The Loss (Heartache series #1) (19 page)

“Alena, that’s not gonna help get you there any faster.” Tanner’s beside me, trying to calm me down, but I can’t. I just can’t.

It seems to take forever but the doors finally open. I push through the people trying to get off in order to get on. Once the doors close, he grabs my arms turning me around to face him. “Hey, please calm down. He doesn’t need to see you like this. Calm down for him.” He’s right. Dammit! I need to get my shit together but my head is spinning. “Take some deep breaths. That’s it.” I try. I try so hard to take some breaths, trying to calm my heart. “Remember, he won’t look good right now. Keep that in mind when you get there. Be strong.” I nod, shakily.

He releases his hold. I turn and look up at the numbers as the floors pass by slowly. So slowly. The doors open and I freeze. What if I break down in front of him? What if I gasp at what I see? I can’t move. Suddenly, I’m scared of what I’ll find. He’s been through so much, so much because of me. Does he really deserve me in his life? Look what all I’ve put him through. Will he still want me? Love me? I start shaking and take a few steps back. I can’t live without him but would his life be better without me? God! I feel like I’m gonna be sick.

“Alena?” I look over at Tanner, who has one foot out of the elevator and one foot inside. I shake my head then nod, confused at my own emotions. I look down. His hand reaches out and without thinking, and I place my hand in his. “Come on. We’ll go slowly, okay?” I look back up into his eyes and nod.  “Good girl. One step at a time.” He leads me, slowly like he promised. We eventually get to a nurses station, and I look around while he talks to a nurse. My gaze stops at the room on the end of the hall, barely making out Jase from the window. I pull on his hand, removing mine from his grasp, and walk quickly to the room. My heart stops when I see him through the glass. Lights moving on different machines behind and around him. His chest rising and falling, helped by an oxygen mask around his mouth. His face swollen again, the same side as it was before, his leg propped up on a pillow, his bad knee re-bandaged and his arm in a cast from his elbow down over his hand, only his fingers showing.

So much loss, so much pain. This is what I’ve done to him, again. Will it ever end? Will it ever be over, or will it eventually kill him. All my fault. His pain, his injuries. All my fault. All because of the stupid mistakes and choices I’ve made. Guilt hits me hard as I look at his face.

“Take your time, Alena. I tried to warn you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to him sooner.”

I barely hear Tanner’s words as I just stare at Jase. I look around and start running towards the bathroom, pushing the door open hard and make it just in time into a stall, heaving everything out of my stomach into the toilet. My head hurts with my thoughts. I almost lost him after Liv was killed. I almost lost him when Bill tried to kill us, and now I almost lost him last night. I kneel on the ground, my head moving down again as I expel more from my stomach. Why can’t anything go right for us? Are we not meant to be together? I get sick some more until there is no more left inside me. All I keep thinking is that I want what’s best for him, for him to have a happy life, but I can’t live without him. I’m so selfish. I want his arms around me right now. I want him to whisper in my ear that everything’s going to be okay, that our love can withstand anything life throws at us. I need him.

“Alena!” I lay my forehead down against the cool porcelain, trying to get something cool against me. “Fuck, Alena.” Footsteps come up behind me and then leave. A few seconds later, I feel coolness pressed against the side of my face. “Girl, I’m here.” Hailey’s voice sounds like heaven to my ears but I want Jase. I want to hear his voice.

“Damn! Is she okay?” Another woman’s voice sounds behind me. Jolie? “Here, let me help.”

“Do I need to get a nurse?” Tanner. He sounds worried.

“No, we’ve got her. Can you just stay with Jase?” No words, only silence. I open my eyes. Hailey’s sweet face is full of concern as I sit up and lean back against the stall wall. “Babe. Are you okay? I know that was hard for you to see. He’s gonna be okay. I know he will. He’s strong, a fighter, you know that, and he’ll fight for you. Always.” I nod but my tears finally streak down my face. “Oh, come here, sweetie.” She sits down in front of me, her arms open, and I don’t hesitate to fold into them. I feel numb, weak, where I used to be so strong. What’s happened to me? Changed me? I’ve let life get the better part of me, taken from me, but I’ve let it win. I want to be the way I was before, strong, defying all odds, fighting to do what I want, what I need and not giving in to anything. Where is that girl? I’m only letting Bill win again.

