Heroes In Uniform (152 page)

“Of course you could have tried to find me.”

“What?” Her raised voice made Cherry’s ears flick around like a rotating antenna. “
I
could have –What was I supposed to do? Demand the Army tell me where my friend had gone? Somehow I don’t think that would have rattled any cages at the Pentagon.”

“Maybe not.”

“You’re darned right not. You took off and left me no way of knowing where you were, and – ”

“Marti always knew where I was. And you knew that. All you had to do was ask Marti for my address and drop me a line.”

“Are you saying it’s my fault for not contacting you?”

“I’m not laying fault. I’m saying you made a choice, too.”

A voice in the back of her head whispered he might have a point – at least part of one. She
had
known Marti was in contact with Grif. She’d considered trying to contact him a couple of times. But she hadn’t. Was he right? Had she chosen not to try to get in touch with him? Because his disappearance had hurt? Her kids? Or her? Were there other reasons? She didn’t like the trend of these questions.

“You were the one who disappeared!”

“You could say that.”

Irritation at his unyielding inscrutability spurted steam through her – which was far preferable to confusion and self-doubt.

“I could say that, and I’d be right!” With effort, she reined herself in. “Of course, I understand why. The Army held out an important assignment to you, one that you could pull off in a blaze of glory – ”

“No blaze of glory.”

“I’ll have to take your word for that, but obviously it was good enough to advance your career.”

He shook his head.

The steam eased out of her, along with an element of certainty. It left her feeling a little limp, and oddly vulnerable. “But...but you must have completed that assignment or you wouldn’t have been promoted.”

“Only achieved half of it, and the Army had nothing to do with it.”

“You’ve lost me, Grif. What do you mean the Army had nothing to do with it? You had orders – ”

“No orders, least not until I requested them, and the Army didn’t give me that assignment. I gave it to myself.”

“Gave it to yourself? What does that mean?”

“The assignment was to forget you...all of you. And to stay out of the way until you and Dale sorted things out. I didn’t achieve the first part, but at least I held to the second.”

Questions poured through her mind like water over a waterfall. Too fast to get more than a flash of their color, a sense of their mood. One held enough form to be spoken. “But why leave so abruptly? If Dale told you how he felt, and there’s no one he trusted more, so – ”

“He shouldn’t have.”

She blinked up at him, stunned by his fierceness.

“Shouldn’t have trusted you? That’s crazy, Grif. Of course he trusted you. We both did. Why on earth would you say we shouldn’t? That doesn’t – ”

“How was the ride?” Luke appeared from the calving shed so promptly she suspected he’d been watching for them. He’d addressed the question to her, but his gaze went to the horses, like a father who’d lent his prized car to a new driver.

Even before Luke’s interruption it had been clear as a cloudless Wyoming sky that Grif wasn’t going to explain his comment. And for reasons she didn’t care to explore, she was both glad and sorry for that.

* * *

It was the closest he’d ever come to letting her know. But he’d left it just ambiguous enough to allow her to ignore the implications. And when she took that opening, he was partly disappointed and totally relieved.

She’d lied about being glad he knew about Dale’s thoughts of leaving her. It hurt her pride to have him know, and that hurt him – that she felt guarded with him, but even more that he was in any way a cause of her discomfort.

As for being on edge? Hell, yes, they were on edge. She wasn’t anywhere close to hitting on the reason, and she didn’t want to be. He’d known that for sure when she didn’t try to bring the talk back to more personal matters when they were alone as he drove her back to Ridge House.

And that was good, he told himself as he returned to Fort Piney for a shower and change of clothes before having dinner at the home ranch. Excellent, in fact.

He’d come to Far Hills to make sure Ellyn and the kids were okay, and would continue to be okay. Also, to try to restore his place in their lives as a family friend.

Friend
. The word mocked him.

It was hard to maintain that illusion when he’d nearly given himself away a dozen times. He had to stop touching her. Stop looking at her. And watch what he said.

Not that any of it seemed to bother Ellyn. All she seemed to worry about was that he might actually do something to lift some of the burden from her shoulders. He should be grateful she hadn’t picked up on his struggle. He was. Mostly.

