The List (6 page)

My stomach clenched and I let out a sigh. I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. “I know, I'm sorry.”

“Sorry? Annie, you can't do this!”

“Adam—”

“There's no excuse you can give me that will make this okay. You have to call Dad!”

He wouldn't let me get a word in and it was infuriating. It was just like every day of my life up until this point, and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. “Will you just stop!” I said. “I get it, Adam, I do. I'll call Dad, I'll make an effort. But you of all people have to know why I haven't picked up.”

Adam sighed and my heart ached a little. “I know, Annie. I know. But you can't just stop talking to him. Now's the time to explain how you feel. To let him know how things are going to be from now on. You're an adult. So act like one.”

I nodded and opened my eyes. Ryan stood in front of me, watching my every move. “I know, Adam,” I whispered. “I'll talk to him, okay? It's . . .” I swallowed and almost stopped talking because Ryan's gray eyes were so intense. It made my heart work twice as hard. “You know how he is when we bring up Mom. He can't deal with it.”

“I know.”

I exhaled and kept my eyes locked on Ryan. “I have to go right now, Adam. Just tell Dad and Alex and Austin and Aiden that you got ahold of me. Lie. Tell them I lost my cell phone charger and I had to go out today to buy a new one. That I'm okay and I'll call them all tonight. Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah, Annie. I will. As long as you promise to call Dad.”

“I will. Thanks, Adam.”

“I love you, kid. You know that, right?”

“I know. I'll talk to you later.”

I pressed END and Ryan took a step forward. “Your brother?”

I nodded and tucked my cell phone into my back pocket. “I've been ignoring their calls. I shouldn't have.” Ryan's eyes scanned my face and he tilted his head to the side. Something inside me jumped. My heart or stomach. My soul. I wasn't sure.

“My mom's dead too,” he whispered.

My heart pounded and I pressed my lips together. It was obvious by the way he and the others had acted in the car that sharing this information wasn't a normal event for Ryan. I didn't want to push him, so I didn't say a word. Did he want to talk to me about it? It was hard to tell.

He took a step toward me and the bag in his hand crinkled. He was clutching it so tightly his knuckles were white and strained. His entire body was tense. The bag was from the fudge store, and he stared down at it like he had forgotten it was there.

Then his gaze focused and he sucked in a deep breath. His gray eyes snapped up to my face. He held the bag out and said, “Do you like chocolate?”

I smiled and his shoulders relaxed. “Don't all girls like chocolate?”

Cami and Chris came storming down the sidewalk toward us and Ryan took a deep breath. He wiped his hand across his face just as I stepped forward and took the bag from him.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“Let's eat.” Cami squealed as Chris scooped her up. He threw her over his shoulder and took off running toward the parking lot.

W
hen we got back to College Lodge, Chris helped Cami and me carry my purchases up to the third floor. Which was nice, because we never would have been able to do it in one trip without him.

“So Cami seems to be rubbing off on you,” he commented as we rode the elevator up.

I shrugged and eyed him carefully. There was something in his words that bugged me. Like he was feeling me out, but I had no idea why. “I don't know about that.”

He lifted up the bags he was carrying and waved them in front of me as proof.

“What's the big deal?” Cami snapped. She was watching him as carefully as I was.

“I just didn't think you were one of those high-maintenance girls, that's all. You know, the 49ers shirt and the football talk last night. I got a different impression.”

The elevator stopped and the door slid open. Cami huffed as she stomped out. “Thanks a lot, Chris.”

Chris sighed and motioned for me to go ahead of him. Cami was already at our room by the time we turned the corner.

“Sorry,” he said. I shrugged because I wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. “It's just that I don't meet a lot of girls who like football and all that. I didn't think you were this kind of girl.”

He waved the bags again. A sliver of irritation started in the bottom of my stomach and worked its way through me. “I don't know what kind of girl I am.”

The corner of his mouth pulled down and he shook his head. “But you like football? That wasn't a load of crap, right?”

“I guess I like football. No one's ever really asked me what I like before.”

“How can you have no idea what you like?”

I swallowed and tried to think of a way to explain my situation without revealing too much. “There are just things about my family . . . it's complicated.” He stopped walking and I did too. I turned to face him and he stared at me with those soft brown eyes. They didn't make my heart pound the way Ryan's did. “I told you my dad was strict.”

“I guess I just don't understand.” He started walking again, and when he got to our room, he practically threw my bags on the floor. “Let me know when you figure out who you are.”

My heart sank when he walked away, but I let him go. I had other things to worry about. Namely, calling my family.

“What a jerk,” Cami grumbled. She picked the bags up and dragged them into the room. She had already started unloading my purchases, laying things out all across the room.