I push back looking at Hailey’s confused face, pushing against the wall with my hand. When she reaches out to help me, I gently push it away and walk out of the stall and over to the counter. I look at myself in the mirror, not liking what I see. Tears staining my face, my eyes swollen and red. Quickly, I turn on the water, splashing the wetness on my face, then turn it off and grab some paper towels, patting my face dry. I look defiantly into the mirror again. She’s there, the girl I used to be, staring back at me. I take a deep breath, roll my shoulders back and turn around. Hailey and Jolie are giving me weird looks. They look at each other and back at me. I try to smile but I can’t, not now. Not until I know Jase is okay, that he’ll be okay. Walking out of the bathroom, hearing their steps behind me, I walk straight to the window and look at him again. He hasn’t moved, not stirred. The machines beep, simultaneously as I walk into the room. I grab a chair, pushing it up as close as I can get to his bed, placing my hand over his casted one, putting my fingers through his. Nothing. My touch doesn’t affect him. My heart can’t beat any faster, and I still feel ill.

I don’t move. I don’t speak. I close my eyes and begin praying.

Chapter 19

Battle Ground. Flashes of punches, no air and my arm twisting, popping and fire. My eyes open slowly, looking around a room. Where am I? I look down, my girl is by my side, her head turned. I look over and see Hailey and Jolie. What’s going on?

“The doctor said he’ll come around when his body is ready. I know you’re worried, honey, we all are but he’s strong.”
What are they talking about? I’m right here. Can’t they see my eyes are open?

“I need him. I need him to come back to me. It’s all my fault. I’ve caused so much pain,” Alena sniffs and turns her head, looking at me
. I’m here! Can’t you see me?
“I love him so much. So much.”
Baby, look at me! What the fuck is going on?

Sounds of beeping grows, louder and her eyes widen. She leans over, but I can’t see what she’s doing. What’s wrong with everyone? I’m looking right at them. I look up when the door opens, a nurse running inside the room. “Everyone out! Now!”

“NOOOO! I won’t leave him! Noooooo!”

I watch Hailey and Jolie, grabbing Alena, pulling her out the door, kicking and screaming, her tears falling down her beautiful face. What in the fuck is going on? Don’t take her away! I need her! Dr. Shafer walks in. Thank fuck! Maybe he can tell me what’s happening. He needs to get Alena back in here immediately. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Weird. I watch in horror as he pulls out paddles from a machine, my shirt lifted, and they’re pressed down hard on my chest. Wait! My eyes close as I’m jolted, my body jumping from the bed. “Again. Clear!” Again with the jolt. Stop it! “Okay, he’s good. Shit, I thought we were going to lose him. Give him more of that and keep a better eye on him,” Dr. Shafer’s voice is rough, angry. I’ve never heard him cuss before. Shortly, my eyes close and the darkness returns.

“Alena, darling, you need to eat. You’ve only nibbled the last few days. Is your stomach still upset?”

Her mom’s voice enters my head. My brain feels foggy, and my chest hurts.

“Yes, a little, but I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat. I brought that soup just for you. It’s your favorite.”

“I know but….”

My eyes open and look across the room. She looks pale, too thin. She’s lost weight. “Eat for me, please.” My voice is hoarse, not sounding like mine but everyone’s heads turn and Alena’s chair falls over as she stands, running over to me.

“Oh, my God! My God! Jase,” she cries then buries her face into my neck. I can’t move my arm, wanting to wrap it around her, hold her close to me, but it won’t move. She cries softly against my skin, and I close my eyes, feeling her warmth, her touch, her love. I want to hold her so badly, as close as possible. She finally moves. My eyes open to her tear streaked face. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. She gently places her hands on both sides of my face, and I blink, my own tears beginning to fall. “I thought…. I lost…. You,” she chokes.

“You’ll never lose me, baby. I’ll always be yours.” I look around, everyone standing still, watching. “Why can’t I move my arms?”

“I’m getting the nurse and Dr. Shafer,” Mrs. Spencer announces and runs out of the room.

I look back into the worried eyes of my love. “Sweetheart.” She rubs my face with her thumb as she speaks quietly, caringly. “They had to strap down your wrists. You were trying to get outta bed in your sleep last night. I’m sorry. They were afraid you’d hurt yourself. You were having bad dreams.”

“I don’t even remember that.” I look at the door when a nurse walks in, Dr. Shafer behind her. The nurse quickly comes to the other side of my bed, and I feel her removing the restraints. Dr. Shafer is next to Alena, doing the same to my other hand.

“Ah, Jase. Good to see you awake. How are you feeling today?” Dr. Shafer asks, smiling and looking a bit relieved. I feel confused, my brain and mind so clouded.

“I kind of feel like I’ve been hit by a truck but I don’t remember anything, just weird dreams.” It’s the only way I can answer yet it’s the truth.

