Fighting Temptation (Men Of Honor) (42 page)

“Don’t put words into my mouth Julia.”

I flinch, his words slashing my heart like a cruel blade. And the first of many tears spills from my eyes. I try to take a deep breath but find I can’t because the pains too much, “Are you saying you don’t love me Jaxson? Huh? Is that what you’re saying?”

He completely loses it, “I’m telling you I don’t want the fucking baby! But you’re not fucking listening to me goddamn it!” He punches the fridge repeatedly then grabs my crystal vase full of flowers and throws it, smashing it against the wall. Glass reins everywhere, the loud shattering has my knees going weak with fear.

“Stop it! You’re scaring me!!” I scream sobbing through his violence.

He storms over and grabs my arms roughly, “Good, it’s about fucking time!” The rage in his eyes and his screaming is too much for me to bare. I close my eyes and cover my ears. “I’ve told you for a long time you should have stayed the fuck away but you didn’t listen, you kept trying to make yourself believe that…” his words die abruptly.

I’m shaking and sobbing, with my eyes still closed and hands over my ears, I take the chance at opening them and what I see staring back at me makes me cry harder: fear, panic and self-loathing.

“Jesus, I’m sorry. I have to get the fuck out of here,” he pushes away from me.

“No Jaxson, don’t leave. Please,” I beg through my sobs.

But it’s too late, he’s already headed out the door. I stand there frozen for a minute, trying to absorb what just happened. Then the pain is too much and I crumble to my knees. His words, ringing repeatedly in my head:
‘I don’t fucking want the baby’
.

I don’t know how long I cried for, staring at the broken glass around me, but suddenly my front door slams. I look up, praying it’s Jaxson, but it’s Sawyer and Cade.

Sawyer sees the mess and comes running over to me, “Jesus Julia, what the fuck is going on? Are you alright?”

I shake my head no. Because it’s the truth, I’m not alright, not with all of us hurting so much. Especially Jaxson.

“Julia will you please tell me what the fuck is going on? Jaxson called us to come here for you, as soon as we showed up he tore out of here looking like shit, without any explanations…”

“He doesn’t want the baby,” I whisper. Saying the words out loud is torture, “I’m pregnant Sawyer, but he doesn’t want us.”

Sawyer expels a loud breath then wraps his arms around me. “Jesus Christ, that fucking dumb-ass mother-fuckin’ asshole.”

He holds me tight, and I let him, feeling like if he doesn’t I may fall to pieces, literally. “I thought he loved me,” I whisper through my sobs.

“Don’t think for one second that he doesn’t. He’s just a stupid dumb-ass who’s fucked in the head. But trust me Julia he does.”

“It’s true he does,” Cade adds.

I shake my head, not knowing what to believe anymore. I was so sure he did but seeing what I just saw, I’m not so sure anymore. Or maybe the sad truth is it doesn’t matter if he does, because maybe love isn’t enough.

“Listen, why don’t you take her upstairs. I’ll clean this up,” Cade says to Sawyer.

Sawyer helps me to my feet, “Come on,” he keeps his arm around me as he walks me upstairs, “do you want me to call someone? Kayla maybe?”

I shake my head, “No thank you, I’m just going to try and get some sleep. I need to be up early. Kayla and I are going dress shopping in the morning.” He nods looking at me in concern.

“I’m sorry you guys got roped into staying here with me,” I say feeling guilty.

He shakes his head, “I don’t mind being here Julia. I’m just sorry he’s being such an ass right now.”

I shrug, “I know he’s scared. I just…” I let out a shaky breath, “I love him so much Sawyer that it hurts, I don’t want to lose him.”

Sawyer wraps his arms around me again, “Just give him some time Julia, he just needs to get his head back on straight. But if I were you, I’d make the prick grovel his ass off when he does come back. And I know he will, sooner rather than later too.”

I can only pray he’s right.

