Friend Is a Four Letter Word (25 page)

“And then you ruined it. I’m going to go by my parent’s hotel. I want to spend a little more time with them before they leave tomorrow.”

“Shayna—”

But she’s gone.

“Look at you, calling your little sister for help,” Quinn says, letting herself in. I called her to come over after Shayna took off. “What’d you do this time?”

“I fucked up.” I deadpan.

“I gathered that. Could you be more specific?”

“I freaked out about that guy Nolan showing up.”

“Nolan? Seriously? C’mon, Carter, Shayna isn’t into him.”

“I know that,” I say.

“Well if you knew that, why’d you freak out?”

“Because, fuck I don’t know. I guess I still don’t feel like I deserve her. Because it’s hard not to keep telling myself that we should just be friends. When he showed up—it was like a reminder of what she could have if she weren’t with me.”

“Well that’s annoyingly self-depreciating,” Quinn says with a laugh. “But I’ve been exactly there.”

“Yeah?”

Quinn nods. “Um, if you’ll remember, it wasn’t exactly an easy road for Ben and me ending up together. I pushed him away for a long time. But you know what I think, Carter?”

“I’d like to know, that’s sort of why I called you over here.”

“I think that you’re trying too hard to classify what you and Shayna have. To make it fit into this pretty mold that you can easily define and explain. That’s just who you are, it’s how your mind works. You’re all numbers, facts, things that add up and make perfect sense.”

“Okay,” I say, not really clear on where she’s going with this.

“That’s stupid,” my sister deadpans.

“Perfect. This was an awesome pep talk, Quinnlette. You may want to have Ben help you brush up on your bedside manner, though.”

“No, what I mean is, your idea that love can be so easily defined is stupid.”

Once again, my sister is just full of positive reinforcement.

“You do love her, right?” Quinn asks.

“I do,” I say, my voice a little strangled. I feel my chest squeeze because I haven’t said it out loud before. I clear my throat and try again, this time, stronger. Because that’s what Shayna needs. That’s what she deserves. Someone strong. Sure. “I do. I love her. I just don’t know if it’s what she needs from me. I can’t even act like a human when I see her with an old friend.”

Quinn laughs. “Hey, Ben is pretty damn easy going, but he probably would have had the same initial reaction. I’d say it was pretty human, Carter. Cut yourself a little slack.”

“It’s all new to me. I didn’t plan on Shayna—not in my life like this.”

“Do you think anyone
plans
to be gutted by love?”

“I just don’t want to screw it up before it even really gets started. I don’t want to fuck it up and then end up losing her altogether.”

Quinn’s voice goes serious. Thoughtful. “One thing I’ve learned is that how you love someone is always evolving. To me, one of the most ignorant beliefs out there is that you can only love someone one way. And that that particular way—that the love will never change. But that’s just not true, Carter. Friends. Lovers. Nothing is ever written in stone. Lines can blur. You may screw up. Everyone does. When it’s real though, your heart allows for rewrites.”

I push myself off of the counter I’ve been leaning on, weighing my sister’s words.

“You don’t have to have it all figured out right now for it to end up okay is all,” Quinn says with a shrug.

“You think she’s gonna come back?”

Quinn laughs. “Of course she is, you moron. She loves you, Carter. That’s been obvious for a while.
Let
her love you. I know it’s hard, God do I know it’s hard. Let her in though, I promise it’ll be worth it.”

“When’d you get so damn smart, Quinnlette?”

Quinn’s smile straightens a little as her face takes on a more serious tone. “I seem to remember someone really being there for their sibling last year when she was a little broken hearted… a little bit dangling off a ledge. You pulled me back over, Carter. I didn’t forget that.”

Last year, after Quinn and Ben had broken up, I flew back home to find my sister in rough shape. If anyone knows anything about turning their life around and managing to hang onto the person you love—it’s my sister.

“Love you, kiddo,” I say, pulling her in for a hug and kissing the top of her head.

“Love you back,” she says. “Listen, if she doesn’t come back tonight it’s okay. Give her a little room.”

“Will do.” If she doesn’t come back tonight I’m going to lose my ever loving mind, but I play it cool in front of Quinn anyway.

“And let me know if you’re hungry, there’s still a ton of leftovers from the party back at my place.”

“Sounds good. Thanks for coming by. Get back to Ben, though.”

Quinn throws her head back dramatically and grins. “I’d better do that before he sneaks out to go make out with his camera.”

Carter is pacing the length of his apartment when I push through the front door.

His back straights and his head snaps to attention when he hears me.

“Your parents doing okay?” he asks, those dark eyes zeroing in on me like lasers.

“Everyone’s good,” I say. I want to ask if he and I are good. I don’t know how things went from so perfect to so ugly a few hours later. I ended up telling my parents that I’m moving in with Carter like I had planned to do before our argument. After this year, they deserved to hear something like that in person—especially because their faith doesn’t necessarily agree with my decision. They tried to sound accepting, even though I know it was a little disappointing to them. I hope that it was the right decision to tell them—I hope it ends up being worth it.