He smiles, walking over to my other side, picking up my wrist, and looking at his watch. “Yes, well, that’s to be expected.” He lays my hand down and pats my arm. “We almost lost you this time, Jase.” My brows lower, trying to remember, anything. I look over at Alena, whose fingers thread through mine, and I look down to see a cast on my arm. “I need you to stay very calm. I’m sure Alena will be happy to fill you in but you really have to stay calm or I’ll have to sedate you. Understand?” I look back over at him and nod. “Very good. Sorry, but no food today, only liquids. If you keep those down we’ll see about some bland food tomorrow.”
Great.
He turns and looks around the room. “I’m breaking all the rules, again, letting you all be here at one time. Don’t make me regret my decision.” Everyone nods and hushed murmurs sound in the room. He walks to the door, opening it and then turns his head. “I’d hate to have to kick you all out. I know Jase needs your support right now. Just keep him calm.” He leaves and I look at Alena, so confused.

“Okay, peeps. Let’s leave them alone for a bit, shall we?” Hailey’s voice echoes in the room, but I can’t take my eyes off my girl. I hear footsteps, the door opening and closing, and then silence.

We just look into each other’s eyes, my fog lifts with her touch, her closeness. She smiles, her chin quivers. She reaches her hand up to my face, her palm soft as I close my eyes, a tear falls. “So much pain. I almost lost you this time. You scared me so badly. Please. Don’t ever do that again.” I open my eyes to see her beautiful smile.

“I won’t. I promise. Baby, don’t tell me what happened, yet. Right now, I just want you in my arms.” I lift my good arm, and she quickly stands and walks over to the other side, climbing in. I wince as I try to move over. She shakes her head, lifts my arm and puts it around her, laying her head on my shoulder. “Fuck! That’s better.” We don’t talk, nothing but the sounds of the beeps of the machines in the room. She plays with my fingers as we just lay there. Best medicine I could ever have is her beside me. After a long time, I look down and find that she’s fallen asleep. Good. She looks completely exhausted, and I know I’m the reason for it. Slowly, I close my eyes thinking about all the pain I’ve caused her. However, that’s going to change. From now on, only happiness for my girl, no more stress.

The smell of food wakes me up. I open my eyes and see my girl is still wrapped up in my arm. In her sleep, her leg is thrown over mine, her arm across my growling stomach, and a sweet pout on her lips. Adorable. I look over to see Mom, a bowl of her awesome chicken broth sitting in front of me on a tray. Cue stomach growl again. Alena stirs, opening her eyes lazily, her lips turning into a smile as she sits up. “Is that your mom’s famous chicken broth?” Fucking cute!

“I brought some for you too, dear.” Mom hurriedly walks over carrying another bowl and sets it down on the tray with a spoon.

I laugh as I push the button on the side rail, making the back of the bed to rise but stop when pain shoots through my side. “Ungh,” I wince with the searing pain.

“Easy, baby.” Alena grasps my arm, worry covering her face.

“I’m okay. Just went up a little too far.” Her chin quivers and I lay back, taking a few deep breaths but turn my head and smile. “Quit worrying. I’m okay. I promise.” She nods and I pick up her spoon, handing it to her, and then we both start to eat. Damn! Best soup ever!

Both parents, Hailey, Jolie, and Scott came to visit and we had a great time sitting around reminiscing of good times, keeping all bad things away from our conversations. Then, once everyone left, Alena and I laid in bed, watching a movie on TV, cuddling and having some ‘us’ time. Much needed.

“So, can you tell me what happened now,” I ask as the movie ends and I shut off the TV. “I don’t know why I can’t remember.” I scratch my sore head and sigh.

“Well, I only know some but Tanner is the one you should really ask,” she says softly, looking down at our intertwined fingers.

“Tanner?” I ask curiously.

She looks up and whispers, “He saved you.”

I’ll be dammed. I look down and stare at our hands. “Tell me what you know.”

“It was Bill’s hired help. He came to get the money Bill owed him for getting the information from Scott of our whereabouts. He set your gym on fire.”

My head snaps, turning to her. “Battle Ground,” I whisper.

She nods slowly, biting her lip. “There’s a ton of damage, Jase. I’m so sorry. But, I’m so glad you’re alive.”

“Shit, baby. It’s just a gym. It’s replaceable. Go on.” Fuck! My gym.

“Well, you already know you were hurt pretty bad. Tanner was there working out and was getting ready to leave when the fire alarm went off and the sprinklers were activated. He heard fighting coming from the locker room and ran there.”

I looked over at the window, staring at nothing, as pieces of that night start flashing in my mind. “And the attacker?”

