The Color Of Her Panties (34 page)

“Thank you,” Gwenny said, as if the issue had never been in doubt.  She faced Gobble.  “Get out of here, brat.

I hereby banish you from Goblin Mountain.  If you ever return, the first goblin who sees you will kill you, or suffer the consequence himself.”

Gobble got up and attempted some bravado.  “You can't do this!  I'll get you!”

“If you don't leave immediately, I might change my mind about letting you live,” Gwenny said evenly.

The brat hesitated.  Then Okra took a step toward him.

Gobble quickly fled.

Gwenny acted as if the brat had never existed.  “Moron!” she snapped.

Moron came forward, somewhat apprehensively.  “Yes, chief.”

“I appoint you Head Honcho,” Gwenny said.  “All these henchmen will answer to you.  You will keep order in Goblin Mountain, and report to me alone.”

“Gee,” Moron said, abashed.

“We have to report to that slug?” a henchman demanded incredulously.

Then he sailed into the air.  Ida saw that Godiva was using her wand.

“You have a problem with that?” Gwenny inquired.

The henchman sailed over a stalagmite near the edge of the main chamber, and hovered over the sharp stone point.

“N-no problem,” the goblin said quickly.

“Are you sure?” Gwenny asked sweetly.

The henchman descended toward the stalagmite, butt first.  “Quite sure, %%%%!“ he muttered.

“I don't think I heard that,” Gwenny said.

The goblin landed on the tip.  “NO PROBLEM!” he bellowed.

“I am so glad you got the point,” Gwenny said.

Only then did he nudge off the stone column and come to rest gently on the floor, rubbing his posterior.

For some reason none of the other henchmen expressed any problems either.

“Idiot,” Gwenny said, and that goblin came forward.

“I am placing you in charge of Intelligence.”

“Uh-what's that word?” Idiot asked blankly.

“Spying,” she said.  “You will make sure that there are no spies in Goblin Mountain.  You will give any you find a bath.”

“A bath?”

“You will keep a big pot of water here, which you will heat to boiling, “ she explained.  “ For the bath.

He began to get a glimmer.  He glanced at the henchmen.  “But how will I know who's a spy?”

“That's easy.  It is anyone who says a word against the new chief, or any friends of the chief.  Or who does anything that might reflect adversely on Goblin Mountain.”

“Might what?”

“Look bad,” she clarified.  “Dirty deeds.  Dirty words.”

“Actually, those henchmen already look sort of dirty to me,” he said.

“And I think I heard a dirty word in the mouth of one of them.” He glanced meaningfully at the one who had said “%%%%.”

“Then set up the pot and give them a cold bath,“ she said.  “That should clean them off.  Use soap to wash out their mouths.  If that doesn't do it, heat the water.  I'm sure they will Unprove as it warms.”

Ida saw that Gwenny had a fair notion of how to enforce her leadership.

Probably her mother had instructed her.

Idiot set about the job with gusto.  A huge kettle floated in, no doubt assisted by Godiva's wand.  Goblins started carrying buckets of water to dump into it, and bars of soapstone.  There would not be much spying in Goblin Mountain after this day.

“Imbecile,” Gwenny said, and the third goblin approached.  “I am appointing you the Foreign Relations Officer.  You will make arrangements to meet with representatives of the other folk of the neighborhood, such as the Flower Elves, the griffins, and especially the naga.

We are henceforth going to live in peace with them all.”

“In peace?” he asked, amazed.

“And cooperation.  We may even trade goods with them.

If any doubt, I will go personally to clarify the new order.”

A new figure appeared.  It was a huge snake.  It formed a handsome human head.  “Hear, hear!” it exclaimed.

“Naldo Naga!  “ Che exclaimed.  “You found us!”

“A bit late, I am afraid,” Naldo agreed.  “There was some difficulty with a sign.  I turned around as soon as I realized.  Where is the opposing champion?”

“He departed,” Gwenny said.  “That was Smithereen Ogre.”

“Oh, that must have been the one I saw crashing through trees and mountains.  I asked him where he was going, and he said he didn't remember.  So I asked him where he was coming from, and he said he was fleeing a cute ogress.”

