Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy (20 page)

As he got more deeply involved in the condo project, he began to focus on deepening his relationships with a few individuals who were also very active in the condo association. Not only did he accept invitations to spend long work sessions and social time with them in a group, he also spent time with people individually, inviting them to dinner at his place and accepting invitations to social events.

Within a few months he began to feel overwhelmed. He enjoyed his new friendships with several of the other condo residents, but he was starting to feel pressured by one of the women. He wondered whether she wanted a romantic relationship with him when she invited him for dinner and to a play in the nearest city. Despite his qualms, he pushed himself to go ahead since he had committed himself to stay steady and not run when relationships deepened.

Ben had recognized he was becoming increasingly judgmental toward Belinda as she had increased her invitations to meet with him, even before her invitation to attend the play. She seemed to be turning into a weak and helpless stereotypic female, not at all the person he had originally admired in their meetings with plumbers, carpenters, and electricians.

The night they went to the city, Ben was extremely uncomfortable. He couldn’t enjoy the play and he began to feel claustrophobic. He wondered if he had inadvertently replicated the old toxic dynamics of his childhood. At the end of the evening when they sat in the car outside their condo building, he felt as though Belinda were holding him hostage. It was late, and Ben was miserable as he sat listening to her talk about problems at her job and her increasing loneliness since she had moved into the condo. The tipping point came when she turned to Ben, and said, “Ben, I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re one of the only friends I’ve made since I moved out here. You really are some kind of miracle in my life.”

After that night, Ben politely backed away from the pressure he felt from Belinda. He began to avoid her and decided he would drop out of the condo repair project. He also began looking for another place to live.

In our therapy sessions, we focused on creating another option for Ben, working together to see whether this time he could manage to stick with a relationship and not let it trigger his runaway pattern. He had been enjoying the community effort, he liked where he lived, and he was happy to have deepened his friendships with the other people he had been getting to know. Finally, he forced himself to talk to Belinda, to tell her how he was feeling and why.

To his surprise, she was very comfortable with his disclosures about his runaway patterns in his relationships with women, his need to stay free of any demands, and his classic fears of being consumed by female loneliness. She began to share some information about her own patterns of sabotaging close relationships, her wish to have the kind of intimate relationship that she had experienced with her sisters in childhood. Like Ben, she longed for a relationship that would provide for all her emotional needs.

After a while, Ben and Belinda became good friends. They were able to help each other work on the relational challenges each faced. They discussed their expectations of the perfect romantic relationship. Belinda was able to help Ben practice being more relaxed about his relational safety boundaries. Eventually, when Belinda got into a serious relationship with a man she’d met at work, Ben was happy for her. He also realized he would miss her if she left the condo to move closer to her new partner.

It was a cause for celebration when Ben was able to tell Belinda about his fear of losing her, without going into a panic that she would drop her new relationship and come running to him with a new rush of expectations. The following summer Ben cheerfully participated in her wedding and welcomed her new husband into their condo “family.”

Now, you have all the tools you need to take the plunge and get started. You’ve done the preparation that will give you the best opportunity to choose the group or community where you are most likely to succeed. You’ve given yourself some specific relational challenges to work on, and you’ve read the accounts of other distancers who worked at Step Three and succeeded. You’re good to go!

You also should plan to take notes regularly on the significant moments and encounters that occur throughout your practice of Step Three. Use your journal. Observe whether there are patterns that you need to pay attention to or to change.

Try to find someone to talk to about this phase of your work. You should try to explain as well as you can what this work is all about for you. Let your confidant know what your goals are, why you chose this particular group or community, and how long you’re planning to conduct this experiment.

As you plan your new venture, remember to give yourself a reasonable timeline for how long you will conduct your experiment. For example, you may want to give yourself three months. This means that if things are really not working out, you can stop and try to find a different community to engage with to do Step Three work.

Make a commitment to stick with your chosen group for at least several months, knowing that you will undoubtedly feel a variety of discomforts during the early stages of your new activity. The most predictable response you might have to the new situation would be “I feel really uncomfortable in this group. This is really not going to work for me.” This response is very likely to disturb your thoughts and feelings when you join a group that’s new to you. You also might feel this discomfort even in a group you’re already part of as you get involved at a deeper level and start to connect with others in a deeper way. If this happens, instead of giving in to your distress, think about what you might do with your reaction.

One way to deal with it might be to tell yourself that if it wasn’t somewhat uncomfortable for you, then you probably aren’t really digging into the work of Step Three. If you find that you’re very comfortable with a new situation, that’s not a good sign. It’s either not different enough for you to try out new behavior, or you’re not really allowing yourself to enter the experience.