“Dead. Tanner killed him.”

“Good.” Scenes start replaying in my head. I swallow hard. Tanner saved me. The guy that I thought odd when he first joined the gym, mysterious. Why was he there working out when Scott had told me everyone was gone? Bits of our conversation hit me. I need to talk to him, when I get outta here. Something doesn’t sit right with me.

I put my arm around her, shaking myself from my thoughts. She folds into me, close, warm. “Nothing but happiness from now on and love. Lots and lots of love.” She nods into my chest, and I feel nothing but her touch.

♥    ♥    ♥    ♥  

“I’m ready to go home now. I’m sick and tired of laying around in this bed. I wanna go home,” he whines for the hundredth time but I don’t mind. He’s alive and stubborn as ever.

Two days have passed and he’s getting anxious. Good sign. He wants to go to Battle Ground, survey the damage and start renovations. It’s too soon. He needs to rest. He almost died. “Babe, I’ve been working on the graphics, you’ve seen them. A crew has been over there cleaning everything up. It’s all good. A few more days is not gonna hurt. You need to rest and get stronger. Please, do this for me.”

He sighs, “I know. I’m trying. I really am, but I’m about to go bat shit crazy just laying around.” I walk over to the bed, bringing my laptop with me and sit down on his good side, placing it on the tray. “I’m so fucking excited about the plans you’ve drawn up. You’re a genius.” He leans over and kisses me hard, and I smile.

“It’s gonna take a few more days for them to clear the damage and get things cleaned anyway. I know you’re excited and so am I but I still have to finish this anyway. Chet said he’d have everything ready to get his crew on as soon as I have them done and they’re done with things there. Patience, my love.” I laugh to myself. He has no patience. Zero. Nada.

“What’s so funny?”

Shit! Thought I was laughing inside. Busted. “Nothing. I’m just happy. So happy.” I put my arm over his slim waist, my head down on his chest and sigh. “Nothing but happiness from now on.”

A week later and he’s still driving me crazy or crazier than normal. We’ve made love several times now, each time, I fall in love with him more. I was worried about his injuries, how close he came to dying, and the intensity of our love. Then, I worried about how we didn’t use protection but his answer was, “I’m ready to start my life with you, all of you, and that includes our babies.” That only reminded me that we haven’t had time to have the memorial for Vivian, so we plan on doing that tomorrow. Before this last bout of bad luck, we had picked out a headstone and I’d talked to the cemetery but we hadn’t set a date. Tomorrow morning at nine a.m. we’ll be getting some closure. I hope.

We make love a couple of more times today. Once in the morning and once at night. Now, I lay awake, listening to his quiet breathing, thanking God once again that he kept him safe. My mind starts wondering, thinking about what our baby would have looked like. Would she have had dark hair and brown eyes like her daddy, green eyes and blonde hair like me, or a combination? Would she have had his stubbornness, his determination and strength, or my flare for design? So many things I wish I could know. So much loss. A tear slides down the bridge of my nose, and I let it fall.

“Come on, baby, or we’ll be late.” His voice sounds from downstairs. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, putting my shoes on. He’s been antsy all morning, telling me he’s okay, that he just wants the closure, but I know better. Jase is just as upset as I am. I stand up, walk to my full length mirror and look at myself. I hate black dresses. Hate them. Why do we have to wear black to a funeral? So morbid. So sad. Quickly, I make a snap decision and walk to our closet. I grab my blue floral dress and change. I practically run down the stairs. His head snaps up when he sees me and his smile is breathtaking, looking gorgeous in his black suit. “I love your choice of dress.” He kisses my forehead as soon as I’m close enough. “I hate black.” He kisses me again and runs up the stairs. I know what he’s doing.

We arrive at the cemetery, most of the town is already there. I guess we took a little more time than I thought getting ready. He parks the truck along the side of the grass, I wait until he comes around to open my door then he takes my hand and I step out. He kisses the top of my head, takes my hand, threading his fingers through mine, and we walk towards the plot. People nod, smiling sadly, and whisper around us as we keep walking until we are in the front of the gathering. No one cares that I wore my light blue floral dress or that Jase wore his light blue button down shirt and blue slacks. I look down. A small grave with the headstone we picked out, sits before us.

Vivian Olivia Briggs.

Beloved daughter.

Our loss that she didn’t get the chance to live.

My tears cascade down my face. Jase’s fingers tighten around mine. I don’t look up or around. I just stare at the headstone. So much loss. So much pain. The minister says some words and then I take a step forward.

To feel loss is devastating,

To overcome loss is a struggle,

To live through the pain,

A miracle.