Authors: TK Carter
She flexed her arms. “I work out.”
“Liar,” I chuckled. “What do you need help with?”
“You’ll see.” She held out her hand. “Come on.”
I took her hand and let her lead me to the shower. She turned it on. “Get naked, sister.”
I gaped, “Are you going to monitor me?”
“You wanna act like a crazy person? Hell yes, I’m going to monitor you.” She adjusted the water and asked, “Is that too hot?”
I put my hand in the water and sucked air through my teeth. “Geez, are you trying to boil me?”
“Nope, just trying to knock the funk off. There. Step on in.”
I slipped out of my t-shirt and pajama pants. “Will you at least turn around so I can tend to my maxi pad alone?”
She spun around. “Yeah, ‘cause I’ve never seen a bloody pad ever.”
I rolled my eyes, finished my business, and stepped into the shower. I sighed in spite of myself and groaned, “Mmm shower.”
Chance said, “I’m going to change your sheets. I’ll be right back.”
I stood under the water and let it roll over my head and face. Out of habit, I ran my hand over my now shrunken belly, and reality slapped me in the face. The baby was out in the world, and I was alone again. I adjusted the water to chase away the chill trying to settle on my skin and moved further under the showerhead.
Out with the sadness, in with peace. Out with sadness, in with peace
.
The baby wasn’t mine. I was a surrogate for Dani, and I did a good deed for a friend in need.
Out with the sadness, in with peace.
I sighed and thought about the house in Columbia. I never got the living room repainted. I should probably do that before I put it on the market.
My heart slammed in my chest. Dani and the baby live in that house, too. Dani planned on buying a house when we got back from Florida but hasn’t done it yet. Fuck. My pulse quickened as my breath halted in my lungs. I bent over and put my hands on my knees to keep from falling over. I squeaked, “Chance?”
She appeared in the door and pulled open the shower stall door. “Jesus, what’s wrong?”
I panted, “They live with me.”
“Yeah, honey, they do, but just for a few more weeks.”
I shook my head and spit out the water running over my mouth. “No. In Columbia. They live with me, Chance.”
“Wait right here, Lis. Take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be right back.”
I inhaled slowly and exhaled as I braced myself against the cool ceramic tile. Electric shocks coursed through my veins and exploded out my palms. I waved them around and took another deep breath as Chance reappeared.
“Here. Take this.” She put a pill in my hand. “Use the shower water to rinse it down.”
I popped the pill in my mouth and filled my mouth with hot shower water. I swallowed the pill and took another deep breath. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Panic attack, Lis. I used to have them all the time. Listen, okay? Just focus on one thing right now. You focus on breathing and listen to my instructions. Have you washed your hair yet?” I shook my head. “Okay, grab the shampoo bottle and squeeze shampoo into your hair.”
I took a deep breath and grabbed the bottle. “Geez, my hands are shaking.”
“I know, but they’ll stop soon, honey. Just focus on doing the next thing and don’t think. Right now, you’re just taking a shower. You’re not in Columbia, you’re not living with anyone, you’re just naked as a jaybird in front of your best friend who’s a little pissed that you gave birth a week ago and still have a better figure than she does.”
A half-laugh escaped my lips as I glanced at her. “You’re so full of shit.”
She shrugged. “My reality. Hair. Now.”
I rubbed the shampoo into my hair and took another deep breath.
Out with the panic, in with peace. Out with panic, in with peace.
I rinsed my hair and fell into my shower routine without Chance having to give instructions. I felt the pill take effect as my scalp tingled and all panic washed down the drain. I looked at her. “Oh, damn. I want a whole prescription of this shit right away.”
She laughed. “We’ll see what Dr. DeMario says. Maybe he can give you something to knock off the edge for a while. If not, I’ve still got my stash.”
“That’s highly illegal, you know.”
She raised her eyebrows and hands. “Just trying to help a sister out. You all done?”
I killed the water and took the towel from her hands. “Man, I love these towels. I need to get some of these for my new place.”
She tilted her head. “And where might that be?”
