The Color Of Her Panties (20 page)

“Well, only if you were chosen.  But you weren't, so it doesn't matter. Well, good night.” Sofia departed.

Mela and Ida rearranged the pillows, doffed their new clothing, and soon settled down.  But Okra remained in a morass of emotions.  She had had a chance to be a major character-and someone else had homed in!  That elf had gotten it.  She could smell the traces of Jenny Elf, who had been here.  She smelled like no ordinary elf, because there was no particular elf scent associated with her.  That was odd.  But it made her easy to identify.  Okra would not forget that scent.

Slowly a thought percolated through her ogre brain.  Her Question for the Good Magician had already been half answered.  Jenny Elf had gotten the status that might have been Okra's.  But if something happened to that elf, then there would be only one person to have that status:  Okra herself.

How could she get rid of Jenny Elf?  That was now her Question.

In the morning they got up, dressed, and joined Sofia for a breakfast of pease porridge.  Some of the peas were hot and some were cold and some looked as if they had been in the pot for some time.  “This is just right for eating, now,” Sofia said, confirming Okra's impression.

“It is exactly nine days old.”

Mela picked out some hot peas, and Ida selected cold ones.  But Okra liked those that were nine days old.

At last it was time to see the Good Magician Humfrey.

Sofia ushered them into the smallest, dingiest, most crowded chamber of the castle.  There, almost lost amidst the piled tomes, was an old gnarled gnome of a man.  This was Himself.

He looked up.  “What do you want?” he demanded grumpily.

They hesitated.  Then Mela spoke.  “We-we have Questions, sir.”

“Don't call me sir!” he snapped.

“No, your majesty.”

“Don't call me that either.  In fact don't call me anything.  It only wastes time.”

“Uh, yes,” Mela agreed, out of sorts.

“Well, get on with it,” he grumped.

Mela took a breath, which was impressive even in her clothing.  “How can I find a suitable husband?” she asked.

He squinted at her appraisingly.  “By that you mean a nice, handsome, manly, and intelligent prince who is partial to sea creatures, of course.”

“Of course,” she echoed.

He looked at Ida.  “And you?”

Ida was startled by the abruptness of his attention.  “I seek my destiny.  I-”

“Yes, yes, everybody does,” he said.  His gaze oriented on Okra.  “You, ogress?”

“How can I get rid of Jenny Elf?” Okra asked boldly.

Mela and Ida were appalled.  “You can't do that,” Mela said.  “She's a major character.”

“If there's a way, he should know it,” Okra said.

“There is a way,” Humfrey agreed.  “There's always a way.  There are Answers for all three of you.  But I have decided not to give them, on the grounds that it would be counterproductive.  Now go away and let me get my work done.”

“But-” the three said together.

“The Good Magician has Spoken,” Sofia said gently.

“There's no arguing with him when he's like that.  You will have to go.”

“Now wait a minute,” Mela said indignantly.  “We had to go through the challenges, and we got thoroughly gunked up in your smelly freshwater moat.  At least tell us a better why.”

The Magician ignored her.  “Please, don't aggravate him,” Sofia urged.

“He's difficult enough already.”

“At least a hint,” Ida said.  “I'm sure he could spare that much.”

“Yes,” Okra agreed.

The Magician looked up, but did not speak.

“Yes, a hint,” Mela said.  “Or else.

Humfrey scowled.  “Or else what?”

“Or else I'll show you my panty,” Mela said.  She turned around and put one hand on her skirt.  “And freak you out.”

“Oh!” Sofia exclaimed, appalled.

The Good Magician seemed almost to smile.  “Then go see Nada Naga.” He returned to his musty tome.

Sofia bustled them out.  “What a disaster,” she muttered.

“Well, at least we did get a hint,” Ida said.

“But he'll be insufferably grumpy for a week!” Sofia said.  “Oh, why did this have to happen on my watch?”

“I'm sorry,” Mela said.  “I suppose I shouldn't have threatened him.  But he wasn't being nice.”

“He's never nice.  And he always has reason.  There must be some calamity that will happen if you three get your Answers.”

“What's wrong with my getting a prince to marry?”

Mela asked.

“And my finding my destiny?” Ida asked.

“And my getting rid of Jenny Elf?” Okra asked.

