More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (2 page)

 

CUSTOMER
(picking up a copy of
Little Women
)
: Is this a book about really short people?

 

CUSTOMER
(pondering)
: How much would a signed copy of the Bible be worth?

BOOKSELLER:
Signed by whom?

CUSTOMER:
Well ... I don’t know. Not God, obviously.
(Nervous laugh.)
That would be silly ... wouldn’t it?

 

CUSTOMER:
I’d like to return this
Where’s Wally?
book, please.

BOOKSELLER:
Why?

CUSTOMER:
Because I’ve found him.

 

CUSTOMER:
Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?

BOOKSELLER:
...

CUSTOMER:
Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.

 

CUSTOMER:
Do you make wanted posters for books?

BOOKSELLER:
... How do you mean?

CUSTOMER:
I mean, can I bring you a list of books that I’m looking for, and then you could make them into wanted posters and put them up around the bookshop, in case other customers know where I could find them?

BOOKSELLER:
Erm, I have a ‘Wants’ book that I can put your list of books in, and then I can let you know if we get those books in stock? Or I can try and track the books down for you myself, by calling other antiquarian booksellers?

CUSTOMER:
No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.

BOOKSELLER:
... OK.

 

(Customer tries to walk out of the bookshop with a book that he hasn’t paid for)

BOOKSELLER:
Excuse me, you haven’t paid for that book.

CUSTOMER:
Yeah, I know. Don’t worry; I’ll bring it back tomorrow!

 

CUSTOMER
(buying
Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body
, whispers seriously)
: There are actually fourteen, you know.

 

CUSTOMER:
You’ve got a lot of books in here.

BOOKSELLER:
Yep.

CUSTOMER:
Do you ever just, like, sit here and count them?

BOOKSELLER:
No, not really.

CUSTOMER:
How long do you think it would take to count them all?

BOOKSELLER:
A long time; we’ve got thousands and thousands of books.

CUSTOMER:
How many exactly?

BOOKSELLER:
... I don’t know. I haven’t counted.

 

CUSTOMER:
The Very Hungry Caterpillar was bulimic, right?

 

LITTLE GIRL
(pointing at
Dr. Seuss
books)
: I made a hat for my cat, but he won’t wear it. That book is full of lies.

 

CUSTOMER:
Where would I find a book about William Shakespeare?

BOOKSELLER:
We’ve probably got one in our biography section. I’ll have a look for you.

CUSTOMER:
Wouldn’t it be in fiction? I mean, he wasn’t a real person or anything, right?

Other books

Sacrifice In Stone by Mason, Patricia
Untitled by Unknown Author
The Fourth Rome by David Drake, Janet Morris
The 13th Target by Mark de Castrique
Praxis by Fay Weldon
The Loner: Dead Man’s Gold by Johnstone, J.A.
The Unwilling Bride by Jennifer Greene