Some small part of himself knew he needed help, he understood he couldn’t keep everything inside and buried—it wouldn’t stay buried, all the bad things that had happened.
They kept bleeding out into his attempts at normalcy, undermining his fledgeling confidence and hopes until neither existed. He couldn’t talk about the things that had happened to him, much less deal with them.
Chase reached up and cupped his cheek, tugging slightly. James dared to look at his friend again and felt some of the ice coating his heart melt away at the concern and love in the man’s gleaming eyes. “I know you don’t believe me, and it sounds trite, but it
will
get better.
You
will get better. I understand you couldn’t tell me what—” Chase stopped and bit his bottom lip, glancing aside in the direction where Glenn and Xavier stood. “I do understand, but you can’t keep up like this.”
He shook his head, closed his eyes, and sighed all before meeting James’ gaze again.
He placed one hand over James’ heart. “I suck at this. I’m probably doing it wrong. What I mean is, I believe the man I’ve known and loved for years, the man who has been my closest friend, who’s always looked out for me—I know he’s in here.” Chase’s fingers pressed lightly, as if he were feeling for James’ heart through his chest, or maybe stimulating it to beat again. “I believe he’s here, wanting out, just waiting to make sure it’s safe again.”
Chase’s green eyes swam, moisture gleaming before it trickled down his cheeks. “It’s safe here, James. All of us, even Glenn, want you to be safe. We want to help.”
Hearing Glenn’s name didn’t rouse the usual feelings of fear and anger it usually did.
Instead, at this moment, James felt oddly numb, almost to the point of total disaffection. That disturbed him so much he felt panic trying to swell up again. Chase murmured something, James wasn’t sure what, then the hand pressed to his chest pushed just enough to remind James to breathe.
James did, deep and mostly steady, letting the air chase back the panic, glad and surprised it seemed to do just that. That small bit of control, of keeping his body from going haywire and tripping out on him again, gave James the smallest measure of encouragement.
“I want to…” James stopped and swallowed, the movement burning down his throat all the way to his stomach. He coughed softly and tried again. “I want to get—”
better?
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didn’t seem right, didn’t seem enough. James tried to figure out how to say what he wanted to explain, but there was nothing that fit.
For a man who’d once been the silver-tongued champion in the court room, it was frustrating to the point of wanting to punch something, but he’d already done that, taken out his anger and pain on someone else. Yes, he’d been angry, furious even at Glenn spilling his secrets, but a small part of him was now relieved it was out. He couldn’t hide from it anymore, and there’d been more than once he’d wanted to confide in Chase but hadn’t quite known how, especially not when he couldn’t say the words.
But what had truly set him off, he knew now as he sneaked a glance at the older man, was knowing that Glenn knew. James should have figured it, had suspected, but the need he’d seen in Glenn’s eyes on more than one occasion had given James hope that the agent didn’t know.
Because he couldn’t want me if I was damaged, right?
But as his eyes met with Glenn’s for one brief moment before the older man turned his head away, James had to wonder if he’d been wrong about that all along, and maybe Glenn had wanted him even if he was a mess.
James looked back at Chase and felt a tiny kernel of hope warming in his heart. He swiped at the moisture on his friend’s cheek. “I think I need help,” he admitted, and the words, instead of ripping him open like he feared, seemed to lift some of the weight off his shoulders.
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Chase leading James into the bedroom was his cue to leave. Glenn set the towel on the counter and forced his gaze away from James’ lean, defeated-looking form. Oh, he knew James wasn’t defeated, he just wasn’t sure James knew that yet, and he was afraid the man would condemn himself for what had happened moments earlier. Glenn didn’t want that, but he didn’t think now would be the best time to try to reassure James that he understood why he had just kicked his ass.
Xavier glanced at his partner’s retreating form before sighing and rubbing at his forehead. He groaned as he scraped his hand down his cheek. “I didn’t realise—” Xavier stopped, his lips thinning as he fisted his hands. “I thought James was just—that he needed time. I didn’t know.”