Here’s an example of how one distancer moved himself out of his comfort zone after he recognized that he wasn’t really doing the work he wanted to be doing.

Andrew’s Story

Remember Andrew? He’s the fellow who had so much trouble settling into any relationship because he was always zooming around and never allowing himself to really land anywhere. When Andrew got to Step Three, he decided to stick with the community that was the most important to him as well as the most familiar, the meeting rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But he decided to practice getting closer to individuals within the program and to try to stay steady within those relationships rather than following his old patterns of running away the minute he began to feel he was getting too close to anyone.

After a few months, though, he discovered that he had chosen a group that was too familiar, too comfortable, and that he wasn’t really experiencing the kinds of changes he knew could lead him to greater success in establishing intimacy. So he went back to the drawing board and decided to try something a bit more challenging that would allow him to develop his new skills more successfully. He looked at his list and thought again about his on-again off-again relationship to the church community he had grown up in. He made the decision to reopen his connection with his local parish.

Finally, Andrew succeeded in making a big change in his relational patterns by volunteering to work with a group of church members that did outreach to inactive local parishioners to determine how the church could become more relevant in their lives.

As he learned to sit and really listen to the people he visited, he began to slow himself down little by little. He often went on these visits with other volunteers from the group. One of them, a man much older than Andrew, talked to him about how long it had taken him to get to a place of real comfort in his own life. One day Andrew realized that he had been sitting and talking with his new friend for two hours without even feeling restless.

It was a quantum leap for Andrew to find out that he was capable of sitting for hours with another person engaged in a conversation that was personal and that also made him feel vulnerable. He began to discover that the more he practiced doing this, the more relaxed he became with everyone who crossed his path.

Monitoring Your Progress

So, after going through the usual ups and downs of the first three months of your brave new experiment, how will you determine if things are moving along in an okay way? You can use the following exercises to help you decide whether you really need to change gears and try some other group or community, or whether you need to revise your target relational goals and challenges.

Exercise

Monitoring Negative Effects

Use this scale:

1 = This doesn’t describe me at all.

2 = This describes my behavior a little bit.

3 = This describes my behavior in some ways.

4 = This describes quite a lot of my behavior.

5 = This is definitely me!

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 to answer the following statements:

If your score is high (anything above 40),
you may want to think about finding a different kind of group, community, or activity.

If your score is midrange (between 30 and 40),
think about reassessing the target behaviors you’ve been working on. Maybe the group itself is right for you, but you’re trying to do something that’s too challenging at this time. Try scaling down your expectations. And before you make any big changes, do the following exercise, to see how to look for positive changes. You may be surprised.

Exercise

Monitoring Positive Effects

Use this scale:

1 = This doesn’t describe me at all.

2 = This describes my behavior a little bit.

3 = This describes my behavior in some ways.

4 = This describes quite a lot of my behavior.

5 = This is definitely me!

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 to answer the following statements:

If your score is high (anything above 40),
you are probably doing just what you need to do, and you have found a group or community that is working well for you.

If your score is midrange (between 30 and 40),
try changing some of the target behaviors you’ve been working on. Maybe you’re trying the wrong things or trying too many things at once. The group itself may be fine, but you could challenge yourself a little more.

If your score is under 25,
it’s very likely time to find a different group or community, and take the pressure off yourself trying to make this one work.

This is a very important period of your life, a time to try out new situations, to assess if they’re working, and to try again if the first choice isn’t right. Above all, be kind to yourself during this process. This is a very big project, and nothing is going to fall into place quickly. Give yourself time, and remember that you have nothing to lose. The exciting thing is that you have no idea where this adventure may take you, and who you will find yourself with as you learn to change your relationships. Just keep breathing!

In chapter 6, you will move into doing some work within the couple relationship, either with your current partner or in quest of a partner. There’s no rush to move to this last phase of your journey. In the meantime, give yourself time to really explore and enjoy your success in making community connections. This is the work of a lifetime and you’re doing it!

6

You have reached the final challenge, the step that will give you what you’ve been seeking. Now you are ready to move forward into the process of working at improving your intimate relationships. To help you with this work, you have new information, new relational skills, and an expanded network of support. You have greatly increased your capacity to risk the vulnerabilities and joys of love. Most important, you are not alone—you have a variety of support options, including the wisdom of others who have been where you’ve been and who have all improved their relational and intimacy skills.

Let’s get started by reviewing what you’ve learned about yourself in preparation for this last important step. You can meet this last challenge because of all the preparation you’ve been doing to arrive at this point.

