Authors: Claire Matthews
“Christina,” Janie began. The older girl came up short at the sound of her name. “Listen, what we told you before—it wasn’t the truth. I don’t work for a law firm. I just need some information about Ken. And I think your mom can provide it for me.”
“Why? What’s it to you?”
“Ken’s my father.”
“So you’re Janie.” Christina said, her face grim. “I figured. You look like him.”
“Who. The hell. Is Ken?” Natalie screeched.
“You must be Natalie,” Janie said, extending her hand. “I’m Janie. And this is my friend Aaron. I need some information, and I’m hoping your mom can help me. Do you know when she’s going to be home? I can leave my cell phone number.”
Natalie remained still, and didn’t respond to Janie’s questions. Christina moved back and opened the door fully. “Come on in. Mom will want to meet you. She should be home in a few minutes.”
Aaron stepped back and let Janie go in first. They were led by the girls to a family room with two overstuffed couches. Janie sat in one and sank so low that she doubted her ability to stand up again.
“Would you like some juice or something?” Christina asked.
Aaron opened his mouth to decline, but Janie placed her hand on his knee. “Sure, I’d love some juice. He would, too,” she said, pointing her thumb at Aaron with a grin. After both girls retreated to the Janie gave Aaron a sheepish look.
“I couldn’t lie to kids, okay? Plus, I just want information. It’s not like I’m coming begging for money, or some kind of Hallmark Channel reconciliation. I just want to find him.”
“I know,” was all Aaron said. They looked at each other for a long moment, and Janie would have reached over and kissed him if there weren’t two teenagers in the next room. They were startled by the roaring bark of a heretofore unseen black lab coming from the backyard, followed by the sound of a door opening. Linda was home.
CHAPTER 12
AARON
An hour later, Janie was still staring at Linda with a look of disbelief on her face. Aaron could tell that she was overwhelmed, but he wasn’t sure whether he should intervene or butt out. So he sat back and waited.
“I still don’t understand. I mean, where is he now?”
Linda, a middle-aged woman with short, frosted-blonde hair, gave Janie a look of sympathy. “He’s in a facility back in Alabama. Birmingham. He’s been there for over ten years now.”
“Does anyone ever go and see him?”
“I go once or twice a year. Last year I took Christina with me.” Janie’s face was pained. Linda signed. “I know it sounds cruel, but he doesn’t want or need visitors. It upsets him. He’s convinced that we are all out to kill him. His doctors say that it takes him weeks to calm down after we come to visit.”
“Isn’t there medicine or something that will help?”
“They’ve tried a lot of different things. Schizophrenics react differently to different meds. Ken’s been on several different experimental drugs, but the effective doses are usually so high that they cause all kinds of horrible side effects.”
“Like what?”
“Well, a few years back the doctors thought they’d found a new drug with some real promise, but within a week he was having involuntary muscle spasms. They got increasingly worse, and then he started having seizures, so they discontinued it.”
“It’s just so sad,” Janie whispered. “I don’t understand why they can’t find some way to help him.”
“He’s not miserable, honey,” Linda said, reaching out to cover Janie’s hand with hers. “They have him on anti-psychotics and tranquilizers. For the most part, he’s calm. He reads books and watches some TV. He’s in group therapy and individual therapy. They teach him how to cope when he’s feeling overwhelmed or frustrated.”
“But he’s not well enough to see me? Does he even want to?” Janie’s voice broke, and Aaron wanted to take her away from this house, these people. He knew it was going to be bad news. Why didn’t he do more digging before bringing her here to be ambushed?
Linda’s frowned. “I think at some level he does. But you have to understand, he has demons. Voices that feed him lies. He was convinced for decades that your mother wanted to kill him. Just the mention of her name would send him into a panicked rage.”
“Does he know she’s dead?”
“No. I called the hospital, but they thought it’d be best to wait for a while to tell him. He’s been having trouble with his latest medication, and they don’t think he’s stable enough to handle it.”
“Do you think he’d agree to see me if he knew mom was gone?”
“I don’t know.” Linda looked contemplative. “You looks so much like her. I’m not sure he’d be able to handle it. And I’m not sure they’d allow you to see him anyway. For your own safety.”
“But it can’t hurt to try. If he gets agitated, I could always leave.”
“Janie, listen.” Linda took one of Janie’s hands and held it between her palms. “Your mother never told you anything about why she left your dad?”