After driving 4 hours through night I stopped at a motel just outside my destination and grabbed a few hours of sleep, or at least I tried to. But sleep proved impossible because anytime I closed my fucking eyes all I could see was her beautiful tear-streaked face, pale with fear, twisted with agony; her body shaking while her hands covered her ears to quiet my violence.

All because of me.

I swallow thickly and grind my teeth against the ache in my chest. The one thing that matters most to me in the whole goddamn world and I go and fuck it up. Who knew I could hate myself anymore than I already did.

So now it was the ass crack of dawn and I’m parked outside the one place I’ve been debating to visit since leaving the clinic… Anna’s. The last time I saw her was in the hospital. She had asked me to come visit her sometime. I’m not sure why last night, of all nights, I decided to finally come, but after I left the house I drove for hours in a daze and this is where it took me. She lives on a real nice street, big houses with huge lawns that are well taken care of. Parked on every driveway are vehicles that cost at least $80,000. Not surprising since her father is a heart surgeon.

I turn off the truck and drop my head back against the head rest. I’ll wait for at least another hour before I knock on the door, don’t want to wake anyone up, which sucks because it just gives me time to think.

‘I’m pregnant’.

Julia’s words ring in my head bringing on panic and fear again. Jesus Christ. How the fuck am I supposed to be a dad when my role model was an alcoholic who hated kids, especially his own. I doubt I’d be half as fucked up if my mom would have stuck around. But nope, she fucking left because she was better off without my worthless father, and I guess she figured she was better off without me too since she didn’t take me with her. I clench my jaw tighter trying to fight off the additional wave of pain that thought brought on.

Julia is the one person who’s always been there for me whenever I needed her. And what do I do when she needs me? I throw a fucking tantrum and bail on her. Ya I fucking hate myself so much right now that I want to punch my own self in the face.

My thoughts come to a halt when I see Anna’s mother step out in her robe to grab the paper. Well, here goes nothing. I open the truck door and start making my way to her. She straightens and looks nervously at me for a minute. Recognition and shock dawns in her eyes as I get closer.

“Oh my goodness, Jaxson?”

I nod and let out a nervous breath, “Hi Susan, sorry to drop by unexpected like this. I was passing through and I wanted to stop in to see how Anna was doing,” okay so I lied a little.

Smiling she walks up to me and gives me a hug, “Of course. Anna will be thrilled to see you. Come in. She’s just getting ready for church.”

I met Susan and her husband Bill at the hospital. Both of them seemed like real good people, good parents, and I was glad Anna had them. She grabs my hand and pulls me into the house. Bill comes walking out of the kitchen in a suit as I stand in the entrance.

“Bill, look who came by to see Anna,” Susan says smiling kindly.

It takes Bill a minute before he recognizes me. He too smiles and puts out his hand for me to shake. “Well I’ll be, how are you doing Jaxson?”

I clasp his hand in a firm handshake, “I’m doing good. Sorry to stop by unexpected like this.”

Susan waves away my apology, “Nonsense, you’re always welcome in our home.”

Bill nods, “Absolutely.”

“Mom, who are you talking to?”

My heart skips a beat at Anna’s voice from upstairs.

Susan smiles brightly, “Why don’t you come down and see? Someone’s here to see you.”

“Me?”

I’m still standing in the entry way which is directly at the bottom of the staircase. I hear Anna’s footsteps above us a second before I see her, looking beautiful, innocent and youthful. Not at all the damaged girl I saw a year ago.

She freezes at the top and stares at me in shock. A huge smile breaks over her face, “Oh my god. Jaxson?” She bolts down the stairs her excitement triggering a smile of my own. She launches herself at me from the bottom step.

I catch her chuckling, “How ya doing kid?” I whisper in her hair.

Her body starts to shake against me and I realize she’s crying.

Well shit! I try to swallow past the sudden lump in my throat.

“I’m so glad you came,” she whispers tearfully.

“Me too.”

“Honey, why don’t you and Jaxson go catch up in the kitchen while your father and I go get ready for church.”

Bill is obviously all ready but he follows his wife upstairs. I put down Anna and she wipes her eyes giving me a watery smile.

