REBORN (Metamorphosis Book 1) (18 page)

"I have never stopped loving you, baby."

"Then why, Kayden, please tell me why." I didn't have to say anything else.  He knew what I was talking about.  He knew he had been an ass.

"I was scared, scared of losing you. Scared of the intensity of my feelings.  Scared that you wouldn't love me back.  And so I pushed you away before you could hurt me; except that it was too late for that.  I am already heads over heels for you.  Without you I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on work, and there is no pleasure, only pain.  I need you, Ellie. I want you, day and night.  I'd rather fight with you anytime than be alone.  Come home please."  He started to carry me to the bedroom, but I stopped him before he could go any further.

"I need to talk to you, Kayden. I don’t know if it will be possible for us to stay together, but either way you deserve to know the truth."

Kayden looked puzzled and a little frightened.  "Don’t you still love me?" he asked.

"With all my heart," I responded.

"Then, what's the problem?  There is nothing that we can't work out as long as we are together."

"Kayden, please sit down, what I have to tell you is very important."

He sat on the sofa, and then said, "Now you are scaring me, are you sick?"

I took a deep breath to gain some courage, then blurted out, "Kayden, I am pregnant."

He turned pale, very pale, and for a minute I thought he was going to pass out.

"What did you just say?"  Minutes passed before he spoke again. "Did you just say you were…pregnant? It can't be, it has to be a mistake."

"No, Kayden, there is no mistake.  Two different doctors checked me; it's very early, but I am definitely pregnant.  The doctors are telling me so, my body is telling me so."

"How? Who is the father?"

My world stopped; what did he just ask?  Could he be so obtuse as to ask who was the father? I knew he was in shock, heck I was in shock too, but there was only one answer to that question. "It's you, stupid, you; who else could it be?"

"But we use protection."

"Well, then you need to ask the divine powers to answer your questions.  While you wait for the answer you need to know that I intend to keep this baby, and judging from your reaction, you don't have to be part of it.  I will take care of it alone if necessary." 

"Ellie, I don't know what to say."

"Then don’t say anything, just get the hell out of here."  Kayden froze in place at the anger in my words.  "GO!" I screamed and he left.  I went to the bedroom, got under the blankets, wrapped into a ball, and cried for my mother now dead, cried for my unborn child, and cried for all the years of suffering until I fell asleep.

I woke up sometime after midnight feeling restless and hungry.  I knew it was too late for room service so I decided to go to the kitchen area and make some tea; perhaps find some crackers or a candy bar.  It was the first time I'd felt hunger in the last five days.  My hand went automatically to my stomach.

"You are responsible for this you know; I hope you are happy because you are going to have a very old mother."  A smile came to my face. "A mother, I am going to be a mother again.  Kayden's baby."

At forty-two I had thought I was done with raising children.  Damien, my baby, was eighteen now and in college.  I had planned to see the world, to travel and focus on my needs for a change.  I wanted to be like a feather, free, flexible to move, to travel.  But the universe had other plans for me.  I was scared about being a single mother, scared about how my own children would react to this, but I was not sorry.  This child was created out of love, and love it would receive.

Suddenly I heard a soft tapping noise from the door.  Slowly I moved toward it and checked the peephole. Kayden's forehead leaned against the door.  When I opened it Kayden almost fell on me. He was wasted! 

"That's your daddy little one; I hope he'll be around for you."

Kayden mumbled, "I'm going to be a father."

"Yes you are, whether you are ready or not."

I helped him to the sofa and then took off his shoes and socks. I unbuckled his belt, lowered his zipper, and pulled down his pants.  I pulled up his sweater and went to the bedroom to get a blanket and pillows.  I lifted his head and put a pillow under it.  He fell asleep immediately.  I took a minute to look at the peacefulness of his sleep, at his relaxed features, at the beauty of his face.  I wondered what our baby would look like.  "Our baby, oh god, please help us," I sighed.

After settling Kayden on the sofa, I went to the kitchen and found a pack of crackers; after eating them, I drank some water.  Actually that was all my stomach could handle.

I went back to the sofa and lay next to Kayden.  It felt so good to touch him, to feel the heat of his body!  He turned and threw his arm around me; I was home!

I slept like a baby that night, within the warm embrace of Kayden's arms.  I woke up to his piercing green eyes staring at me adoringly.

It was light outside. "Good morning," he said, sounding contrite.

"Good morning to you too; how long have you been awake?" I asked.

"A while."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You look so beautiful sleeping," he said with a smile, then placed his hand on my stomach and said, "So we're having a baby."

"It appears that way," I responded. "It'll be a tough road, but the doctor said I'm healthy so it should be okay."

He bent down and kissed my belly, then said, "I am so sorry, I promise to spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

"I love you Kayden, this baby is the product of our love.  I hope you'll want to be part of his or her life."

He brought his head up from my stomach. "Do you think I would let my child grow up without a father? You are stuck with me for the rest of your life."

"I don’t want you to be with me because I'm pregnant.  You have no obligations."

"Yes I do have an obligation to our baby, but I'll be with you because I love you, not because I have to."

He hugged me tightly, kissed my eyes and then my cheeks, my hair, my neck, my breast…  his lips kept going down until he stopped at my stomach and kissed it lovingly, for a long moment, then his lips kept going down until they reached my sex and my body began to tremble.  It had been so long!