“No, I told you. She always said he was a one-night stand, and that she didn’t know his name.”
“Okay.” Linda took a deep breath, then cleared her throat. “Okay. The truth is, Ken got it in his head that Elaine was cheating on him. She wasn’t, of course, but he was convinced that she was having an affair with one of the men in the neighborhood. I don’t even remember who it was, but he was sure of it. And from there, he began to believe that you weren’t his child. That your father was this man your mom was supposedly sleeping with.”
“Jesus,” Janie whispered.
“It was horrible. He’d terrorize your mother. Threaten her. He locked her in closet once, when he thought she was leaving the house to meet up with the neighbor. And then he began hitting her, torturing her. Holding her face over the flames on the stove, throwing lit cigarettes at her.”
“Why didn’t she leave? I mean, obviously she left, but why didn’t she leave sooner?” Janie’s voice was thin. Aaron could feel her anger, her outrage on behalf of her mother.
“Because she loved him,” Linda said simply. “She knew he was sick, she wanted to get him some help. He’d have these periods of lucidity, and he’d apologize, and agree to see a therapist. But eventually the voices took over, and weekly therapy wasn’t enough. He needed to be institutionalized.”
“So what finally drove her away?”
“One day she ran out to the grocery store while you were having your nap. When she got home…” Linda stopped and shook her head. Then she continued. “When she got home, he had you up against the wall, with his hands around your neck. He was yelling…well, he was yelling awful things about you, and her, and she knew she had to leave. She was able to get you away and sent you to stay with a neighbor for the night. The next day she packed a few bags while Ken was at work and disappeared. We never heard from her or you again.”
Aaron leaned over and whispered in Janie’s ear. “Are you okay?” She nodded, sitting still on the huge couch between Aaron and Linda. Her hand was still held by Linda. Aaron rubbed her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “We can take a break if you like. Come back later.”
“No, I’m okay. It’s just gonna take me a minute to wrap my head around this.” She looked up and gave Aaron a look that was full of sadness.
“So he’s been in a facility since my mom left?” She asked, redirecting her attention back to Linda.
“Pretty much. Things went south pretty quickly once he was left alone. He lost his job. He became more and more paranoid, never left the house. My mom would bring him food every few days, and we all checked on him when we could.
“Did he commit himself?”
“Oh, no. The neighbors called the cops one night when he was playing his music too loud. When they arrived, he was combative. He thought your mother had sent them. He was convinced that she was working behind the scenes, getting him fired from his job, turning his family against him. Anyway, he was arrested, and they put him on a psych hold. They finally ordered a full evaluation at the state hospital, and he was admitted into a group home. He’s been in several homes since then, but the current one seems to be the best for him.”
“But why-“Janie looked at Aaron, and he raised his eyebrows. She turned back to Linda. “Why didn’t any of you contact my mom? Or me? I was still your family.” The hurt in her voice made Aaron chest ache.
“Oh, honey. We thought about you every day. My mother, your grandmother…she never got over it, losing you. Her first grandchild.” Linda paused, reliving something in her mind. “I talked to your mom, a few weeks after she moved. She called from a pay phone, and wouldn’t tell me where she was. It was clear that she wanted to cut off all ties. He’d tried to kill you. She was done with him, with us. I can’t say that I blamed her. She wanted to start fresh, in a new city. She didn’t ever want him to find her. We had to respect her wishes, after all he’d put her through.”
Janie nodded, indicating that she understood. Then she stood, and excused herself, heading off towards the half-bath adjacent to the kitchen.
“Is she okay?” Linda asked Aaron after Janie was out of earshot.
“I…I guess so. This is a big shock for her. Until very recently, she had no idea that her father was anything more than a passing figure in her mom’s life.”
“I know. I’ve often wondered if we did the right thing, withdrawing from her life like that. But I just couldn’t put Elaine through any more heartache.” Natalie entered the room. She and Christina had been upstairs in their family game room while the adults talked.
“Mom? Are they gonna stay for dinner?”
“I don’t know. You’re more than welcome to,” Linda said to Aaron. He was about to answer when Janie returned.
“That sounds lovely, but I think I’d like to take a break. Can we find a place to stay for the night?” She addressed this question to Aaron.
“Of course,” he said, standing up and rubbing his hands together nervously. “Why don’t I go out to the car and search for on the GPS for a hotel nearby? I’ll leave you guys to say goodbye. It was nice to meet you.” He shook Linda’s hand, waived at Natalie, and let himself out the front door.
