Never Been Kissed: A Never Been Novel (13 page)

Hunter opens the door for me, prob
ably having heard me lock mine.

“You don’t have t
o do this, you know.”

“I know. But I want to,
” I say. “Where’s Matty’s room?” Hunt grabs my hand and brings me to his room. It’s a geek’s paradise.

“You have
Transformers
sheets!” Matty’s also got Spider-man pajamas on, the kind with the cuffs at the wrists and ankles. He’s sitting cross-legged in the middle of his room (painted sky blue), the covers half-on, half-off.

“Autobots, roll out!” Matty yells, trying to imit
ate Optimus Prime. I’m in love.

“Alright, scoot over, kiddo. We’re going to Neverland.”

Matty bounces to the very edge of his bed, almost squishing himself against the wall. Christ, I hope I’m not
that
big. I lie down next to him, and bring my book up. Without my glasses everything is kinda blurry, but I manage okay.

“You have to close your eyes now, Matty, and imagine every word I’m telling you, a
lright? Make a movie in your head with what I’m saying, ok?”

“What does Wendy look like?”
Matty asks, frowning.

I zero in my attention on the little guy, ignoring the way I’m
still straining to hear where Hunter is in the apartment. “I’ll tell you in a bit. Ready?”

He sits up, staring down at me, blue eyes
intense. “Can you be my Wendy?”

I love, love, love th
is kid. “Sure, kid. Ready now?”

Matty settles down n
ext to me as I hear the shower come on. Time to start reading and forget Hunter. And his naked body in the shower. And the way the water is travelling down, down, down that naked body. And how hard his body is-

Stop!
I clear my throat and begin to read, making Matty has closed his eyes.
Second star to the right, and straight on ‘til morning.
I read until I’m sure he’s asleep. He’s also half on me, and I’m afraid to move.

“Hunter?” I call out in a whisper. The hallway’s dark, and
I know he got out of the shower a while ago – I was waiting for the water to stop. “Hunt?” I call a little louder, checking if I’ve woken the little guy.

“Yeah?”

Oh, frak. Oh, no. Hunter in...boxers? I close my eyes, but the image is still there, burned into my brain for me to fantasize over later. Oh, God. Of course he was sleeping. I’m so fraking stupid!

“I’m sorry, go back to sleep.” I whisper, keeping my eyes closed.
Fraking hell, his perfect, sexy, badass body is painted on my closed eyelids. The broad shoulders, the hard pecs, the abs, the nipple piercings. Every inch of skin I possess starts to tingle, and I try to keep my breathing even.

“Se
ra, what?” My eyes slam open. Hunter’s standing over me, crouching low so he can hear me. “Are you stuck?”

Look at his face, keep your eyes on his face – SHIT! The damn light flashed off those nipple piercings and fuck, just... fuck. I looked down, I stared at his abs, and his legs and even peeked too long at his groin in his boxers. He’s too sexy, he’s too much,
he’s too beautiful. And it’s pissing me off.
Stop looking!

“Yeah...yeah. I need help. He’s falle
n asleep.”

H
unt grabs my free hand, and slowly tugs me, until one foot is on the ground and the other arm’s still under Matty. I grab the book with my free hand, and slide my arm under his little body and I’m home-free. Both feet on the ground, ready to go. Rocky victory-yells ‘
Adrienne!’
in my head.

I stand up fast, not wanting to be face-level with
Hunt’s crotch. A nervous laugh escapes me, and I bite my lip to shut myself up.

“I’m just gonna leave
now.” I try to bolt, but Hunt’s hand is shackling my wrist keeping me in place unless I want to dislocate my shoulder. It’s an option.

“Why don’t you stay and watch
The
Goonies
with me? It’s playing right now on TV.”

Fraking
hell
, I looked down again! No one is that perfect! Fucking shit, I can feel my hands curl, and I want to touch him so,
so
badly.

“Only if
you put some clothes on first.”

A small smile runs
along the length of his mouth. “You don’t like looking at me?”

Bloody hell, I want to stare at you forever
.
“It’s not nice to flaunt your genetic makeup in front of other people, Hunter.”

“So that’s a yes.” He smiles
, leaning down to kiss the side of my neck. I break out in goose-bumps and slap my hand on where he’s burned me with his lips. “My genetics have fucked me up, too, baby. I’m happy you like the outer package.”

