Love Me Like That (35 page)

I didn’t have even the slightest clue what therapy would bring to a head. It’s been a very eye-opening experience to say the least. After my tantrum in the condo the night I packed away Savannah’s things I realized I’d never wanted to live in that damn condo in the first place; being in the middle of town was what Savannah had wanted. Once again I bent and compromised because I wanted her happy more than anything in the world.

Dr. Long also helped me realize that staying there not only forced me to hold onto the past but also the hope that London would return. Not one word from her in three months made me face the realization she wasn’t coming back. The two weeks we spent together obviously didn’t impact her life as much as it did mine.

I know I’ll probably never find her, but that hasn’t kept me from calling around to doctor’s offices and hanging around baby stores. It’s become second nature that I stop in and roam around every time I see a sign that even hints at having baby items. I know I’m wasting my time, but I have nothing else to do.

I moved out of the condo a month and a half ago. I figured three months of her not showing up proved she never would. If it weren’t for the fact that she was possibly pregnant, I might have given up looking for her altogether. I may stop looking for her eventually, but I can’t imagine I’ll ever stop caring for her. She somehow has become part of my soul, and that never goes away.

I bought a home that’s rural to Spokane on a large part of land. As a distraction, I’ve actually spent the time to furnish it just how I want it. I left every piece of furniture I owned in the condo, except for the queen sized bed London and I slept in when she was there. Creepy I know, but it’s the only thing I have from that time that she’d touched.

I also got a dog. Dr. Long felt like some form of companionship was a necessity, and since I don’t see myself jumping into the dating pool anytime soon, it seemed like the best alternative. Pudge, the mixed breed mutt I rescued from the local shelter, and I roam the property around the house most evenings, and he has free range of the land when I’m gone.

I’ve gotten things under control at work, and I’ve been going to the Sunday dinners with my family. After a long heart to heart with my dad, I’ve cut my hours back at the office and only work a regular workweek rather than the sixty to seventy hours I’d been putting in before Savannah passed. I explained to him that I didn’t want to work that much in the first place, but did since she was at work herself. My saving grace was Lisa reconsidering and coming back to work after she had her baby. I’m certain the full-time day nanny and nursery I set up onsite convinced her.

I don’t work at all on the weekends anymore which is why I’m sitting on the front porch watching Pudge chase after a half deflated basketball. The thing is in tatters and reeks to high heaven but it came with him from the shelter, and he loves it. Who am I to deny the guy of something he loves?

I’m mid-laugh when I see Kegan’s truck making its way up the driveway. I no longer feel dread when I see a family member drive up, and the sight of my baby brother climbing out of his truck makes me happy. We’ve spent quite a bit of time together since I moved here. He constantly bitches about having to drive so far out, but I refuse to go to his nasty apartment. I told him I could meet him there if he ever got out of his bachelor phase and cleaned shit up. He hasn’t complained about coming out here since; clearly he’s not ready for that big of a step in his life.

He reaches down and scratches Pudge’s head and has to hold the pizza he’s carrying higher so the dog can’t jump up and get it.

“He seems much healthier,” he says as he walks up the porch steps.

“He eats like he’s starved every day. He’s filled out quite a bit since I got him home.” I reach down and pat Pudge’s head as he wiggles excitedly never taking his eyes off of the pizza box Kegan sat on the patio table.

“I think I should get a dog,” he says absently.

I laugh. “You can hardly take care of yourself. Why would you want to torture an innocent animal like that?”

He smirks back at me. “Maybe you’re right.” He flips the lid to the box and takes a slice out then slides it closer to me.

“Let me guess?” I say looking at my watch. “You’re here to watch the game?”

He nods and continues chewing. He doesn’t wait until he swallows before saying, “Your TV is bigger than mine.”

I grimace as food falls out of his mouth. Pudge is on it in seconds. I shake my head knowing my brother may remain single for the rest of his life.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the impromptu meal. I toss the crust of my last piece to Pudge and stand. “Pregame is about to start.” I head into the house; Kegan and Pudge follow.

Kegan left shortly after the game, and I spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning up after him. He’s like a tornado that manages to leave destruction in his wake. I hear the doorbell chime as I wad up the Clorox wipe I used to get his finger prints off my coffee table.

He must have left something; I think as I pull open the door. “What did you…?” I stop mid sentence and cringe when I see not Kegan, but Sierra standing on my front porch.

I haven’t seen her since she was carted off by the employees from the mental health institution. Her parents let me know last week that she was out and seemed to be doing better. I figured it would take her longer to find me.

“Hey, Sierra,” I say as platonically as I can but remain in the doorway, apprehensive to let her in the house.

“Hey, baby.” I wince at her use of the nickname. “Can I come in? I brought a gift.” She holds up exactly what I would expect from her, but the bottle of whiskey doesn’t hold the same power over me that it did five months ago.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Sierra.” I try to keep the tone of my voice neutral.