Knowing Yourself

As you approach the area of intimate relationships, you know who you are and what you’re looking for. You’ve been figuring out the self-definition that best fits you; comparing and contrasting yourself with the other distancers whose stories you now know. Perhaps you’ve discovered that you distance yourself from intimacy by avoiding relationships; that is, you are a “disappearing distancer” like Andrew, Janine, or Julie. Or you’ve noticed that even though you can get into relationships, you play out the approach-avoidance tango of the “defended distancer,” similar to Jack, who pursued unavailable partners, or Ben, who fled from one partner after another, or Diego, searching for the impossible dream of meeting someone who could meet all of his emotional needs. Maybe you defend yourself emotionally or sexually like Yvonne, Rick, or Danny. Maybe you recognize that you avoid communication vulnerability like Chris, who was afraid to risk difficult emotional exchanges with her partner Beth, or Luisa, who was fearful of her partner Diego’s emotional openness.

You may have found a description like yours in the stories about Sally or Danny, and identified yourself as a “distracted distancer” so fully occupied by your work, family, or other people’s crises that there is nothing left over for your couple relationship. Or maybe you’re more like Colin, so involved in your addiction that you’re too distracted from making meaningful relationships.

While you were learning to assess your style of distancing, your growing awareness created change. All you needed was the willingness to look at yourself in your moments of vulnerability. You learned that you could name a relationship pattern that describes and fits your individual history, and by doing that, you learned you were in good company. That must have been a terrifically liberating moment, recognizing that you are not uniquely isolated in your ways of relating to others and that many other women and men have faced the same challenges you have.

You also have learned that partners sometimes can reinforce or inflame each other’s distancing patterns. Remember how Diego and Luisa’s marriage went under when they tried to confront their divergent communication styles? Each wanted the other to be radically different, and when they tried to force these changes, their marriage couldn’t sustain the stress.

You learned from their story that being able to name the problem in an intimate relationship sometimes may lead to dissolution of the relationship. Ending relationships doesn’t have to be viewed either as a failure or a tragedy. This book offers you the lesson that when a couple has irreconcilable differences in their visions of intimacy, they can’t always sustain their relationship.

Now let’s take a look at the new skills you have learned during the process of risking change.

Your New Relational Skills

As you worked on each step in the Awareness, Remembering, and Connecting (ARC) model, you gained new skills in your journey toward a fulfilling intimate relationship. Some of the assessment skills have guided you to a better understanding of your relational challenges and desires. You’ve also added new skills to your repertoire to help you engage in new situations and challenges, and to uncover the parts of your past that may need a deeper examination.

Exercise

Reviewing Skills

Below is a list of the basic skills you’ve been learning and practicing. As you review the list, pay attention to which of these skills have now become a part of your daily life and which ones could use a little more practice. Make one check mark next to the skills you use only occasionally, and then put two check marks next to the skills you use often. Some skills will probably remain unchecked, but be as honest with yourself as you can about this:

How to use this exercise: Notice which skills you haven’t been using much, and write a few notes for yourself about why you’ve been neglecting to practice using these tools. Also give yourself credit for what you have been doing. Circle the skills you especially want to use more.

As you look over this list, you may think of other new skills you’ve added since you began to work with this book. The new skills you’ve been gathering in your support networks and community or group endeavors are especially important.

Remember: In this last part of Step Three, you can trust these skills to help you whenever you approach your new ventures. You have a new capacity to risk closeness and vulnerability. You will not be permanently wounded. You do not have to do this alone. As Susan B. Anthony famously declared, “Failure is impossible!”

You are now going to put into action all that you’ve been learning and practicing since you first began working with this book and the ARC model. You are ready to start the process of making changes in the area of intimacy within a couple relationship. Let’s talk about how to make this process work best.

First, let’s begin with some general guidelines. The following apply whether you are just starting the process of approaching potential partners or are making changes in your long-term couple relationship.

Guidelines for Making Successful Changes

• Set small goals.
  The worst mistake most people make when they are trying out something new and frightening is to immediately go for the gold; that is, for the finish line at the end of the race, when they really should begin with a walk to the corner. Obviously, this guideline will be very different in action for each person. For example, if you are a disappearing distancer, you would want to try talking to that special person for a little while longer, or at a slightly more personal level of conversation, instead of asking him or her to go away for a weekend with you. Or suppose you’ve been addicted to your exercise routine, but you’ve decided to work on spending more time with someone special and less time exercising. It would be much more sensible to give up one exercise session in the week, rather than go cold turkey and totally quit your whole exercise routine in order to spend every night with Ms. or Mr. Right.
  
• Focus on changes you can make right now.
  Don’t focus on something you hope will happen someday at the end of your relational journey. If you plan to work on opening up a little bit more emotionally, start with one small part of yourself that you feel is ready to be shared, rather than going for a full range of emotional vulnerability right away. It’s important to take your time when you are aiming at big changes.
  