“Oh, yeah, start with the guilt-trip ‘
cause you have a faulty pancreas. Go and wear something!” I hiss, whirling to go sit on the couch.

“What will you do if I don’t?”

That’s it. The dangerous tone to his voice, that delectable body – I’m wet. Just from
looking
. “I can leave, you know. I do have a TV at my place.”

Hunter rubs his skull-trim. “Shit. Gimme a sec.”

Hunter comes back from his room wearing sweats and a white shirt, covering up his awesome tats, and rib muscles and abs and ohmygodI’mgoingtoburstintoflames when Brand is biking on a little girl’s bike to bring Mikey back home.

“Thanks for reading to Matty,” he says, settling himself on the opposite corner of the couch, stretching his legs out so far, he’s hitting the side of
my ass cheek and hip, where I’m seated, knees to chest.

“What the hell?
!” I swat at his bare feet when he pushes them into my hip. His feet are freezing – bad circulation?

“Why are you so far away?”

“Because. I want to be. I enjoy my personal space. Shut up, I’m missing the funniest part.” Said part being Troy coming up with his Daddy’s convertible with Andy in the car (Brand’s one true love – not really). Troy acts like a dick, keeping Brand’s hands stuck on the vehicle while his feet pedal faster and faster. I crack up every single time.

Hunter’s moving in my peripheral vision, crawling towards me on the couch like a lion
prowling in a cage. I might just let him maul me.

“What are you doing?” I ask, eyes still on the screen. I’ve seen this movie a million times. In college, I went through my finals watching this movie as background noise for the entirety of two weeks. I know every single line off by heart. I know what comes next. I can look away for a few seconds.

I want to so bad, but my stomach’s turning, and I can’t get enough air ‘cause Hunter’s in my space breathing it all in. I’m scared, so scared of what’s going to happen next. I don’t want to be bad for him, at anything. I want to be good. But I’ll probably be awful.

“I want you closer,
” Hunter rasps, settling himself next to me. We’re flush, hip-to-hip, ribs to ribs, while one arm goes around my shoulders. I’ve seen tons of couples in this position, this subtle reminder of who belongs to who in public places. It feels so fraking good, being enveloped by his warmth. I feel like I belong, like he isn’t ashamed of me, like I am so ashamed of myself.

Dumb as it sounds, I don’t want to move. If this is all Hunt ever wants to offer me, then I’m okay with it. More than okay, actually.
Then I remember that Josh or Tommy have put their arms around me just like this, and that we’re friends.
This means nothing.

I hug my knees closer to my chest and try to ignore the heat of his arm around me, or what tattoos he has there, ones I haven’t had time to study yet. I rest my chin on my knees and continue watching, until my eyes gr
ow droopy.

“Sera...? Wake up for me, baby.
Hi,” Hunter says, gently shaking me awake. He’s looking down at me, while we’re still sitting so close together. God, I hope I haven’t drooled anywhere.

“Hi,” I whisper.
“The movie’s done?”

“Almost
.” He moves some fallen strands of hair away from my face, puts them behind my ear. My heart clenches again, and I’m finding it hard to breathe.

Kiss me, kiss me,
I want to yell, but I don’t. I’m too scared of what’ll happen if he does.

“Can I have a minute? Just give me a minute.” My eyes slide closed again, but
I’m aware, and I can hear Sloth yelling. I put my forehead on my forearms, hiding my face in the little enclosed space between arms and knees and thighs. Hunter’s hand slides to the back of my neck, thumbs and fingers moving as he works out the knots there.

I’ve died and gone to a special version of hell – always to be tantalized by Hunter and never to have him.
Knowing that I’ll never be good enough for a beautiful man like Hunter MacLaine just about kills me inside.

“Please, stop. Hunter, please. Stop what you’re doing.” It feels too good, loosening my muscles. Now I’m thinking of his hands in other places where
I want to be petted.

“Aren’
t enjoying it? Fuck, what is it going to take with you?” His hand drops, both of them now resting on his knees.

I turn to him, hands clenched into fists. My jaw’s
clenched so tight, I’m not sure
I
understand me. “I’m not a piece of ass you use your A-game to fuck. I don’t do that – casual sex. Scratch your fucking itch elsewhere. No one’s stopping you.”

