Saying Goodbye (35 page)

~

Piccadilly kept nibbling at Mark
’s hair and jacket
as he sat on the floor. Mark patted his white muzzle and kept the phone to his ear. “Love, please, forgive him.”

“Why? That fuckhead and the ass you married are self-centered pigs.”

“True. I’m not arguing. But they are
our
self-centered pigs.” Mark rubbed the big white horse’s nose until he left Mark alone. As if reassured he was okay
,
Piccadilly began eating his hay calmly.

“Ya know, Mark?” Adam began, “First this shit with Randy, you having to screw that piece of shit to keep Alex in the contract, then
me
dragging you kicking and screaming to the estate when I knew
you hated it. Then seeing you go out of your mind over shit we both knew
about Jack and Steve’s drooling over Alex
…
”

Mark slouched in the corner of the wall, watching his horse munch hay.

“You and I know Jack and Steve have always had a fucking hard-on for Alex. Why do you think Jack hates Billy? Huh?”

“Adam, love
…
forgive him.”

“I can’t!”

“A long time ago, I recall a story about you going after Ewan’s man. Do you remember? Ewan and Jason were lovers. You seduced the doctor. You remember telling me?”

Adam grew quiet.

“Lovely, no one thinks what we did is virtuous or saintly. Least of all me. I’m the Nation’
s Top Slut. No one is as guilty as I am
of
allowing his dick to lead him
into perpetual depression.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop it? Oh, so I am forgiven by you?” Mark caught Piccadilly glance over at him quickly. The horse seemed to be making sure he was okay.
It was s
trange.
Mark had no idea why the horse had bonded to him so strongly.
“
I am to s
top admitting I am a disgusting father figure, defiled myself in a multitude of ways whilst allowing men to shoot their spunk on me
, screwed my own damn son in law
…”

“Mark.” Adam sounded exhausted.

“Yet, you place Jackie up on a pedestal. You expect him to be perfection? Incapable of human error? Adam. We’re talking about Jack Larsen here.”

“I’m work
ing at home on my laptop, let me get back to it
.”

“
Bollocks
. I shall be at work
modeling all weekend
. You own your own agency. Let the whining brats wait. What is important to you, Adam?”

“You. Okay? The fact that you are alive.”

“I owe you for that, Mr Lewis.” Mark watched Piccadilly turn towards him, lowering his head to snuffle Mark. Mark caressed his soft lips and nose.

“You owe the cops. Not me. And Jack? How could he go off to Rome and not even mention the horses. He rode with them on the estate with you.”

“Ahhh, the estate.” Mark smiled wryly.

“Fuck.”

“Yes. Fuck, indeed.” Mark managed to stand up and brushed the hay from his black jeans. He leaned against Piccadilly’s neck and held onto him.

“I’m sorry.”

“I hate Bible scripture, you know that but…”

“Don’t even say it.”

“It is about casting stones.” Mark relaxed on Piccadilly and
t
he
horse
blew out a low snort
of affection
.

“I didn’t cheat.”

“No. But you dragged me to hell.” Mark had an image flash of the coma dream but shook it off.

“So? That’s it? Bygones? Everyone kiss and make up?”

“Adam, my lovely intelligent man. I adore, adore, adore you.”

“Back at ya, Richfield.”

“Seeing you and Jackie-blue apart? Well, it simply doesn’t make sense. It’s as silly as me saying goodbye to all of you, am I right?”

“No!”

“Adam…” Mark said in a reprimanding tone.

“Let me think about it.”

“I will hound you. You do know how persistent I can be.”

“I do. Ya jerk.”

Mark smiled. “I am inviting him to stay with us. You’ll know where to find him.”

“After he fucked Alex? Are you telling me that you can stand the sight of him?”

“My love. My pet. How long can we hold hatred and resentment? I can attest to you, that hanging onto my hatred of my parents has made me borderline manic. You think it
’
s easy to harbor anger, fury,
and
betrayal? I wish you luck.”

“Mark…” Adam sounded upset.

“I love you more than you will ever know. You, staying by my side, refusing to stop looking. I shall never know the extent of what you did to get me back.”

“Oh, God…”

“Don’t cry, my love. Don’t.”

“Mark?” Steve appeared near the stall door.

Mark held up his finger to gesture one minute to Steve.

“I love you, Adam. You, only second to Steven, and equal to Jack.”

Steve reached for him.

Piccadilly didn’t seem pleased and his ears went flat.