Glenn shook his head and immediately regretted it as the room tilted. He slapped a hand to the countertop as his legs wobbled. James packed quite a punch. “He could have been recuperating, and maybe he was, to an extent.” Pain radiated up Glenn’s jaw and across his cheek. In a flash his entire head throbbed, and his vision sparked with flecks of grey.
He felt hands on his arms, then a strong body against his as Xavier moved closer and held him upright. “You need to sit down. He really did a number on you.”
Glenn blinked and started to shake his head again before catching himself. The image of James’ furious expression materialised in his mind and he went cold inside. As angry as James had been, as hurt, he didn’t know if he could hold on to the hope that had driven him thus far. Even though he’d only had the best of intentions, he didn’t think James would ever forgive him. He just hadn’t thought Xavier and Chase realised how seriously James was hurt, or how much he needed professional help, and hadn’t known how else to make them understand. And they were responsible for him, in a way, taking James in and—
“I need to leave,” Glenn gritted out, pushing against Xavier. The man was a damned mountain of muscle, and didn’t seem inclined to step back, but he did eventually, glaring at Glenn with a mix of concern and irritation. “No, you should be monitored in case you have a concussion, not to mention I saw James hit you here,” Xavier brushed a hand over Glenn’s www.total-e-bound.com
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side, lighting new waves of fire along his ribs. “Do you think anything’s broken? Should we get you to the hospital?”
“No!” Glenn shoved at Xavier’s hands and managed to put a good foot between them finally. “A hospital would want to know what happened, and I’m not even going to risk James getting in trouble for this. And—” Glenn dredged up a glower of his own, even though it set a thousand pinpricks of agony throbbing in his face. “I’m capable of taking care of myself, despite the fact I didn’t fight back against James. He had a right to be angry.”
Xavier arched a brow and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t think all that anger was because of you. It was just directed at you.”
Glenn hoped that was the case, but with the way James had always been so skittish and fearful around him, he couldn’t quite believe it. He averted his eyes, unwilling to risk Xavier seeing the hurt and longing there. “Maybe, but I obviously disturb him and I don’t know why. It’s probably best I stay away for a while.” He’d go back to his hotel room and down a handful of ibuprofen, then try to figure out if he should make ‘a while’ into something more permanent. Just because he had some strong and, he suspected, enduring feelings for James didn’t mean the other man would ever reciprocate. As a matter of fact, after what had just happened, that last bit seemed extremely unlikely.
“How do you plan to get back to your hotel?” Xavier sniped, sounding pissed enough that Glenn almost expected another smack upside the head. “You can barely stand, so you’re definitely in no position to drive.”
Glenn straightened his spine, biting back a gasp as his ribs protested the movement.
He shoved his hands in his trouser pockets and refused to allow his body to sway. “I can drive myself just fine. I know my limits.” And if he chose to cross them, that was nobody’s business but his own.
Xavier snorted so hard Glenn felt the gust of his warm exhalation on his skin. The man smelt like coffee and mint, with a chaser of the leather he seemed to always be wearing.
“Really. You’re about a shade short of being translucent, buddy. And you’re tipping to the left. How do you think those ribs are going to feel once you’re sitting in your car, trying to drive? Think you’ll be able to stay conscious long enough to get to your room?”
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“Yes,” Glenn hissed, wishing he was as convinced as he sounded. The way he felt now, he’d probably pass out and end up in a ditch somewhere in even worse shape. “I’m fine.” He took a step and everything tilted, spinning, as the room darkened into a black void.
The next thing he knew, there was an attractive dark haired man with bright green eyes peering down at him worriedly. Glenn blinked and blinked, but nope, the man was still wearing neon pink scrubs smattered with penguins.
Fuck, I must be hallucinating like crazy!
Surely no guy would really wear such…colourful…scrubs. Glenn couldn’t even imagine someone manufacturing them, because who the hell would buy them?