I said, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe some city that has a huge arch. That would be cool. Think one of those exist?”
She smiled. “I know of a city like that. You sure about this?”
I shook my head. “No, but that’s heavy on my mind.” I clenched my teeth to stop the prickling in my nose and eyes. I whispered, “I can’t stay there, Chance.”
She nodded. “I know, babe. I’d hug you, but it would be extremely awkward since you’re naked and wet. Rain check.” She stepped toward the door. “Do your thing with your junk and get dressed for a casual outing.”
“Where are Dani and the baby?”
She stared at me and frowned. “They’re either in Dani’s room or downstairs.”
I nodded and waved her on. “I got this.”
Chapter Forty-Four
Ready to Run
Chance
The baby. She called him the baby—she didn’t use his name. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or bad sign. I stepped into the hallway and peeked into Dani’s room before heading to my bedroom. They must be downstairs. Watching Alissa swirling down the drain broke my heart. Every attempt I made to get her to talk, get up, move, or go somewhere in the last week failed, so I knew I needed to do something drastic. Unfortunately, I’m probably going to be nursing a sore back for the next week. If she snaps out of it, I’ll consider it worthwhile.
I slipped into my room and saw Dani sitting on my bed. “Holy shit, you scared me half to death.”
She stared at the baby monitor in her hand. “Have you ever felt like you’ve gained and lost everything at the same time?”
I exhaled slowly and inched toward the bed. “Only every day of my life, sister.”
She glanced up and half smiled. “How is she?”
“She’s . . . uh . . . she’s up and moving. I made her get up. She wasn’t happy about that.”
“No, I imagine not.”
I sat next to her on the bed and patted her leg. “Out with it.”
She shook her head. “What’s done can’t be undone and I hate myself for it.”
And there it is. “Dani . . .”
“I’ve gained my life’s dream, and I’ve lost my best friend. Not only have I lost her,
she’s
lost herself. I should have known, Chance. I should have known when she offered to let me adopt Tristan that she hadn’t thought it through. All the snap decisions, the bad outcomes, and regrets that came later. I should have known. This guilt is consuming me, Chance. I already love him in a way I’ve never felt and I will devote every breath to him for the rest of my life.”
“Then you know why she went through with it, honey.”
“But at what expense to her? Look at her. Have you ever seen her so destroyed? She hasn’t left that room since we got home. I’m right down the hall from my best friend and I can’t even talk to her.”
“Why not?”
She leveled her eyes at me. “I’ve been walking on broken glass around her since we moved to Florida. She tolerates me at best. I know how she feels about me, about this situation, and it’s tearing me apart.”
“What do you suggest, Dani?
“It’s not like I can return him like a borrowed pair of shoes, Chance. I’m in a no-win situation. We all are. She made a snap decision based off years of feelings she can’t face, and I let her. I
let
her follow through with this. Any minute, I could have backed out and been the doting aunt, but I really thought this was what she wanted. I’m ready to be a mother. I craved the opportunity to be a mother, and when the chance presented itself, I took it. She
never
wanted to be a mother, Chance, she was repulsed by the idea. It seemed like such a logical solution, but as time passed and I saw her struggling—going out to the ocean every morning, coming back looking like she’d been crying, avoiding eye contact—and I didn’t do a damn thing about it, Chance.”
“Dani, I don’t know what to say. About
any
of it. I think in time all of this is going to work out.”
She whispered, “I miss my friend. I want to show her my baby and take pictures and oogle over him like normal friends do. I want to share this amazing experience with her, but then reality slams into place as I think of how razor sharp that will feel to her, watching me fawn over the baby she just gave up. I feel like I’m grieving. Like she’s died, and I can’t even talk to her anymore, but she’s in the very next room.”
“Give her some time, honey. Everything she’s been through and tried to avoid just slammed into her like a freight train. Please try not to take it personally, because she loves you very much. If she didn’t, there’s no way she would have gone through with it.”
“I think that’s what kills me the most. Alissa is loyal to a fault and would rather break her own heart than hurt someone she loves.”
