Read Mr. Macky Is Wacky! Online

Authors: Dan Gutman

Mr. Macky Is Wacky! (2 page)

3
If You Read This, You'll Go Blind

Mr. Macky was reading that soup can he brought into our class.

“I love to read,” said Mr. Macky. “Don't you?”

“Yeah!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

Mr. Macky is always trying to get us to
read. What is his problem? Doesn't he know that reading is a big bore? Why are you even reading this book? If I were you, I'd be doing something worthwhile, like watching a big-screen TV. The only books worth reading are Dr. Seuss books. He was cool.

My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you read too much, you'll go blind. Homework involves a lot of reading. So, just to be on the safe side, I'm going to stop doing my homework so I won't go blind.

“Mr. Macky, why do you have a can of chicken noodle soup?” asked Michael.

“I was reading the label,” he said.

“Reading can take you on a journey.”

“So can watching TV,” I said.

“Yes, but you can learn so much more by reading,” said Mr. Macky, “because you can use your imagination. I'll read anything.”

“But what can you learn from a soup can?” asked Ryan.

“I learned that chickens have noodles,” said Mr. Macky.

“Chickens have fingers, too,” said Michael. “My mom gives me chicken fingers for lunch all the time.”

“Chickens have nuggets, too,” I added.

“They do not,” said Andrea.

“Do too,” I told her.

“Do not.”

We went back and forth like that for a while.

“Let's discuss chickens some other time,” said Miss Daisy. “I think Mr. Macky
is here to talk about Presidents' Day.”

“Right you are,” said Mr. Macky. “I had an idea to promote reading at Ella Mentry School. In celebration of Presidents' Day, we're going to read all about the presidents. We're going to learn a lot. Each of you is going to give an oral report
*
on a president. You'll even get to dress up as your president. The whole school will be involved. Doesn't that sound like fun?”

“Yeah!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

Why is it that girls always want to read books, learn stuff, give reports, and play dress-up? What is their problem? Girls are weird.

How come we never celebrate anything by sitting around and watching big-screen TVs?

“I think it's a
great
idea,” said Miss Daisy (a girl, of course). “I don't know anything about the presidents.”

Of course not. Miss Daisy doesn't know anything about
anything
. I can't believe she got a job as a teacher.

“I think it's a great idea too,” said Andrea, the big brownnoser. “When did you get this great idea, Mr. Macky?”

“Four score and seven years ago,” he replied.

“I can't wait to get started on my oral report!” Andrea said, all excited. “I'm going to work really hard and do the best job I can.”

“Can you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.

“I have to go now,” Mr. Macky said, “because I have a lot of things to read. I have to read the newspaper. Then I have to read the back of the cereal box. Then I have to read the graffiti in the bathroom. Then I have to read the phone book.”

That guy sure loves reading. He's weird.

4
Abraham Lincoln's Face

“Who can tell us something about the
real
Abraham Lincoln?” Miss Daisy asked after Mr. Macky left with his hat and beard.


Lincoln
rhymes with
stinkin'
,” I said.

“True….”

“Abraham Lincoln's face is on the penny,” said Andrea.

“That's right!” said Miss Daisy. Andrea looked all proud of herself. I hate her.

“He should take that penny off his face,” I said. “No,” Andrea said, “I mean his face is
on
the penny.”

“How did he hold the penny on his face?” Ryan asked. “With glue?”

“That's disgusting,” said Michael. “I wouldn't put glue on
my
face.”

“He was probably trying to cover up his pimples,” I told them. “When my big sister has pimples, she won't even go outside.”

“Enough chitchat,” said Miss Daisy, clapping her hands again. “Let's look at our crazy pets now.”

I still say Abraham Lincoln was weird to put pennies on his face.

We took some of the animals out of their cages and looked at them. Ryan told us about his hermit crab. Hermit crabs are really boring. They don't do
anything
! You can hardly even tell when they die, because they do the same stuff
dead that they did when they were alive. Nothing! Hermit crabs are weird.

Annette told us about her bird. It was boring too, because it didn't talk or anything. The only cool birds are the ones that talk.

Neil the nude kid told us about his ferret. He said ferrets have really bad eyesight and they poop when they get excited. We all said we'd try not to get Mr. Wiggles excited. Everybody thought he was cool, even if he looked sort of disgusting.

Emily said she's allergic to the ferret's fur. It makes her cough and rub her eyes.

“Ferrets are gross, anyway,” she said.
“Mr. Wiggles looks like a long rat.”

I was going to say, “So does your face,” but Emily would probably run out of the room crying again. Then I'd have to go to the principal's office. Besides, she was right. Mr. Wiggles
did
look like a long rat. But if you ask me, ferrets are cool. Not as cool as penguins, but they're still cool.

5
George Washington's Face

We were having fun learning about our crazy pets. But guess who suddenly walked into the door?

Nobody! Because if you walked into a door, you would hurt your head. But guess who walked into the class?

It was some funny-looking guy all dressed up in a fancy army uniform. He
had a white wig on his head and a sword in his hand.

“It's George Washington!” said Miss Daisy, all excited. She stood up and gave him a salute.

We all knew it wasn't George Washington. It was just Mrs. Roopy, our librarian. She is always pretending to be somebody else. One time she pretended to be Johnny Appleseed, and she walked around all day with a pot on her head. I still don't understand why you have to wear a pot on your head to plant apples.

Mrs. Roopy is loopy.

“You're not George Washington!” we all shouted. “You're Mrs. Roopy, the librarian!”

“You must be mistaken,” Mrs. Roopy said in a fake low voice. “I was the first president of the United States. I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down a cherry tree. I have wooden teeth. See?”

