“
Can we at least be friends with benefits?
” I say to the ceiling
.
GRAY
Friends
.
B
rilliant
fucking
cop
-
out
, Gray
.
Like you can keep your hands off of her
.
If life came with an aud
ience, mine would
be
laughing hysterically
right now
.
I
drive down the road and consider
my offer
.
It was a desperate idea
that seemed right at the time
.
But more than anything, I just panicked
.
Note to self
:
Do not make relationship decisions under the influence of sexual frustration
.
Friends
.
Is that even remotely possible?
Can you control how much you love someone
?
Maybe I can try
.
It’s a psychological research experiment and I’ve volunteered myself as the lucky guinea pig
.
Yay
, me.
I mentally list reasons
why
I can be friends with Dylan
.
Reason one:
I’m not rea
lly attracted to her anymore
.
Okay,
who am I kidding
?
I want to touch her every second
I’m next to her
.
And when I’m not next to her
.
S
cratch that one
.
Reason two
:
I’ll hardly see her
,
between school and games
and studying
.
Reason three
:
I’ll date other women (hopefully
with more success
)
.
Reason four
:
Dylan
doesn’t have a cell phone, so it’s not like
I can get in touch with her that easily
.
I turn up the volume of my stereo and tap my fingers on the steering wheel.
Friends
.
It
could
happen.
I nod to myself and
feel safe with this
new
plan
.
As long as I’m calling the
shots
, I can handle this
.
I just need the upper hand
.
I make the plays
.
I set the dates
.
I draw the boundaries
.
That’s how I keep her
at arm
’
s length
.
And my heart safe
.
GRAY
It’s our
third
Sunday night dinner and
the word has
gotten out
.
Our guest list has
grown
,
so Dylan sets up a folding table next to the
kitchen t
able
.
A few more guys from the team show up
.
Travis
continues to
invite himself
over
, and
Dylan brings Cat with her this time,
which gets Miles so worked up
he barely eats
.
Todd invites h
is
girlfriend, Liz
.
They’ve been dating since high school
.
Liz
a
lways looks perfect, like she gets out of bed in the morning with her
blond
hair
parted and
her bangs neatly aligned
.
Her outfits make her look like a walking Old Navy commercial
.
She’s getting her teaching certificate
,
and she’s always busying volunteering at their church and leading bible studies and organizing food drives
.
Her name should be Linda
.
We’re all sitting around the table digesting and suddenly Todd clears his throat and says he has news
.
“
Liz
and I are engaged,” he
blurts
.
Everyone’s silent and I look around to see Bubba
shocked
, Miles
amused
,
and Dylan impressed
.
I stare back at Todd like he’s nuts
.
They’re only twenty years old
!
They can’t get married
.
Then
again, I proposed to Dylan
last summer
.
But that wasn’t real
.
I don’t think
.
Maybe
?
No.
Dylan
’s voice cuts through the stifled silence and she makes a toast
.
Everyone’s t
aking turns congratulating them
.
Todd
says they’re
having a judge
perform the ceremony
. I
t’s
g
oing to be
simple,
with
only their parents,
because
they can’t afford a
big
wedding
.
They’re going
to
throw a dinner party
at Liz’s parents
’
house
to celebrate
and we’re all invited
.
It’s the Sunday over Memorial Day weekend, one of the few days we have off from our game schedule
.
Wow
.
I’m officially
old
.
Have we really hit
the
marriage
zone
?
Dylan’s keeping the conversation go
ing a
nd asks all the right questions and Li
z
is beaming and Todd is
all proud
.
For some reason, I’m annoyed
.
Bored
.
But also jealous
.
I look across the table at these two friends who have found it: life
-
long love
.
I wonder why some
people get to experience it, and some don’t and some
trip over it and
break apart
and
die
with broken hearts
.
I wonder who chooses our
destiny
, if it’s a g
od
,
or
fate
, or karmic luck
.
I look
at
Dylan across the table. S
he looks beautiful as she smiles for them and celebrates
with them and
I
wonder why I’m not enough for her unconditional love
.
After dinner we start cleaning up
.
Miles is flirting with Cat
,
Bubba’s doing dishes with Lenny
,
and Todd and Liz are sitting side
-
by
-
side on the couch
watching reality
TV
,
like the boring married couple they’re soon to become
.
All these
people
look so happy and satisfied that it’s making me sick
.
I can barely look at Dylan because it makes something hollow unfurl. And it aches.
DYLAN
“Come on Dylan, just get it over with,” Gray tells me
.
I persuaded Gray to come with me today, to be my wing man as
I show my
photography, for the first time,
to
a local gallery
.
Gray told me he knows
a little bit about the business
since his sister worked in
a gallery
for two years, so he penciled me into his schedule for a quick hour
.
It’s a rare window of time he’s giving me these days
.
He seems to
be going
out of his way to avoid me
.