Sofia looked at her.  “That last I can answer, I think. Jenny is a nice girl.  She doesn't deserve bad treatment.”

“I don't want to treat her bad,” Okra said.  “I just want to be rid of her, so I can be a Major Character.  Maybe she could go back to where she came from.”

“I don't know,” Sofia said.  Then she bustled them on out of the castle.

They had definitely overstayed their welcome.

Godiva led the way into Goblin Mountain.

Che had visited here with Gwenny several times in the past two years, but this was different, because he was aware of a muted hostility in the other goblins which hadn't been there before.  They knew that he was Gwenny's companion, and that she was first in line to be the new chief, and the goblin men feared and loathed that notion.  The goblin women might feel otherwise, but they would not dare evince even half a scintilla of support for fear of retribution if Gwenny didn't achieve the office.  Gwenny, was essentially alone, for now, except for her mother and Che and Jenny Elf.

In Godiva's pleasant suite they had a proper meal (no tsoda popka) while she acquainted them with the situation.

“It seems that when my husband died, in the general confusion Gobble was able to sneak into his father's chambers.  He went there to steal anything of value he might find, of course, trusting that no one would notice.  But he got something far more treacherous than mere objects. Gouty had a dragon's ear.”

“A dragon's ear!” Che exclaimed.

She glanced at him.  “I see you understand.  A dragon's ear can be used to hear things magically, when properly applied.  Exactly what is heard varies with the species, and sometimes with the dragon.  Little is known about this, of course, because dragons' ears are hard to come by.  But some ears will hear anything spoken about the one who is listening with the ear.  Some will tune in to any spoken dialogue within a certain range.  Some will attune to one particular person, and overhear what he says and nothing else; others will hear only what is said to him.

Gouty's ear was of the limited-subject type:  it could overhear whatever was spoken in Goblin Mountain on a particular subject.”

“What subject?” Gwenny asked.

“Whatever subject the listener wished.  I believe Gouty used it to tune in on conspiracies against him.  Only now do I comprehend how he had such uncanny ability to discover such plots, as he had never seemed unduly intelligent.  I despised him, of course, but I always supported him because it was the proper thing to do.  Obviously he knew that, because of the ear; he allowed me more power than is normally given a woman, and supported my effort to obtain a companion for my daughter, because he knew that I intended him no harm.  Also because it gave him more time to play with other women during my absence.”

She glanced at Che.  “But the companion was what was essential, whatever the cost.  You of course know how that particular endeavor worked out.”

“I know,” Che agreed.

Godiva paused as if gathering herself for something unpleasant.  Then she continued.  “Gobble found that ear.  He had it for only an hour before he was discovered and relieved of it.  But in that time the damage was done, for he has always had an unerring nose for the worst possible mischief.  I think you can surmise to what subject he tuned it.”

“The Adult Conspiracy!” Jenny exclaimed.

“Exactly.  You might suppose that a single hour would not be enough, but it is with a dragon's ear.  Gobble evidently did not learn the nuances or the rationale, but he did learn the forbidden words.” She glanced at Gwenny.

“I understand that you have now joined the Conspiracy.”

“The Good Magician required it,” Gwenny said.  “All three of us learned it.  Actually we didn't learn the forbidden words, just the-the essential nature of it.”

“You will recognize the words the moment you hear them.  They are superficial, but to those of a certain, shall we say, mind-set, they are overwhelmingly important.

Certainly they have power, and this power should never be abused.

Naturally our menfolk do frequently abuse it.”

“Naturally,” Gwenny agreed without irony.

“Gobble learned the words, and now threatens to shout them at the children of Goblin Mountain, as I mentioned.

That would of course do them incalculable harm, and perhaps destroy the integrity of the Adult Conspiracy itself.

This cannot be allowed.”

“It cannot,” Gwenny echoed, her dark face pale.

“But how can he be stopped?” Jenny asked.

“I have a plan,” Godiva said.  “But I think only you, Gwenny, can put it into action, because you are the only one who has any vestige of nominal authority over Gobble.  You are technically his elder sibling.  He does not see it that way, but the men of Goblin Mountain dare not gainsay it.

I dread giving you this terrible duty, but I see no other way.”

Che saw Gwenny swallow, and knew she dreaded it also.  “I will try, Mother.  What is your plan?”