“Prove it.” Hunter says
. “I want you, Sera.” I’m paralyzed by the look on his face, and the way his words bombard me with a sweet pain. “But I’m not going to fuck you with Matty in the next room. I’m not going to fuck you, period.” Both of his hands come to either side of my face. “I want you, Sera, and I’m going to prove it to you. Just like you need to prove it to me. Tell me you don’t want me and you can walk out of here without taking a chance on us.”

I pull in a breath, make sure I have full eye-contact in the blue glow of the
TV. “I don’t want you.”

“Say it again,” he says, l
icking his lips, eyes riveted to my mouth. That fraking tingling starts again. “Say it again, Sera.”

“I
... I don’t want you like that. I want you as a friend,” I say, and what little strain there is in my words, I’m sure he can’t hear it.

Hunter’s voice is soft and strangely reassuring. “Baby
, I’m attracted to you, and the way you look at me tells me you’re into me, too. Friendship isn’t going to work. Now, say it again.” His thumbs swipe my cheekbones. I’ve gone and swallowed my tongue.

I shake my head, my breath huffing in and out. I move to jerk back from his grip, hands
going around his wrists.

“Sera
, look down at your hands.” I look to where he’s looking. Instead of tightening my grip around his wrists trying to pull them off of me – my thumbs are caressing his inner wrists. “Say it again for me. Tell me you don’t want me.”

If there was enough light, I’m sure his blue
eyes would have darkened. Pupil dilation – a classic sign of lust. The body wants to see more of what it wants. I’ve never been lusted after before. I’m not sure I can trust it. Then again, a physiological response can’t be faked.

“I... I do
n’t want you.” Good girl, Delos! That deserves a brownie.

“Say it again.” More thumb swiping along my cheekbones, back and forth, back and forth. Frak. I’ve leaned closer so his breath is fanning my lips. I’m dizzy with want.

“I...don’t..want. You.” Jesus, that was hard.

“One more time, say it again, and I won’t put my mouth on you. I won’t taste that mouth of yours and all the nerdy things that come out of it. I won’t tangle my tongue with yours, stroke it, lick it and suck it like I want to. Say it again, Sera. Do it for me, baby.”

Hunter wants an answer. I keep looking at his mouth, up to his eyes, only to go back to his eyes. Fuck, I want to taste him. I want Hunter to have my first kiss. But God, I’m going to be awful at his, so I have to stay strong.

“I-
I... I don’t want...What?” SHIT.

“Good answer, baby. Now, bring that swee
t mouth closer, and let me kiss you.”

My nerves are live wires, sparking and spitting energy. My throat’s dry, my gaze going fuzzy as his mouth gets closer and closer to mine. Right now, in this moment, Hunter’s my world.

I breathe in
his scent, the way it winds around in my chest, making my heart squeeze down and triple its timing. His big, warm hands stay on my face, and the way he holds me – like I’m worth being held with the gentlest of touches – has another sweet ache furrowing in my chest. Breath is a thing of the past - I’m concentrated only on what will happen next – when and how long his lips will be in contact with mine.

His breath tickles my lips and it hits me that we’re sharing air, as close as two people can be. I’m suspended in this moment, the
beat of my heart the only music I can hear. I’m not sure what’s happening on the TV, or the rest of the room. I’m blind, deaf and mute – waiting, waiting, waiting for him to kiss me.

A kiss I’ve been waiting for all my life.
I’ve blanked on all my protests; I can’t
think
. Hunter’s initiated me into this world where feeling is the one true law, like gravity. Instead, my language will come out in touch, like the way my thumbs are still grazing the insides of his wrists on either hand. Or the way my mouth waters to taste him.

I
want
. I’m crazed with it that I can’t think enough to stop this – to stop the hurt that
will
come when he’s done with me.

“Daddy!”
Matty’s alarmed call comes from his room. “Dad?!”

I jerk, wrenching my head out of his hands. The residual warmth stays on my cheeks, even as I order my hands to unwind themselves from his wrists. They’re having trou
ble listening to me – assholes.

“G-Go...” I sound like I’ve gone and swallowed gravel, my voice husky and soft. Hunter’s hands twitch, like he just might pull me back and kiss me anyway. God, I know I’ll let him, I’l
l let him do anything he wants.

That’s why I can’t let it happen. I’m going to be torn to pieces, and whatever game he’s playing here, I’m going to be the idiot who gets checkmated. No, thanks.
With a frustrated sound deep in his throat, Hunt gets up from the couch, jostling me with his agitated movements. I hear murmuring in Matty’s room.