• Prioritize safety.
  Begin with target behaviors and people who you feel are relatively safe. If you’re a defended distancer and you’re making a commitment to hang in there with a new relationship, even if things are feeling a little too intense and intimate, don’t lock yourself into something too risky. Don’t go from a standstill to moving in together, or to getting engaged, or going off together on a long trip to a romantic island. For the distracted distancer who is ready to let go of an all-consuming addiction to make some space for a partner, move toward withdrawal from your addiction in a planned way, giving yourself plenty of support and time for recovery before fully offering yourself to another person.
  
• Think of your first steps as experiments.
  Remember that nothing you do is final. You will probably have to explore lots of new behaviors and situations before you become really comfortable with the new you. If you view what you’re doing as an experiment, you can take both successes and setbacks in your stride: it’s all just information. If you decide to try harder to meet potential partners, don’t give up if your efforts don’t bear fruit right away. This is just a way to deepen your understanding of yourself while you try out new relational options. Nothing that happens will be all bad or all good, so don’t be overconcerned with evaluating your efforts.
  
• Stay tuned in to the wisdom of your body.
  At first, you will probably find that you feel awkward, nervous, unsure of what’s happening. You may feel lost and confused. Don’t overthink. Trust your body to give you feedback. If the situation you’re exploring makes your body feel jittery, that’s to be expected. But if your body keeps sending huge warning alarms, pay attention. It may mean that this is the wrong activity or wrong person for you at this time.
  
• Keep your sense of humor.
  You know things are never really smooth when you’re trying out anything new, so prepare yourself to feel foolish. Just keep in touch with that part of you that can see humor in your most dismal efforts, and remember, we have all been there.
  
• Stay connected to your support people.
  As you engage in these new efforts, be sure to stay connected to those who support you. Talk to others about what you’re planning to do, how it’s going, and what the next step is looking like.
  
• Set timelines for your plans.
  You need to create a structure that will tell you when you’re going to begin something new, how long you’re going to try it, and if it doesn’t work out, when you’ll let it go and try something else. In general, setting up relatively short amounts of time, like a month or so, helps you feel less overwhelmed by new ways of doing things. For people with addictions, it often works best if they commit themselves to stay abstinent just one day at a time. Whatever you choose, try to stay with it for the allotted time.
  

Disappearing Distancers: Getting Started

If you’ve determined that you’re a disappearing distancer, then you know your major task is to put yourself into more “dating” situations. Or you may prefer to think about it as inviting yourself out into the world of available single people. How will you get over your fears, shyness, and self-doubt, and begin to do this?

The first question to ask yourself is what kind of person would you like to get to know? You can then think about the best ways to get acquainted with such people.

Or perhaps you already know someone you find attractive. The question for you is “How can I get to know this person better?”

Janine’s Story

Janine is a good role model for this category of distancer. She started by getting to know other women who had been dealing with similar challenges through participating in the ATRIUM group (Addictions and Trauma Recovery Model group) at the women’s community resource center. Then she took the risk of exploring a weekly meditation group where she got to know a variety of new people, including her friend Wyatt.

The next level of risk-taking for Janine was to initiate further contact with Wyatt outside of the weekly meditation group meetings. She wanted to feel safe, and not push herself to do anything too big too soon. When she thought about inviting Wyatt over to her apartment for a meal, her body told her in no uncertain terms that this was way too scary. Her stomach began hurting, and at the same time she felt cravings for some unhealthy snack foods that she had been successfully avoiding for more than a year. So, then she chose to use some of her support people to discuss her intentions. She met with several other women who she knew had more experience than she did with early dating options.

When Janine first invited Wyatt to do something alone with her, separate from the meditation group, she asked him if he wanted to go to a lecture given by a Tibetan meditation teacher. She had to laugh at herself when Wyatt readily agreed to it but suggested that they go with some of the other people from the morning coffee group.

Her next effort was a little more spontaneous. One beautiful morning she asked Wyatt if he wanted to go for a walk with her after the morning coffee gathering. She suggested taking a beautiful walk through the woods not far from where they met every week. Off they went, and to her delight it turned out that Wyatt could identify every birdcall they heard along the way, and even tried to imitate some especially tricky ones. By the end of the walk, they were laughing and relaxing with each other.

It was not hard to invite him to come for dinner the next time she saw him. But it took many months before she felt safe enough to want to become sexually intimate with him. She was able to tell Wyatt about her past experience of being raped. They talked for hours after she told him. Eventually, following a series of conversations, Janine gradually became able to be more physically comfortable with Wyatt. When they finally made love, it felt as easy and as safe as it had the first day he had held her hand when she’d cried about her grandmother.