Authors: Bernard Langley
“
Er
yeah
, I’ll take a plasma manhattan, swirled not stirred, thanks
,”
said Slip.
“
Of course sir
,”
said the waiter.
“
With one of those twirly straws and tiny umbrellas too
.”
“
Right away sir, and for the lady
?”
“
The same
,”
said Slip, before Crinkle had a chance to answer.
“
Of course
,”
said the waiter and left to get their drinks.
“
I don’t thi
nk I’ve ever been this nervous!” he said,
visibly shaking.
“
Uh huh
,”
replied Crinkle, deeply unimpressed.
“
I mean, what if I win? What if I win?
!”
“Yeah,
yeah,”
said Crinkle obviously nonplussed.
“
You’re not really taking this seriously are you
?”
“
Nope
.”
“
And you don’t care if I win or lose, do you
?”
“
Nope
.”
“
So basically, you couldn’t give a figlet
?”
“
Your drinks sir
,”
int
er
r
upted the waiter, placing two smoking drinks down on their table, tiny umbrellas sticking out of them and all.
Slip passed him a fabulous emerald and motioned him away.
“
That’s correct
,”
resumed Crinkle.
“
But Crinks, this is my dream! Can’t you see that?
!
This is my life’s goal
!”
“
Sure Slip, but…
“
“
Hang on a pin
g Crinks, it’s about to start,” he
butt in.
Ladies, gentlemen and species of extraordinary gender, I would like to welcome you all to the Universe Awards. It is my great delight tonight to see so many special guests in the audience, please give a big hand to King Mook there in the second row! Of course he needs no introduction, let’s hear it for God up in the balcony, hi there God! I must however draw special attention to, I really can’t believe that he’s actually here, oh my, is it, no it can’t be, but yes it is, it’s SLIP
MCGROOVY
!!!
“
Crinks, did you hear that?! They mentioned me
!”
“
Yeah
, t
’
rific
,”
yawned Crinkle.
“
Thank you fans, thank you
,”
he
bestowed
thanks
on the guests about him.
That’s right folks, tonight we sort the wheat from the chaff, the good from the ugly, the red dwarf form the dwarf! Right here, right now, in this very room, we have assembled the greatest ever beings from across the ages. The greatest minds, warriors, lovers, poets, inventors, musicians, thinkers, tyrants, persuaders, procrastinators, revolutionaries, dreamers, literally the very mount
of all that is paramount is here, and shortly I will announce the number one!
“
Did you hear that Crinks?! The number one
!”
“
Whatever
.”
So without further ado, here are the nominations. The first nominee is Eric Fankst from the Joonta system. Eric was born in time sector non-yellow
on the moon of Poosht, to his seven
parents Mr’s & Mrs’ Fanskt. From an early age he showed some promise in zero grav tetherball, but still
more promise in being exactly
the right time at th
e right place. At the age of fifteen
, Eric happened to accidentally step on a butterfly who was rushing home in order to surprise his wife for her birthd
ay. Though t
his incident in itself seemed quite trivial at the time, causality scholars of the future, later discovered that this incident, as a first cause, actua
lly ended the Endless War of
All Time, a war that had been raging since the birth of the first stars and had resulted in the death of countless species across numerous galaxies. Of course, Eric had been quite oblivious to this fact, and further oblivious to the fact that the wife of the dead
butterfly soon remarried, had three
baby butterflies and lived much happily ever after. These sorts of events regularly featured in Eric’s life and culminated on an unremarkable day later in Eric’s retirement
yea
rs. Eric was a keen gardener and had always dreamed of having a patio in his garden. Now retir
ed, he
found that he could
finally realize
his dream
,
and spent some really rather lovely summer months laying down his dream patio. Relaxing with a drink on his patio one summer evening, Eric could have never known that though his patio really was very nice, in the act of laying it, he had quite unknowingly inverted reality. Before the patio had been built, the universe had been an evil place, where death and horror were the norm. His patio set up the exact conditions necessary to reverse the quantum bent of universe, and changed this principle from evil to good. Changing the very nature of reality went unnoticed at the time because all life was locked into the quantum bubble, though causality scholars are now cer
tain that Eric Fankst is single-handedly responsible for turning an evil universe into a really rather lovely one. Ladies, gentlemen and those inbetweenies, I give you Eric Fankst.
Applause echoed around the hall.
“
Wowza, that Eric, quite a guy
!”
e
xclaimed Slip.
“
Again, whatever
,”
said Crinkle, the very essence of nonchalance.
And now your second nomination for the greatest ever ever-great is Borz Wibbleflurst, step forward Borz. Now though I’m certain that Borz really needs no introduction, let me run you through some of his best bits.
At the tend
er age of ten
galactic beeps, Borz transcended physicality and became pure thought, in this incarnation his first act was to return to the birth of the universe and aid God with his design of the curly b
its on the Stretcham Ring galaxy;
he also added the finishing touches to the law of gravity when walking under an apple tree one day
,
an apple was repelled by his head.