“You didn’t tell me you moved. It’s almost insulting that you’d leave and not tell me where you went.” She bites her lip, and I know it’s a failed attempt at seduction. “Imagine my surprise to see an old man answer your door at the condo.”

“How did you find me?” I know she has unlimited resources considering her net worth, but I’d like to know what she did exactly so I can let her parents know. She seems to grow more unstable as the years go by. She was what I’d call quirky when Savannah and I started dating, but this is borderline stalking.

She ignores my question which is typical of her. “I was hoping we could have a drink and make love. I’ve missed you. It’s been months since I’ve felt you inside of me.”

I close my eyes and squeeze them tight hoping she’d just disappear but knowing it’s never that simple.

“Sierra.” The word sound like a plea, which in a way it is. “We’ve been over this.” I keep the chastisement out of my voice as much as I can knowing she doesn’t do well with feeling like she’s being talked down to. “I don’t drink anymore and what we… did. Can’t happen again.” I can’t even put it into words.

“Made love, Kadin. We made love.” She says her voice growing louder, the agitation becoming apparent in her demeanor as she begins to pace the front porch.

“We didn’t,” I say softly. “We had drunken sex.”

“You love me!” She rants.

“Not in the way you want me to,” I admit not for the first time.

She stops pacing and glares at me. “You used me.”

I hang my head. “And I’m sorry.” There’s no sense in pointing out that she arranged each and every one of our encounters. I’m man enough to admit my wrongdoing; pointing hers out will serve no purpose, especially considering her level of agitation.

“You need to let her go,” she spits. “She doesn’t love you. She never did.”

“Savannah’s been gone for almost two years Sierra.” I can finally say it without it bringing me to my knees.

“I’m not talking about her. That bitch that was at your condo. She doesn’t want you!” She screams the last sentence, and I immediately wonder why she’s even bringing London up.

I stand quietly hoping my semi-calm demeanor rubs off on her; it doesn’t.

“She’s working across town and doesn’t give a shit about you!” My eyes widen.

“You know where London is?” I hate the maniacal look in her eyes, but I ignore it at the mention of London.

I grab her arms roughly. “Tell me where she is!” I demand.

She smiles in my face like the psychotic person I know she’s become. “She’s working as a secretary or some shit for Justin Bland. She’s moved on Kadin.” His voice grows calmer like I’ll accept her news and move on with her instead.

I release her arms and take a step back sure she’s just fucking with me like she’s become an expert doing the last two years. “How do you know that?”

“I saw her at a grocery store the other day, and I followed her home.” She shrugs like stalking and following people is completely normal.

I narrow my eyes and try to determine if she’s telling the truth. She’s so hard to read these days, but I won’t take a chance. I know exactly where Justin Bland’s office is. He’s worked a couple of contracts for mutual clients of ours.

“I’ve given you enough time to get over Savannah,” she says angrily. “I won’t allow another woman to come between us. I’ve waited almost twenty years for you already.”

Ignoring the craziness of her last words, I turn my back on her to enter the house to get my truck keys. It’s late, but I’ll wait outside in the parking lot until the sun comes up if I have to.

“If you go after her, Kadin,” Sierra vows. “I swear to Christ I’ll kill her too.”

I was so upset when I left Kadin’s condo that I didn’t even realize that I could track him down through his work, but by the time I realized that, the truth that he’d moved on, literally as well as figuratively, had already settled in my gut. I’ve been on my own five months now, and I’ve grown somewhat used to the situation. My heart still hurts, but the pain is not as acute as it was. I’ll wait until after the baby is born and then revisit telling him about it. For now I’m trying to focus only on myself and the life I’ll be responsible for soon.

Jillian and I have grown closer, and we spend almost all of our time off either shopping or just hanging out at each other’s houses. I get the feeling that something happened between her and Hawke, but she refuses to talk about it even though I spilled my guts to her a couple months ago. The vibe around the office has been off ever since we all met up at the club yet no one seems to be willing to talk about it.

“I don’t think being supportive of a friend is an indication that you want to have a baby, Jillian.” She’s once again barged into my office so I put her on the spot, asking her if she’d go to my next appointment with me. I’d love to have someone to talk to since the wait seems to take forever.

“People will think we’re lovers,” she says comically waggling her eyebrows. I sigh in frustration. “Fine, I’ll go and be the supportive best friend slash gay lover.”

I smile big at her dramatics. “Thank you for the sacrifice.”

“I won’t stay in the room while he checks your vagina.” She crosses her arms over her chest in resistance.

“It’s not that kind of appointment, Jillian.” I glance back at my computer. “Don’t you have work to do?”

She sighs suddenly, and I can tell she looks dejected. “Hawke has a visitor, so I decided to come visit you.” She looks at her nails.

It doesn’t go unnoticed that she said visitor and not client which hints at the person in his office is there for personal reasons and not work. “Want to talk about it?”
Maybe this is the time she actually opens up about it
.