Dude, You're Gonna Be a Dad! (10 page)

A $100 reward goes to the guy who convinces his BMP to choose the middle name Danger. Don’t worry about your son; he’ll have females all over him, and men will admire him. “Danger is my middle name.” That and a driver’s license backing up this claim would have to be the easiest pickup line you could ever create. In a way, you would be removing one of the hardest and most intimidating experiences from your son’s life. That is unless he turns out to be 5′5″ and 120 pounds. Then I sure do hope he can write killer poetry or become a movie star.

While we’re on the subject of names, just remember that the grandparents will be getting new names also. Most grandparents go by the traditional Grandma and Grandpa. Some grandparents who are younger — or simply young at heart — might not enjoy the over-the-hill moniker of Grandpa. It’s always fun to stick it to my dad by dropping a casual Pops or Gramps his way. It keeps him honest.

It can also be tricky with step-grandparents. First names are good, or you can just ask them what they’d like to be called. Or let your child dictate — grandchildren can usually do no wrong in their grandparents' aging, farsighted eyes.

Babies, of course, will go with the flow, so if you present this gray-haired adult as Maw, the child won’t know any better. I have also seen a child mispronounce a grandparent’s name, and it ended up sticking.

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If you thought I was going to say “bottle of wine,” then you forgot that your BMP cannot drink. Please go back to the beginning of the book and start over.

• Your new baby will need many items, including a crib, clothing, and bottles. Do some research on these before purchasing. Some brands have a higher occurrence of safety problems or recalls; stay away from those particular brands.
  
• You may notice your BMP showing some signs of nesting, or preparing the home for the impending arrival of your baby. She may also want your help and input tackling these projects!
  
• Get ready to attend the possible upcoming baby shower. Registering for gifts can be an adventure.
  
• The good news? Your shower guests will come bearing gifts. The bad news: there may be “some assembly required” (for you).
  
• If you haven’t already, you’ll need to complete the surprisingly difficult task of agreeing on a name for your baby.
  
• Depending on your family situation, the grandparents may need new names as well.
  

We are reaching a critical time. If there’s anything we’ve discussed in previous chapters that you’ve been waiting to do, it’s time to get in gear. Because now we are getting into the most important parts of the preparation for your child’s arrival: the learning process about the hospital, the different delivery scenarios, and having a birth plan in mind.

When it comes time for the baby to be delivered, the most important thing to remember is how to find the hospital. You don’t know from where you’ll be traveling, what time of day it may be, or how quickly you’ll need to get there. A baby is truly on his own schedule. So you could be screeching into the emergency admissions area, delivery assured to take place at any moment, or, if delivery involves the words “induction” or “C-section,” you could be arriving at a more measured pace. But it behooves you to be prepared for any and all situations. Here is what you’ll need to know.

Her water breaks in the middle of the night. You sleepily inform her you need just ten more minutes of sleep. She kicks you. You should have the absolute best route to the hospital or birth center mapped out cold in your mind. You should be able to navigate it backwards and forwards with no problem.

Traffic, construction, accident, funeral procession? No problem. You’re taking the lead. Over the hills and through the woods you go, and voilà! You arrive at the hospital safe and sound.

Once you arrive, pull out your walkie-talkie and announce to your advance team, “The eagle has landed.” But where do you drop off your guest of honor? You don’t want to be squinting at signs on a dark and rainy night while the baby is crowning. You need to know exactly where to go.

If you live in a city where lots and lots of driving is the norm, plan ahead for this possibility as well. Maybe you’re at the shopping mall on the other side of town when the blessed event begins. Or at Grandma’s, way out in the country. Get your routes from all likely locations straightened out ahead of time, and keep copies on her person and in all the vehicles. Who know? Maybe she’ll be shopping with a friend who will need your directions. GPS is pretty good, but do you want to be as prepared as possible or not?

As the saying goes, you can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. So, as for planning for the worst, here are some of the steps you should consider:

• Infant CPR class.
  It’s not a cheery thought, I know, of being in a situation where your child needs CPR. But that high school health-class training was a long time ago, and you were staring at the head cheerleader while she practiced CPR and you wished you were the mannequin. So take a few hours and get to class. If you bring it up first, it will score you some brownie points with your BMP for being so smart.
  
• Infant first-aid kits.
  Purchase a kit for the home, and one for each and every car Junior may be riding in.
  
• Sleep planning.
  SIDS — Sudden Infant Death Syndrome — is the leading cause of death among children one month to one year old. One of the most frightening facts about SIDS is that doctors aren’t exactly sure what causes it. One thing they do know is that sleeping on the stomach is one of the leading factors in these deaths. Thus, sleep planning. You’ll want to put baby to sleep on her back. In addition, remove all stuffed animals, blankets, pillows, and the like from the crib. Baby can get tangled up in them, choke, or have trouble breathing. You should also alternate the position of the baby’s head from night to night, to keep Junior from developing a flat spot and getting ridiculed by the other babies in baby gymnastics class.
  

Birthing class is an event no man can ever be properly prepared for. The descriptions from your buddies do not do justice to the mental scarring you will suffer. It all seems innocent enough. You pack a lunch, hold hands on your way out the door, and exchange smiles with the other happy couples as you arrive. You’re feeling the flow, and you don’t even protest wearing the nametag the happily medicated instructor asks you to wear. You try to block comments about the other attendees out of your head, like, “If she wasn’t pregnant, she’d be really hot.” They are inappropriate and you are feeling the happy-happy joy-joy of impending fatherhood.

