She had told them nothing more than the bare bones of her past which was all it took for Luke to invite her to live with them. What the hell had happened to her? And just how long did he have to live like this? It had been over a month and there was not one sign of Cassie’s supposed ex. Or of any danger. John was beginning to think it was all a bunch of bullshit.
He pushed off the sofa and followed Cassie upstairs to her room. He shoved open her door. She was bringing a t-shirt over her head. Her back was to him, and he caught a glimpse of her smooth, bare skin. She yanked the shirt down. He stepped back in surprise. Her hair was down, hanging over her shoulders, finally out of her damn bun. It did a lot toward making her look twenty-three again.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Tell me again why you live with me.”
Her eyes widened, and her shoulders dropped. She shook her head. “I knew you’d do this at some point.”
“Do what?”
“Kick me out. I know I deserve it. God, don’t I know it. You remind me of it every fucking day I’m here.”
He blinked in surprise. She was angry? What the hell? Where did she get off being pissed at him?
“What do you want John? If you’re going to do it, just say so. I don’t need to keep walking on egg shells.”
He snorted. “When have you ever walked on egg shells? You’ve never exactly been the wilting wall flower now have you?”
“So what? Are you going to throw me out?”
“I would. I swear to God I would if you didn’t have a six-year-old boy with you. I hope you know that.”
“Oh, I know it. I know the only thing that makes me tolerable to you is my son. What about him John? What do you want to say to me about him?”
He was tempted. So damn tempted to say the scathing things in his gut. She goaded him like no one he’d ever known. She, who had ruined his life when he was a kid, how did she have the right to act like he was to blame? It was all bullshit. Cassie’s supposed danger, and him having to live with her.
“Fine. I’ll ask it. What I’ve wanted to know ever since I heard your pathetic story. Why did you keep Tim? Why did you keep the baby with the abusive ex and not mine?”
A long sigh escaped her lips. She sat down on her bed. Her gaze pinned to her feet. “It’s not like that. It’s not a comparison. I didn’t like one baby better than the other.”
“Then what’s it like?”
“It was never about who fathered them. It was about me. What I could handle. What I thought was the right thing to do. And five years difference in my life. What is it you want to know John? Did I love Marcus? Yes I thought I did. Until he threw me against a wall one day when he thought I had lied about where I’d been all afternoon.”
“He abused you?”
“Not at first. Not very much. He started after Tim was born. Then the real Marcus came out. So I left.”
“So you meant to have Tim?”
“No. I got pregnant. That’s why I married Marcus.”
“How did you end up with Marcus to start with?”
“When I was twenty-five I finally quit partying. I got a job as a secretary for the same company Marcus was a low level manager in. At the time I was freshly sober, celibate, and lonely. Marcus wanted to take care of me. I thought I needed him in order to stay sober and faithful. I got pregnant. We got married, and I thought I was better. But I wasn’t. The only thing that changed me for real was Tim. As I got better, sober, confident, and less into sex, Marcus started to get weird.”
“And then you left.”
“I left. He followed. You know the rest. You know why I’m here. You can trust that much, I would never live with you if I had any choice at all.”
“You never trusted me,” he said after a long moment. He stared at her, trying to understand who Cassie was compared to who he’d always thought she was.
“No. I never trusted you. I never fully trusted anyone. That’s who I was a decade ago. I drank too much, partied too much, and slept around for nearly ten years. But the one thing I didn’t mean to do was hurt you like I did.”
“How did you hide it all from me?”
“I made sure my secrets stayed away from you just as I wanted them to.”
“I was an idiot.”
“No you weren’t. You didn’t see it. Any of it. I knew you didn’t, and I liked that. I liked who I was in your eyes.”
“I almost deserved it didn’t I? I was so in love with you I never saw one real thing about you.”
“No. You didn’t. You didn’t see me, nor did you deserve it. But it doesn’t matter now. It was a long time ago, and everything about me is different, and better. I hate remembering what I was. I’m sorry for it, I really am. But I can’t change it.”
“You can’t possibly think that makes any difference to me.”
She shrugged. “What do you want from me? I can’t undo it. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better person. But I was doing the best I could at the time. I wish it could be enough for you that my entire life changed after that. That I’m entirely different now.”
