Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight (32 page)

 
Picture yourself in various social settings—parties, family gatherings, sporting events, time alone with your partner, a first date, being sexual—at various weights. Focus on the
positive
elements of your weight and, in each scenario, ask yourself the following questions:
• What are the advantages of being fat?
• What parts of my personality does my fat express?
• How could I express these parts of myself if I were thinner?
• Are there any negatives to being my “ideal” size?
• Are there any fears associated with being my “ideal” size?
• What aspects of my personality do I currently suppress because of my size?
• How might I express these aspects if I weren’t worried about my weight?
 
As you start to acknowledge the ways in which your weight benefits and protects you, you can move toward taking conscious responsibility of these benefits and protection, instead of allowing your fat to do it for you.
 
For instance, if this exercise shows that you use your fat as an excuse not to be sexually active, you need to examine your fears about sex. You then have the option to decide you don’t want to be sexually active and own that choice instead of using your body as an excuse not to have sex. Or you can decide that you want to become more sexually active and move beyond the limits you’ve set for yourself.
 
Other steps to take:
• Brainstorm other solutions for every problem you think weight loss will solve. For instance, if you think losing weight is the only way you’ll ever get a promotion, meet someone special, or be able to go to the beach, brainstorm other ways you can reach these goals.
• Wean yourself off the scale. Don’t give some stupid machine the power to weigh your self-esteem.
• Acknowledge and appreciate what your body can do. Isn’t it amazing that your legs can hold you up, that they can help you walk, run, or dance?
• Get rid of clothes that don’t fit. No need to have the constant reminder of what
could
be, or what
used
to be; instead, you want to live in the here and now.
 
Live your life for
today
, not ten pounds from now!
 
Accept Yourself and the
Rest Will Naturally Follow
 
Now you’re ready to move to the next step: accepting yourself, regardless of how much you weigh, how you look, or what others say.
 
Start with this thought: Your body doesn’t represent your core self. You are many more important things beyond your body: Perhaps you are compassionate, intelligent, articulate, and/or creative. Don’t give your body more power than it deserves; it can’t define you. Instead, cultivate a value system that puts appearance in its place and honors bodies for more than their packaging. Your body is valuable because it houses you.
 
Next, reflect back on the information from chapter 6 in which you learned about the culturally defined beauty standards that so many of us buy in to. Become more aware of the ways in which you have internalized these cultural messages (as with the exercises above) and accepted these standards of beauty.
 
Then recognize that you have a choice. You can choose your own standard of beauty, one that is realistic and respectful, or you can choose society’s hurtful standards. Just remember: You only have one body and despite how well you live your life, it may never change. Can you afford to hate yourself for the rest of your life?
 
Bring this new thinking to how you view your body. Experts call this vision
kinesthesia
, which simply means how you sense and feel about your body. Kinesthesia is a product of your imagination, much more influenced by your self-esteem than by others’ perception of you. Only you have the power to alter it.
 
Most people try to change their bodies to fit their minds’ perception of what their bodies should look like, i.e., starving themselves to lose weight. Moving toward a healthy body image requires just the opposite: changing your mind to appreciate your actual body.
 
The following exercise will start you on the track to changing your body image.
 
To start, walk in a public place, perhaps along a busy street or in a store. Consider how you feel about your body
in this moment.
How are you holding yourself? Are your shoulders slumped or erect? Eyes down or level? Are you making eye contact with anyone? What expression is on your face? Are you smiling or frowning? Don’t look at yourself in a mirror when you’re doing this; just look at yourself in your mind.
 
Later, sit alone in a quiet place and reflect on these questions:
• What does my body language tell others?
• What kind of response do I expect from others based on my body language?
 
For instance, if you walk with slumped shoulders, head down, you’re conveying the image that you are not worthy of approaching, that you don’t even respect yourself, and that you’re trying to hide from the rest of the world. But if you maintain a straight, proud posture, smile, and look people in the eye, you’re sending the message that you are a person worth knowing, one who feels comfortable within his or her own skin.
 
Next, remind yourself that you are more than your body. Make a list of everything you like about yourself. Don’t leave anything out. If you like the fact that you have wavy hair, write it down. Then list the successes you’ve achieved throughout your life. Make sure you’re listing things
you
feel were successful, not things society deems successful. For instance, if you graduated from college in four years with no debt, write it down. If you landed a career you love, write it down. And don’t forget the little successes. How about the time you painted the living room yourself or turned a weedy lot into a lush garden?
 
Now take that list and laminate it. Once a day, sit down with the list in front of you and make a new list: successes you had
today,
and new things you found to like about yourself
today.
Even if you only add one or two items a day, this exercise will remind you of your strengths and help you support yourself as you move toward self-acceptance.
 
