“Oooooh, Mommy and Daddy kissin',” my four-year-old daughter Jaden said, covering her mouth in a cute giggle. Jalil, her fraternal twin brother, just giggled and continued to eat his French toast sticks.
“That's because Mommy and Daddy love each other, ain't that right, honey?” James asked after giving Jaden a kiss on the cheek and Jalil a pound. We were like the Cleavers in there that morning.
“Yep,” I replied nonchalantly. I was itching to call Monica and was trying to hurry them out of the house.
“Daddy, can you take us to school?” our son asked as he crammed eggs into his mouth. I was just about to ask James that very question, but it sounded a lot better coming from Jalil.
“Sure, buddy. I'll drop you off,” James said as he stood up to gather his belongings. “Last one to the car is a rotten egg.”
Both of our kids jumped up, neglecting the rest of their breakfast, and ran to their rooms to get their jackets and back packs. While they were upstairs, James stooped down beside me. He just kind of looked into my eyes like he was trying to read my thoughts. I looked back, not wanting to seem like I was nervous about anything. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead kissed me softly on my lips. I was just about to slip him some tongue when the kids came back into the kitchen.
“They kissin' again,” Jaden tried to whisper to Jalil as they walked around the table to the door. James smiled at me and pecked me on my lips one final time before standing.
“Give Mommy a hug so we can go,” James instructed our children as he took one last piece of bacon off the table. They both hugged me around the neck and kissed my cheeks. I kissed and hugged them back, and I could hear Jalil tell Jaden that you got cooties from kissing as they walked out of the door. James was going to have a time with them this morning.
Before leaving out for work, I decided to go ahead and call Monica up so she could say what she had to say and get it over with. I tried to prepare myself for the tears I knew would come, but her tears made me weak. I couldn't think straight and hold a level head when she was hurting. Although I came at her strong, it tore me up on the inside to see her like that. I was determined not to fall for her, and it took everything in me to hold it down. I had two kids to think about, and my career was not to be messed with. James was also the love of my life, and I married him for better or worse. Something like that could snatch everything away from me, and that wasn't happening.
I had an hour and ten minutes before I had to be at work, so I decided to call Monica and get it over with. I knew I would need at least a half hour to deal with her. I got comfortable on the loveseat before I made my call, and decided that I would just get right to the point and let her know we couldn't see each other anymore. I reasoned that she had to be tired of me canceling on her all the time, and I was tired of the entire scenario anyway. I couldn't swing two lovers, and I knew my best bet was to stay with my husband.
When I called her, she picked up on the first ring. I didn't have time to practice what I was going to say, and she caught me off guard a little.
She didn't sound too upset, and that had me shook. If anything, she sounded too damn cheerful.
“Hey, Monica, it's me,” I breathed into the phone. I was hoping to make a clean break, and didn't want her to start getting all hysterical on me.
“Hey, Jazz, what's good? What can I do for you?” I had to look at the phone for a minute to make sure I was talking to the right person. This didn't sound like the Monica I knew.
“Well, about yesterday . . .”
“Don't sweat it; it's cool,” she just cut me off on some real nonchalant shit. I didn't know whether to be happy she was chillin' or ask her what the hell was going on.
“Okay, well, if you want I can make it up to you tonight.”
“It's cool, no worries,” she just kind of mumbled into the phone. Something was definitely up. I figured I might as well break the news to her so that we could be done with it. She didn't seem interested anymore anyway.
“I get off work at five tonight. Can we talk then?
“Actually, I was just about to call you to give you your dismissal papers.”
“Excuse me?”
I know this chick isn't dissin' me.
I was starting to get an attitude.
“I've decided I'm done with this situation. After yesterday I realized it just wasn't worth it. So, you're dismissed.” And she was serious.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked in disbelief. I knew this is what I wanted, but I didn't think it would go down like that.
“No, and actually I have to tend to my company, so I'll see you around. Don't worry about calling me back. After today this number won't work.” Then she just hung up.
I must have sat on the couch looking stupid for like ten minutes. I knew I wasn't just handed my walking papers by needy-ass Monica! Then she had the nerve to get ignorant with the shit. I called back to give her a few choice words, but when her phone rang the operator informed me she had blocked my number. I tried calling from my cell phone, and that was blocked too. I had a numb feeling all over my body that I couldn't quite shake as I readied myself to leave for work. In a sense I was glad it was all over, but I was a tad bit salty because I didn't think it would end like that.
Camera Shy
It's been one hell of a day. My morning started off all wrong, and it's been going downhill ever since. James woke up with a pissy attitude, and has been for the last four months. It's almost like him and Monica had the same shit for breakfast, because about three weeks after me and her parted, his attitude went from sugar to shit. Every time I asked him what was up, he gave me short, one-word answers and some bull about being stressed out at the news station. I tried to be peaceful, but I didn't feel like the aggravation, so I just stayed away from him.
What pissed me off the most was I would still try to be courteous and make him breakfast when I fixed the kids and me some, but he would walk in the kitchen, kiss the kids good bye, and leave like I didn't even exist. I asked him on a couple of occasions what the hell his problem was, and he would just act like he didn't hear me say a word to him. So I just said “fuck it,” and let it be.