“I should take comfort in the fact you were willing to be a mother to Marcus Leary’s child, but not to mine?”
“Don’t. Don’t ever think of my son as a comparison to what you think you lost. Tim is mine. And Tim is nothing like Marcus. I’ll listen to a lot of things from you about what I did to you, but I will not listen to you insult my son.”
He nodded and let out a breath. “I know. Tim isn’t a problem. I wasn’t trying to say he is. He’s a great kid. Really great.”
“I’m the problem right? I’ll always be the problem. So what is it you want? You want to kick us out? Because I’ll leave. But if you don’t, you have got to quit being such a bastard to me. It was ten years ago. I shouldn’t have done what I did to you. But you could look at the circumstances now, as an adult, rather than like a hurt teenager. You really could do that.”
“Now I need to grow up?”
She sighed. Closed her eyes. “You purposely take everything I say wrong. I hurt you. I’m sorry. But I’m begging you; let me stay here with my son. I’m that scared of Marcus. And I need your help that much. So you know what? You won. Your life is a success, and I’m practically on my knees here begging for your help. Please, for now, just let that be enough.”
He stepped back into the hall. He hadn’t expected this conversation to go where it had. Or for Cassie to gain the upper hand in this thing between them. But she had. She was right. He should grow up. There wasn’t anything more she could do.
He could however keep the status quo. He would keep ignoring her; protect Cassie and Tim, without her touching his life. No more intimate late night talks for them. As always, Cassie easily got to him.
Chapter Nine
Cassie went to bed after John left her room that night and tossed and turned until dawn. Memories from the last few years seeped through her mind, keeping her awake and fretting all night. Memories she hadn’t tapped into for a decade seemed to collide with memories of the last month and left her thrashing in bed.
John had the power to make her virtually homeless. It was humbling. If John kicked her out, she’d have to go to Kelly, no matter if that was the obvious route Marcus would take to find her. She had to take the risk of telling her sister the truth; she couldn’t stand how vulnerable John’s anger made her position in his household.
She called Kelly and told her sister where she was and why she was here. Cassie begged Kelly to stay away. Kelly finally agreed only because her notoriety was too easy to follow. After John’s confrontation she felt exposed and vulnerable. John had unearthed things she’d been trying for a decade to put to rest about her past. He had once again reminded her of the ongoing theme of her life; her past never seemed to get put to rest. From Marcus to John to the abortion, to the son she did have, it all followed her.
Cassie hung up the phone after her call to Kelly and began scrubbing out the dinner pan. Tim and Luke were in the next room wrestling. She worried that Tim was growing too attached to Luke, but she also wanted to fold Tim up in all that healthy male attention. Tim hadn’t had any sort of consistent man in his life. Cassie wanted that for him, while at the same time she didn’t want to cause Tim any more pain than necessary when they left. Because that was inevitable, and the less attached Tim was to Luke and John, the easier it would be for him.
Cassie dropped the pan when a loud thump broke through her revere. The back door slammed. She quickly recovered her dish and calmed her nerves as she recognized John’s footsteps. Strange. He was home early, and Sarah was following him. Damn. She was not in the mood for them. John nodded at her coldly. Sarah smiled and waved her hand.
“Hey Cassie. How’s it going?”
“Fine Sarah. What are you two doing here?”
“Oh we thought we’d help Luke out with babysitting you and Tim.”
Cassie frowned then met John’s stony face.
“Great,” she said, as she threw down the dish towel and stormed out of the room, her face hot with anger. She was thirty-three years old and she had to put up with this? Her ex-boyfriend dragging home his young girlfriend to babysit
her
?
“Cassie?” Sarah called after her, and then asked John, “What did I say?”
Cassie walked into the living room and plastered a grin on her face for Luke and Tim. Luke smiled a greeting. As she sat down, Tim and Luke quit their horseplay, and Tim left the room to come back holding a magazine. Not many six-year-olds had an aunt who regularly appeared in popular magazines. He often spent time searching for Kelly’s ads. It always made Cassie smile as he riffled through fashion and gossip publications, his little lip bit in concentration as he studied each ad, intent in his search for Kelly.