Once you can believe in your strengths beyond your weight, try the walking-around part of this exercise. This time, walk like the person you really
are
—that wonderful, warm, creative person with talents that have nothing to do with weight. How are you holding yourself now?
 
Protect Against Negative Self-Talk
 
The corollary to this exercise is to protect yourself against negative self-talk. Your brain picks up on what you think and imprints these thoughts into your memory. Eventually, they become self-fulfilling prophecies, which is why sports psychologists train athletes to envision themselves sinking a putt, crossing a finish line, or winning a meet. Seeing themselves succeed over and over in their minds strengthens the mental muscle to turn the vision into reality. The same is true of negative thoughts.
 
If you do have negative thoughts about yourself while you’re making your list, or even throughout the day, envision yourself wrapping them up in tissue and tossing them into the trash to make room for more positive thoughts.
 
Reframe Your Thoughts
 
Another helpful strategy is to reframe your negative thoughts so you can view your life in new terms. For instance, if one of your negative thoughts is “I hate exercise,” try reframing that thought. Instead of thinking about your forty-five-minute walk as exercise, think about it as a gift you’re giving your body so it can become and remain healthy, and so you can continue to live an independent life free of pain. Don’t view it as a way to lose weight; that’s playing right back into the negative thought mode.
 
Sometimes, however, no matter how much you talk to yourself and will yourself to change, you just can’t make any progress. If this happens, don’t give up. Just
pretend
that you’ve succeeded. Imagine that you have the qualities or the body that you desire. Live your life “as if” you are already where you one day hope to be. The more you do this, the more you realize that it is your attitude that limits you. If you act as if you are something, you learn that you can be that something. You can have the life you want in the body you have now. Some day it’ll click for you and you’ll realize it’s not pretend anymore.
 
Love Your Scale!
 
Here’s another reframing trick that proved to be very powerful for Health at Every Size study participants. Artist, author, and activist Marilyn Wann supplied us with a “Yay! Scale,” on which she had replaced the numbers with compliments. Step on, let the dial spin, and be informed that you are “gorgeous.” Try again tomorrow and you may just register as “hot.” I promise you: A compliment will help you face the day with far more confidence than the numbers you find on a conventional scale!
 
Seize the Present
 
Instead of promising yourself new clothes when you lose weight, go out
now
and buy clothes you feel good wearing, no matter what you weigh. How about that vacation you keep promising yourself if you lose weight? Life is short! Call that travel agent
now.
 
Taking these actions now allows you to live in the moment, in the body you have today, which is the kind of “presentness” many spiritual disciplines such as meditation, yoga, and martial arts espouse. You want to live in the present moment with full awareness, an essential component of truly inhabiting your body. This ability is particularly important to you right now. If you accept the present reality of your body, you can focus on how you feel and what you want for yourself, and move forward in your life.
 
Find Support: Internally
and
Externally
 
The next step in transforming your attitude and behavior around weight and appearance and becoming more self-accepting is to find support. This book is one form of support. Congratulate yourself for buying it! Now find other avenues of support by talking to others who are experiencing similar explorations, educating the people in your life so they can be supportive, and reading more on the subject. (Check the resource bibliography in the Appendix.)
 
Consider therapy or a support group with like-minded individuals (there are some great online support resources) or even a reading club. There is safety in numbers and comfort in connecting with others.
 
 
Open Your Mind to Others
 
Just as you want others to accept you, it’s important that you accept others. While you may be discriminated against because of your body size, others are discriminated against based on their skin color, ethnic background, sexual orientation, or many other characteristics. Developing open-mindedness and empathy toward others who are discriminated against enables you to support and feel empathy for your own position. Being fat, like being Hispanic or a lesbian, is not bad; it’s just different.
 
Our diversity is what makes the world such an exciting place! We can celebrate size diversity in much the same way we are learning to celebrate cultural diversity.
 
 
 
Change the Culture
 
Repeat after me: “My weight is not a problem. Society’s problem about weight is the problem.” The true heroes among us are not those who have lost weight. They are the people who move on with their lives, who live proud regardless of their weight.
 
The single most powerful act available to you is to own your body—to walk proud and let others see you enjoying your body. Self-love is a revolutionary act! A person who is content in his or her body—fat or thin—disempowers the industries that prey on us, telling us we are unacceptable and need their products to gain acceptance.
 
You can also take another step that will both help you to solidify your new identity and make the path easier for others. Challenge the myths about weight whenever you hear them. Join activist organizations committed to size acceptance. Write letters, make phone calls, SPEAK UP.
 
You Can Live Proud . . .
in Whatever Body You Have
 
In today’s world, it
is
difficult to live proud in any body, let alone to live large and proud. There simply isn’t enough social support or role models for larger people. When the HAES participants started out, they were sure this was something they’d never be able to do. Although it is a difficult path for people of all sizes, the further we are from the cultural ideal, the more overt the cultural messages that undermine us.

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