“Is it okay that I let myself in? You gave me a key and I—”

Carter rushes to my side before I can finish, folding me in his arms, kissing my forehead, and pressing my hair back over and over again. I’m caught off guard, but rather than question this, I press my body tight to his, arching against him and moaning low in the back of my throat.

“Thank God you’re home,” he says, his lips brushing my cheeks, my lips, his hands frantic over my body like he’s checking to see if I’m broken.

I nod lightly, dizzy from his touch, his lips. I can barely form the words I need to explain. “I’m sorry I ran out like that. It was just—”

“I know. He pushes the coat from my shoulders and tosses it on the back of the couch, grabbing my hips and pulling me tight to him, so I fit snug against his body. “No more running?” he growls.

“No more running.” I shake my head and look at him, his incredibly handsome face flushed with worry. For me. Because he wanted me to be here, with him. For the first time in my life, I just want to stop pacing.

I’m where I want to be and standing still doesn’t scare me.

“I’m sorry about the Nolan thing. Jesus,” he runs a hand through his hair and presses his forehead against mine, speaking softly into my hair. “I don’t know why it bothered me so much.”

“It’s okay,” I whisper, moving my hands up and down his back, tightly muscled through his thin cotton shirt.

He pulls back, and his eyes shine with a ferocity that would kind of freak me out if I didn’t know Carter. If I didn’t know how intensely he feels, how passionate he is about the things he cares about.

I feel beyond lucky to be someone he cares about. His love is the kind you can rely on to protect you forever.

He runs his hands down to take mine and threads our fingers together. “It’s not. And I lied. I know exactly why it bothered me so much. I know that he—”

I press my index finger to his mouth and lock eyes with him. “Don’t say it. It’s not true.”

Carter swallows hard. I hope he’s swallowing the thought. The words. The idea that he isn’t good enough for me. That I belong with someone like Nolan.

It’s not true. I’ve never been so sure about what’s true and what’s false, what’s right and what’s wrong as I am right now, in Carter’s arms.

“I belong here. With you,” I say, my voice shaking because—damnit!—I mean it and I want him to know. I never want him to doubt this one absolute truth. “And you don’t have to worry about anyone else. There isn’t anyone from my past who’s going to swoop in and ruin things. There was no one else who mattered before you, Carter. I promise.”

His smile breaks out like the sun after a long winter, and I feel thankful that I get to bask in all that warmth. He leans forward and kisses the tip of my nose, then wraps his arms tight around my body, walking me closer and closer to him. I giggle until we’re hip to hip. Then my giggles dry up, and I look into the depths of his brown eyes.

“I’m going to work like hell to make sure that you’re happy.” He says the words like he’s taking a solemn vow, and it’s so like Carter. To go from playful to totally serious in one stroke. He kisses my lips, then pulls away and continues. “To make it so you never have even the fleeting thought of running. I want to take care of you. I want to give you a home.”

He slides his hand down the length of my arm then clutches my hand in his. “I want you to be my friend.” I feel my neck prickle at the word. He raises my hand to his chest and presses it over the place where his heart thunders. “I want you in my bed every night. I want
us
to have a home. Together.”

I bite my lip and say, “It’s been a long day. Why don’t you help me out of this dress?”

Carter links his arms around me and gives the zipper of the black lace dress a gentle tug—unzipping it slowly—drawing it out as long as he can. Once it’s all the way down, he runs his hands up the now bare skin of my back until he reaches my shoulders, where he pushes the fabric off of them, leaving a trail of goosebumps on every inch of my skin his fingers have touched. My dress slinks to the floor. I step out of it, careful not to snag the lace on my high heeled shoes.

And it hits me.

I am now
that girl
.

Wearing the killer shoes.

Desperate to be with the man she loves.

I try not to feel self-conscious, standing here in the middle of the well-lit living room wearing nothing but a few scraps of lace and a pair of heels.

Carter leans in and whispers lightly, “You’re so goddamn beautiful.”

I’m shaky. Not in the
‘I need to keep moving’
way. I’m shaky because there’s a current pulsing through me. One that’s run by desire and love.

I take a small, involuntary step back.

Carter catches me before I wobble too much. He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and pulls my face to his, his lips unbearably close to mine without touching. And he says, “Don’t even think about running away from me again.”

A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. “Not a chance.”

“You tired?”

I shake my head. “Not even a little.”

“Shayna. Look at me, doll.” He tips my chin up so that I’m looking right at him. He says the next words with such fervor that I’ll never be able to doubt them. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Carter.” It’s the first time I’ve said it to a man, and my voice doesn’t shake. I don’t feel wobbly. I feel sure. Firmly planted. Home.