Later on in life, Borz successfully swam the Omega Nebula, invented the inventors, a self replicating machine species who are quite masterful
at tiling, and has had sixty-five number one hits and eighteen multi-plutonium albums!
Ladies, gentlemen and species who look both ways before crossing, I give you
,
the indisputable Borz!
Screaming erupted around the hall, and some people started to chant Borz’ name.
“
Seriously Crinks! If he ever became corporal again, even I’d think twice
!”
“
Slip, isn’t this all a bit, you know, STUPID
?!
”
And now your third and final nomination is…
“
Stupid
?!
How dare you! And what pray tell oh Crinkly is stupid about it
?”
is…
“
How about the fact that none of this is real and we’re both dead
!”
Crinkle dropped the bomb suddenly.
Is… Slip
McGroovy
!!!
“
That’s me
!”
he said
aghast
,
“
that’s me
!”
That’s right ladies and gentlemen and those who play from any tee, Slip
McGroovy
is your third nomination! Who I’m I kidding, forget those other two losers, he’s won! Slip
McGroovy
is the best ever person in the universe ever! For just being here! I mean WOW! Look at him! Just look at him! Seriously folks! Look!
The c
rowd then went nuts, some were screaming Slip’s name and removing their clothes, others just bayed at the ceiling quite unable to cope with Slip’s magnificence. Some drooled and gawped, yet others instantl
y dropped dead in homage to him
. A child approached Slip asking for his
autograph, so he
reactively
shoved the tiny umbrella from his drink into the child’s lapel. Later that umbrella would become a famed relic and people would travel millions of light—
yea
rs to see it and be near it.
“
Did you hear me Slip?! None of this is real
!”
s
houted Crinkle struggling to make herself heard over the commotion.
By now Slip had been carried to the stage and the audience were all bowing down before him and chanting his name. The compeer pushed a button and the ceilings above started to part. Now the night sky was exposed, all that could be viewed was a galaxy sized representation of Slip’s winking face
,
made entirely of stars. The stars had been trawled together over
the last few thousand circuits
using wormhole hoovers, and now stood as everlasting testimony to the greatness of Slip
McGroovy
. He
stared up at his galaxy wide face, and a s
ingle tear dropped neatly from
his own.
“
You’ve gotta be kidding
!”
she said,
though no one was listening.
“
Hupa Hool? Hupa H
ell more like
!”
a
nd that said, Crinkle left the building.
“
And that’s the last time I saw Crinks, she just turned tail and left
!”
f
inished Slip.
“
Oh okay
,”
replied Fendel pausing for thought
,
“
and you were awarded the greatest ever person in the universe of all time period award, right
?”
“
Yeah
!”
he agreed
emphatically.
“
And none of that, or indeed this, is real
?”
“
Erm,
yeah
.
“
“
And we’re all dead Slip, that’s right isn’t it
?”
“
Your point Fends
?”
Pete took the moment to interject
,
“
you’re an idiot
!”
“
I’m sorry?
”
s
aid Slip abashed.
“
He’s spot on, you’re an idiot
.”
repeated Fendel.
“
Oh I get it
,”
said Slip narrowing his eyes
,
“
you’re jealous
!”
“
Jealous of what exactly Slip
?”
a
sked Fendel, taking in his surroundings as he spoke.
“
Wel
l me of course! You just can’t
stand the fact that I’m the most amazing
,
amazing person ever! Well fellows, I guess it’s just something you’re both going to have to learn to live with
.”
“
Or
,”
began Fendel, who
pausing for effect,
then kicked Slip quite skilfully in the knee.
“
Ow
!”
he whimpered, “
what was that for?
!”
“
For being an idiot
!”
“
Look this is getting us nowhere
,”
put in Pete
, “
how on Earth do we get off this rock
?”
“
How on what?
!”
a
sked Slip bemused.
“
On
Earth
.
”
“
Never heard of it
!”
“
Nevertheless, the questions remains, how do we get outta here?
”
“
Pete’s right, this is not the time to be arguing semantics. Slip, you’ve been here the longest, how do we get back
?”
a
sked Fendel.
“
Get back? What like? Back to reality
?”
“
Yes if you like
.”
“
We don’t
.”
“
Oh come on Slip, what would Crinks do if she was here
?”
“
She’d probably just leave again
,
”
he answered in a small voice,
sounding a little hurt.
“
No she wouldn’t, she’s always got a plan. Come on Slip, stop being so defeatist
.”
“
Well I know what I’d do
!”
he declared
, sounding cheerier.
“
What
?”
a
sked Pete and Fendel in unison
“
Ask Crinks of course
.
”
“
Well that’s decided then
,”
said Fendel
,
“
we find Crinkle
.”
“
But she could be anywhere
.”
“
Maybe
,”
replied Fendel
cryptically
,
“
or may
be, she’s just over that hill.”