“God, Mark
…
you’re giving me guilt when it
’
s not me that should be guilty.
”

“Blame my Jewish father. He was an expert
at
it, and past his lovely genes to me.”

“You are nothing like him.”

Piccadilly began to get agitated. Mark tried to see why. He cupped the phone. “Give him a carrot, Steven. You’re making him jealous.”

“Mark?” Adam asked.

“I’m here. I’m at the stable. Jack is riding Shadow and Piccadilly is about to maul Steven. Jealous males. I’m surrounded.”

“I’m not jealous he had Alex. I don’t want
your son
. But I am betrayed. To the core.”

“With good reason.” Mark watched Steve try to feed Piccadilly without getting bit. “Time?
My nagging you
? You tell me what will work
, Adam
.”

“I know what won’t work. A shrink and valium!”

“Oy!” Mark said in his defense, although Adam was correct.

It made Adam laugh and Mark was relieved. “Take some time. Miss him. You will, my love. You will miss that big brawny lawyer. Mark my words.”

“You suck.”

“Sadly, I do. Too much.” Mark walked towards the stall door where Steve was trying to wipe his hands off on his jeans.

Mark kissed Piccadilly and closed the door behind him as he and Steve walked towards the car. Shadow’s stall was empty.

Piccadilly protested loudly, but Mark left the barn with Steve so the horse could no longer see him. He said to Adam, “Don’t take too long, my love. Jack may appear tough like a superhero, but I know him. His heart is easily broken.”

“I know. You broke it first.”

“Ouch! You bloody
wanker
!” Mark flinched and Steve appeared slightly confused.

“Gotcha. Okay, Mark. Let me go.
M
y stable of brats is going crazy
emailing and texting me
.”

“I will be in touch.”

“I know. Love you.”

“And you.” Mark hung up and spotted a dispenser for hand cleanser on the
barn
wall. He used it and Steve did as well the minute he
saw
it.

“Any luck?” Steve asked.

Mark shrugged. “I don’t know. Adam’s been very hurt by Jack’s actions.” He and Steve walked to the car.

“I invited Jack to our place.”

“Yes. Good.
I was going to as well.
” Mark sat in the passenger’s side of the car, staring at the trail he took the night he attempted to kill himself.

Steve reached for Mark’s hand after he turned the car around and got them headed to the main road.

We are all just feathers in the wind.

Mark wondered about the future. To him it seemed bleak. He glanced at Steve, had a momentary flash of
an image of
Alexander making love to him, and looked the other way. He knew how Adam felt. But Mark also knew he was no angel. Quite the contrary. He had screwed the captain.

Steve was cooking dinner and Mark was staring into space, wondering if he felt up to getting back to his normal routine of work, running, modeling
…
he was exhausted.

When someone knocked at the door, he called to Steve, “I’ll get it.”

“Maybe its Jack
,
” Steve replied from the kitchen.

Mark ran his hand through his hair and opened
the door
. Two uniformed police officers were standing there, and a patrol car was parked in his driveway.

“I did it.” Mark said, putting his hands together in front of him. “Arrest me.”

Mickey pointed his finger at him. “That’s what got you into trouble in the first place.”

“Come in. Are you on duty?” Mark allowed Jeff and Mickey into his home.

“Yeah, fuck them. We wanted to see how you are.” Jeff sniffed. “Is someone cooking?”

Steve approached them. “In uniform? Christ, why don’t you just tell Mark you want to seduce him.”

“I wish,” Jeff muttered.

Mickey whacked him in the vest with a thud.

“We were just about to have dinner.” Mark gestured. “Join us?”

“Would love to. I’m starved.” Mickey keyed his shoulder microphone and asked for a dinner break from the dispatcher. She gave them one.

Jeff walked to the bathroom in the hallway, while Mickey washed his hands at the kitchen sink. “So, Miller, you cook?”

“I’m learning.”

Mark began setting the table for four. “I’d offer you boys a beer, but…”

“No. No booze.” Mickey dried his hands and approached Mark, snaking one arm around his low back. “How are you?”

“Good. Thanks to you.”

Mickey kissed him.

Mark felt the uniform, the vest, the gun belt and nearly swooned.

Steve said, “Hey! I had sex with you last night in uniform.”

Mark backed up and touched his lips. “Yes, you did.”

Jeff returned from the bathroom and stopped short. “Hang on!”

“It was just a kiss
.
” Mickey walked to a chair at the table as Steve began placing food there.

Mark gave Jeff’s uniform a good once over. He wagged his finger at him. “It’s men like you who get me in trouble.”