I started to sleep in the guest room, but since me sleeping next to him made him miserable, I made sure to lay my head there every night and stayed with my ass on his side of the bed for good measure. I would throw my legs over his and elbow him in his ribs just to be smart, knowing damn well I was nowhere near sleep and it just pissed him off. When he would finally get out of the bed to go to the bathroom or something, I would stretch out in the middle so he would only have the edge to sleep on when he got back.
Instead of his stubborn ass asking me to move over, he would ball up on the very edge so he wouldn't have to touch me, and I would move closer to him so he had no choice. After a while he would get so frustrated that he would either lay on the floor beside the bed or go into the den and rest because he claimed it was too cold in the guest room. Who cared? If I had it my way I would pack the hell up and be over there with Monica in a heartbeat, but this wasn't television, so it wouldn't go as smoothly as that. I didn't want to, but every so often I would find myself thinking about Monica.
One day I wasn't even paying attention and was just driving home. Well, I thought I was driving home, but when I looked up I was sitting in front of Monica's house. Since she played me, I decided I wasn't going to deal with her anymore, but deep down I really did care about her. I just couldn't leave my family out of nowhere, and I don't think she understood that.
I started to just pull off when I noticed her porch light come on. I didn't want her to think I was a Peeping Tom or anything like that, so I started to put my Blazer in drive. For some reason my foot wouldn't step on the gas. I tried to be out, but my body wouldn't let me go. Before I knew it, she was down her steps and looking through the passenger side window.
I rolled down the window and looked at her.
She's even prettier than I remember,
I thought, and all of the good times we had flooded my mind. We looked at each other for what felt like an eternity before I got out of the jeep and walked around to where she was. Without any hesitation we stepped into each other's arms, and my tears flowed instantly. I cried because things were a mess at home and I felt powerless in trying to fix it. My heart hurt because I hurt her, and to my surprise I wasn't ashamed to admit that I was in love with her. I had been for some time, but I still couldn't say it.
“Let's go in the house and talk for a while,” she offered as we stepped back from each other.
“Sure, let's do that,” I responded through watery eyes and a weak smile. I didn't even realize I cared this much about her until we came face to face, and I hoped we could come to some kind of understanding before the night was over.
Her home was still beautiful, and I felt at peace when I sat down in her living room. Just like old times, she sat at the other end and gave me a foot massage while we talked. I didn't want to end up with her head between my legs, so I kept my thighs tight so that she wouldn't get any ideas. I was trying to clear my heart of some pain, and I really needed her to listen.
“So, do you think he's cheating on you?” Monica inquired while she worked her magic on my calves. Who knew someone with such soft hands could get a firm grip the way she does? I felt like putty in her hands, literally.
“I never even thought about it. Out of nowhere he started acting all crazy like the mere sight of me was killing him. A few times he was back to his usual five minutes, but it was only in the morning. Then when it got to be every time we had sex I asked him what the deal was.”
“And what did he say?” she asked, sounding concerned. Meanwhile, her massage had found its way halfway up my thighs, and her fingers were damn near dipping inside me.
“He didn't say anything. He just gave me a dirty look and walked out of the room.”
“Hmm, I don't know what to say about that. You know I would never do you that way.”
“Is that so?” I asked just to be smart. I was trying not to go there, but she pushed me into it.
“Basically . . . My love for you is unconditional. I just wish I could get the same in return.”
“If it's like that, why did you brush me off the way you did?” That was the million-dollar question I'd wanted to know the answer to for months.
“At that point I was just tired,” she responded with a sad look on her face. I waited for her to continue, but she just went on with her massage.
“Okay, do you care to elaborate?”
“Well, even though I knew you had a family already, I still hoped that it could just be you and me exclusively. I know James is wonderful in the bedroom, but I pay more attention to your needs than he does. You never have to worry when it comes to me and satisfaction.” She had a point there.
“Monica, I know all that, and that's why I love you. I just need you to understand that. What's wrong?”
Tears were threatening to fall from Monica's pretty eyes, and I had no idea as to why.
“You said you love me. Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to say that? I didn't think it would ever happen.”
“Monica, I love you. I just need you to understand that I have a husband and kids at home. I just can't up and roll out like that. It's not just my life at stake here.”
“Jazz, I know that. All I'm asking is that we get to see each other more often. James wouldn't know. He would think we're just hanging out. I just need you to be around.”
“Monica, I wish it was that easy.”
I didn't want to love her, but I did. Now I was all confused and I didn't know what move to make next. Who thought that me, Jasmine Cinque, would ever love someone of the same sex?
“It can be if you would just try it. The least you can do is think about it. That's all I'm asking you to do.”
“Look, I'll think about it, but you have to promise to give me time to do just that. Give me room to make decisions, and don't crowd me like you usually do. All that does is push me away.”
“I can do that. Just keep loving me.”
“I will.”
She kissed me softly on the lips while her hands explored the rest of my body. I was dripping wet by the time her fingers made contact with my clit, and I wanted more. Usually she did me first, but tonight I felt like getting into trouble. I pulled her thong to the side, and motioned for her to lie back on the couch. She put one leg over the back of the couch, and the other on the floor as I made myself comfortable between her legs.