“Come on,” she grabs my hand and drags me into her massive kitchen. “You want something to drink? Looks like my mom has coffee made.”

I take a seat at the table and shake my head, “Nah, thanks anyways.”

She sits down next to me, “About time you came and visited me.”

“I got out of the clinic about 2 months ago.”

“You look different, you’re kind of cute without all the blood and bruises.”

I scoff, “Kinda?”

She giggles, “Oh whatever, you’re hot and you know it. If I didn’t love you like a big brother I would have a crush on you myself.”

Her teasing doesn’t make me laugh instead it makes my chest pull tight, “Big brother huh?”

She shrugs, “Ya well, I always wanted a sibling and if I could choose a big brother he would be exactly like you.” Her smile dies a bit, her face becoming more serious, “I think about you often.”

“Me too kid. You look good. How have things been for you since coming home?”

“Really good actually. I’m in counseling and I’ve joined a support group where there are other girls my age who went through the same abuse I did. It’s helped a lot. I’m almost feeling like my old self again.”

I let out a relieved breath, her words lifting half of the weight that was on my chest. She blushes now, “I even have a boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” it comes out a little harsher than I intended it too.

“Ya he’s a real good guy. Treats me well and he’s really cute too,” she says giggling.

I grunt, “What does your dad think about him?”

She groans, “Don’t ask. You wanna know what he said to Logan, the very first time they met, when he came to pick me up on our first date?”

I smirk waiting for her to tell me. She stands in front of me and puts her hand on my shoulder with a serious look. “He said, ‘Just so you know son’,” she says in a deep voice imitating her dad, “ ‘whatever you do with my daughter tonight, I do to you later’.”

I throw my head back and laugh my ass off. That’s a fucking good one.

She groans again but smiles, “Do not laugh! It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, I was furious. Thankfully Logan was strong enough to withstand the harassment. My dad isn’t a big fan; especially since he drives a motorcycle.”

Ah fuck! The kid drives a motorcycle?

Her voice goes quieter now, “It’s been real hard on my dad, everything that’s happened to me.”

Ya I’ll fucking bet.

“But he’s trying for me, because he knows I really like him.”

“Well as long as the kid is good to you, then that’s what matters.”

She smiles again, “He is, real good to me. You will get to meet him, he’s going to be here soon. He’s coming to church with us.” She starts laughing, “I don’t think he’s ever stepped foot in a church but he’s coming because he knows it will help my dad lighten up.”

“Good, I’m glad I’ll get to meet him.”

She reaches over now and grabs the pendant that’s laying on the outside of my shirt. “Gotta new chain for it I see.” I nod my head, remembering what she did to get it back for me. “Did you ever go make things right with Julia?”

I had told Anna everything about Julia and I, including when I sent her away. She came around me a lot in the hospital, it was hard not to.

I nod, “Ya I did,” I let out a heavy breath and run my hand through my hair. “Actually I just found out last night that she’s pregnant, with my baby,” saying the words out loud brings on a fresh wave of panic.

Anna beams another huge smile as if she also thinks this is great fucking news. “Jaxson that’s fantastic, congratulations,” she leans over and hugs me, “wow, your kid is so lucky.”

Her words surprise me, “Oh ya? How do you figure that?”

“Are you kidding me?” she looks at me in shock, “from what you told me about Julia she’s gonna be a rockin’ mom. But having you for a father? Well, no one will love and protect that kid like you. If someone ever tried to mess with your kid, I’d feel real sorry for the poor bugger,” she laughs. “I mean if I didn’t love my dad so much, I’d totally pick you. Hence naming you the big brother instead,” she winks at me.

For some reason her words hit me like a ton of bricks, it’s like a fucking light bulb goes off in my head. Because I realize she’s right. I’d love that kid so fucking much and I’d kick anyone’s ass that tried to hurt him… or her.

I see her watching me with curiosity and I smirk at her, “You’re kind of smart for being a kid you know that?”