Fighting Temptation (Men Of Honor) (6 page)

Jaxson’s back ripples and flexes under my touch as I hold him desperately close; I’m scared if I don’t then this won’t be real. He moves his hand down between our bodies and I gasp when he gently runs one finger down the center of my panties.

“Christ Julia, you’re so wet,” he groans out. He pushes my panties to the side and runs his finger through my wet slit then freezes, “Oh fuck! You’re bare?” he asks, sounding surprised that I’m waxed. I start to feel unsure of myself until I realize he likes it. “Jesus, I might actually die from this,” he mutters under his breath.

I cry out when he starts circling my clit skillfully with his finger. “Oh god!!”

“I can’t fucking wait to make you come Julia.”

I whimper from his erotic words and feel myself getting close. I know I’m going to explode any second but suddenly he moves his finger away.

“No please don’t stop!” He reassures me by sticking first one finger inside me then follows quickly with another. I cry out and clamp my legs around his arm, trapping his hand inside of me.

“Easy Julia, let me in, trust me I’m gonna take care of you.” He pushes my legs apart from his arm and starts pumping his fingers in and out. “Fuck baby! You’re so hot, so tight!” his rough voice in my ear adds to the sensations that are over-taking my body. My need becomes so strong that I hold his arm while riding his hand, begging for release. He starts flicking his thumb over my clit while his fingers move faster inside me. I shut my eyes feeling so close…

“Open your eyes Julia, I wanna see you when you come.” I open my eyes and feel consumed by his possessive gaze. “Let go baby, I’ve got you.”

He presses down on my clit and that’s all it takes, my body becomes overwhelmed with sensations as my orgasm slams into me. I keep my eyes trained on Jaxson’s until the pleasure is too much and they close on their own accord. Jaxson’s fingers keep their momentum, drawing out every bit of pleasure from me, till I’m soft and limp.

Smiling I open my eyes and slowly become aware of my surroundings. Jaxson stares down at me with an emotion that holds affection and vulnerability.

Before I lose the chance I reach up and trace my finger across his lips and softly whisper… “I love you Jaxson.”

I feel his whole body tense and the tender expression that was just on his face is replaced with one of shocked horror.

Uh oh! Anxiety spikes, making my heart start to pound. Jaxson doesn’t move, it’s as if he’s frozen in place.

“Say something…” I choke out softly. He quickly stands up, my voice snapping him out of his shock.

“Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck am I doing? Shit,” he mutters while frantically pacing.

Ok, not exactly what I wanted to hear. Feeling cold and completely exposed now I quickly put my bra and shirt back into place. I sit with my arms wrapped around my knees waiting for him to start talking to me instead of himself.

Finally after what seems like forever, but in actuality was probably only a few minutes, he turns to me with an expression full of regret. Ouch!

“Jules I’m so goddamn sorry, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I got carried away.” I stare at him in complete astonishment.

“Really Jaxson? That’s what you have to say about what just happened? What exactly are you sorry for?” I feel my blood start to heat back up but for a whole different reason than it was 10 minutes ago.

“What we just did Jules, it shouldn’t have happened,” he drops his head to his hands, “Fuck I can’t believe I did this.”

“Well you know what Jaxson? I think what just happened was pretty amazing and I’m not sorry. Do you not recall it was me who kissed you first?”

“Listen Julia, our emotions are all over the place right now. I should have stopped…”

“…Do you really think I just told you I loved you because my emotions are all over the place? Seriously!?” He’s looking unsure now, seeing how angry I am.

He’s still shirtless and I hate myself for thinking how sexy he looks right now. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. “Julia I know you care about me…”

“No Jaxson I told you I love you, there’s a big difference!”

“You don’t love me Julia. My leaving is screwing with our heads.”

That’s the final straw for me: “Don’t you dare tell me, Jaxson, what I feel. If you think I said ‘I love you’ just because you had your fingers inside me, well, think again mister! Clearly you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.” My heart breaks and I realize that it’s true- he should know me better than to think I would just spout those words and not mean them.

“Damn it Julia, listen, you may think that you love me… “

“Don’t fucking patronize me!” I can tell my screaming and choice of language has surprised him. “UGH!” I start packing up the blanket, realizing this was a mistake, “I’ve been in love with you since I was 17 years old but I’ve kept it to myself because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship.” I turn to him: “Are you really that disgusted with me Jaxson?”

I can tell my question pisses him off, “Watch it Julia, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Oh really, I don’t? Then tell me why you have screwed almost every girl in this town and act like it’s no big deal but then you touch me and you have so much regret and disgust on your face it looks like it might kill you?” I know the pain I’m feeling has crept into my voice now.

“I do not feel disgust! You’re different than everyone else!”

“Ya, I got that I’m different,” I choke out.

I turn and start walking away when he charges after me grabbing my arm, he spins me around to face him, “Oh for fuck-sakes! I didn’t mean it like that! This is about me Julia, not you. I’m too fucked up to love you,” he says brokenly, “why tell me now, huh? Why the fuck would you tell me the night before I have to leave?”

I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, “Because I didn’t know if or when I would ever see you again and I knew I’d always regret it if something happened to you and you never knew how much I loved you.” I’m too tired to stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. There’s so much pain in his eyes after I say this that I cry harder.