Sitting in the car, he couldn’t concentrate on the task of searching hotels. His head was full of Janie, and her dad, and her mom, and what a fucked-up thing the human brain could be sometimes.
When Janie finally returned to the car, she entered silently, sitting still until he finally put his hand on her knee.
“Do you want to talk?”
“Not really.” Her voice was soft but raw, and Aaron nodded. He drove out of the subdivision, headed towards the interstate. After a few moments of silence, Aaron looked over. “Janie?”
“Hmm?” She was staring out the passenger-side window.
“Where are we going?”
Her shoulders rose and fell once. Aaron sighed, not sure of how to proceed.
“We can go home,” she finally whispered, placing her forehead against the window.
So they did.
CHAPTER 13
JANIE
It was the buzzing of her cell phone that woke Janie up from her impromptu nap. Rubbing her eyes and pulling herself up from the table she’d slumped over, she hit the “receive” button.
“Yes?” Great. She sounded like a bullfrog with bronchitis.
“Umm, I was calling for Janie?”
“Mia, it’s me,” she said, sitting up straighter and clearing her throat.
“Crap, you sound like an emphysema patient. What are you doing?”
“Passing out in front of my laptop. Well, more accurately, getting caught up on case notes,
then
passing out in front of my laptop.”
“Were you even drinking? Or are you officially the most boring woman on the planet?” Janie rolled her eyes. The way Mia acted, a single woman under thirty was beyond pathetic if she didn’t spend every night at a party or in a vodka bottle.
“The latter, I’m afraid. I’ve almost caught up on my casework. I’ll probably call it a night and get up early to prep for tomorrow’s patients.”
“So what, you’re going to bed before ten?”
“Mia, I’m tired,” Janie groaned. “Stop judging.”
“Have you talked to Aaron?”
Janie’s heart stopped. Why would she be asking about Aaron? “No. Why?”
“I don’t know. Mark said something about Aaron moping around the office like a sad sack. I thought maybe the two of you had a disagreement or something.”
“Disagreement? What would we even disagree about? We set out to find my dad, and we did. I sent him a check to cover his time and travel expenses. Do you think it got lost in the mail or something?
“You
mailed
him a check? That’s cold, Jane.” Janie flinched at Mia’s disapproving tone.
“Well, I didn’t want to show up at his office unannounced. I included a nice thank-you letter.” It sounded horrible, even to her own ears.
“Janie, don’t shit a shitter. What’s up with you? I know you have feelings for Aaron. Every text you sent me on your trip mentioned him—I haven’t heard you talk about a guy so much in years. And from what Mark says, Aaron’s walking around like a lovesick pup. So what happened?”
God, what did happen? During the drive home the previous week, Janie was in no mood to talk. She was depressed about her dad, disappointed in her mom, and angry at herself for opening a box that she knew would only bring pain and heartache.
Aaron tried a few times to cajole her into talking, but she could tell he felt out of his element. As much as she liked Aaron, and appreciated his help, and, okay, lusted after his bod, by the time they were back in Texas she’d convinced herself they’d be better off apart. He had issues, not only with his OCD, but in other aspects of his life. She had enough issues of her own, and adding a new boyfriend to the mix didn’t seem like a great idea. Now that she had first-hand knowledge of how mental illness had torn her parents’ marriage apart, she was in no great hurry to jump into a relationship with a troubled man.
So she’d given him the ‘let’s be friends’ talk when he’d dropped her off at her car. It was awkward, and Aaron’s face had morphed into an unreadable mask. He agreed to her friendship proposal and drove off quickly. That night had been a sleepless one, full of remorse and regret, but by the next morning, Janie had decided to put her Aaron, her dad, and even her mom behind her, and move on with a fresh start.
But she was lonely. Lonely and guilty, and stopping herself half a dozen times a day from calling Aaron with a story or joke that she knew he’d laugh at.
“Nothing happened, I swear,” Janie insisted. “We parted as friends. No hard feelings. Aaron’s a super-nice guy, but he’s got things he needs to deal with, and so do I. I just think we’d be better off alone for the time being.”
“Yeah, because you both seem so happy apart.” Mia’s sarcastic tone grated on Janie’s nerves, but she chose to ignore it.
“We’re fine, stop being a nag. How goes it with your new Romeo?” Janie asked, desperate to change the subject.