“I think when Lis made this decision, she knew it was going to suck for a while, then she’d get over it. When she weighed that against the drastic change her life would have, she made the best decision she could.”
“But, Chance, she would be a great mother.”
I nodded. “Yes, she would. But so will you. You’ll be the mom that organizes and attends every school party, sits in stifling heat during little league, makes hot cocoa on snowy afternoons and waits up till curfew to kiss him good night. You’ve already said it, Dani. You’ll devote every minute of your life to him and Alissa’s not wired like that, and she knows it. We were talking about this one day. She said she’s the kind of person who would be making time in her schedule to be home with him, and you’d be the mom that scheduled your life around him. She said she was afraid she’d grow to resent him, but you would savor every minute.
She smiled and nodded. “I
am
going to rock this.”
“Yes, you will, honey. Just give her time to come around, okay? In the meantime, maybe you could reach out more to the mother twins in Missouri and let them be your outlet for Tristan. And of course, I’m always here.”
“I know. But I also know that you’re in mama-bear mode with Alissa, so—”
“Hey, I’m still your friend, too. She’s got me worried sick but I’m still here for you.”
Tristan fussed through the monitor and Dani stood. “I’m on duty, again. Thanks, Chance, I really mean that.”
“I know you do. Hopefully after today, she’ll start morphing back into her old self again.”
Dani left the room and I threw myself on the bed. I stared at the ceiling and wondered if anything I just said to Dani was true. Alissa would have been a great mom if she’d given herself a chance, but it was too late now to prevent the milk from spilling.
I unplugged my phone and checked my texts. Michelle and Katie had been rapid-firing texts all week asking about Alissa. I asked them not to come to Florida right now, and they didn’t take it well to say the least. Especially since they both had free tickets burning holes in their pockets. But, I know if they show up oogling over Tristan, Alissa will flip a script. I lied to Lis and told her they couldn’t make it work with their families. We’re in preservation mode right now, and I can’t take the risk of Alissa going off the deep end. One Michelle in the group is enough. I updated them and said she was finally getting out of bed and going out with me today.
Alissa appeared in my doorway. “Okay, I’m ready for our big outing.”
Oh, god, did she hear any of that
? I turned and smiled. “Wow, you look great! You look so normal.”
“Weird, isn’t it?” She rubbed her stomach and said, “I still look pregnant.”
“Not nearly as pregnant as you were, though.”
We walked downstairs and headed for the coffee pot. Dani walked around the corner with Tristan in her arms. “Chance, will you— Alissa. You’re up.”
Alissa shrugged. “Chance threatened me.”
“It’s good to see you.” Dani smiled.
I studied Alissa’s face and waited for my moment to intervene, but she did fine. She smiled and said, “We’re heading out for the day. Need anything?”
“No, I think we’re good.” She patted Tristan’s back and stared at the counter.
“Text if you change your mind.” Alissa looked at me and said, “Ready?”
I nodded and waved at Dani. “We’ll be back later.”
Over the next two weeks, Alissa found reason after reason to leave the house—shopping at the same boutiques we’d visited three times in one week just to see if they had new merchandise, running to the grocery store for one thing at a time, going to lunch on the coast to try new drinks and watch the ocean. It was hard to watch her virtually snub Dani and Tristan as she snuck into her own reality pretending it was just her and me on a fabulous vacation in Florida. And, I couldn’t keep up with her drinking, though I gave it the old college try.
I played moderator between Dani and Alissa and reassured Dani that Lis was just in a funk and would come around, but Dani’s own guilt was eating her alive. Not only did she feel like she’d stolen Alissa’s baby, she felt she’d lost her best friend. And what do you say to that? We had ten days until we left Naples and started our cross-country journey back to the Midwest, and yes, I was counting down. While I would miss my oceanfront sunsets and the freedom of having no schedule, I missed Tony, and I wanted to start my life with him. As much as that scared the shit out of me. I guess it goes without saying I’m giving up my third floor apartment and life in Columbia to join Tony in St. Louis. I guess Miss Miriam O’Bannon shit kittens when she heard Tony married me and turned tyrant on the set. The clock’s ticking on the old girl, and her services will no longer be required when I make it back to Missouri. I can’t say that doesn’t make me giggle—a lot.