Mrs. Roopy took out her teeth. It was disgusting. I was glad when she put those gross teeth back in her mouth.

“I came to tell everyone that when you come to the library, you'll find lots of books
about me and the other presidents, too,” said Mrs. Roopy. “They'll help you prepare for your Presidents' Day oral reports. I wish I could hang around and tell you more, but I must go to fight the British.”

She ran out of the room.

“That was totally Mrs. Roopy,” said Ryan.

After Mrs. Roopy left, Miss Daisy asked, “Who can tell us something about the
real
George Washington?”

“His face is on the dollar bill,” said little Miss See-How-Smart-I-Am Andrea.

“That's right!” said Miss Daisy. Andrea looked all proud of herself.

“He should take that dollar bill off his face,” I said.

“No, I mean his face is
on
the dollar bill.”

I knew perfectly well what Andrea meant. I was just yanking her chain.

“How could George Washington fight the British with that dollar bill on his face?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Michael said. “Why didn't he just carry the dollar bill in his wallet like a normal person?”

“Enough chitchat. It's time for reading,” Miss Daisy told us. “Let's read a book by my favorite author, Dr. Seuss.”

She read us a story called
Yertle the Turtle
. It was pretty cool.

But I still say George Washington was weird.

6
It's Hard to Be the President

The next day Mr. Macky popped his head in our class right after the morning announcements.

“Are you all getting excited about Presidents' Day?” he asked.

“Yeah!” said all the girls.

“No!” said all the boys.

“I have a question for you,” Mr. Macky said. “What color is the White House?”

Everybody waved their hands around in the air. Even the dumbest dumbbell in the world knows the White House is white. That's why they call it the White House.
Duh!

But Mr. Macky didn't call on any of us. Instead, he called on Miss Daisy, who was waving her hand just like she was a kid.

“The White House is blue, right?” said Miss Daisy.

I slapped my head. She doesn't know
anything
!

“The White House is
white
!” we all shouted.

“Oh,” said Miss Daisy. “I thought it was a trick question.”

Miss Daisy is crazy. She is the dumbest teacher in the history of the world.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mr. Macky?” asked Miss Daisy. (That's grown-up talk for “What are
you
doing here?”)

“I thought I would tell the students a little bit about the presidents,” said Mr. Macky. “It might help them decide which president to choose for their oral reports.”

“Excellent idea!” Miss Daisy said as Mr. Macky went running out of the room.

“Where did he go?” asked Ryan.

“Who knows?” I said. “He's weird.”

Mr. Macky came right back in, but this time he was walking on his knees. And he had his shoes over his knees, so it looked like he was really tiny.

“I'm James Madison,”

Mr. Macky said. “I am the 4th president—and the shortest. I'm about five feet four inches tall and I only weigh one hundred pounds.”

“What a shrimp!” Ryan said.

Mr. Macky excused himself and ran out of the room again. Then he came back
with a cigar in each hand, a cigar in his mouth, and two cigars sticking out of his ears.

“Who are you now?” asked Andrea.

“I am Ulysses S. Grant,” Mr. Macky said. “The 18th president. I smoke twenty cigars a day.”

“That's disgusting!” said Michael.

Mr. Macky ran out of the room again. He must have stuffed a bunch of pillows under his shirt, because when he came back in, he was really fat. Nobody can gain weight that fast.

“Who are you now?” asked Emily.

“I'm William Howard Taft,” he said, “the 27th president. I weigh more than three hundred pounds. I had a special bathtub
built for me in the White House.”

“You should go on Weight Watchers,” I said. “My mom lost twenty pounds that way.”

Mr. Macky ran out of the room again. When he came back this time, he was wearing a dress!

“Who are you
now
?” asked Ryan.

“I'm Franklin D. Roosevelt,” he said, “the 32nd president. My mother made me wear a dress until I was five years old.”

“Your mother was weird,” I said.

Mr. Macky ran out of the room
again
. When he came back, he wasn't wearing any clothes at all. He just had a towel wrapped around him!

“Who are you
now
?” asked Michael.

“I'm John Quincy Adams. The 6th president. I like to go skinny-dipping in the Potomac River near the White House.”

“You're
really
weird!” I said.

Mr. Macky kept running in and out of the room over and over again. Each time he came back, he was dressed up like a different president—Jefferson, Reagan, Kennedy, Jackson. It went on and on and on.

We learned a lot of important stuff about
the presidents, like which one grew the first tomatoes in America (Jefferson) and which one was a member of the Beatles (Harrison). Most of them were weird.

Did you know that Andrew Johnson, the 17th president, never went to school? It's true! He didn't even learn to read until he was seventeen years old. See? That just proves that any dumbhead can grow up to be president.

Finally Mr. Macky stopped running in and out of the room. He was panting and gasping for breath.

“Being president is a
very
hard job,” he said.

“Who is your favorite president, Mr. Macky?” asked Andrea, who never misses
the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

“Hmm,” said Mr. Macky, rubbing his chin where his fake beard used to be. “That's a hard one. I think my favorite is Millard Fillmore. He was the 13th president.

MILLARD FILLMORE???

Can you believe that? The guy's name was really
Millard Fillmore
! He must have been a great man. Anyone who could become president even though his name was Millard Fillmore
must
have been a great man. I know that if
my
name was Millard, kids would make fun of me all day long. I'd have to move to Antarctica.

“You know what I like best about
Millard Fillmore?” Mr. Macky asked us. “His name!”

Then he started writing on the blackboard:

Millard Fillmore

Fillard Millmore

Moremill Fillard

Lardfill Moremill

Millfill Morelard

Lardmore Fillmill

He went on and on like that until it was time for lunch.

Mr. Macky is wacky!

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