Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (6 page)

• Someone who will be honest, even when knowing that
the slave's reaction might be negative.

• A person who can demonstrate his/her understanding
of the gift that is offered when total submission, obedience and service is given.

Here are some ideas about what a slave candidate might look
like to a Master. Again, this is just a starting point. You have to
make your own list.

• A person experienced in the Leather culture, who
understands the demands of a structured relationship.
Again, the fantasy of living 24/7 in a structured relationship is certainly going to differ from the fantasies
described in books such as, Sleeping The Beauty
trilogy (Anne Rice), or even the Marketplace series
(Laura Antoniou).

• A quick learner. Someone who is likely to be adaptable to new situations. Someone who can apply
knowledge to behavior. This describes a person in
control of him/herself - not a person over-controlled by
prior experiences. Let's face it; we all have baggage.
Some people hang on to their baggage more than others. It's important when exploring an M/s relationship
that the slave has the capacity to meld his/her world to
the likes/dislikes of Master independent of the slave's
own historical likes/dislikes. This takes flexibility.

• An adventuresome person who is committed to supporting you and your endeavors, regardless of where
they lead.

• A person of high moral/ethical behavior who is also a
clear communicator. This person must have the moral
courage to be able to point out to Master behaviors of
Master that concern the slave.

• Someone who has experience serving others and
who demonstrates empathy and nurturing skills.

• Someone who looks for the positives in every situation. This person can be described variously as "A
glass half-full person" or a "towards" person rather
than an "away-from" person. Let me explain this one.
In a general way, people tend either to reach towards
new experiences or to react by turning away from new
experiences. Some people embrace change, some
resist change. Often, you will find that an attorney
who is a litigator is a "towards" person, but a contracts
attorney is an "away-from" person. Similarly, accountants are often "away-from" people. In business,
"away-from" people are concerned about protecting
their client's interests or their own business position.
In business, "towards" people are often found to be
the visionary leaders. When you put two "away-from"
people together, they tend to avoid risk-taking and
- consequently - may not have many adventures.
When you put two "towards" people together, they may
engage in very exciting, but also very risky, behavior.
Which brings us to the next bullet:

• Someone with well-defined boundaries; someone
who is clear about establishing boundaries. Combining
this idea with the previous bullet, you can imagine two
visionaries who are always out seeking new sensations and experiences, yet, who do this carefully and
with appropriate discretion. Similarly, you can imagine
two visionaries with poor boundary-setting skills that
are so far out there that it makes others uncomfortable
to be around them.

• A person with wide-ranging skills in personal service, plus, what I call, courtesan skills. These are
skills of dressing well, music, dance, discourse, oral
recitation and conversation. Among the personal service skills, I would include high-level executive secretary skills, the ability to manage a small business, the
ability to represent Master in professional settings, and
so forth.

Have you ever considered what you simply WON'T accept in
a partner?

Topics in this arena are intended to be viewed in two ways:
first, as part of the screening process a Master or slave would
go through when considering a potential partner; and second, a
nudge to look at your OWN behavior - whether or not you are in
an established relationship.

You may find it useful to think through areas in which personal
behavior would actually affect your willingness (or another's willingness) to start or to maintain an M/s relationship. I will skip the
really obvious character flaw issues (dishonest, untrustworthy,
etc.) and touch only on a few of the more subtle topics.

• Personal habits: A bit too messy? Compulsively
clean? These are the little things that can wear on a
partner. For example, if you open a kitchen cabinet
and see things stuffed in there, do you care? What
about the orderliness of your closet - or your slave's
side of the closet? What about your underwear drawer
or your slave's bedside table?

Here's a practical example from my life with my own
slave. When one walks into our bedroom, the power
cords for electrical apparatus are visible under my
slave's bedside table. Their appearance is an issue for
me. In my home, all visible electrical cords are laced,
rather than piled in an unsightly tangle. I required my
slave to lace the cords. But, requiring this is a two edged sword - which is why I use this example. On
the one hand, I have standards of neatness that simply
will be adhered to. On the other hand, my slave has
to be willing to put up with my level of detail. In this
case, I felt that my slave had enough "getting to know
you" time during our first year together to figure out
whether or not it would be possible to alter and adapt
her lifetime of habits to my lifetime of habits. You, as
Master, will have to make similar decisions concerning
a wide array of your slave's behaviors. You have to
pick your fights.

• Personal presentation - grooming and dress: One
dresses (or, at least one should dress) in a manner
intended to attract someone who would dress similarly.
If you're looking for someone who likes to hang out
at shopping malls, then blue jeans are your ticket. If
you're looking for someone who likes to hang out at a
four-star hotel lobby, blue jeans are not your ticket. I
have a friend whose submissive will ONLY wear black
and will ONLY wear spike heels. Hard limits. Deal
breaker. One of the first things she negotiated with
him. Sound silly or inconsequential? That depends
upon your personal lifestyle. There are situations in
life where wearing 5-inch spiked heels and dressing
entirely in black makes you really, really stand out.
Think "wedding," or "seaside resort," or "summertime
in Glacier Park at the elegant lodge for dinner." Can
you live with this or something similar? I know a Dom
in our local BDSM community who insists that nobody
can tell him how to dress. I've seen him show up in
blue jeans at a rather formal dinner party. Everyone
else was in full fetish costuming. You can draw your
own conclusions.

