Music of the Soul (9 page)

thanked God, and all my lucky stars, that Abby was mine.

Curly wisps of smoke billowed into the night’s sky from the enormous bonfire on the beach. As the

heat from the crackling flames warmed me from head to toe, I snuggled my naked body closer to

Jake’s side. The moment felt so good that I couldn’t help sighing with absolute contentment. “This is

wonderful, isn’t it?”

“Oh yeah. It would feel just like we were home if it weren’t for the sand in my ass crack.”

I giggled as I raised my head to look into his eyes that were twinkling with amusement. “It was

your idea to have sex all over this beach, remember?”

“Oh yes, I remember every fuckable detail,” he replied, before nipping my lips.

True to his word, Jake had taken me in almost every position possible out on the beach. After

breakfast, a quick dip in the ocean had led to an almost exact recreation of the beach scene in From

Here to Eternity. We made it a little further onto the shore before the palms of my hands got extremely

exfoliated after he’d pushed me onto my knees and had taken me doggy style. I never knew there could

be such a thing as sand burn, but I had red, almost raw places on my elbows and knees.

Around six, the catamaran had arrived with dinner. We ate outside on the porch and watched the

gorgeous sunset. To walk off the enormous amount of food we had consumed, we took a stroll on the

beach that led to another roll in the sand. Once we recovered, Jake had lit the bonfire before grabbing

a blanket and wrapping me in his arms. The conversation flowed easily between us as we rehashed

all that had happened at the wedding and reception.

“Jude and Melody did so well, didn’t they?” I asked.

Jake nodded. “They sure did. I think they’ll have their duties down to an art by the time AJ and

Mia’s wedding rolls around.”

“Probably so. Of course, Mia wants Bella to have a part, too.” I smiled up at him. “Didn’t Bella

look adorable yesterday? I loved when you danced with her and Melody together. So sweet.”

Jake remained uncharacteristically quiet. “You and Bella together are trouble.”

My brows furrowed at his comment. “What do you mean?”

“It was the way you looked at her while you held her.”

“And just how did I look at her?”

“Like you were dreaming she was yours.”

“I did not!” I protested, as embarrassed heat enflamed my cheeks.

“Yeah, you did.”

I stared up at the sky encrusted with glittering stars. There was some truth in what Jake said. As

Bella snuggled into my chest, emitting a tiny little sigh, I did imagine what it would be like to have a

baby—Jake’s baby—sleeping in my arms. “I was just holding her for Mia and AJ to dance,” I said

softly.

“But you did wish she was yours,” Jake insisted.

“Ours,” I corrected him. I heaved a frustrated sigh. “She’s my goddaughter—I’m always going to

feel a close connection to her. But I know she has two amazing parents who love her. And yeah, I was

thinking about babies and children when I held her. Mainly, it was the overwhelming emotion of just

how much I want a baby of our own—not just mine, but yours.” I cut my eyes over to his. “I don’t

have to dream or fantasize about what will really happen in the future, do I?”

Jake jerked a hand through his hair. “I’ve been worried when you became Mrs. Jake Slater, your

desire for kids would go into overdrive, and now I see I was right.”

“Is wanting a baby such a bad thing?”

“When it’s going to be five years before we have one, then yeah, it is bad for you to get so

attached to the idea.”

My brows shot up in surprise. “Now it’s five years? I thought it was two US tours and one

world?”

Jake shrugged. “It’s just a good number.”

Peering into his face, I asked, “Why are you really afraid of having kids?”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

Jake’s jaw clenched and unclenched before he spoke. “Look, I’ll openly admit I’m a selfish son

of a bitch about having kids right now, but I’m not afraid. You’re only twenty-three, Abby. You have

the rest of your life to be tied down with a kid.”

My mouth gaped open at his words. “Tied down? Is that what you think of Mia or Lily? Are they

bound by their kids?”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what do you mean?”

With a grimace, Jake said, “Kids change everything, okay? We’ve only had two years together. I

want a few more before we bring kids into the picture.”

“Is your aversion to fatherhood because of your dad?”

Jake’s expression darkened. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

I opened my mouth and then closed it shut. I didn’t think I was ready to test out my theory on

Jake, especially now that he was pissed off. “Abby?” he prompted.

Drawing in a ragged breath, I exhaled it before I responded. “I think you’re afraid that when you

have the pressures of a wife and kids, you’ll become your father and stray.” Feeling more courageous,

I continued on. “Somehow, you think if we don’t have kids for a long time, you can prolong what you

feel is the inevitable—that you will cheat on me and lose me.”