“That was me,” Okra said.  “I beat him by kissing him.” Yet she looked sad rather than happy.

Naldo glanced at her.  “He said that ogress wasn't very ugly or stupid, but she had a secret weapon that destroyed his will to fight.  I think you impressed him.”

“Oh!” Okra said, thrilled.

Naldo turned back to Gwenny.  “So it is done?  You are now chief of Goblin Mountain?”

“Yes, thanks to you,” Gwenny said.  “You sent Mela, Ida, and Okra to rescue us, and then Okra won the final challenge for me.  I owe them all so much, and you too!”

“I don't think so,” Naldo said.  “I believe the scales are even, now.”

“But without their help, I would never have made it!”

“Bear with me,” Naldo said.  “If you will allow me to explain, I think I can satisfy everyone.” He glanced around.  “And if you will post a lookout, I am expecting another person shortly.  She should be treated with respect.”

“By all means.” Gwenny sent a goblin off to keep an eye out for the person.  Then they gathered in a corner of the chamber, so as to be away from the clamor of the ongoing goblin bath.

Naldo coiled his serpentine body and addressed those around him.  “These three,” he said, indicating Mela, Okra, and Ida herself, “came to the Good Magician Humfrey to ask their Questions.  Instead of answering, he sent them to my sister, the Princess Nada Naga, who sent them on to me.

When I talked with them, I realized why the Good Magician acted as he did, and I did what I had to do.”

“You sent us to the Simurgh!“ Ida said.  “And she sent us to rescue Che Centaur.  You said you would grant all our wishes, if we did.”

“Precisely.  Now I shall do that.” Naldo looked at Okra.

“It is your desire to become a major character.”

“Yes,” Okra said.  “And you did give me the chance; I see that now.  But I threw it away, because I didn't get rid of Jenny Elf.”

“You saved me!” Jenny said.  “I would have been destroyed, but you stepped in and beat the ogre!”

“You sacrificed what you perceived to be your own welfare, for the sake of one you didn't want to help,” Naldo said to Okra.  “Why did you do that?”

“Well, it just wasn't right to have a blind person fight an ogre,” Okra said.  “And I saw that Gwenny did need to be chief.  So I just had to do it.  I know I messed up, but I guess I just didn't want to get what I wanted that way.  But maybe it's not so bad being a minor character.

Maybe I can work something out with Smithereen.”

“Maybe you can,” Naldo said.  “But that will be another story.  In this story you do achieve your desire, Okra.”

Okra shook her head, confused.  Ida was confused too.

“I told you, I gave it up,” Okra said.

“And I told you that you didn't,” Naldo said.  “It may have been true that there was an opening for a particular major character, and that Jenny Elf got it.  But new openings occur all the time.  The thing is, they are not just given out to those who want them.  If that were true, every Mundane would be overrunning Xanth; we'd have Mundanes clogging the drains.  So few have the chance, and fewer are called.  I saw that you had a chance, but only if you qualified, and the only way you could qualify was by doing something noble, so that others would want to see you as a major character.  That is why the Good Magician did not answer you; he knew that you did not want the thing you asked for, and that you could achieve your true desire only if you acted appropriately without knowing its significance.  You could not act unselfishly if you knew the reward for it.  You had to remain ignorant until your chance came.  I gave you that chance, and it seems you came through.  You earned your status.”

“I did?” Okra asked, bemused.

“You acted selflessly, and did a truly good deed at great risk to yourself.  You saved Jenny Elf, and won the chiefship for Gwendolyn Goblin.  In those actions you became a major character.” He bowed his head, briefly.  “I salute you, Okra Ogress, and congratulate you on the charmed life which will now be yours.”

“Can this be true?” Okra asked dazedly.

Jenny Elf went to her.  “Oh, yes, that's the way it works.” She kissed Okra on the cheek.

“Jenny knows,” Naldo said.  “She routinely does similar things.  She is about to go to give a year's service to the Good Magician, which she undertook on behalf of her friend Gwenny.

