Authors: Amelia Grace
“You’re going to
be okay Cate. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I
looked around to see exactly where we were on the ledge, and how to get her down from there, before I positioned my arms under her to lift her.
Gently,
I eased her along the rocky bed toward the end of the ledge, and then I placed her down again.
I
jumped down from the ledge into the water, and picked her up again. Cate was floppy in my arms, she groaned in pain, but still, she did not open her eyes.
I
moved swiftly along the beach to the beach house, and took her directly to the bed, placing her down gently. I went to place my right hand on her forehead again, but once more, she pushed my hand away for the second time.
I
reached for the phone and contacted the doctor, asking him to come at once – it was the only thing I could do. Cate was in a very bad way and needed medical assistance, urgently.
As the doctor consulted with
Cate, I paced outside the closed bedroom doors. Cate had insisted that I not be present in the room with them.
She had shut
me out of her life. I was feeling down, helpless, rejected.
An hour
later, the doctor emerged from the room. I stopped pacing and went to him.
“I have tended to
Cate’s needs Ben. She is bruised, cut, yes, but fortunately there are no broken bones. I was worried that she may have fluid in her lungs from the sea. She will need to be watched for the next few days. Right now, she needs rest, she is exhausted from almost drowning and from being tossed against the rocks. I would serve her up some hot tea and chicken soup. And, make sure that you ring me if she worsens, or doesn’t appear better after two days. In fact, I will come and check her again in two days. I will see you then.”
I
walked with the doctor to the front door, reading his eyes to see if he was covering anything up. He was.
As
I closed the front door, I turned around to head back to the bedroom, but hesitated. I questioned whether Cate would want to see me. I was unsure of what to do.
I
slowly walked to the door of the bedroom, looking at the floor. Then I raised my head to look at Cate. She was sitting up in bed, with a complete change of clothing. Her hair was washed, and she looked peaceful, rested.
Her eyes were closed.
I walked over to her and sat on the bed bedside her, not knowing whether to touch her or not. I wanted to touch her, but I was afraid that she would push my hand away again.
Her eyes remained closed
, making me nervous.
“Are you in pain?”
I asked.
“No, the doctor gave me some pain medication.”
“I’m sorry Cate,” I whispered.
“Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me.”
“The doctor said that you need some hot tea and chicken soup. I’m going to the kitchen. I’ll be back with the hot tea first.”
C
ate didn’t argue, but she kept her eyes closed. I knew
exactly
why she didn’t open them. She didn’t want me to read her emotions in them. And that is also why she refused for me to touch her forehead.
After a few minutes,
I returned to her with some hot tea. I placed it on the bedside table, and then left to start making the chicken soup.
I watched Cate from the kitchen as sh
e sipped the warmth and sweetness of the tea. I watched as her tenseness left her body.
* * *
And, as I finished the last sips of tea, the rain started. The noise of the metal roof was soothing, rhythmic and calming. I drifted in and out of sleep, dreaming of Ben. He always had his arms outstretched to me, but I kept pushing him away. He had an agonized look on his face as the distance between us grew greater. Then the wave would come, and I would vanish. The dream was highly traumatic. I would suddenly wake from it as I vanished. I would wake startled and upset, my eyes opening wide with fear and sucking in a huge desperate breath of air. Then I would be determined to stay awake, but uncontrollably I would slip back into the disturbing dream again.
The second last time that
I experienced the “dream”, Ben was there sitting on the bed next to me when I opened my eyes in fear. He expressed great concern on his face, but also frustration. I knew that he could help me, but I didn’t want him to. I couldn’t let him see what had happened in the water. It would tear him apart.
H
e looked away after a while, out the window at the pouring rain.
“I’ve made chicken soup for you – it’s what the doctor ordered. So here it is. Can you manage it yourself, or would you like me to help you with it?” he asked unemotionally.
“I want to do it myself….thank-you,” I replied quietly.
He
nodded his head, and then got up and left the room, disheartened.
***
I continually checked on her, even though she was unaware of it. And when she finally went to sleep, I returned to the bedroom, sleeping on some blankets on the floor, dejected, tears falling from my eyes.
I
did not sleep well. I heard her wake startled many times during the night, and even heard her calling my name – in her sleep. But I did not go to her. I would watch her as she settled back to sleep, then I would return to my position on the floor.
The next morning,
she slept on, this time in a more peaceful sleep, until about midday. I spoke to her briefly, and made her something to eat and drink, but did not over stay my welcome with her. She had made it clear that she didn’t want me anymore.
Her decision
was killing me, but I still kept a close watch on her recovery.
Late that afternoon,
she managed to get up out of bed. She showered, ate and appeared to have much more energy. And I was happy to see me recovering. Yet, I kept my distance. I did not speak to her unless she asked me a question – which she didn’t.
That night, when
I was sure that she was comfortable in bed and asleep, I went to sleep in the other bedroom. It was for the best. I did not want to get my hopes up that she would want me back. It would only end badly. I had to stay away from her to protect my heart, which was in agony, and pained at the sight of her. Bittersweet.
The rain continued to fall, and finally,
I started to sleep. Not a deep sleep, but at least it was some sleep.