“You must take the magic wand that only I and your grandmother Goldy know how to use.  I will show you its secret.  With it you will be able to hoist any person or thing into the air and move it where you wish.

That should suffice to control Gobble physically, for a while.”

“But he will still be able to speak the words,” Gwenny said.  “I won't be able to keep him from the children very long.  And when it is time for the new chief to be selected all the goblins of the mountain will be present, including the children, and he will be able to freak out everyone who isn't in the Conspiracy.”

“I know that, dear.  But that is only the first step.  You must travel through the deepest caves to where there is an offshoot of the darkest river of all, called Lethe.”

“Lethe!” Che exclaimed.  “The river of forgetfulness!

Godiva glanced at him appreciatively.  “I see you are developing centaur knowledge.  Yes, it is that river.  It is dangerous, for a person who finds it and drinks can forget his way home.  In fact he can forget his whole life, if he overdoses.  But properly used, this enchanted water can cause selective forgetting, and that is what we want in this case.”

“To make Gobble forget the words he learned!” Gwenny said.

“Even so.  You must take him there, sprinkle him with just a few drops of Lethe water, and say the words you wish him to forget.  Then he will be harmless.”

“Why not just dunk him in the river so that he forgets everything, and can't even be chief?” Jenny asked.

Godiva shook her head.  “That is not allowed.  Gobble is illicit in birth and manner, but he is Gouty's child and must be protected by all goblins of the mountain.  Gwendolyn must not begin her chiefship with a crime against the succession.  The same law that gives her authority over her half brother requires her to protect him from harm.

This treatment with Lethe water is part of that; his mind has been warped and must be restored.”

“But how do I find that river?” Gwenny asked, evidently daunted by the prospect.

“Sammy can find it!” Jenny said.  “Only-”

“Only he can't find home again,” Che finished.  “But I have a good memory.  Once there, I will know the way back.”

“But I wasn't asking the two of you to take this horrible risk!” Gwenny said.  “This is something I must do myself.”

“I am your companion,” Che said firmly.  “I shall not desert you in your hour of need.”

“And I am Che's companion,” Jenny said.  “And Sammy is mine.  We are all with you, Gwenny, until you are chief.  After that you will be able to dismiss us if you wish to.  I will be going to the Good Magician's castle anyway.

“In my place,” Gwenny said.  “I already owe you so much!  I just can't ask you to risk your life this way!”

“And you didn't ask us to,” Che said.  “We decided.”

Jenny nodded agreement.

Godiva looked at him.  “You are the truest of companions, Che.  Because of you my daughter has had two years of life on the surface which has surely been a delight for her, and has received an excellent education.”

She glanced at the elf.  “And because of you, Jenny, she now has her magic lenses and a way to find the River Lethe.  I have not yet properly demonstrated my appreciation, but I shall do so in due course.”

“And so will I, somehow,” Gwenny said, her eyes glistening.  The lenses she wore were invisible; her eyes seemed entirely natural and beautiful.

In fact the whole of her was the same.  He remembered how nice it had been to kiss her, even in play.  With his new understanding of the Adult Conspiracy, he realized why that was.  Of course theirs would always be what the elder centaurs called a platonic friendship, because they were of different species, and crossbreeding was frowned on.  His granddam Chem had scandalized the centaur community when she bred with Xap the hippogryph to produce the winged centaur filly Chex.  The goblins had been similarly scandalized when Glory Goblin had married Hardy Harpy and the stork had brought them Gloha, the winged goblin girl.  But there was more reason than scandal:  he had a duty to preserve and extend the species that had come into being.  But where would he ever find a winged centaur filly?

Che hauled himself back from the nebulous clouds of speculation to reality and turned to Godiva.  “I assume that Gobble will be helpless as long as the wand keeps him floating, away from any handholds.  But I suspect this trip to the River Lethe will be arduous.  What happens when the tunnels become too narrow to keep him away from the walls?  What happens when we have to sleep?

How do we feed him without having him grab on to us?”

“I do not know the full route, but I know how it begins,” Godiva replied.  “There is a great vent in the stone, a veritable nether chasm.

Only with the help of the wand will you be able to cross that.  Once you are across, Gobble will not be able to return alone, and he will know it.