Grateful, too, for this time with them. Ellyn, Meg and Ben.

Easing off the accelerator as he reached the edge of town, Grif smiled as he thought of Ben’s enthusiasms and Meg’s slow, reluctant, but undeniable warming.

A hand extended out the open window of a pickup coming the other way, and a call of “Hey, Grif” floated out. The late afternoon sun glared across the windshield, so he couldn’t see the driver, but it didn’t matter, as he returned the wave and the hello. Everyone in Far Hills had welcomed him as if he really belonged here.

It was a good place. A good place for Ellyn and the kids to build a life and put down roots.

A good place for him to spend some time.

As long as he didn’t let it make him want things that were impossible.

Shouldn’t have trusted you? That’s crazy, Grif. Of course he trusted you. We both did. Why on earth would you say we shouldn’t?

The answer was so loud in his head, he would have thought the words had escaped, except he’d had his mouth clamped firmly shut.

Because I wanted you myself
.

At The Heart’s Command: Chapter Seven

Marti was in complete agreement with him, so the sole item on his agenda for their talk after Emily went to bed was accomplished in record time. Then, Grif thought wryly, they got down to Marti’s business.

“It’s been good for Ben and Meg to have you around,” she said. “They like Luke and Daniel fine, but they haven’t known those two all their lives like they’ve known you.”

“Except for a year when I deserted them as far as they can tell.”

“They’re already a long way to being over that. As long as you don’t intend to disappear again.”

“I don’t.”

Marti showed no sign of needing or wanting the reassurance, as she plowed right on. “It’s been especially good for Ellyn.”

“I wondered when they first came out here how she’d do – but I knew she’d be under your wing, and Kendra’s, and you’d make sure she and the kids were okay.”

“Of course. But that’s not the point with Ellyn.”

“No, no it’s not. The point is she’s doing fine. She’s got a handle on things.”

Marti propped her hands on her hips and stared at him. “If bulls had as little instinct about cows as men have about women, there’d never be another calf born in all of Wyoming!”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you are missing the point entirely.”

“What point?”

“See! You didn’t even know there was a point. The point about Ellyn.”

“What about her? She’s doing great.”

“She is
not
doing great. Not in the ways that a woman worries about deep inside herself.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Marti.”

“Of course you don’t – you’re a man. But I’m going to tell you straight out so you can’t miss it. Ellyn’s spent a lot of years thinking she’s less than a woman because of that fool mother of hers. On top of that, I knew Dale Sinclair all his life.”

“What’s Dale got to do with it?”

“A lot. Now hush up and listen. No matter how many birthdays Dale had, he never grew up. And having a wife like Ellyn, well...any time Ellyn felt she wasn’t being loved by him she thought she wasn’t being the right kind of woman. Thought it was her fault. So things kept gettin’ easier and easier on him, and harder and harder on her. Now he’s dead, and she’s wondering.”

“She’s got to know that she – ”

Marti jumped on that fragment of a sentence triumphantly. “That’s where you’re wrong, Grif. She doesn’t have to know. Not at all. That’s why it’s so good for her that you’re around. Although ...” She looked at him expectantly.

He leaned back and gave her a level stare. “I’ve known you most of my life, and I know you’re going to tell me what you want to tell me no matter what I want, so get on with it.”

Her expression shifted, taking on a trace of chagrin, but giving no quarter. “I’ve known you
all
your life. And you’ve always been stubborn.”

“Persistent and tough-minded was on my most recent assessment.”

“That’s the Army for you – pussy-footing around the facts. I was being polite using stubborn. Bull-headed’s the real truth.”

She turned away, as if that would somehow make him miss the humor tugging at her mouth and creasing the corners of her eyes. But when she faced him again, her expression was serious. “But you’re not a fool, Grif, and you’re fair. So I’m going to say what I have to say, and then I’m going to ask you to think it over before you make up your mind.”

The only way to get out of this was to walk out. He wouldn’t do that to Marti.