The class starts innocently enough, with introductions and a few segments relating to the responsibilities of being a parent. There may be a couple there who already has children and simply showed up for a refresher. Be careful with them, as they’re simply here to prove how smart they are about parenting.

Just as their know-it-all act is wearing on you, the class moves on to a time-honored tradition. The VCR comes out and they slap in the porno-like birthing film from the 1970s, with the funkified music and body parts in all of their glory. Were those humans? Good Lord. Who knew pubic hair could grow that long? You won’t be able to banish from your brain the images from this film, and it will come into your mind uninvited over and over again. The vision on this VHS tape will be seared into your brain forever. Those things should come with some sort of warning:“May be hazardous to your sex life,” or maybe, “May cause permanent blindness.”

My advice is to be prepared and close your eyes when the main event comes on. It’s not like you learn anything, and your sweet bride, who, during the delivery will probably be floating on painkillers, won’t look anything like that monster you just saw. Benefits also include the fact that you won’t have to fight nausea throughout the rest of the class.

After the class, you will return to your life. You and your BMP will have grown closer and have another bonding experience under your belts. She doesn’t seem affected by anything she saw or heard in there, which makes you wonder if she did some black-ops work for the CIA in Iraq. You, on the other hand, are changed forever, and are ready and willing to make considerable sacrifices if somebody would just remove the images you just witnessed from your brain.

At first, determining the layout and available amenities that are offered at the local hospital probably doesn’t hold much allure for the average man, or even for the below-average man, for that matter. Hospital planners tend to focus on caring for patients, profitability, and elimination of lawsuits. The need for their guests or visitors to be entertained during their stay is secondary, if it’s even considered at all. But to a man who has impregnated a woman he loves, a change in perspective is needed. This is where his new child is going to be brought into the world, and where he will be spending a couple of uncomfortable, sleepless nights. So get to know this place like the back of your hand.

How to start? Try the hospital tour. That clean and fresh hospital smell hits you . . . ahhhhh. Take it all in. This is the place where your life will be changed forever. Unlike with marriage, there’s no party sending you off into parenthood. Just you and your chosen one facing down one of the most exhilarating and terrifying experiences known to man. It cannot be overstated the degree of difficulty of what lies ahead.

Intimidated yet? Surely I’m overdoing it? You may be asking yourself, “What should I do now?” Well, the good news is that you’re doing what you should be doing right now. Touring and researching the hospital where your child will enter the world is the first step. As you tour, take note of the layout. More and more of these facilities are moving toward the “living room” approach. There is the main bed for Mom. Yes, that small couch in the corner of the room is where you’ll be sleeping for several days. There’s also a TV, and usually a DVD player and a CD player. If not, you may be allowed to bring these items with you. Some facilities provide a rocking chair for you or Mom to hold Baby in.

Make special note of the nursery area. Although your first reaction may be that you would never send your newborn to be watched by strangers, experienced parents know better. Newborns are not born ready to be on our schedule, and may be up through some or most of the night. So send Junior to be watched by the professionals. It may be the last gasp of sleep you get for some time.

What birth plan? You wait until the baby’s ready, you go to the hospital, she spits it out, and you’re good to go, right?

No, genius, plans need to be made. Putting some clothes for her, you, and the baby in a travel bag by the front door doesn’t cut it, either.

Here are some of the exciting and controversial decisions you’ll have the fun of making. Remember, you don’t really get input, but you do serve as a listening post for
every
conceivable scenario. She’ll decide whether the delivery will be vaginal or cesarean; in pain or drugged; in stirrups and handcuffs or with free movement, walk, stretch, or jump rope; with freedom to feast or ice chips; breastfeeding or bottle; circumcised or foreskin; and with an episiotomy or not. (When you learn what that last one means, you’ll start to believe maybe Eve did screw up in the Garden of Eden and God did punish accordingly.) Do you feel the responsibility of adulthood crushing your spontaneity?

In addition to these basics, you’ll need to have answers prepared ahead of time for a few other questions. Besides your health-care provider, who are you going to call? Do you want your parents there? In-laws? Brothers? Sisters? If the extended family includes younger children, are they coming to see the baby show? Who are you sending out to get you some real food? Are you bringing a CD player for atmosphere and to build to a crescendo of the Beatles' “Come Together”? You’ll also want to take things you liked from all of the classes and research you’ve done and put them into play. You did read those books and pay attention in class, right?

While umbilical cord blood won’t be collected until the actual birth, you need to decide about it beforehand. Medically, we now have the capability to use a baby’s cord blood in the treatment of many conditions, such as various cancers, genetic diseases, blood disorders, and immune-system problems. There is research underway to use cord blood in treating cases of diabetes and cerebral palsy. So, the question is do you want the blood from the baby’s umbilical cord to be taken out and stored for potential medical use? Twenty years ago, it wasn’t really a viable option, but it’s a growing trend today.

Once you’ve decided on a birth plan, take that plan (aka, “book of wishes”) and schedule time to go through it with your doctor or midwife. She may add some information you didn’t think of or tell you whether any portions of your plan are a tad, um, unrealistic. But an in-depth discussion with a qualified and informed individual will help you refine your plan. Who knows? Maybe you nailed it and this talk will only serve to strengthen how you’re already feeling. Either way, modification or validation, it’s worth everyone’s time to do it.