“Get the fuck over here.” Jeff embraced him, sniffing Mark’s hair. “I love you, Richfield.”

Mark felt his eyes well up. He rested his head on Jeff’s shoulder and squeezed him through the bulky vest. “Are you my hero or the man who interrupted fate?”

Jeff grabbed a handful of Mark’s hair and tugged his head back so they could see eye to eye. “You
ever
try to kill yourself again I will personally find your ghost and throttle you.”

Mark could see the pain he had inflicted, especially in Jeff, whom he had a very close bond with. Mark mouthed, ‘
forgive me.
’

Jeff went for Mark’s lips and kissed him.

Mark swooned and his knees went weak, as he ran his hands all over Jeff’s uniform, badge and gun.

“All right…” Steve admonished. “I’m not so sure I’m going to be so generous with Mark in the future.”

Mickey began eating. “Fucking, Sharpe. Ruined it for all of us.”

Jeff stared at Mark. The intensity sent the chills rushing over Mark’s skin. In his ear Jeff whispered, “How can a man with so much love not feel it?”

Mark stifled a sob and reached to cover his face. Jeff stopped him, gripp
ing
Mark’s wrists. “When we found you, Mick and I, we couldn’t feel a pulse or your breath.”

Mark shook from his grief.

“We took turns breathing into you until the ambulance came.”

“I recall nothing.” Tears ran down Mark’s cheeks.

“I haven’t felt that helpless since Mickey’s shooting at the bank.” Jeff wiped the tears from Mark’s cheeks.
“I thought you were already gone.”

Mark’s lower lip quivered. “Forgive me.”

“I h
ave no need of asking you for forgiveness
. But I want to kick Sharpe’s ass.”

Mickey said, “You and me both.”

Steve said, “Sit down, guys. The food is getting cold.”

Jeff gripped Mark closer, again to speak into his ear. “You want hot sex in uniform, Mick and I will perform for you. You know that. Just ask.”

Mark’s skin went into a power flush of heat. He was given
just that,
as a gift on one of his birthdays
.
Watching
these two top men go at it. An act he would never forget. Mark nodded
in agreement
.

“Dry your tears. And eat
.
” Jeff led Mark to the table.

Mark sat beside Steve and could see a broiled chicken breast and steamed ve
getables on his plate. Salad
fill
ed
a
large bowl. The other three
ate hungrily, like athletic
,
hard-working men do.

Mark sipped from his water and stared at the food.

“Oh no,” Mickey said, “Don’t tell me he’s got a fucking modeling shoot coming up.”

Steve answered, “Saturday and Sunday.”

Jeff cut a slice of the chicken and held it up in front of Mark. “It’s protein and vegetables. No fat. No carbs. Come on, gorgeous. You pass out again and I will kick your tight ass.”

Mark took the fork and ate the food, chewing, wishing he didn’t have to eat at all.

“So,” Mickey asked while eating, “The captain finally got off his fucking
desk
chair and flew to Rome?”

Steve nodded. “He’s staying through Alex’s shoot.”

“He should have done that from the start. Stupid bastard,” Jeff said, eating. He looked at Mark. “Finish that food!”

“Brute!” Mark poked at the steamed vegetables.

Steve rubbed his face in frustration and didn’t comment.

The radio
microphone
s on the epaulets of the two cops crackled with noise. Only Mark took notice. “Anything to be concerned about?”

“No.” Mickey
scooped
salad from the bowl.

“Yes!” Jeff pointed his fork at Mark’s plate. “Jesus! After what you’ve just been through? We a
re still dealing with this bull
shit?”

“Officer Chandler,” Mark said indignantly, “I have a shoot for the cologne company.”

“And they don’t want bones
.
” Jeff poked another piece of chicken
onto his fork
and aimed it at Mark’s mouth.

Mickey shook his head. “It’s like dealing with a
two-year-
old.”

Steve again bit his lip. Mark could see it. He ate the chicken off Jeff’s fork and forced himself to finish the steamed vegetables. Instantly the amount of food made him feel slightly ill. He drank water, as much as he could.

There was a knock at the door.

Steve looked up. “Jack.”

Mark noticed Mickey and Jeff exchange hostile glances as Steve left the table to answer the door.

Mickey asked, “Was he invited to dinner?”

“Did
w
e eat his food?” Jeff asked.

“No.
There’s plenty of food.
” Mark looked over his shoulder. “There has been a temporary disagreement between Jackie and Adam. We’ve invited him to kip here.”

“Oh?” Jeff’s lip curled. “Adam not too thrilled Jack dipped his dick into your son?”