“There’s a lot more Ellyn and the kids have lost than a regular income. You can see it with the kids, I don’t know why you can’t see it with Ellyn.”

When she fell into a silence, he prompted, “See what?”

“What they need. You seem to know the kids need a man around – a man they can count on, who’ll be there for them, make them feel good about themselves. Ellyn needs just the same. No –no, don’t go telling me again how she seems to have things taken care of in the house, knows how to do her own taxes and can deal with an old curmudgeon like Ed Bressler. I’m telling
you
now. And what I’m tellin’ you is she needs a man.”

“Marti – ”

“Oh, quit squirming around in your chair like a ten-year-old.”

“I’m not squirmi – ”

“No, you’re not,” she said triumphantly. “You’re sitting there like a stuffed bear. You’re a man, Grif, no matter how much you’d like to pretend you’re more soldier than man. And you’re just the sort of man Ellyn needs. Being reliable’s part of it, but if she just needed reliable, I’d get her a dog. She needs someone to look at her the way a man looks at a woman when he thinks she’s hot. And don’t bother being appalled I’d talk about such things. I’m your aunt, but I’m a woman, too, you know.” She flipped her hand, as if dismissing that topic, but she was far from through. “I’m not talking about you needing to marry Ellyn. I’m not even talking about sex. Although ...”

“Marti.”

“Well, you and Ellyn are two consenting adults and I don’t see why you couldn’t ... But that’s neither here nor there.”

The hell it was. It was very much
here
on his mind when he let his vigilance drop, and sometimes he thought it was very much
there
between him and Ellyn, an underlying hum to everything they said or did. Unless that was his mind playing tricks on him.

But he was
not
going to talk about this with his aunt. He stood. “Marti, I’ve got to go.”

She didn’t budge. “Go ahead. But remember, Colonel, the planet’s round. So you can only retreat so long before you come back to where you started.”

* * *

The day was mild enough and the noontime sun was strong enough that Ellyn and Kendra decided to eat their sandwiches at a picnic table in the small park across from Far Hills Market and a short walk from the
Banner
office.

“I hear Grif dug in manure in your garden for you – now that’s a friend!”

Ellyn sighed. “He’s driving me nuts with this helping. He wants to take us out to dinner all the time. He’s volunteering to pick up the kids at school. And he wants to buy me a dryer for heaven’s sake.”

“That’s great! You sure could use one. What?” Kendra studied her. “Not great?”

“Definitely
not
great.”

“What’s the big deal? It’s not like accepting a dryer from an old friend makes you a kept woman or something.”

There was no logical reason for heat – surely accompanied by color – to rise up her throat and into her cheeks. But logic never defeated a blush.

“Of course,” Kendra added with an assumption of airiness that Ellyn didn’t buy, “accepting help can take a lot of courage.”

“What does that mean?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

Ellyn hesitated, then sighed. “No, I’m not sure. But I know I’ve hit you with some observations that you probably didn’t want to hear, so it’s only fair.”

Kendra nodded, acknowledging the justness of her words. “Using myself as a prime example, I think it’s safe to say that the people who are the most touchy about getting help are that way because they know they need it. That makes them feel like they’re failing.”

Ellyn winced.

“Sorry, Ellyn.
I
don’t think you are failing, but I wonder how you’re feeling – ”

“Like I’m struggling. Maybe not failing, but certainly not succeeding.”

“And I don’t know why. You’re holding down a job, running a house, keeping up with your finances, being a terrific friend whenever I’ve asked to lean on you, fulfilling all your duties for the babysitting co-op and school, not to mention raising a couple amazing kids.”

“I just want to make sure Meg and Ben don’t feel an unbridgeable gap in their lives because of Dale’s death. I want ...” Her throat clogged with tears and the words stop coming.

“There’s no way they can not feel a hole in their lives with their father dead. But we’ve talked about this. And about how well they’re doing – and they are! So... Are you sure this is all about the kids, this feeling that you’re not succeeding? What about you, Ellyn?”

Hesitating usually persuaded her to tell less rather than more, but this time even after hesitating, she opted for opening a new level to her friend.