For Mac (19 page)

Branson’s next words were so soft Liam barely heard them. “What if I want there to be more?”

“We’ve talked about that too. If you ever truly do, I’ll be fine with that too, better than fine, but I will never expect more. And will never make anything dependent on there being more.”

Branson started to raise his head, so Liam loosened his hold. The last thing he wanted to do was to make Bran feel trapped. But Branson didn’t pull completely away like Liam expected. He pulled back far enough to look Liam in the eyes, their faces far too close together for “just friends.” Then, before Liam knew it, Branson closed the distance, and Liam felt their lips meet for the first time. He fell into the kiss at first, not questioning it. He had yearned for it for so long, but it finally occurred to him that this might not be the best time, certainly wasn’t the best time, in fact. He reluctantly pulled away, giving one last little peck on Branson’s beautiful lips.

“Branny.” Liam caressed the side of Branson’s face with the back of his hand. “As much as I’d love to continue that, do you think now is the best time? You checked out for who knows how long because you’re feeling guilty about all this. I don’t want to move forward and cause you more distress.” He traced Branson’s lips with a fingertip. “You know I would love more, but I want you to be okay with it tomorrow too… not just right now.” When he saw that Branson was finally meeting his eyes again, he added, “Why don’t you think on it tonight? If you still want to explore this tomorrow, I’ll be here with bells on, but be sure first, Bran, okay? This is a big step, and I don’t want you to take it because you’re upset or because you think you should or for any reason other than that you genuinely want more with me.” He brushed the ever-errant lock of hair out of Branson’s face. “I pride meself on being a sensitive man, putting other’s feelings first, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings of me own. I couldn’t stand it if we did something tonight that you weren’t comfortable with tomorrow. I couldn’t stand losing your friendship.”

Branson seemed to think for some time, then reached out and traced Liam’s lips with his fingertip, mirroring Liam’s action earlier. “I understand, and thank you. You’re right. I’m not completely sure I’d be comfortable with this in the long term… yet.” Then he traced the same finger up and down Liam’s face. “But I’m closer. Much closer.”

Liam smiled. “Then maybe your… introspection… earlier helped some. I hope it did. I hope you can be more comfortable with yourself, and, selfishly, I hope that means we can have more.” He patted Branson’s cheek and pulled back a little more. “But remember what I said. I will always be your friend, no matter what you decide.”

Branson nodded, and Liam broke away completely. Before the silence could become uncomfortable, he stood up.

“Would you be wanting more tea? It might help you sleep.”

Branson nodded, and Liam excused himself to refill their cups, and despite the late hour, they decided to start a movie, some awful science fiction fare that made B movies look good, but it was exactly what they needed that night. Branson was asleep on the couch a half hour in, and Liam didn’t have the heart to wake him to put him to bed or the desire to leave him alone in this big empty house. So he lifted Branson’s legs onto the sofa and covered him with the afghan that was always on the back of the couch. Then he moved to the recliner, leaned back, and fell asleep himself.

B
OTH
MEN
were quiet the next morning. Liam was worried about Branson and wanted to ask more questions but was afraid of pushing Bran away, even as a friend. They ate a nearly silent breakfast and settled on the couch to watch some movies. Branson hadn’t specifically asked Liam to leave, and Liam wasn’t about to until he was asked.

They had picked out three DVDs they wanted to watch, but halfway through the first one, Liam noticed Branson staring straight ahead. He stopped the DVD and called Branson’s name, but he was slow to answer. It wasn’t like the previous night, however. He did actually answer, but it was like he was shaking himself back into the here and now.

“Bran,” Liam started the conversations he’d been trying to avoid, but knowing he needed to have. “I’ve been thinking all morning of a way to address what happened last night and had about half decided to let it go, but that little episode made me choose not to.”

“What episode?” Branson’s voice sounded irritated. “I was lost in thought.”

“Probably… this time, at least,” Liam answered. “But Bran, I’m worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be.” Branson stood up, and this time he was definitely annoyed. “I’m fine. I have a lot on my mind.”

Liam reached out a hand to try to get Branson to sit back down, but Bran pulled away with a grunt. “Just leave me the hell alone.”

