Authors: Danielle Sibarium
And then, like a freight train running at full steam right off the edge of a cliff, it hit me. Redemption. I couldn’t let him leave feeling angry or hating me. That’s when terrible things happened. I had to set this right. If not, I would regret if for the rest of my life.
“I won’t ask you to stay, but is there any way you could change your flight? I’ll pay for it. I’ll meet you there. I’ll even buy a ticket for myself to get past security if I have to.”
“Just say what you have to say.” The irritation in his voice felt like a cold hand slapping me across the face.
“I’m sorry.” I cleared my throat, “I haven’t been a good friend to you, and that’s really unfair, because you’ve always been a good friend to me. It’s not that I didn’t want to be, because I would’ve given anything to be the one you leaned on.” I kept rambling, hoping to get it all out. “I understand why you didn’t. Why you couldn’t. I’m only sorry I gave you such a hard time about it.”
“That’s it?” he asked, surprise creeping into his voice. Maybe he expected me to beg and plead for him to stay. I found it incredibly difficult not to.
“No. I wanted to thank you. You’ve taught me a lot about the person I want to be, and I only hope someday you can find the peace and happiness you’ve brought into my life. I love you, Jordan. I always will. Thank you. Just, thank you for being you.”
“Thank you?” he clarified as if he couldn’t believe his ears. “You’re thanking me?”
“Yes.” I swallowed hard, looking for a way to keep him on the phone, to keep connected to him. “And there’s one other thing. Please, don’t leave to avoid me. I promise, even if I see you in passing, I won’t say hello. I won’t contact you. If you’re going to Maria’s, have her call me, I’ll make sure you don’t see me.”
“Why does it matter?” he asked.
“Because you need your support system, you need your family and friends. If I’m why you want to get away, it’s not right. I’ll do what I can to help. I’m leaving in a matter of days. Just stick it out until I’m gone.”
“What’s in it for you?”
I fought hard against the impulse to snap back at him and let him know how insulting that question was. But this time I wouldn’t allow it to be about me, this time it was all about him.
“I get to know you’re okay. Or at least that you have a shot at being okay.”
“I have to go.” He hung up.
I expected a waterfall of tears. Instead, a sad sense of calm came over me. I felt peaceful, like I was back on track. I did the right thing, difficult as it was. With my newfound serenity I clutched the phone, closed my eyes, and once again drifted off into slumber.
The startling ring of the phone woke me. Shockwaves coursed through my system jolting me from my state of peace into an intense panic. I reached for the phone, hands trembling, goose bumps covering my skin. Something dreadful happened. I heard it in the ring: loud, brash, alarming. “Where’s Jordan?” Maria asked with a sense of urgency. “You called him, Stephanie, right? Please tell me you called him!” She sounded panicked.
“Yes.” I yawned. “This morning. He was at the airport.”
“But you convinced him not to go. Right?”
I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what she was getting at or why she sounded so frazzled.
“No. At least I don’t think so. I tried though. Why? What’s going on?”
“Oh my God Stephanie!”
The phone went dead.
The doorbell sent tremors throughout my body. I still hadn’t caught my breath after the cryptic call moments ago. My mind raced, soared, but I remained befuddled, I couldn’t make sense of it.
I cleared my throat as I opened the front door to find Maria on the other side. She stood there somber looking, her eyes watery, swollen, a tissue in her hand. Without a word from me she stepped inside and threw her arms around my neck. She held me tight and cried openly.
I swallowed hard, understanding Jordan was gone.
Maria let herself fall onto the couch. I sat beside her unsure if I could speak, afraid to utter the terrible thoughts racing around my mind. It felt as if the world had stopped but I remained in a spinning motion. After what felt like an eternity I found my voice.
“What happened?”
Maria picked up the remote control and put the television on. A special report alert ran on the bottom of the screen, while images of a plane blowing up in the sky were shown over and over again, bits and pieces sailing through the atmosphere.
“Once again, we regret to report flight one-eighty-seven to Colorado has exploded. It’s still too early to determine the cause, however, at this time engine malfunction is suspected,” the reporter’s voice droned on.
Now I was as confused as sunshine during a lunar eclipse. “What’s going on?”
“Jordan,” she wailed, “was on . . . the plane,” her words were muddled in her shrill cries.
That couldn’t be right. There was no good reason he’d be on a plane to Colorado. Maria was wrong. She had to be wrong.
“No,” I shook my head fighting back tears. “He couldn’t have been.
“It’s true, Stephanie,” I never saw such sadness in her eyes.
“No. No! Don’t lie to me!” I yelled.
Maria shook her head and cried harder as she attempted to get through to me. Her voice was low, her words garbled.
“I would never lie to you about something like this. Never!” Speaking forced Maria to calm down. She went from sobs to sniffles.
I began to process what she was saying. “Why Colorado?”
“He was going to see his father. He had some things he wanted to say face-to-face.”
I felt my blood go cold. No. He couldn’t possibly be dead. Death was permanent, forever.
I picked my phone up and pressed redial. It went straight to voicemail. Not a good sign.
“Did you call his mother? Maybe he changed his mind, maybe he’s home and we’re just overreacting,” I suggested.
The corners of Maria’s lips curved up ever so slightly, cautiously. “It’s worth a shot.”