“I’m sorry Jul…”

I rip my arm out of his grasp, “Jaxson if you say ‘sorry’ one more time I swear to God I’m going to hit you!” I sigh frustrated, “whatever, I just wanna go home.”

I turn and start walking to the car with the blanket under my arm. I hear him swear and shuffle around grabbing his shirt, then he’s following behind me.

I stare out my window while we ride home in silence. So many feelings consume me: hurt, anger and, most of all, fear. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to fix this and I’ll lose him forever.

We pull up to my house and both get out of the car. Before I can think of what to say, he says: “Remember Julia if you need anything, go to Cooper.”

I stare at him, trying to see what he’s feeling but his eyes are cold and distant, he’s completely closed himself off to me. I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through together that’s all he’s going to say. I shake my head sadly, “I don’t need a damn babysitter, I can take care of myself. Goodbye Jaxson.”

At that I turn and run into the house before I completely lose myself in front of him. As soon as I close the door behind me, I fall against it and shatter, knowing I just lost the one person that will hold my heart forever.

I watch the one person that means the most to me in the entire fucking world run out of my life. And I don’t stop her, because I know in the end it’s for the best.

“Jesus, what the fuck just happened?”
You lost control and fucked up, that’s what happened.

I can’t believe I fucking did this. I run my hand through my hair in frustration and get a trace of her scent from my fingers. The memory of her tight hot pussy contracting around my fingers will haunt me for the rest of my life.

‘
I love you Jaxson.
’ It’s the first time anyone has said those words to me and it makes my chest hurt so fucking bad that I want to rip my goddamn heart out so I don’t feel it.

I want to go in after her and tell her just how much she means to me but I know in the end it still won’t change why we can’t be together. I wish things were different, I wish I had different blood running through my veins, I wish I was good enough. I look up at her house one last time before I get on my bike.

My throat feels so tight I can’t swallow. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening to me! I haven’t cried since I was 7 years old and I swore I never would again. But that’s what Julia does to me, what she has always done to me, makes me feel shit I never thought I’d feel again.

Pissed at myself now for being weak, I start the bike up and take off.

I wake up to my phone ringing and moan, feeling like I have been hit by a truck. I squint with my red puffy eyes at my screen and see Kayla’s number. Oh god, what time is it? Checking my clock next to me I see it’s 7:40 am. Shit! The ferry leaves in 20 minutes. I shoot out of bed and take a quick peek in the mirror. Yup, I also look like I’ve been hit by a truck. Darn. I don’t have time to make myself presentable so I quickly throw my hair up in a high messy bun, throw a cardigan over my black booty shorts and matching tank that I wore to bed. I forgo a bra knowing there’s not enough time to put one on. I grab a pair of the biggest sunglasses I own to hide my puffy blood-shot eyes and bound down the stairs. As I’m putting my flip-flops on Grams peeks in from the kitchen.

“Julia, are you okay? Where are you going so early?”

“I don’t have time to explain right now Grams but I need to see Jaxson before he leaves. I have to make things right.” I feel bad running out the door when she’s calling my name but I’m so scared I’m not going to make it in time, so I don’t stop.

I drive as fast as I dare, praying I don’t get pulled over and arrive 5 minutes later at the harbor. I almost forget to shut the car door in my haste. There’s a small crowd gathered on the dock waiting to board the ferry. I spot Jaxson right away and see he’s about to walk on. Shit! The dock is long and I’m quite a distance away.

“JAXSON!” I scream his name and start running faster than I ever thought possible. He seems so far away and I’m crying so hard, praying he hears me. After the third time of screaming his name he finally hears me, he stops and turns around to see me charging at him. He looks stunned for a minute but then drops his bag and starts striding towards me. When I reach him I jump and throw myself at him. My arms wrap around his neck and my legs around his waist.

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me. I don’t care if you don’t love me back, I swear I don’t. I can’t lose you Jaxson, I need you in my life. Please don’t leave hating me.” I don’t know how I manage to get all those words out through my broken sobs but I do.

Jaxson puts me down and cradles my face in his hands. When I look up I see his eyes are brimmed red with unshed tears. He rests his forehead on mine, “I could never hate you Jules. You mean more to me than anyone else in my life. If I had it in me to love someone, it would be you,” his voice cracks and I grab him, sobbing hysterically in his chest.

“I love you Jaxson, you will always be my best friend. Promise me you’re not going to leave forever, please!”

“I promise Jules.”

We stand there holding each other when a loud siren goes off and the final boarding call is made.

“I better get moving,” he whispers against my hair.

“Ok,” I hug him tighter.

He chuckles, “Julia, you have to let go of me.”

I inhale a deep breath, breathing him in one more time before I step back. Looking up at him I frame his handsome face with my hands and say one more thing before he can leave, “I’m going to miss you. I want you to remember Jaxson, that this is your home and when you decide to come back know that you will always have someone here waiting for you…”

He clenches his jaw, reining in the emotions that etch deep in his expression. He leans his forehead against mine. “I’ll miss you too Jules, I’ll text you when I get in, alright?”

I only nod since my throat is too tight to speak anymore. He presses a hard kiss to my forehead then picks up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder, and boards the ferry. I stay where I am, watching it start its journey. Jaxson turns around and waves one last time then he walks inside where I can no longer see him.