“I have to take a walk,” I said. “I need to give my dad and brothers a call.”

She waved her hand in the air, barely looking up from the bags. I was pretty sure she'd had even more fun shopping than I did.

I took the elevator down and stepped out onto Calhoun Street. The second my feet hit the sidewalk, I inhaled deeply. We were close enough to the bay that there was the faint taste of salt in the air. It was only mid-August, so tourist season wasn't quite over yet. The sidewalks were crowded with people who were out exploring one of the most historic cities in the country.

I headed toward Marion Square Park with my phone clutched in my hand. The air was sticky and hot, and I was covered in sweat before I'd made it to the end of the block. Despite the hot day, the park was full. Groups of college students lounged on the grass, talking and reading. Gearing up for the first day of classes. It was more crowded than I'd hoped, but still a lot more private than it would've been in our room. I found an area of grass partially shaded by a few palm trees, and took a seat. Then I took a deep breath to prepare myself.

I got Alex and Stacy out of the way first. Alex's lecture was sterner than Adam's, but Stacy was more understanding. She got where I was coming from even more than Adam. She and Alex had only been married three years. I'd always thought things would've been better for me if they'd lived closer. If she could've been my bodyguard the last three years instead of my rowdy brothers. Neither one of them had bought Adam's story about my lost charger, which wasn't a surprise. I just hoped my dad did. Despite my need to break away, I didn't want to hurt him.

Aiden and Austin were easier to deal with. I got Aiden on the phone and he repeated everything I said to his twin word for word. They were home, but I told them I'd call Dad on his phone. I needed a few seconds to collect myself before the emotional avalanche that was sure to come.

When I finally got up the nerve to dial Dad, he answered before the phone even had a chance to ring on my end. The guys must have told him I'd be calling.

“Annie?” His voice shook.

I sucked in a mouthful of air when the guilt hit me like a tsunami. “Dad, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call earlier. Did Adam tell you I lost my charger?” I never lied to my dad, so I wasn't exactly sure how to go about doing it. I tried to keep my voice as even as possible. “Anyway, I went out today with my roommate and her cousin and did some shopping. So I got a new one. No need to worry!”

Dad exhaled and there was a long pause that went on and on. It gave me the perfect chance to tell him how I felt. To let him know things were going to be different. But I didn't.

“You know I worry, Annie. I want to be sure you call me every day.” His voice was tight and there was only a slight tremor to his words, but I could picture the look on his face perfectly in my mind. How his eyebrows would be furrowed and the way his mouth pulled down. I'd seen it a million times.

I squeezed my eyes closed and gripped the phone tighter. “I'm not going to be able to call every day, Dad. I'll do my best, but I'm going to be busy. Classes start tomorrow and I'm making friends. I came here to get the real college experience.”

“I know, I just . . . I don't like you being so far away.” He took a deep breath and when he exhaled, it was shaky. “The world is dangerous.”

I swallowed and chose to ignore his last statement. “We've had this conversation. I got a scholarship. This is a good thing for me.”

“But who's going to watch out for you?”

More like who's going to keep me prisoner
.

I took another deep breath to steady my voice and my emotions before saying, “I'll be careful.” It was pointless to say it; he always had the same response.

“Bad things happen even to people who are careful, Annie.”

Bitterness rose in my throat, as foul tasting as that first sip of beer had been the night before. I had to swallow it down before I said something we'd both regret. “I'm going to be okay, Daddy.”

For just a moment I felt like I was eleven years old again. Small and helpless. Holding my dad's hand as he walked me to the cemetery. That was when my world changed. When my dad told me the truth about what had happened to my mom and I realized I would never have all the things other kids had. That my dad was too afraid to let me really experience life. Before that I'd always known things were different in my family, but the why had been a mystery.

“I just wish you'd stayed here like Austin and Aiden. You could have gone to school with them, lived at home. They could have watched over you.”

“Dad,” I whispered. “I had to leave. Being there is—” I wanted to tell him it was like being in a prison, but the words stuck in my throat. I swallowed again and what came out instead wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth either. “Too sad.”

Dad inhaled sharply. The lie had hurt him just as much as the truth would have. It meant I was leaving him, pulling away. Which was exactly what he'd been trying to avoid all these years. Being left.

“I'll text you, every night. Just to let you know I'm okay. How does that sound?”

He took a deep breath. “Thank you, Annie. You know how much I love you, right?”

“I know Dad, and I love you too. This is just something I need to do.”

“Text me tomorrow then.”

He sounded so sad that tears almost choked me, but I managed to keep them inside long enough to say good-bye.