The first three times Maria dialed the number she heard a busy signal. The fourth time she seemed to let out a sigh of relief. She tapped her foot as she waited for an answer.
“Hi. It’s Maria.” The silence in the air was heavy burdensome. The hint of a smile she wore when she picked the phone up faded quickly and gave way once again to a sea of tears.
In the next hour, there were moments where reality began to set in. I shook. My teeth chattered. I couldn’t keep it together. I cried hysterically in my friend’s arms, giving in to the despair I tried to hold back since I heard my mother collapsed.
I yelled and screamed. I threw things around the house. I broke my mother’s favorite crystal. I cursed. How could this happen? Was this a trade? My mother for Jordan? Were they both being taken from me in one fell swoop?
“I told him to tell you face to face, before making his decision.” Maria said after a long while, when we started breathing somewhat steadily. “I called him late last night. He didn’t answer, so I left a message. I told him you really needed him. I just thought . . . I hoped he would’ve changed his mind and come here instead.”
The phone rang. I jumped for it and pushed all logic aside, hoping, praying somehow it was him.
“Hello, Honey.” It was Mom.
She was okay. At least for the moment.
Once I hung up, I sent Maria home. At first she insisted on staying, but soon understood I needed time to sort out what happened. She promised - no threatened - to come back in an hour if she didn’t hear from me.
I picked up my car keys and drove. I had no idea where I was headed, but I felt like driving far and fast. I put the radio on, blasting it as loud as it would go without being distorted. I hoped the music would distract my brain and make it stop working. I hopped on the highway paying little mind to my erratic driving or the darkening clouds above.
Arms by Christina Perri came on the radio. What were the odds? The first time I heard the song, I had an immediate connection to it. I thought it was written specifically for Jordan and me. It told our story. We slow danced to at the prom. I remembered his eyes looking down at me from time to time and his hand stroking my back softly as he mouthed the words.
Tears streamed steadily down my face making it difficult for me to see. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands allowing the car to swerve a little, rendering loud angry beeps from surrounding drivers.
I brought the car to a stop. It took me a moment to recognize where I was, almost as if the vehicle made its own way there. The clouds were thick and gray. Lightning flashed across the sky, bringing with it a clap of thunder so powerful it rattled my bones.
I got out of the car and walked. The beach was empty due to the threatening weather. The wind picked up, whirling and whistling. The waves crashed violently against the shore. I continued to walk, heading for the water, focused on the ebb and flow, lost in a world of memories and regrets.
It all came back to me in images and flashes: the movie theater, the bus ride, the prom . . . every moment we spent together. I thought about all the nights we laughed together, the days we wasted away and the love we squandered.
My feet continued moving forward with no destination. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, forcing me down into a pit of quicksand. I knew, the more you struggle, the quicker you sink. It hurt to breathe. I didn’t want this. If life was all pain and suffering and never being able to grasp what’s just beyond your reach, I was done.
I trudged on, longing for strength, each step felt heavier than the previous one. If only I had the courage to let go. Life was crushing me. Why not just let it sweep me away altogether?
I walked to the place where the water and sand meet, where they come together becoming one, just to be torn apart a moment later. I dropped to my knees in the wet packed sand and let the water wash past me. I ignored it, wanting only to hide my eyes and cry until my tears ran out. And if I washed away with the tide, so be it.
Thunder and lightning continued to crack and rumble, the sky promised to open at any moment. Still, I didn’t budge. I didn’t notice the birds flying overhead squawking, searching for shelter, or the few stragglers walking on the boardwalk. I knew nothing but my pain.
Shadows covered me. I sensed an odd presence and looked up. I felt the blood drain from my head. I lost my breath and my voice all at once. I cursed my eyes for being so cruel and playing such terrible tricks on me.
“Stephanie.”
I cried harder.
“Stephanie,” Again, his voice . . . filled with tenderness and compassion; eyes ripe with concern. He extended his hand to me.
I hesitated reaching out. Afraid he was merely an apparition conjured up in my mind. He dropped down to his knees beside me. My heart hammered hard and fast, I thought it would come through my chest.
I threw my arms around his neck and held him tight. Tighter than ever, giving thanks he’d been spared. I buried my face in his chest, feeling the warmth of his body on my cheek. His strong arms wrapped around me and I melted against him, letting my emotions sweep over me.
“Shh,” he whispered softly, one hand behind my back; the other under my hair, rubbing my neck.
“You’re alive!” I pulled my head back and looked into his beautiful, black eyes. “I love you. I love you so much, Jordan.” Tears streamed steadily down my face.
“I know.” He kissed my forehead in an attempt to soothe me. “I’m here.” He placed one hand on my cheek gently wiping away the tears with his thumb. “I’m not going anywhere.
I kissed his cheek. I kissed it again, and again, and again, unable to fight the sudden compulsion driving me. His arms crushed me tight against his body. I continued to kiss him until his lips searched for mine in return, leading up to the moment when finally we shared the all-consuming eternal kiss I’d waited my entire life for.
Jordan sat back in the sand, pulled me on his lap and rested his forehead against mine breathless. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, sobbing harder - unable for the moment to speak.
He tenderly brushed a few loose strands of hair from my eyes, “Everything’s going to be all right, Stephanie. I’m here.”