Cassie had nothing to say. Sarah talked enough for all of them. Cassie smiled as she watched Tim, then she pretended to focus on the TV.
Tim suddenly yelled, “Here it is!”
“Here what is?”
“Aunt Kelly. When she called earlier, she told me she had a new picture out, here it is.” Tim beamed as he pointed to it. Cassie knelt beside Tim to look at her sister’s picture. It was beautiful. Kelly was sultry and sexy, in a bra and panties, in an ad for perfume. Her mane of unbelievably thick reddish hair flowed over her provocatively. Her cat-like green eyes seemed to come off the page with heat.
Sarah and John leaned down to look. Luke peeked over her shoulder.
“Kelly Reeves is your sister?” Sarah asked, her mouth open.
“Yes.”
“How come I didn’t know that?” Sarah glared at John.
“I didn’t know you’d care.”
They again looked at the picture. “Wow,” John said after a moment. Sarah elbowed him at his tone of appreciation, sniffing with disapproval.
“Do you think Tim should be looking at those?” Sarah asked.
Cassie bristled.
Luke finally spoke as he tore his gaze away from Kelly. “She’s right Cassie. It seems a little old for him.”
“Kelly is Tim’s aunt.”
“Yeah but it’s not much different than porn,” Sarah said.
Cassie jumped up. “You’re just jealous because your modeling career consisted of a few catalogue pictures. And before you go around saying crap about people, maybe you should know something about them first.”
Cassie stomped up the stairs. She felt all eyes follow her.
Let them stare. She was sick and tired of being nice and appreciative and accommodating. She slammed the door to her room with a flourish, making the wall vibrate. She threw herself onto the center of the bed and glared up at the ceiling.
****
Cassie stomped upstairs. The shock of her outburst was reflected in Sarah’s and Luke’s faces. Tim looked around, confused. John hopped to his feet.
“Luke why don’t you get Tim some hot chocolate in the kitchen?” he said, nodding that he was going upstairs. Luke herded Tim away.
“How dare she?” Sarah hissed, her face indignant.
“I think you hit a nerve. Why don’t you go out with Luke, and I’ll see what’s up.”
Sarah looked unconvinced. “You’re not going to let her talk to me like that in your house are you?”
John shrugged and Sarah seemed to accept that. He went upstairs and opened Cassie’s bedroom door when she didn’t answer his knock. He turned on the light. She rolled away from him to stare at the opposite wall.
“I’m not apologizing.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“No. I don’t. And last time I checked, this is my room. So quit barging in here.”
“It’s my house.”
“You remind me of it every day. I think I know that.”
She finally jerked her gaze from the wall and met his eyes. “Besides one of these times you might catch me naked. You wouldn’t want that now would you?”
“Why are you so sure about that?”
She narrowed her eyes. “I’m sure. Remember I’m the spawn of Satan.”
“More than I ever knew.”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“You’re pouting like a two-year-old.”
“I’m not pouting. I’m furious.”
“Why? Because your sister takes racy pictures?”
“Sarah’s just jealous because she didn’t realize my sister was prettier than her. And she can’t stand it.”
“So. Why do you care?”
“Because Kelly’s my sister, and none of you know a thing about her. And I refuse to listen to your idiot girlfriend criticize me or my sister. I’m not some wayward orphan, you know. I used to have a life, a very good life in fact. Until Marcus Leary came up for parole.”
“Yeah. So? What do you want to do about it? Things can’t be different, believe me, if they could be I’d make them. None of this is new though, why are you so pissed off tonight?”
“I don’t want to be your problem.”
He shrugged. “But you are.”
“I don’t want to be. And I don’t want to be scared anymore. And I don’t want to look at my son and wonder how I’ve screwed him up.”
“I see.” John walked over and sat on the edge of her bed where she had her legs resting. Agitated, she sat up, swinging her feet over the opposite side of the mattress.
“What? By your smug ‘I see,’ I assume you’re saying I’m taking my anger at my situation out on Sarah? Some sort of displaced anger?”
“Aren’t you?”
“I have a right to be angry. You treat me like I’m crap.”