The sun was getting low on the horizon by that time. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to take a walk by the bay. To watch the sun set over the Ravenel Bridge.

I sent Cami a quick text before heading down Calhoun Street. The crowds had started to thin out, and the traffic going out of the city was heavier than coming in. Soon there would be dozens of people on foot heading into downtown, just like the night before. Off to whatever bar or club they had chosen for their night of partying. There was no doubt in my mind that Cami would be furious for not letting her dress me up so we could go out. But I needed to cool off. Talking to my dad always wore me out emotionally.

The street ended at the South Carolina Aquarium—already closed for the evening—so I headed right, following the bay deeper into the city. I passed joggers and tourists taking pictures, parents pushing children in strollers and rowdy college students headed who knows where. It was the first time I had ever walked anywhere by myself that I could remember. After only a few minutes my steps were lighter and the tension in my body started to melt away. I felt bad for my dad, but in that moment, as the sun began to set over Charleston and the sky slowly turned from blue to orange and pink, I knew I had made the right decision.

Just as I passed the Maritime Center, a guy jogging toward me caught my eye. He was shirtless and sweaty. The sun was setting behind him, so I couldn't get a really good look at his face, but I could make out every muscle that rippled under his skin as he moved.

When he was ten feet away it hit me that I was staring, but I didn't even try to stop. This was the kind of stuff I'd been missing. The simple pleasure of checking a guy out. Something made nearly impossible when you constantly had a bodyguard with you.

The jogger came to an abrupt stop about two feet in front of me. He tilted his head to the side, grinning. “You checking me out, Buttercup?”

“Ryan!” I stopped dead in my tracks. Instead of being embarrassed, I laughed. “I didn't know it was you.”

He grinned even more and wiped his hand across his forehead. A bead of sweat dropped off his chin and ran down his chest, right over his six pack. My knees wobbled a little.

“What are you doing out here by yourself? It's going to be dark soon. It isn't a good idea to be walking around the city alone at night.”

He was trying to be nice, but the words started a fire inside me. They were too familiar. “You're by yourself,” I practically spit at him.

His smile faded and he stepped back. “Yeah, but I'm a guy. You're just—”

I cut him off before he could finish the sentence, because I knew what was coming. I'd heard it my whole life and I was tired of it. “Just a girl, I know.”

Waving at him, I spun around and stomped away. I was acting like a child, but I didn't care. There was no way I was going to stand around and let some guy I'd known for a day try to put me in a corner the way my dad had my entire life.

“Buttercup!” Ryan yelled, but I kept walking. His footsteps pounded on the pavement behind me, but I didn't slow down. “Annie!”

He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. He shook his head and frowned, but all I wanted to do was kick him in the balls. Him, my dad, my brothers. All of them.

“Don't tell me I can't do something because I'm a girl!” I practically yelled.

People stopped walking and stared at me. I was too mad to care, and Ryan didn't even seem to notice.

He released my shoulders and ran his hand through his hair. “Shit, Buttercup, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that there are some pretty nasty people out there. It just isn't safe.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the ground. It was getting dark, but the streetlights had come on and we were standing right under one. It was like our own little spotlight.

“You don't have to tell me,” I muttered. “I know.”

Ryan tilted my face up toward his. “You okay?”

I shrugged and hugged myself harder. “Family stuff.”

He dropped my chin and nodded. “I hear you.” He pressed his lips together and exhaled slowly through his nose. “Listen, my place is just down the street. Why don't you come over and we can talk about it?”

I couldn't look him in the eye, so I stared over his shoulder. At the little lights bouncing on the water in the distance. Boats probably. It seemed like a nice place to be at that moment. Alone, drifting on the water.

“It's not something I really like to talk about.”

“Then we can just hang out. I'll walk you home later.”

I nodded and he put his arm around my shoulder. He was sweaty, but I wasn't complaining.

“Come on, Buttercup.”

Every time he called me Buttercup, something inside me tingled. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Or why he'd chosen to stick me with the nickname. “Why do you keep calling me that?”

“I told you, you remind me of a buttercup.”

“Because I'm so pale?”

Ryan squeezed me closer to him. “Because your hair is the same color as their petals and you're so tall and thin. You're pretty and delicate like one.”

I could have sworn the temperature went up about fifty degrees, and I couldn't keep my eyes off his face. “You think I'm pretty?”

He laughed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It wasn't. Not to me. “Come on, I bet guys are always telling you that.”

“Never.”

“Then everyone in California must have either been blind or stupid,” he said, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

He dropped his arm and we headed back the way I'd come, then crossed over to George Street instead of continuing on to Calhoun. Just a few blocks down he stopped in front of a brick building and hit a buzzer while he stretched.