Decency and generosity are the hallmarks of major characterdom.  Perhaps the two of you can be friends, now.”

“Oh, I'm sure they can!“ Ida said enthusiastically as the two looked at each other.

“And you, Ida Human,” Naldo said, turning to her.

“You may be the most remarkable case I've seen.  You sought your destiny-but your destiny was beyond your dreams.  You, too, had to remain ignorant, if you were to achieve it, so the Good Magician also declined to answer you.  Instead he gave you the same chance he gave Okra.”

“But what is my destiny?” Ida asked, as bemused as Okra had been.

Naldo turned to Che Centaur.  “What do you think it is?” he asked.

“Why, I don't know,” Che said, surprised.

“But you have an idea.  Come on-I know you do, because I see it reflected in Ida.  You have conjectured.”

“Well, we only made idle guesses,” Che said, “when I was about to set off to find a champion.  We speculated how she might be a princess, or somebody's twin, or have a Sorceress-caliber magic talent.  But it didn't mean anything.”

“It means everything,” Naldo said firmly.  “I suspected it the moment I saw her, but I couldn't figure why the Good Magician had declined to tell her.  So I assumed that the two aspects of three were fixed, but that the third required special handling, just as was the case with Okra's major character status.  That premature telling would spoil it.

So I postponed answering until I could verify it-and now I have.  Ida is all those things.”

“What?” Ida squeaked, thrilled and appalled.  “A princess?  A twin?  With a strong talent?  I've never shown any sign of-”

“I asked a friend to come here,” Naldo said.  “After she made sure it was safe, of course.  She should be arriving just about now.”

Indeed, the posted goblin appeared.  Behind him was a cloaked figure.  It seemed to be a woman.  Her face could not be seen behind the thick veil, yet she looked oddly familiar.  She came to stand before Naldo, remaining anonymous.

“Ida,” Naldo said, “your destiny was to be all the things you ever dreamed of being.  It was your talent which confused me, but now it can be revealed.  First, the other two.” He nodded at the anonymous woman.

“Meet your twin sister, who was as surprised by the news as you are.”

Ida opened her mouth, but could not speak.  She actually was a twin?

“But who is she?” Che asked.

The woman lifted her veil.  The others stared.  “They look almost alike!” Okra said.

“So they do,” Naldo said.  “But there are those here who know our visitor.”

“The Princess Ivy of Human Xanth,” Godiva exclaimed.

Now Ida stared.  “The Princess Ivy?”

Ivy took her hand, then embraced her.  “I did not believe it at first, but now I do,” she said.  “We finally verified it on the Tapestry.  The stork tried to bring two, but lost one, and I was the only one who reached Castle Roogna.  I never knew!”

“So you are Princess Ida,” Naldo said.  “And now your talent, and the reason the Good Magician declined to identify it.  It complements Ivy's talent of Enhancement, but is even more subtle.  Your magic is that of the Idea, as your name suggests.  When you get an idea, it comes true.”

“Every time Ida said she was sure something would work, it did!” Mela exclaimed.  “She even suggested that Okra don the madcap, so she could beat the ogre.”

Ida realized that it was true.  She had come to believe that Okra had a chance, and then Okra had won, even without the madcap.  She had believed that Che would find a champion, and he had, even if Gobble had managed to mess that up.  Everything she truly believed in had happened.

“But that must be Xanth's most powerful talent,” Godiva said.  “She could make anything happen, just by deciding that it should!”

“No,” Naldo said.  “It is obvious that it has never been that easy for Ida.  Because her talent has a crucial liability.

The idea has to come from someone who doesn't know her talent.”

“But she didn't know her talent,” Mela said.

“Correct.  That was vital, because it meant that she could get ideas on her own, and make them come true.

Now that she knows her talent, she can no longer do that.

And none of us, here, can do it either, because now we know her talent.

So it will continue to be just as tricky to invoke it as it has been before.  But when it is invoked, it is certainly of Sorceress caliber, as befits a princess.”