Kayden pulled my pajama pants down, then my panties.  He took his time; there was no hurry in his movements, as if he had all the time in the world.  He opened my top, then felt my breasts. He kissed each breast reverently, touching the nipples, sucking them softly.  Then he caressed my neck, kissing it, sucking it tenderly.  When he came to my stomach he spoke a few words in Portuguese, leaned his face onto it, and smiled.  There was so much love in every movement, every word, and every caress that I began to cry.  Tears of joy and hope came down my eyes.  Hope for the possibilities of a life together, of a future for us.

Chapter Twenty

Sofia and Roberto came at one to take us out to lunch.  They were thrilled about the possibility of another grandchild, one from Kayden.  They had lost hope that he would have any children, and now this miracle was on the way.  I hoped their desires would not be crushed.  It was too soon and at my age anything could go wrong.

Kayden seemed happy too.  He talked and made plans all morning about our impending parenthood.  He was already talking about moving to a house with a yard so that his son or daughter could grow up in a nice community with lots of space and good schools.  He went on and on all morning, forgetting that he had not once asked if I wanted all of this.  Jeez, this little one was changing my life faster than a speeding bullet.

And then there was me.  I did not know what to think about all of this.  Just a few months ago I was ready to conquer the world, on my own and on my terms.  Then I met Kayden, and I began to question my own existence.  He stirred things in me that I had forgotten were there, feelings that were buried deep inside that I thought were lost.  I fell for him like an adolescent, gave myself to him like a starving child.  But I am not an adolescent or a starving child.  I am a forty-two-year-old mother of three grown children.  How do I bring them into this new life Kayden is proposing? And what happens when the newness of the relationship is gone and the passion subsides and I am left with a child and a crushed heart?  He had already become scared once, what would happen when the baby cried all night and he had an important meeting in the morning?  Would he turn away from me again?  I could survive another child; I would not be able to survive a broken heart.

The answer was simple; I would raise the baby alone.  Kayden could be part of it if he wanted to but not part of me.  How would I tell him?  It was easy to say and think that I was going to leave him when he was not next to me.  But when he was at my side and touched me, everything changed.  I couldn't resist him; I had no will power against him.  My body betrayed me.

And so we went to lunch.  Everyone else at the table spoke, but I barely said a word, barely touched my food.  Sofia watched me from the corner of her eye.

"Excuse me boys, but I have to go to the ladies' room."  Both men stood as Sofia got up to leave.  "Ellie, can you accompany me?"  Kayden looked at me, puzzled, and then saw the insistent look in his mother's eyes.  I just shrugged and got up to leave with her.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" she asked softly.  I'd suspected she wanted to talk when she asked me to accompany her.  Unfortunately, she was not the person I needed to talk to.

"Nothing, I'm just a little tired," I responded.

"That's a line you can use with Kayden and he might accept it, but not with an old lady like me."

"You're right, but this is a conversation I need to have with Kayden."

"Does he know that you are thinking about leaving him?"

"I can't talk about it, Sofia."  With those words I left the bathroom and returned to the table.  Kayden wrapped his arm around my shoulders and looked at me, perplexed.  He took his other hand and squeezed my thigh.

"I'm not feeling well.  Can we go soon?"  It was a lie, but I needed to get out of there.  I needed to talk to Kayden, in private.  I needed to figure out our future.

When Sofia returned to the table Kayden addressed his parents.  "Mom, Dad, we're going to be heading out early; please stay and have coffee and dessert, we'll grab a taxi."

"Is everything all right?" asked Roberto.

"Yes, of course; Ellie is just a bit tired," answered Kayden.

We said our goodbyes and left the restaurant.  When we arrived at the hotel Kayden looked worried.  I had been quiet during the taxi ride and now I remained silent.

"Ellie please talk to me, what's going on?  Did I do something to upset you?  Are you sick?"

"No, I am not sick Kayden, but we need to talk.  For starters, you came back yesterday.  Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you come yesterday?"

"Because I realized how much I needed you; baby, I don’t want to spend another minute without you."

"Did you know I was pregnant before you came?"

"NOOO, do you think I came back to you because of the pregnancy?  Didn't you notice my shock when you told me?"

He was right, he had run off and gotten drunk when I told him the news about the baby.  That is not the reaction of someone who knew beforehand.  But why the sudden rejection?

"Kayden, remember when you told me I was giving you mixed messages?  I feel that way about you now; on the one hand you were rejecting me before I left Chicago, now you can't live without me?  Can you see my confusion?" I told him, hoping that he could understand my concern.

"Baby, I was scared.  Scared of how deep my feelings are for you, scared of losing you just like I lost Megan."

My head started spinning; what was he talking about?

"Ellie, when we were attacked, my whole world was turned upside down. For a moment all of my sense of security was lost, I felt like you could be taken away from me any moment, and I guess I tried to protect myself by rejecting you."

"Taken away like Megan was.  And now I am pregnant like Megan was," I said very slowly, managing no more than a whisper. I could not say anything else; my head was spinning.  He was not over Megan; she was still very much part of his life.  I felt a choke, like I was going to throw up; I ran to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, but nothing came out.  My choking was from the realization that Kayden might not be over Megan after all, that she was very present in his life.  I collected myself and went back to say what I knew I must.

"Kayden, I love you more than life itself.  But if this pregnancy is viable and a child is born, it's going to need two parents who are truly devoted to each other.  You are still living with the ghost from your past."  My voice could barely get the words out; the look of panic in his eyes made me want to run to him, to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him everything was going to be okay.  But I couldn't, it wasn't just me anymore.  So I blurted out the words that were piercing my heart.