That was it for Liam. “Okay, Bran, I will, but you need to come sit down first. I have something to say, and I want you to hear me out. Then, if you still want me to leave, and I’m almost positive now that you will, I’ll go. But I’m not leaving you like this without saying my piece first.”

“Like what?” Branson nearly shouted. “I’m
fine
!”

“Maybe.” Liam patted the couch cushion beside him and purposely calmed his voice. “Come sit down please.”

At first it didn’t look like Branson would comply, but he finally, reluctantly, did.

“Thank you,” Liam said sincerely. “Now, can you let me say my piece without interrupting? I know you’re not going to like it, and you’ll probably want to yell at me, but can you promise to hear me out first? And then you can yell to your heart’s content if you want.”

Branson shrugged a shoulder and nodded, a quick jerk of his head without making eye contact.

“Thank you,” Liam reiterated. “I’ve been worried about you for a while now, but I thought you were handling everything more or less okay. You’re under a lot of stress. I know that, and that alone could account for most of the… symptoms, for lack of a better word, that I’ve noticed. But last night and this morning….” He trailed off but started again. “Bran, have you ever seen anyone for depression?” When Branson seemed to be getting angry and went to open his mouth to answer, Liam added, “Nod or shake your head. I still want to finish before you get any angrier at me and won’t let me go on.”

Branson shook his head.

“I know there’s probably more to the story than just ‘no,’ and I want to hear that in a minute. I do. But….” Liam decided to jump in with both feet. “I’ve thought since I met you that you might be struggling with depression, but I figured it was situational. Who wouldn’t be depressed in the situation you were in when we met? Are still in, really. And you seemed to be handling it as well as could be expected. You still held down a job, you were able to let yourself be happy from time to time. You were functioning fairly well, so I didn’t say anything. As this thing with Mac wears on, I see it taking a bigger and bigger toll… and rightly so. I mean, anyone would be worn down by this. But now I’m wondering if what I’m seeing is more clinical than situational. The situation has just made it worse.”

Liam paused to make sure Branson wasn’t going to explode or try to leave, but he was holding to his word. He was waiting for Liam to finish. “Bran, you’ve been showing many of the symptoms of depression: the unfounded guilt, the self-hatred, the mood swings, and overreactions… and, while the… I don’t know what to call it—minifugue state?—that you had last night, isn’t a typical symptom of depression, I can’t imagine that it’s not related. Especially since you’ve had episodes like that before, and they’re usually after traumatic events.” Liam gestured to Branson, indicating the obviously agitated state he was in right then. “And these mood swings and, yeah, overreactions is the only word I can find to describe it. Those
are
symptoms of depression.”

“So you’re saying I’m crazy.” Branson was nearly vibrating he was so visibly upset.

“First of all, you promised to hear me out without interrupting,” Liam stated. “And second of all, no, I’m not saying you’re crazy. I’m saying you may be suffering from a chemical imbalance in your brain that is making it more difficult for you to handle… everything… than it really needs to be. There’s a definite difference.” When it looked like Branson was going to remain quiet, true to his word, Liam continued. “I’m not saying you don’t have every reason in the world to feel exactly like you do. Hell, the current situation alone would be enough to crush most people. But add to that everything from your childhood… and excuse me for saying it, but it sounds like it was fairly shitty. You’re obviously already mad at me right now, so I’ll take this time to say what I’ve been thinking for a while. The more you tell me about how Mac treated you growing up, especially after he was given guardian status, the more it sounds borderline abusive. Hell, no borderline about it, actually. His physical outbursts were bad enough, but all the emotional abuse he put you through….” When Liam saw that Branson was about to lose his cool yet again, he was quick to add. “I’m sure Mac did the best he could. He was barely an adult himself and certainly not old enough to be ready to raise a teenager, let alone one who had just lost his parents, not to mention that Mac had lost his too. I’m not saying he was a bad person. I know he loved you, and I know you worshipped him, still do. And that’s fine. That’s great, but it doesn’t mean he didn’t make mistakes, some pretty big ones. Now, to give him his due, it sort of sounds like he didn’t have much of a role model to begin with either. Didn’t know how to be a good parent because he had rarely seen good parenting.” Liam raised his hands to keep back Branson’s interruptions. “In for a penny, in for a pound here, lad. I know you already feel like I’m attacking your brother, now it sounds like I’m attacking your parents too.” Liam took a breath and continued. “I’m not attacking anyone. I’m really not. Everyone did the best they could. I’m sure of that. And I know they all loved you to the best of their ability, but….”