Then you will be able to give him some freedom, because he will depend on you.  He will of course try to steal the wand when you sleep, but he will not be able to use it.

So that aspect should be satisfactory.  No, what concerns me more is the danger of the Lethe itself, and of those dread deep caverns.  You will have to start by traversing callicantzari caves.”

“The callicantzari!” Gwenny cried, horrified.  Che knew why:  those creatures were like huge, stretched-out goblins with their muscles tied on backwards, and they cooked and ate any creature they caught.  They were so bad that even the goblins loathed and feared them.

“And perhaps worse beyond,” Godiva said.  “I shall not minimize the risk, my daughter, because you must understand it before you undertake it.  I fear you may never return.  But if you do, you will be fit to lead this tribe.  Of that, no one but Gobble will doubt.  You must consider whether you would prefer to give up this ambition and go into exile, allowing Gobble to become chief.  I am sure the centaur family will accept you.”

“It will,” Che said.  He could not say more; this was Gwenny's decision.

“Oh, I wish my father had waited a few more years to die!” Gwenny cried with no pretense of affection for the departed.  “I am not ready for this!” Then her pretty jaw firmed.  “But I will do it.  I must save our tribe's children from violation of the Adult Conspiracy, and I must save Goblin Mountain from the horror of Gobble's chiefship.

But most of all, I must fulfill the destiny for which I came to be:  to lead the goblins into decency.  If I possibly can.”

“I had almost hoped you would choose otherwise,” Godiva said.  “Come, then; I will take you aside and attune the wand to you.“ She glanced at Che and Jenny.

“No offense; if Gwendolyn then chooses to inform you of its secret, that will be her privilege.  But I must keep the covenant I made with my own mother.”

“Naturally,” Che said.  The only way to keep a secret was to keep it, and much of the wand's power lay in the fact that no illicit party could use it.  Smash Ogre had discovered the key to the wand and given it to Goldy Goblin, long ago, and it had served her and her daughter well ever since.

There was food and beverage on the table.  While Gwenny and her mother were away, Che and Jenny sampled them.  “Hey-this is tsoda popka!“

Jenny exclaimed, tasting from a bottle.  “Do you think we should-?”

“We're not children anymore, technically,” he reminded her regretfully.  “We have to set a good example. No more food fights.”

“Too bad,” she agreed.

Gwenny returned, holding the wand.  “Now I must test this,” she said wickedly.  She pointed the wand at Jenny., and Jenny rose into the air.

Then Jenny descended and the wand pointed at Che.  He rose up, made a little circle, and dropped back to his hooves.  The wand evidently worked.

“Now to use it on Gobble,” Gwenny said.  “This is going to be unpleasant, but I have to do it now, before he realizes.  Mother will see to it that the children are confined so he can't corrupt them.  We shall have to depart immediately.  Mother is fixing us packs with food and tools.”

“Grab a bite to eat,” Che recommended.  “It may be long before you have another chance.”

Gwenny smiled and did so.  Then she led the way through the labyrinth of the mountain toward Gobble's chamber.

“He is gorging himself on cookies while waiting for everyone to agree that he must be chief tomorrow,” she said “I don't think he even realizes that I'm back, and if he does, he doesn't care.  He thinks he has the ultimate weapon.”

“He did,” Che said.  “Until you decided to nullify it.”

Jenny picked up Sammy and carried him on her shoulder.  Che trotted along behind.  He knew this was not going to be pleasant business.

They came to a tunnel where goblins were carrying baskets of cookies.

There was no need to ask for whom those were.  They followed a cookie totter into a chamber.

There was the twelve-year-old goblin boy, sitting in the middle of a pile of cookies, tossing them into the air and watching them crumble as they struck the floor.  He must have eaten all he could hold, but couldn't give up the notion, so was wasting the rest.  Only a real brat would do such a thing, but he was of course the realest brat available.

Gwenny went to stand before him.  “Gobble, I have come to put a stop to this, she said.

“Oh, hi, sis,” he said.  “Wanna know what I think of you.

“No.  Come with me, please.”

“I think you're a crummy %%%.”

There was a horrified intake of breath from a gobliness who happened to be passing by.  Several cookies spoiled around the edges.  The jaw of a male goblin dropped.  Jenny Elf, who derived from a foreign culture, looked sickened.