“In a word…stupendous,” Mia gushed. Romeo was actually Nate, a personal trainer with a limo business on the side. Mia met him when he chauffeured a group of her college sorority sisters to a bachelorette party. It was love at first ogle.
“I’m surprised you’re upright and walking, the way you two carry on.”
Mia laughed good-naturedly. She was not easily embarrassed. “I’m lucky, alright.”
“Okay, that’s enough out of you, Sexy Kitty. I’m going to bed, but I’ll be in bright and early tomorrow. Wanna latte?”
“Bring me a caramel macchiato and I’ll be your slave for life,” said Mia.
“Down, girl. Save yourself for Richard Simmons.” She laughed when Mia blew her a raspberry through the phone as she hung up.
***
Tuesday morning. Was there a worse time of the week than Tuesday morning? Even with a latte and a blueberry muffin as reinforcement, Janie’s feet were dragging as she moved across the parking lot towards her office.
“Janie.” She stopped and turned to her left, and saw Aaron resting against the side of his car. Her heartbeat went into overdrive, and she let forth with a little hiccup of surprise. His arms were folded in front of him, and he didn’t look particularly pleased to see her.
Janie shaded her eyes with her free hand and squinted. “Hi,” she called, but made no move towards him. She wasn’t quite sure how to proceed. Why was it so good to see him? Did she miss him more than she was willing to admit to herself?
“Hi. I came to see you. Is that okay?” His hands remained tucked tightly in his armpits. He might have come to see her, but he didn’t look particularly pleased about it.
“OF course it’s okay,” she called, moving towards him now. “I’m glad you’re here. How long have you been waiting?”
“Not long,” he shrugged, once she’d made it across the lot. She touched his elbow in greeting, but he ignored her
“You seem upset. Do you want to come in and talk?” Janie asked, dipping her head towards the front door to the office complex.
“No, I just needed a word. We can do it here.” When he didn’t continue, Janie tried to meet his gaze, but he kept his eyes planted firmly on his toes.
“Okay. What is it you wanted, Aaron?” He was making her nervous now. Had something happened at his job, or to his family? “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”
“Yes. I mean, I guess. I just-” He stopped and ran his hand down the back of his head. “Listen, I wanted to let you know that I’m seeing someone. About…you know…the OCD stuff. I’m eating. And leaving the house more. I’m dealing with issues, like the car accident. And I know you said you just wanted to be friends, but I like you, and I think it’s kind of chickenshit of you not to at least give me a chance.”
“Chickenshit of me?”
“Yes.”
“Wait a minute—am I a shit for not dating you? Or am I a coward for not dating you?”
Aaron exhaled a big puff of air. “Yes.”
Janie took a step back, hands planted firmly on hips. Who did he think he was? She was not a coward. “Listen, Aaron. I’m sorry that you’re disappointed, but I never made any promises to you. We were thrown together for a few days, but that doesn’t mean-“
“We clicked, Janie. We were starting something, and you know it. And then you found out the truth about your father and you ran to bury your head in the sand.” She shook her head to disagree, but he continued. “I’m not your father, Janie. I may have issues, but I’m not crazy. And I’m not violent. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“I never said you would,” Janie whispered.
“But you thought it. You looked at me and my quirks and you thought I’d be too big of a challenge. Too much of a risk.”
“Aaron, all I said was that we both have big issues that we need to work on.”
“But why do we have to work on them alone? Why can’t we help each other? You bring out the good in me, Janie. I like the man I am when I’m with you. And believe it or not, I’m good for you, too. Or at least I would be, if you’d give me a chance.”
It was Janie’s turn to study the scuffed toe of her shoe. Was he right? Was she being a coward?
Aaron reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, waiting patiently until she raised her eyes to his. “I like you Janie. More than like you. I’ve never fought for anyone like this. In fact, I’ve never done anything as remotely forward as this. But I think you’re worth it.” He bent to place a kiss on top of her head, then turned towards his car.
“Wait, Aaron…” Janie said weakly.
“That’s all I had to say. I won’t bother you again.” He opened the driver’s side door and slid inside.
“Well, you can’t just leave it like
this
,” she cried.
“Sure I can. The ball’s in your court now. But whatever you decide, just know that I’ll never forget our trip. It changed my life.” He closed the door and backed out of his parking spot, as Janie looked on silently. She shook her head and rubbed her temple with her thumb and middle finger.
Chickenshit.