Branson lost his fight. He exploded off the couch and rounded on Liam. “Not everyone’s childhood was one long episode of the freakin’
Waltons
, man.”

Liam jumped to his feet too. “Feck all, Bran. I know that. And I admit I was one of the luckiest kids on the planet. Comparatively, I had a perfect childhood.” He took a chance and laid a loose hand on Branson’s shoulder. “And I’m one of the luckiest
men
on the planet to have a friend like you. I love you, Bran—as a friend, if that’s all you’re ready to hear—and it’s because I’m your friend and because I care about you so much that I’m saying all this. It’s not to attack you or your family or to make you angry or to point out your flaws. Hell, you’d have at least half a day’s rebuttal pointing out all of mine, but….” Since the hand on the shoulder had been tolerated, Liam tried a finger under Branson’s chin and brought his face up to where their eyes could meet. “None of this is healthy, man. You’re running yourself ragged, have been for at least a year. I know you’re not sleeping well, and you have periods where you push your food around on your plate instead of eating much of it. I’m not sure, but I think you’ve lost weight since I met you. Not a drastic amount, obviously, if I’m not even sure about it, but enough to worry about when added to all the other symptoms.”

Branson collapsed back onto the sofa, suddenly devoid of all energy, all his earlier anger momentarily gone. “I don’t know what to say to any of that, Liam.”

Liam sank down on his knees in front of Branson, instead of sitting back down beside him. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I’m simply giving you food for thought. What I’d love to see happen is for you to go talk to someone, a therapist or something, to see if maybe you have clinical depression. There might be ways of making all this a little easier to handle….”

“You mean meds.” All the life was gone from Branson’s voice, and where Liam had expected anger again, there was… nothing.

“Maybe,” Liam agreed. “But not necessarily. Just someone to talk everything over with, if nothing else.”

Branson looked like he lost his best friend. “Can’t I talk everything over with you?”

Liam took Branson’s hands loosely in his. “Oh, Branny… always. You can
always
talk to me about anything. But that’s not the same as being able to talk to someone who has no vested interest in your personal life. Someone with whom you don’t have to filter everything you say, someone you don’t have to worry will still like you or accept you or whatever. There’s nothing in this world that you could ever say to me that would make me stop loving you, but that doesn’t mean you might not still worry that there is. There might be things you choose not to tell me, for fear of pushing me away. I don’t know. I hope there’s not, but with a counselor, you wouldn’t have to worry about that. You could say whatever came into your head without fear of reprisals.” Liam hooked a finger under Branson’s chin. “And to be honest, I’m not impartial when it comes to you. A therapist would be. They’d be able to talk to you about anything without getting angry about the way you were treated, without being worried that anything they say could push you away.”

“I’m not crazy, Liam.” Branson sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than Liam. “I’m not weak. I don’t need—”

“Did I say you were either of those things?” Liam said gently, with a soft smile. “You are one of the strongest people I know, Bran. Your childhood was shit, you had abusive and domineering or just plain neglectful authority figures around you your whole life. You’ve literally been beaten into trying to follow a path that clearly doesn’t fit you. And now you’re living with the reality that the one person you’ve always been totally dependent on may never come back to you. But you still put one foot in front of the other. You still hold down a job, you still go out with your friends, and you still have a life. Bran, that’s beyond strong. A crazy or weak person would have crumbled a long time ago. A crazy person would have pulled that fecking trigger long before Mama White could get to them. A weak person would have tried that many more times since then, especially within the last year. You are strong enough that you’ve been fighting through all of this alone, and you keep on going. You don’t let it stop you.” Liam squeezed Branson’s hands. “All I’m saying is that you don’t have to do this alone. You’ve got friends who will do anything for you, of course, but you could have the help of a professional who knows how to navigate all this. You could have meds, if they find that’s needed, that would make it easier for you to fight through it all.” Liam took a chance and brought Branson’s fingertips to his lips for a quick kiss. “You don’t have to do this alone.”