I take the coward’s way out –
I grab my keys and get out of here.

I’ve never been brave a day in my life – I just slog through, like everyone else. Why
would
someone like Hunter MacLaine want me? Maybe he needs some sort of medication for his mental health.

Back in my bed, I wait for yet another one of Hunter’s calls to go to voicemail. He stops after the ninth try, and I finally let myself fall asleep, hiding my phone under the sheets so I’m not tem
pted to listen to his messages.

I have to stay away from him. This is all some sick cosmic joke, God or something out there, taunting me with what I can’t have and shoving it in my face over and over again.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I try and think of anything – even
Jaws
to try to get him out of my mind. He’s branded me with his touch, poisoned me with his words of wanting me. He’s infected me; I’m plagued by his words, by the way he touched me. I twist and turn in my sheets, even getting up to drink a cold glass of water.

Sleep won’t come. Work is
so
going to suck.

***

I may not look like a zombie from
The Walking Dead
but my lack of focus sure makes me as dumb as one. I only leave the memories of Hunter touching my cheeks, bringing his face closer to mine when Katie drags her cup of coffee under my nose, the smell of caffeine bringing me back to reality.

“I didn’t take you out for lunch to have you ignore me the whole time, Sera.” Katie says, signalling to our waiter to come over. She orders me a cup of coffee, and
a ice-cream slathered brownie that we’ll share for dessert. I’m about to tell her my ass doesn’t need the extra fat when the lifting of her eyebrows has my stomach clenching tight.

I’m in for it.

“What is going on with you? You’ve been my best friend for years, and now all of a sudden, you haven’t texted me in three days – so I can know you’re
alive?
Damn it, Delos, I thought the hottie neighbour had kidnapped you or something.”

I push at my dressing-drenched lettuce with my fork, making dressing art on my plate. I
really
need that coffee.

“And you’re so distracted I don’t even
think you’re listening to me.”

“I’m listening,” I say, feeling a little guilty. “I’m just not in the mood to talk, you know?” I look up from my plate in time for our waiter to put our dessert in front of us with two new forks. I say bye to my leftover salad, and grab my coffee with both hands, staring down at the black liquid like it’ll giv
e me the answers to my life (it’s not 42).

“What’s going on? Please tell me. I can help,” Katie says, her voice pleading. I swallow past the pain in my throat, wondering if I should tell her. She’s such a good friend, she’s going to color the reality that I live in, feeding that hopeful glow in my chest until it’s all I can see with.

I shrug, looking up at her. Maybe if I had her confidence. Maybe if I let my hair grow longer, wore heels every day, worked out harder – maybe then I’d understand this game Hunter is playing.

“Hunter almost kissed me las
t night.” There. I said it.

Katie’s
shriek – I wasn’t expecting
that
. “Are you freaking kidding me? Why do you look like your dog died all over again? This is
awesome
!” She does a little dance in her seat, a wiggle of her hips, fingers snapping to a song that isn’t the one playing on the speakers.

“Why aren’t you shaking
your booty? WHY are we drinking coffee? We need sangria! Or some Jack! Where’s the waiter?”

“God, stop what you’re doing.” I cover my face with my hands, taking deep breaths through my mouth. “This
isn’t a cause for celebration.”

“Uh, yeah it is! Well, I mean, we could ply ourselves with strawberry daiquiris in celebration for the kiss that’s going to come. Oh! Are you seeing him tonight?
Say yes and make my day, punk.”

“You’ve seen
Dirty Harry
too many times,” I inform her, trying to decide where I want to stab the brownie.

Katie snorts, taking a corner off and stuffing it in her mouth. Her eyes roll back in her head from the chocolate overload
.“Sweet Virgin Mary that’s good. C’mon have some, Sera. I can’t eat this all by myself.” She snickers – we both know that’s a lie.

“I want to spend the entire week at your place.” I hold up a hand while she swigs some water – she’s gone and choked on the brownie. “Hear me out. I- I can’t be at my place for this week. What’s a measly seven days for your bestie’s frame of mind, huh?” I pull off a fake smile, pulling all the appropriate muscles into place. Katie stares at me lon
g enough that I know she’s reading me better than the profilers from
Criminal Minds
.