His mouth fell open my summation, and I knew then that I had hit the nail on the head. “You’re

not your father, Jake,” I said in a whisper.

“I know that,” he snapped.

“Then don’t be afraid of making his mistakes.”

He threw up his hands in frustration. “This is bullshit.”

Staring down at the checked blanket, I said in a low voice, “By the way you’re reacting, I think

you and I both know it’s true. But regardless of all the shit with your dad, you have to know that your

mother never, ever felt tied down by you. She was grateful for every moment she had with you.”

“Do not bring my mother into this conversation,” he growled.

“I’m sorry.”

“You know what really worries me? That you’ll decide when it’s time for us to have kids,

whether I’m ready or not.”

“And how exactly would I do that?”

His blue eyes flashed. “By suddenly forgetting to take your birth control.”

I gasped. “You think I would actually go so far as to go behind your back to conceive a child?”

“If I kept denying you, then yes, I do think you would do that.”

“Y-You’re…an asshole!” I shouted before I clambered to my feet. Wrapping my arms around my

naked chest, I stalked away from the bonfire toward the house. Halfway across the sand, the anger

began to fade, and hot tears streamed down my cheeks. Craning my neck over my shoulder, I hoped

that Jake was coming after to me to apologize or talk things out. Unfortunately, he remained at the fire

pit.

I couldn’t believe the things he had said—the way he felt about me somehow deceiving him and

getting pregnant. It wounded me deep to my core that he would ever think I could do such a thing. Our

relationship had always been built on trust, and now he was making me question that. There was also

the fact that he had confirmed my fears about him being like his father and cheating. Deep down, I

never could believe he would ever do such a thing, but now the doubt was planted in my mind, and it

caused my chest to ache.

When I got inside the house, I was mentally and physically exhausted. But just the thought of

getting into the bed where we’d consummated our marriage and made love the night before was too

painful. Instead, I threw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt before collapsing onto the couch. I wrapped

myself in a cocoon of blankets. It didn’t take long for the tears to come again. Never did I think I

would spend one night of my honeymoon crying myself to sleep, but it looked like that was going to

happen tonight. I brought my hands to my face and started sobbing uncontrollably.

I don’t know how long I spent sitting out beside the bonfire. I was too raw from my fight with Abby to

go after her right away. I knew I needed to apologize. The hard part was that both of us had spoken

the truth. Abby had all too easily guessed my issues with fatherhood, and I had let my worst fears

about her slip out. In the two years we’d been together, we’d rarely fought over anything of real

importance. I’m not saying I didn’t treat her like a callous dickhead several times when we first

started dating, but everything else had always clicked into place so easily for us. Now we were

twenty-four hours into our marriage and had just experienced our first major fight. And it was a real

doozy.

Some newlyweds fought about paint colors and finances. Abby and I had to go straight for the

jugular and fight about our future family. With a ragged sigh, I rubbed my eyes that were stinging from

the bonfire’s smoke. At least I thought it was the smoke. Maybe I was being a real pussy and crying

over our fight.

The truth was I didn’t hate the idea of having kids someday—just not anytime soon. I loved Jude

and Melody, and now Bella had me wrapped around her little finger. But at the end of playtime or

hanging out with them, they went home with their parents. They weren’t my sole responsibility.

Babies and kids took a lot of work, time, and energy that I wasn’t ready to give yet. Of course, I

wanted to get Abby pregnant someday. She was going to make the most amazing mother in the entire

world. But I didn’t know why she had to have such baby fever now when she was only twenty-three.

She was acting like she was thirty-five, and her biological clock was ticking. We shared so many of

the same likes, dreams, and passions that it was hard imagining we were so far off the mark with the

baby thing.

After extinguishing the fire, I dejectedly made my way to the house. I didn’t know what I was

going to say to Abby. I tried going over it in my mind as I trudged through the cool sand. Somehow I

knew I needed to lead off with Yes, I’m a giant, unfeeling bastard…and then follow up with Please,

please forgive me. At the same time, I knew I had to somehow make it clear that although I was sorry

for what I said, I wasn’t changing my mind about when we were going to start a family.

The house was dark when I got inside. I started for the bedroom when I heard a sniffle from the

living room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw a heap of blankets on the couch. Somewhere

underneath it was Abby. And she was crying.

Damn, I was a bastard.

With an exasperated sigh, I threw my head back and gazed up at the ceiling. This is so not how I

envisioned this night to be. “Abby, you don’t need to sleep on the couch. If anyone should, it’s me.”

“I’m fine,” she sniffed.