I inserted two fingers into her and sucked on her clit softly the way she liked it. She grinded her opening into my face, and her body shook as she released herself on my tongue. That was amazing because I hadn't been down there that long. She was moaning like crazy, and just to make it up to her for being nasty toward her, I pushed her legs up so that they were touching her chest and dipped my tongue into her asshole until she exploded again. She had to practically beg me to stop, and I did after she had her fifth orgasm.
Monica got up off the couch on wobbly legs and asked me to follow her upstairs. I thought we were going into the bedroom, but she walked passed that door and went into the one at the end of the hallway. When she opened the door and flicked the switch, the room seemed to glow from my viewpoint. Upon entrance I saw that she had several cameras set up ready to take pictures. The room was all white, with a few photos here and there.
“Take off your clothes, and lay right there,” she said pointing to a large area rug in the center of the room.
“Monica, I am not in the mood for taking pictures,” I said, a little irritated. Shit, I was ready for back-to-back orgasms. We could play “photographer” another day.
“Just a couple, I promise. These are for my private collection so I can look at you when you're not here.”
“Let me end up on the Internet, and see what happens,” I said to her as I disrobed and made myself comfortable on the floor.
“Panties too,” she said, pointing at my thong.
“I thought I could get away with that,” I smiled sheepishly as I took them off and tossed them where my clothes were laying.
“Now, I want you to relax. Look seductive, as if I'm tasting you right now. Play with yourself and cum for the camera. The flash is off so it won't distract you. Just act like I'm not even here.”
I started out leaning up on my elbow and stroking my clit. I held my lips open with my thumb and middle finger while my forefinger dipped into my cave and teased my clit. My eyes were closed. My head rolled back. Thoughts of James kept trying to surface, but I blocked them out and pretended my finger was Monica's tongue.
In the background I could hear Monica make comments on how I was doing, and she got so close a few times I thought she took a picture of my uterus or something. I could feel the camera lens press against me. I spotted a bowl of wax fruit and vegetables on a table in the corner, and walked over to see what I could use. Selecting and oversized cucumber, I stretched back out and continued my journey. Using the cucumber made for some very interesting pictures.
“Let's take this to the shower.”
I got up without saying a word and followed her to her bedroom. She was still snapping pictures as I bent over to turn the shower on and then fixed my hair in a bun so it wouldn't get wet. After adjusting the water temperature, I stepped under the steady stream and began to seductively lather my body with the loofah that was resting on the side. I sucked on my own nipples, moaning in the process. She was moaning too, but she never put the camera down.
After a few more shots she joined me and we devoured each other until the water got cold. Monica dried me off and laid me on the bed, and I fell asleep instantly when my head touched the pillow. I only planned to sleep for a little while, then I would go home. I knew taking the photos was a bad idea, but I wanted to make her happy. I didn't think she would use them against me, but that just goes to show how much you really don't know a person. I woke up to her kissing me on my stomach an hour later. Stretching to get the kinks out, I smiled down at her as she made her way down toward my feet.
“Sleep well?” she asked, helping me sit up on the side of her bed.
“Yes, I did. Thanks for asking.”
I got up and noticed that my clothes were folded neatly in the lounge chair by the door. I walked over and started to get dressed. Once again I couldn't find my panties, and had to wonder what was up.
Was this an invasion of the panty snatchers or something?
It was like I was losing a sock in the dryer or something.
“Monica, have you seen my panties? They're not over here.”
“Yes, I put them away for safe keeping.”
“I need to put them on. I can't go home without panties on. James will know I was out doing something I had no business doing.”
“I need them. That's all I have of you when you're away.”
“That's fine, but every time I come here you keep them. You must have at least ten pairs of my underwear. How many memories do you need?” I was still getting dressed while we were talking, minus the undergarments. I just knew I needed to get home, and I didn't have time to argue.
“Are you mad at me?” she asked like she was about to cry.
“No, sweetie. I'm not mad, I just want you to keep what we talked about in mind.”
“I am. I just wish you could stay.”
I gathered my suit jacket and hair barrette and made my way downstairs. She followed behind me slowly and I waited impatiently by the door although my face didn't show it. I wanted to scream for her to move a little faster, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. When she got to the door she had tears on her cheeks, and I wanted to drop my bag and never leave, but I had to go.
“Monica, don't do this to me. I need you to be understanding.”
“I'm fine, I just miss you already.”
“I'll be back, and I'll call you when I get home. Just don't cry, okay?”
“You do love me, right?”
“Yes, Monica, I love you.”
“Okay, drive safely.”
“I will, and I'll call you.”
She watched me until I got to my car. I waved at her as I pulled off and jetted home to be with my family.
I said I didn't want this, but for some reason I couldn't walk away. She wouldn't let me. An old saying that my grandmother used to say to me came to mind as I went well past the speed limit on the expressway:
The first time you hurt me, it's shame on you. The second time, it's shame on me. All the times after that is plain foolishness.
I felt like a fool too. I knew that all this would blow up in my face sooner or later. What you do in the dark will come out in the light whether you want it to or not.