“Did he threaten you
? Hurt you? Does he scare you?”

“No, no and yeah.”

Her eyebrows get low on her face, and her lips thin out. “Does he hurt his kid? Any bruises? Does the little guy seem scared of him at all?”

“God, n
o. Matty loves him.”

Another corner of the brownie g
one. Katie: two, brownie: zero.

“How does he scare you, then? I’m hearing a problem when there doesn’t seem to be one.” She licks the tines of her fork and I hear the two college kids sitting behind our booth give little groans. Katie smiles and keeps on licking – this time e
ven more slowly.

I wonder what would happen if I tried that
on Hunter. Like it’d even work.

“He...he says these things, and I get terrified.” Heart hammering against my ribs, I clear my throat to continue. “Like last night. He told me to tell him I didn’t want him, so I did. But then he kept insisting, Jesus, he wasn’t
forcing
me, K, but coercing me, if that makes sense.”

“You mean, he used his big, sexy body to his advantage, knowing tha
t you like said big, sexy body? He has tats right?”

“Frak yeah, he has tats. And pierced nipples.
And the blue eyes, and his fraking grin that makes prehistoric butterflies attack my stomach.” I groan, shove my hair behind my ears, adjust my glasses. “It’s just him. I... I
really
like him.”

Katie grins, and
slaps my wrist. “You naughty girl! So he’s your Jax Teller?”

I shake my knee
underneath the table, all my nervous energy in one tiny, spastic movement. For the love of the Winchesters, why do I feel like I’m the one that just told Harry he’s the last freaking horcrux?

“Yeah, he’s Jax without t
he gun-running, and the bike. Hunter’s an upstanding member of society even though I’m not really sure what he does for a living. That seems like an important question to ask. I know he grew up in those big fancy places in the West End. Bloody big house, K. There was a butler and everything. We dropped off Matty the other night when we went to dinner.”

“WHY am I only hearing about this now?”
Katie plants her fork down and glares at me.

I ignore that. “I’m
scared. Really, really scared.”

“Why?” Her hand squeezes mine on the table – my knee stops shaking. I
hold my breath.

“He makes me want him, K. It’s all I thought about tod
ay – what my first kiss would’ve been like. I couldn’t sleep last night, imagining it over and over in my head. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I never thought I
would
feel like this for anyone. I’m terrified of getting hurt. I’m terrified of letting myself believe that he really wants to kiss me. That he wants me. Hence the attractive circles under my eyes.”

“Did you have to take a cold shower?” She snickers, giving m
y hand another squeeze.

“Shut up. I don’t feel like myself. I think about him too much, and Matty, and how much I love that little kid – and it’s only b
een a short time, and-”

“Stop!
Miii
, I’m getting anxious just hearing you talk. I don’t think coffee is such a good idea, after all.” She goes to pull away my mug, when I let out a snarl. An actual snarl. My family would be so proud. “Fine, keep that damn thing. See if I care.” Katie’s dark eyes go gentle. “I’m going to let you in on a secret – this is how it is with everyone on the entire planet. Whatever you’re feeling – completely normal, I promise.”

“What if
he sees me naked and makes me leave? Oh God, what if he laughs at me? I’m going to have to move places, and my commute to work is going to be even longer and I’ll never get to see Matty again-”

Katie clears her throat, and gets me out of my vortex of negative thoughts with nails
into the back of my hand. “You do this. You make yourself sick with that what ifs. You make yourself sick and you don’t
live
.”

Her words break my bones and make me bleed. They hurt so much.

“I don’t how else to be.”

“No one is telling you to sign your life away, Sera. No one is telling you to get hitched to this guy and his kid and be a family.” Oh God, tha
t image gets burned into my brain as Hunter and I’s potential fantasy future together.

“
You
have the power here, and you always will. You could kiss him and it’ll be a total turn-off.” Katie looks supremely proud of herself for coming up with that.

“That’s not possible. It would defy the laws of physics if he’s a bad kisser. He’s like a god – maybe even Thor and Loki’s mortal half-brother. Did I tell
you his last name’s MacLaine?”

Her body jerks, eyes going wide. “As in, ‘In McClane we trust’ from
Live free or Die hard
? This is... this is...God, I have no words. Wait ‘til I tell the guys. MacLaine? I can’t even deal with this right now. We need to stop talking about it. Seriously.” She starts digging into her purse for her iPhone.