‘BEEEEENNN ! BBBEENNN! “
she screamed at the top of her voice. I waited at first to see if it would stop, but then decided to go to her.
She
was breathing heavily, and reached out to touch me.
“Ben, make it go away, make it go away !”
she pleaded, her expression desperate.
“Make what go away?”
I asked.
“The dream – it’s bad. I keep having it over and over again. MAKE IT GO AWAY!”
I looked to the floor. I had been trying to pull my emotions away from her. Now she was reaching out to me again. I was feeling like a yo-yo. I was feeling used. But I could not deny her request. I loved her so deeply.
I
looked back at her.
“I
can
take it away Cate, but I will have to put my hand to you head, and you have let me know twice that I am not welcome to do that anymore.” I looked into the sadness of her eyes. I could see the amount of emotional pain that she was feeling. I looked away and to the floor again, my heart pained. Pulling away from her when she needed me was excruciating, but I must help her. I loved her.
I
looked at her again. Tears were streaming down her face.
“Please help me Ben….”
she whispered.
I
hesitated at first. This would hurt me more than it would hurt her. I put my right hand onto her forehead, strategically placing my fingers at certain points to connect into her mind. I bowed my head and closed my eyes, letting my tears fall as I did so.
I
felt the increased warmth in my hand as I connected to her mind. I scanned her memories and dreams, then pulled the most recent bad dream from her head, not once, but twice. I had pulled two bad recurring dreams from her – not intentionally, the second dream volunteered to go.
I
frowned as I pulled the dreams. I saw the vanishing dream and the historic church by the lake.
Once
I had finished ministering to her, I pulled my hand away and glanced at her briefly, and then looked away.
“The bad dreams have been erased. You don’t need to worry about them anymore.”
I gently squeezed her hand, but did not look at her. Then I stood up, and left the bedroom.
***
I felt empty. Not because the nightmares had gone, but because of Ben’s detachment to me. I had spoken in haste yesterday morning. I should have chosen my words carefully, to make him understand what I was feeling and why. Now, in my selfishness, I had hurt him, deeply, and he didn’t deserve it.
I
could not sleep, although I tried. I wanted Ben by my side. I wanted to feel the warmth of his body, hear his gentle breathing, and smell his scent. I wanted him next to me. He would come soon, I thought, of that I was sure – but he did not come.
Agitated,
I got up out of bed, expecting to find Ben in the kitchen, or the great room. He was not in either of those places. Then I walked into the spare bedroom, and there he was, asleep, shirtless.
My eyes delighted in
him for a while. But my heart ached for what I had done to him. I was so sorry.
Quietly, so as not to disturb him,
I tip toed over to him. I gazed at his beautiful face. I could see a dried up tear that had run down onto the pillow, and my heart cried for him. I bent down and kissed him on the lips, lightly, then stood up to quietly leave the room.
I
turned to walk away, but gasped in fear as he grabbed my arm. Not gently, but roughly.
“Why are you doing this to me
Cate?” he asked angrily.
“No
, don’t answer. Just leave me be,” he retorted.
I
stared at him in disbelief, and then ran from the room. He was so bitter. His voice almost full of hate.
I didn’t
sleep from that point on.
Uncertainty
The french doors were wide open
, and a gentle breeze blew into the beach house.
I
could see Cate sitting under the kentia palm tree, still and silent. I had to confront her. We had to sort out where our relationship was going. I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty that I faced each day with Cate now. We had to talk, once and for all, perhaps to end our love, if that was truly what she wanted.
I
took a deep breath, and walked out nervously to where she sat.
Would she remain there if I was near, or would she move away from my presence?
She did not turn to look at me. Her head remained still, not acknowledging me, although I was sure that she was aware of my approach.
I
walked to the water’s edge, and gazed out upon the beautiful ocean, and closed my eyes, unsure of what today would bring. Then I opened my eyes again, wanting to get on with what I was sure would be disappointment with Cate.
I
was about to turn around and walk back to the kentia palm tree, when I felt a light touch on my shoulder. It was Cate’s hand. The jolt of electricity was strong. I tried to ignore it. I knew that I still loved her. I knew that I still wanted to be with her. But I also knew that she did not want to marry me. And it was killing me. Where did that leave me?
I
did not speak to her. I did not look at her. It was too excrutiatingly painful.
We
stood in the crystal clear salty water together, in silence, Cate standing slightly behind me.
“The historic stone church featured in a nightmare that I had every night that you were away,
every single night for two years
. It started off as a dream that we were finally getting married. The church was beautiful, the yale blue lake was beautiful, inside the church was beautiful, and I was feeling so excited and so in love with you ready to marry you. But when I would reach the altar, I would look up….and all I saw was your brother, shaking his head, saying that you weren’t coming, you would not be marrying me. I would wake up in a sweat, screaming and crying. Then I would hold my chest where my heart hurt and rock myself back to sleep…..the last time that I had that nightmare was the first night that you returned, remember? I woke up screaming, and then you were there, with your arms around me holding me. Then I had the nightmare no more. When we drove past that church the other day, it was the
exact
same church as in my nightmare. It made me very scared. I had to build up a wall to stop myself from getting hurt again. I didn’t want my nightmare to come true. I thought that if I pushed you away….” And then Cate could not continue. She was too emotionally distraught.