Apparently the guy now nose to nose with him. “Your pupils are the same size, which is good.” Gentle fingers prodded along his jaws, then up to his temples. Glenn thought he deserved an award for not whimpering in pain. “I don’t think anything’s broken, but without a set of x-rays—”
“No,” Glenn grunted out, wondering if someone had filled his mouth with cotton. His tongue felt thick and his entire mouth was so dry he could hardly swallow. Still, he swatted at the hands poking his bruised face. “Who’re you?”
How the man understood the words was a mystery to Glenn, because they sounded like slurred gibberish to him. The green eyes crinkled around the edges as the man ignored Glenn’s attempts to evade his prodding. “I’m Josh, and since you passed out in Xavier’s apartment—well, James’ apartment—who I’ve yet to meet by the way, but I’ve been told he’s my next patient to check, if he’s willing—and since I happen to be a nurse, and you refused to go to the hospital, and Xavier and Chase are friends—”
Glenn quit listening to the confusing rambling from Josh. He got the gist of it.
“Let’s get your jacket and shirt off so I can check your ribs.”
“I’m fine,” Glenn snapped, sounding a little more coherent. “Been hurt worse before.”
He caught Josh’s hands and squeezed once before releasing them. “Really,” he assured when the man turned those worried eyes to his.
“Please,” Josh asked with so much concern in his voice that Glenn knew he wasn’t going to be able to refuse again.
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Maybe the man was a brilliant actor, but Josh looked worried, and like he truly cared if Glenn was hurting, and after what had happened earlier, Glenn felt that concern wash over him, soothing a little of the aching burn of James’ hatred.
He hates me.
The realisation rang in Glenn like a death knell, trampling his hope into dust.
It wasn’t fear that I kept seeing in James’
eyes, it was hate.
How had he misinterpreted it before? Glenn couldn’t even blame James for it, because if Glenn had been faster, smarter, a better agent, James would have been found sooner and he wouldn’t have been held captive and abused.
No wonder. God, I’ve been such a
fucking idiot.
Glenn closed his eyes, feeling worse than he ever had He needed to give up any hope of James ever wanting him in return. “Go ahead,” he muttered to Josh, not because he cared what happened to himself at that point, but because he couldn’t bear to cause one more person harm, even if it wouldn’t truly hurt Josh if he said no.
And besides, it will probably hurt
like a bitch, and God knows I deserve it.
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James shuffled his feet nervously as he waited for the knock on the door. It had been three days since he’d lost it and attacked Glenn Shearing, and the guilt and self-recriminations had eaten at him steadily. When Chase had told him about the psychiatrist willing to make house calls, James had agreed readily. He wanted to get better, and he wanted to be able to apologise to Shearing, but right now, he thought he’d have a panic attack if he tried to speak to the man.
Because there was no reason he could see for Glenn to accept his apology. Yeah, James wasn’t happy about his secrets being spilled, but he did understand he couldn’t be helped if he didn’t admit what had happened. Hiding away from the world wasn’t the answer, and he just hadn’t been strong enough to face it. He might never have been if Glenn hadn’t pushed, even if that wasn’t what Glenn had been trying to do.
Everything was such a jumble in his head, but things were starting to settle. Bits of himself he’d thought lost were floating to the surface, maybe not as strong as they used to be, but still there, still a part of him. Not gone forever, like he’d feared. He’d been too afraid that was the case to examine himself, too afraid of remembering what had happened to delve under the turbulent waves that threatened to drown him.
James rubbed at his forehead and concentrated on keeping his breathing slow and even. He could do this,; he could talk to this Doctor Shariva, listen to her, let her help, couldn’t he?
Well, unless I want to end up a recluse, unable to step out my own front door, I’m
gonna have to. And I want my life back!
He didn’t want to be this sad, scared man he’d become.
Scarred, damaged…maybe those things would always be a part of him, but they didn’t have to rule him.
When the knock on the door came, James was calmer than he would have thought.