“But the Good Magician,” Che said.  “Surely he knew!  “

“Surely he did,” Naldo agreed.  “As did the demon Professor Grossclout, and the Simurgh.  But they also knew that Ida would not achieve her destiny unless someone who did not know suggested it.  They also knew that her talent was needed to help rescue you, Che, and to enable Gwenny to become chief.  Because Ida is a nice, optimistic person, inclined to believe the best of people and situations.  Without that special type of support, your prospects would have been bleak indeed.  But now the important things have been accomplished, and it is only fair that Ida know her own nature.” He turned to her.  “You will be going home to Castle Roogna with your sister, now.”

“You-you recognized me,” Ida said.  “When the demon professor conjured us to Draco's nest.”

“I thought I did,” he agreed.  “I thought you were Ivy.

Then I realized that you weren't, but that you were so very like her that something special was going on.  So I started investigating, and gradually it came to make sense.  But you could not be allowed to know until you had seen Gwenny through to victory.  The matter was too important to be risked.  Every person who recognized your nature had to conceal that knowledge, until the time was right.”

“Yes,” Ida agreed faintly.  She turned to Ivy, “But was I really your twin sister, before someone thought of it?  I mean, if it is my talent that makes things come true-”

“It's true now,” Ivy said.  “We no longer need to worry about what might have been, or what might not have been, or how any premature revelation of your talent might have changed things.”

“That's beautiful,” Mela said.  “I'm so glad for you, Ida.  I hope we can still be friends, even if you are now a princess, and Okra and I are just people.”

“Of course we can!” Ida exclaimed, going to hug her and the ogress.  “I'm sure it makes no difference.” Then she had a painful second thought.

“Except that if my own ideas don't work, now-”

“Friendship is not an idea, it's a personal choice,” Godiva said.  “You will remain friends if you want to be.”

“Oh, I want to be!“ Ida said.  Then a third thought came.  “But you, Mela-what of your quest?  You haven't found a husband, and now I can't get the idea that you will.”

“Yes, it is time to address that matter,” Naldo said.  “I promised all of you fulfillment, and now it is Mela Merwoman's turn.  Mela, for the record, exactly what kind of husband do you seek?”

“Oh, nothing much,” she said, abashed.  “Just the smartest, handsomest, nicest, most manly prince available who won't mind my swimming in the sea often, and who likes raw fish, and who will help me brush out my hair.

Some folk seem to think there is something wrong with a tail or with greenish tresses.  But-”

“Which is why the Good Magician sent you to my sister,” Naldo said.  “And she sent you to me.  And why you wore that Freudian slip, and slowed me the color of your panties.  I must admit, that very nearly freaked me out.

But I knew I had to wait until the rest of your quest was done and your friends had achieved their desires.”

Mela blushed a solid plaid.  “You saw my panty?” But there was more to her blush than that; she was evidently foolishly smitten with Naldo, just as Okra was with Smithereen.

“Just a wee glimpse,” he said.  “But that was sufficient.

I know that you are the sexiest crossbreed human in Xanth, which defines my own simple desire in a wife.“ He changed to his human form, and stood there as an extraordinarily handsome man.  “I am the one you seek Prince Naldo Naga, until this moment Xanth's most eligible bachelor.  I will marry you, Mela, and fulfill your dreams, even as you fulfill mine.

I have no objection to a pretty tail, having one myself.” He changed briefly back to his naga form.  “And I do like to swim on occasion, and eat raw fish, especially with compatible company.  I shall be happy to help brush out your greenish hair, if you will wear that slip and those panties and sit in my lap while I'm doing it.” He shot her a glance that nearly violated the Adult Conspiracy.

“Oh, yes!” Mela exclaimed swooningly.

“My sister has been trying to marry me off for years,” the prince confided.  “And she has at last succeeded. Come, I shall kiss you now, and seal the betrothal.”

Ida could not even marvel at his assurance, because he was a prince, and he had been instrumental in helping them all complete their quests.  He was horribly smart, yet as it turned out, he had had a nice reason for making them work for their answers.  Mela could not have found a better match.  She too would become a princess, because she would marry a prince.  All because of that Freudian slip and her fancy panty.  Who would have thought that the color of her panties would be so important!