Stuff White People Like (15 page)

If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do
not
expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands, although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.

Note: The addition of the drug Ecstasy changes everything.

68 Michel Gondry

When compiling the canon of directors that white people like, one must include Michel Gondry. He has directed such white classics as
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep,
and
Dave Chappelle’s Block Party.
Oh, that’s right, Charlie Kaufman, Gael García Bernal,
and
Dave Chappelle—could it get any better for white people? Oh yes, it could.

You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for the White Stripes, Massive Attack, and Björk. These are three acts that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.

Between the ages of 16 and 20, all white people go through a phase in which they aspire to become a music-video director. This is followed shortly by a phase in which they want to become a regular director. In both cases, they don’t want to produce generic content, they want to create art. As a result, the two directors who have achieved this (Spike Jonze is the other) are universally beloved by white people.

If you look at the DVD collection of a white person (even one without a TV), you will find
The Work of Director Michel Gondry.

This knowledge can be used to help find common ground with white people. Talk about how you wanted to direct music videos after you saw Michel Gondry’s video for “Around the World” by Daft Punk. Then make a joke about how foolish you were at that age, and everyone will have a good laugh. But they will also feel your pain about sacrificing your artistic dreams.

69 Mos Def

In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to kings and princes. These were the people they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with royal families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def.

He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (“He’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (“He was on Chappelle’s show!”), artistic (“Have you heard ‘Black on Both Sides’?”), an actor (“He’s in the new Gondry film!”), and not white (“I don’t see race”). He has done an amazing job of being in big-budget movies (
The Italian Job
) and having one of his songs (“Ms. Fat Booty”) become a white-person wedding staple but still retaining authenticity and credibility.

If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. That way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one-up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think, “I wish I had said that first.”

70 Difficult Breakups

Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long-term relationships that end very poorly. At some point you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.

The majority of white-person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps white people prepare for the pain that is coming.

Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person immediately becomes the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time they are permitted to talk at great length about themselves, listen to the Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think, “They shouldn’t be alone right now.”

It is imperative that you do not attempt to kick them out of their misery by saying things like “Get over it,” “There are other people out there,” or “I don’t want to read your poem.” Implying that there are things in the world more important to you than their breakup is considered one of the rudest actions possible.

If you are lucky enough to speak a second language, the best thing you can do for a white person in this situation is to give them an expression in that language that relates to breaking up. This will make them feel better since they are comforted by the gesture and happy to be learning a new expression that they can repeat to their friends.

71 Being the Only White Person Around

This concept ties heavily into #7, Diversity, and #19, International Travel, but it is important that you fully understand how white people view authenticity and experience.

In most situations, white people are very comforted by seeing their own kind. However, when they are eating at a new ethnic restaurant or traveling to a foreign nation, nothing spoils their fun more than seeing another white person.

Many white people will look into the window of an ethnic restaurant to see if there are other white people inside. It is determined to be an acceptable restaurant if the white people in there are accompanied by ethnic friends, but if there is a table occupied entirely by white people it is deemed unacceptable. The arrival of the “other white people” at either restaurants or vacation spots instantly means that lines will grow, authenticity will be lost, and the euphoria of being a cultural pioneer will be over.

Being aware of this can be extremely valuable in your efforts to gain the trust of white friends and co-workers. If you take a white person to an ethnic restaurant and another white person (or group of white people) shows up, you can lose all respect and trust that you have worked so hard to acquire. Do your best to find a table with a divider, or ask the waiter to put future white people out of sight.

Note: This does not apply to nightclubs.

72 Study Abroad

In addition to accumulating sexual partners, binge drinking, drug use, and learning, white people consider studying abroad to be one of the most important parts of a well-rounded college education.

Study abroad allows people to leave their current educational institution and spend a semester or a year in Europe or Australia. Though study abroad is offered to other places, these are the overwhelming favorites.

By attending school in another country, white people are technically living in another country. This is important, as it gives them the opportunity to insert that fact into any sentence they please. “When I used to live in [insert country], I would always ride the train to school. The people I’d see were inspiring.”

If you need to make up your own study-abroad experience, they all pretty much work the same way. You arrived in Australia not knowing anybody, you went out to the bar the first night and made a lot of friends, you had a short relationship with someone from a foreign country, you didn’t learn anything, and you acquired a taste for something (local food, beer, fruit). This latter point is important because you will need to be able to tell everyone how it is regrettably unavailable back home.

It is also important that you understand the study-abroad ranking system. Europe/Australia form the base level, then Asia, then South America, and finally the trump card, studying abroad in Tibet. Then there is the conversation killer of studying abroad—Africa. If you studied in Africa, it is usually a good idea to keep it quiet; it will remind white people that they were too scared to go and they will feel bad. Use this only in emergencies.

73 Gentrification

In general, white people love situations where they can’t lose. While this is already true for most of their lives, perhaps the safest bet a white person can make is to buy a house in an up-and-coming neighborhood.

White people like to live in these neighborhoods because they get credibility and respect from other white people for living in a more “authentic” neighborhood where they are exposed to “true culture” every day. So whenever their friends mention their homes in the suburbs or wealthier urban areas, these people can say, “Oh, it’s so boring out there, so fake. In our neighborhood, things are just more real.” This superiority is important as white people jockey for position in their circle of friends. They are like modern-day Lewises and Clarks, except that instead of searching for the ocean, they are searching for old houses to renovate.