“Chandler!” Mickey punched Jeff in the shoulder. Jeff didn’t flinch from the hit, but said, “Sorry, Mark.”

Mark set his silverware properly on the plate. Both the knife and fork together, across the right side of the
dish
, indicating in his British household, he was done.

Mark stood and greeted Jack, who had left a suitcase by the stairs leading up to the second floor. “Jackie, love.” Mark hugged and kissed him.

Jack returned the gesture and looked at the cops. “I saw the car. I was hoping it wasn’t Billy.”

“Sharpe’s in Rome,” Mickey said, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“Are you hungry?” Steve gestured to the table.

“I don’t want to intrude.”

Mark said, “Nonsense. The boys just
dr
opped by unexpectedly.”

“And we’re on our way out.” Jeff glared at Jack.

Mark stopped short. “What’s all this?”

Mickey stood. “We only get a half hour, Mark.”

For the first time
,
since Mark had met Jack decades ago in college, Jack Charles Larsen appeared sheepish. He stepped back, head down
,
and
then slunk away
.

“Must you go?” Mark walked the two officers to the door.

“Duty calls.” Mickey leaned against the doorframe, caressing Mark’s long hair.

Jeff held Mark’s hands in his. “We love you. You know that.”

Mark nodded, aware without the effort of these two men, he would be dead. He was still struggling on whether that was a blessing or a curse.

Jeff gave a quick glance towards the kitchen where Steve was putting a plate of food down in front of Jack at the table. Then he said to Mark, “Your capacity for forgiveness is inconceivable. If it were me?”

“You did not cheat on your husband with your son-in-law. I did.” Mark clenched his teeth. “Theirs was revenge sex.”

Mickey threw up his hands in fury. “With your fucking son?”

Mark gave a paranoid glance towards the kitchen. “Please. I am begging you. We all must move on or I shall not be able to cope.”

That instantly took the wind out of their sa
i
ls. Jeff grabbed Mark and held him while Mickey kissed Mark’s cheek, petting Mark’s hair. In his ear Jeff said, “Steve’s not the only one who would die without you.”

“Stop this talk.” Mark felt sick from the food
in his stomach
and
his
anxiety
.

“Did he tell you?” Mickey asked, “That Billy and Jeff found Steve about to swallow the barrel of his gun?”

Mark broke down in heaving sobs.

Jeff shoved Mickey
angrily. “We’re not helping him.
”

Steve called from the kitchen, “Is everything all right?”

“Yeah,” Mickey replied. “We’re just saying goodbye.”

Mark inhaled a few deep breaths.

Jeff made Mark look him in the eye. “You may not think so, but your loss would set off a disastrous chain of events.”

Mark felt hot tears run down his cheeks. “It already has. I have made a bloody mess of so many lives.” Mark tilted his head at Jack. “Adam is so cross.”

“Adam was the one who stayed
.
” Mickey tried to control his temper and tone. “
Adam came to the fucking stable
with us to look for you
while Jack
happily fucked your son.
”

Mark began to weep.

Jeff hit Mickey in the chest. “Cut it the fuck out, Stanton!”

“Mark?” Steve called.

“I’m fine, Steven,” Mark said, trying to keep his voice steady.
“All this from
the events with
Randy Dawson.” Mark wiped at his tears.

“Huh?” Jeff held Mark by his shoulders. “About Billy and Steve threatening Randy? What the fuck does that have anything to do with it?”

“Nothing.” Mark shook his head. “It was lovely to see you two.”

“Hang on.
” Mickey nudged Mark against the closed front door. “What did you have to do to straighten out that fucking bullshit?”

“I can’t…” Mark shook his head in denial. When he looked up, Steve was there, appearing furious.

“What the hell is going on here?” Steve asked.

“We were saying goodbye, Steven. I was thanking them for saving m
y life
.” Mark tried to open the door.

Mickey glared at Steve.

Steve glared back as if it were a challenge. “You got something to say, Stanton?”

Mickey puffed up, looking powerful and menacing in his uniform. “You’re a piece of work, Miller. Lucky for you you’re not a cop anymore.”

“Or?” Steve suddenly looked battle ready.

Jeff grabbed at Steve’s shirt collar. “You don’t fucking deserve Mark. Ya know that?”

“Please!” Mark held up his hands and tried to get between the three men.

Mickey and Jeff backed off, giving Steve looks that could kill.

Mark stepped outside the house with them. “Give us a moment, will you?” Mark asked Steve. “Keep Jackie company.”

Steve snarled and walked off.