So, it looks like I’m going to get my happy ending after all.
One Week Later
Alissa
I woke up just before sunrise and slipped down the stairs, through the door, and out to watch the sunrise again. I’m going to miss this beach for the rest of my life even though I never want to see it again. A new sunrise offers a new beginning, and that’s what I’m counting on today. Dr. DeMario said yesterday during my four-week checkup I’m good to go, so that’s what I’m doing. Time to put all this behind me and start moving again.
I inhaled the morning air and exhaled the mistakes, regrets, and sorrow of yesterday as I wiped the tears from my face. I nodded at the sun and smiled at my faithful friend as it warmed me with its sunbeam hug. I slid my feet deep into the sand and wiggled my toes. No. No more standing still. No more sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I kicked my feet free and headed back to the house.
I thought I was strong enough to do this. I planned it to perfection, prepared myself for every possible scenario and like always, it backfired. I never expected to love the baby as much as I did. Someone I’d never met and held only once. When Dani put him in my arms in the hospital, every cell in my body longed to keep him right there forever. I had to shut it down—had to shut them out. It was the only way to keep from dropping to my knees and begging Dani to reconsider our agreement. And, I couldn’t break her heart. This was her once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Maybe someday I’ll think about having another baby. I always have that option. Dani doesn’t.
Maybe Mom was right to move as much as she did. Maybe the excitement of a new beginning will be a good distraction, and I can put this whole mess behind me. I always thought she was a coward for running from her problems, but now I think I get it. I see how strong she was, how empowering it is to reclaim yourself after being devastated when life doesn’t go as planned. At least I’m not dragging a litter of children along behind me. At least this time, it’s just my heart that’s broken.
I retrieved the suitcases I’d hidden in the downstairs closet last night, pulled my overnight bag over my shoulder and headed to the driveway where my cab was waiting.
Chance
I buried my face in the pillow and regretted not closing the drapes before bed last night. That morning sun was brutal. I reached for my phone to check the time and found a note draped across it.
My dearest friend,
Pretty sure you’re going to be pissed when you wake up, not like you aren’t always pissed when you wake up. Ha-ha. I think we both know I’m not doing so hot with all this, so I’m taking off for a while. I can’t go back to Columbia—we both know that. Tell Dani she can stay in the house as long as she wants and to let me know if there’s anything she needs. Ship home anything of the baby’s she wants to keep and let me know how much it costs. I’m sorry to bail on you and the trip home, but I’m sure you get it.
Not really sure where I’m going at the moment. I thought of going out to see my mom and sisters. Or maybe I’ll see what Southern hospitality is like. Maybe I’ll meet some dashing Southern boy who will teach me to shoot from the tailgate of his pick-up truck. Ha ha, can you imagine? You and Tony deserve time to get the rest of your life started, and you don’t need to babysit me any longer. Don’t worry. I’m leaving breadcrumbs and will be in St. Louis before you know it.
I’ll call you later for my ass chewing. Don’t be mad at me, Chance. Gotta keep moving, right?
I love you,
Lis
I threw back the covers and scrambled down the hallway to Alissa’s room. It looked just as it had the day we squealed our way through the house with jaws dropped and laid claim to our space. She was gone. I wandered down the hall with the letter in my hand and peered into Dani’s cracked door. She sat in the rocking chair feeding Tristan a bottle and looking at the little guy with complete adoration. A lump formed in my throat as I shared this intimate moment with them and felt my heart break as I wondered how many times Alissa had done this same thing over the last four weeks.
I slipped back to my room and threw open the doors to my balcony hoping to see Alissa down on the beach. If she wasn’t gone yet, maybe I could talk her out of it. Maybe I could convince her to hang on just a little longer.
Or maybe she’d finally broke and had to run.
She was always good at that. But she always finds her way back.