondered if he’d gone off the deep end, until he met Gannon. Then, every once in a while, I’d see the old Seb peeking through. I thought maybe he’d been struggling with his sexuality and finally he’d owned it so everything would be okay. But those good moments never lasted.

“He loved Gannon. I know it’s crazy, but sometimes it feels like Gannon is all I have left of Seb — like Gannon was the last good thing about him. But just like Seb did, I hate him as much as I love him, and every day, I’m not sure which side all land on. When I found Seb dead, I was relieved. How fucked up is that?” Orlando snorted again. “That’s why I couldn’t tell you why I couldn’t let it go. Part of Seb lives on in Gannon. I wanted to let it all go, for the sake of us. Then you made it clear there was no us, and I started obsessing over everything all over again. I tried talking myself out of coming here today, but Roderick died three days ago from a drug overdose. His funeral is today, and I needed to know if I should stay home or go spit on his casket while there’s still time.”

Andrei brought their joined hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to Orlando’s, hoping to hide his relief. If Roderick was dead, Orlando’s stupid moves were limited. He spent a moment breathing in Orlando’s familiar scent before meeting Orlando’s stare once more. "You are a good man. I wish I never would’ve spoken a lie and said otherwise. It would make me happy to know you’ve moved on from everything —Seb, Gannon… me.” Andrei’s throat threatened to swell closed on the final word. He swallowed past the pain. “Don’t let your uncle take away your life as he did Seb’s. Just go home and let Seb rest in peace with his reputation intact.” Andrei squeezed Orlando’s hand one last time before pulling away. “You’re free now. Please, forget we met."

*

When Andrei brushed past him in the café, Orlando thought he’d double over in pain. Somehow, he made it to his Escalade, only to have Andrei in his space again. Now, he was trapped inside his head, watching as Andrei walked away from him, taking Orlando’s heart with him again. The difference between this time and the night Andrei had thrown him out, was this time, Orlando was pissed. The man had admitted to loving him, and still he walked away. It was like he didn’t know Orlando at all. If he had, he’d know Orlando didn’t give up when he wanted something. Now that Andrei had bared his soul, he was done for, because Orlando would never let Andrei go. There was no low too low. With that thought firmly in mind, Orlando dug out his phone and placed a call he never thought he’d make.

Chapter 7

Kieran’s SUV sat in the driveway, nearly making Andrei groan. He really needed to get his own place. His insides shook and his heart was raw. The last thing he wanted to do was make nice until he hit the privacy of his bedroom. Andrei spent a few minutes considering leaving again. He could stay at a hotel. At least no one would stare at him there. In the end, his need to crawl into bed and die for a few days won out.

The front room was empty, and the house was quiet. His bedroom door came into view. Kieran stepped into his path, robbing Andrei of the freedom he sought.

“What happened today?”

Andrei glanced at the ceiling. “I gather they finally hashed it out,” Andrei answered, hoping his explanation would be enough. Kieran’s raised eyebrows said it wasn’t nearly enough.

“Let me fix you a drink.”

Andrei sighed. “Are you offering or telling?”

Kieran’s expression never changed. “What do you think?”

“All right,” Andrei said, following on Kieran’s heels.

As Kieran poured Andrei a drink, Andrei claimed one end of the couch and stared at the wall with unseeing eyes. Gannon’s claims of Kieran’s meddling ran through his head. Kieran didn’t seem the type, but then again, Kieran was the type of person no one really knew. He’d like to think Gannon did, and Henley, but it was doubtful he’d ever fully understand how Kieran’s brain worked.

“Orlando called me after leaving the café,” Kieran said as he passed a glass to Andrei. Of all the pronouncements Kieran could’ve made, he’d picked the one Andrei never expected. His mind blanked. He took a sip of the expensive whiskey to cover his surprise. The alcohol helped… some.

“That’s odd.” It was honestly all Andrei could dredge up.

Kieran occupied the opposite end of the couch, focusing on the wall and giving Andrei freedom from his cold stare. “Not really. Do you know why he felt free to call me, and why he’s been incapable of losing Gannon’s number over the years?”

Andrei didn’t answer. He had the feeling Kieran didn’t expect a response. When the man continued without him holding up his end, Andrei’s suspicions were confirmed on the matter.

“It’s because he knew he could,” Kieran said, sounding thoughtful and still staring at the wall. “He could change numbers, and often did, but also Gannon would unblock him after a few days. We both understand something about Orlando most people don’t. Something I think you see as well. It wasn’t really Gannon Orlando was trying to torment. He was punishing himself. At times, he was truly angry with Gannon, but it always passed as quickly as it came. In the end, it was him.” Kieran finally looked over, focusing on Andrei. “Neither you nor Gannon told Orlando anything he didn’t already know in his heart, and if anyone could’ve saved Seb before he became who he was in the end, it was Orlando. That’s a hell of thing to live with.”