• Correct use of English: In the same way that one
dresses in a manner to attract a partner with similar tastes, the way you speak telegraphs your background
- and that will be tied to a number of compatibility
issues. I started life as a high school English teacher.
When I hear someone using regional grammar ("I'd
like for you to go to the market, please."), I notice it.
If someone uses incorrect English ("Jim ain't got a
chance of making that shot."), I notice it. If someone
uses the wrong word ("Please keep me appraised of
the situation."), I notice it. And I will say, personally,
that imprecise English is on my list of "hard limits" for
a partner.

• Social manners/poise/personal mannerisms: Do
you notice if a person wipes his/her mouth with a linen
table napkin or pats his/her mouth? Do you care if
a person (of either gender) plops down in a chair or
couch, rather than lowering him/herself into place? Do
you notice whether women cross their ankles when
seated or cross their legs? Do you notice whether
a woman is wearing hose with her sandals? What
images are YOU projecting that would attract a person
with the type of social manners that you seek? And
before you jump in and say that this doesn't apply
to you, mentally transport yourself to some extreme
subculture - Borneo tribe, or inner-city ghetto, or elite
country club in Beverly Hills.

• Sexual aptitude, appetite, and preferences: Are
you a match or mismatch? In the early flush of a relationship, one is inclined to overlook some issues. "I
wish she dressed up a bit more," or "I wish he didn't
slurp his coffee," or "I wish she wouldn't drive so fast."
But, these can be handled through protocols within the
context of an M/s relationship. Not so for sex. If one
partner's idea of sex is five minutes of fucking and the
other person's is a two-hour sexual marathon, there's
bound to be a problem - and it may not be very resolv able. If one partner is extremely sexually experienced
and the other partner is not, there's bound to be a
problem - again, it may not be very resolvable, even
with communication and counseling.

The problem with resolving sexual compatibility issues is that
we're not taught much about how to coach people in this arena.
So, women fake orgasms and men resort to finding other ways
of feeling fulfilled. For those of us who live in the world of BDSM
play, issues of sexual compatibility become even more complicated. What if your slave needs to be spanked/caned/flogged
to get warmed up before serious rough sex that involves face
slapping, but your ideal evening consists of spending an hour
or so tying up your slave in an elaborate shibari rope harness
and then just sitting there watching him/her twist slowly from the
suspension rig?

And what is "sex" for you, anyway? I have a friend for whom
"sex" is fisting a woman without using lube. He loves to hear
her scream. It turns him on, and it is an important part of their
sexual dance; he claims that he prefers it to penile penetration.
If I hadn't watched it, I wouldn't have believed it. My point, here,
is that because we're kinky, we may have unusual sexual practices that require searching for that special someone, in order to
get our needs fulfilled. And because of this, you have to decide
whether your partner's "sexual preferences" fall into the "oh, I
don't think so" category, or - being ever creative - you want to
maintain the M/s relationship with this person, but bring in a third
for some of the special sexual stuff.

What will you pay - in time and money - to make your
relationship magical?

Okay, we've now explored questions about what you're looking
for - in lifestyle and in the person - so, now it's time to ask how
much are you willing to pay to get what you want? Don't for one
minute think I'm speaking solely of what it's going to cost you to get your partner to operate in the fashion YOU wish - that's only
half of it. It is very likely going to take time and money in order to
add to your own personal skills and those of your mate. It takes
a certain amount of anguish to move yourselves from being two
individuals to being a team. One model to consider, here, would
be Marine Boot Camp. Master may have to learn some serious
personnel management techniques, but the slave not only has to
master routine protocols (see either: Protocols: Handbook for the
female slave or Protocol Theory slave: Leather the for Handbook
and Practice by Robert J. Rubel, PhD), but also has to master
immediate and graceful obedience to Master's commands. As
we're not brought up in a culture where these behaviors are
expected (think Oriental), this may take some patience over
time.

Do you currently describe your life and your relationship(s) as
magical? If not, you probably have not taken some quiet time to
imagine a more romantic and exciting life. Chances are that you
feel at the effect of having to work and live in a city in America,
while being involved with your particular partner. What I mean by
at the effect is that you are not at the cause: you have adjusted
to the condition, rather than adjusting the condition to meet your
needs.

This last point brings us back to the imagination issue raised in
an earlier part of this book. You have to be able to conceive of
something - you have to be able to write it out as a goal - in
order to make it real. Many things first have to be thought out
before they can be converted to reality. Said differently, if you
don't hold the concept of something, it's hard to dream it up.
There are many common examples of this when it comes to foreign languages. Many languages have some words that don't
exist in other languages. Just to make the point, you've probably heard that some Eskimo languages have something like 60
terms describing various forms of snow and ice. In English, we
sort-of have "slush, wet snow, snow, dry powder and ice." Those are about all we need in an industrialized nation. But, we'd be
in trouble trying to understand an Eskimo's concern about the
impending weather based on a discussion of the snow/ice conditions.

Similar blind spots creep into relationships. If you can't imagine
a different set of conditions, then you can't work toward them. In
my personal life, I have many times joined some group simply
because it was against my nature to join such a group. I was in
Rotary International for many years for that reason. I joined a
square dance club - and lasted five years - for that reason. I will
sometimes explore a new relationship with someone who does
NOT fit my personal sense of a "good fit" for that reason.

So, my message is: work to stretch your experiences so that you
can grow your imagination; the richer your imagination, the richer
your life.

The danger lies in imprisoning ourselves within our definitions of experience.

David Boorstein, Librarian of Congress

I used the training contract time with my slave to consider one
single question: does this person have the raw potential to
become my model slave? My rather coarse expression for this
- coined by my close friend Ruby Yaryan many years ago - is:
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, unless you start
with a silk sow.

For me, the issues were these:

• Is the slave smart enough?

• Is the slave willing? (Hello, Master Steve Sampson)