Authors: Paul Wigmore
This day
was different though, he remembered; as soon as that bell went he ran to the dining hall and scoffed his dinner down in what seemed like one or two mouthfuls. He literally hoovered it up, his knife and fork were a blur of movement in front of him and then he had raced to the grass at the side of the playground to join his friends who had already begun to pass the ball between them. Gavin watched as the little boy ran to Stewart who was his best friend and quite popular in school, unlike Gavin.
How could I have forgotten about him?
he thought. He was a good inch taller than Gavin and always had the latest trainers and went on the best holidays, he would come back sometimes from the summer holidays and tell Gavin all about the fantastic beaches that his parents took him to in places like Spain and Greece. Gavin recalled wishing his parents would have taken him somewhere nice like that but he knew it would never have happened. He remembered being that little boy and sometimes he had wished he had Stewart as a brother because then he would have gotten all the things that Stewart did.
As he was watching the
se events played out before him Gavin heard a voice inside his head,
‘be the boy again’
it whispered...
‘be the boy again’
. It was Saul, and he felt Sauls’ presence at the side of him. He looked into the purple eyes of the man demon as he repeated his words without a movement of his lips. He put his strong arm out and placed his hand onto Gavin's shoulder. ‘
Be the boy again Gavin you have the power inside of you to do this. You cannot change the memories of your mind by merely watching, otherwise they will just play over and over, causing you more harm. You need to be the memory to change the memory. You need to be the boy... so that he can be a man.’
He knew what he had to do now, he looked toward little Gavin and realised that he did have to
become the boy
so that he could make him into a
man
. No sooner had he thought it, the grown up Gavin had gone and was now little Gavin about to play footie with his best mate Stewart,
he had dark hair but it was shaved into a crew cut which was basically just about a millimetre of hair left on the head. Gavin had asked for a crew cut the last time his mum had taken him to the barbers as it was the latest trend but she said that
the man
had said he had to have a short back and sides and nothing else which wasn’t surprising. The other kids used to tease Gavin because of the wellie's and the hand me down clothes that he wore but Stewart was a year older than Gavin and always stuck up for him. He lived on the same road as Gavin which is why they were such good mates, although Gavin wasn’t allowed to play out much, when he was he would always run over to Stewarts house and they would play games like cops ‘n’ robbers or sometimes Gavin would be allowed to borrow Danny’s bike and they would go for a bike ride somewhere, Danny was Stewarts older brother and was very kind to Gavin. This only happened when Gavin knew that
the man
was going to the pub though. As it didn't bear thinking about what would happen if he rode round the corner and bumped into him. He had never been told he wasn’t allowed to go on a bike but he knew that because he hadn’t been
told
that he could... then there would be a problem. Of course
the man
wouldn’t say anything at that point. He would probably pat him on the head and tell him to have a
fun time
and be careful. When what he would really mean is
have a fun time while you can because I just caught you red handed doing something that you didn't ask my permission for... and I’m gonna make you pay for it later.
There would be a look in his eyes that Gavin knew meant trouble... It would be the bad look from the bad place.
Stewart was pleased to see Gavin and hurried him over with a beckoning motion of his hand.
‘Come on Gavvo’ he shouted as he raced towards them. They had laid down their school jumpers and bags as goalposts and were kicking the ball between them. ‘Are ya playin’ today matey or readin’ more about Fingerin’Fanny?’ he asked when Gavin arrived at his side. Stewart always thought it was funny there was a woman in Gavin's books called Fanny and would rib him but Gavin really didn't know why it was so funny, he knew that girls had fanny’s to pee out of but didn't understand why he called her fingerin’ fanny. It didn't make any sense to Gavin but he never said so as he didn't want to look silly in front of Stewart so he just always laughed along with the joke.
‘Can I play?’ asked Gavin.
‘Yeah you can be on my side’
He was so pleased at
just being able to play footie with everyone else that he accidentally let out a little ‘yay’, which he felt very embarrassed about almost as soon as he’d done it, but it seemed that no one had noticed as they were too busy kicking the ball about and deciding which positions they wanted to play in. Gavin took off his sweater and put it in one of the piles that had been left on the ground to make the goalposts.
The game was going well and Gavin's team were winning although thi
s was not down to anything he had done because although he liked to play football, he wasn’t very good at it. He had tripped and fallen over the ball once when he was trying to copy Stewart and dribble it around Bobby from the other team. He had tripped over his own feet and ended up with his face in the mud and Bobby had gone on to score. ‘Maybe ya should’ve kept your wellie's on
welly
boy’ Bobby had taunted as Gavin picked himself up from the dirt. Gavin didn't care though as he was just happy to be able to play.
Nothing could spoil this day
he thought as he was brushing the dirt from his T-shirt and laughing at himself as he had fallen over for the second time. It was an uncharacteristically sunny day for March and although it was still a little cold. Just the sight of the sun was enough to make him feel happy and temporarily forget about the bad place. He was playing football with his friends and not having to sit at the side and read, although he didn't mind that, but he didn't need Fingerin Fanny today to cheer him up.
And then his whole world came crashing down around him.
‘Gavin... get over here... NOW’... He heard the voice but tried to make himself believe that it wasn’t true,
it couldn’t be
, but it was. The second call confirmed the truth. He had been caught red handed wearing his new pumps that he was only supposed to wear for P.E. and not at
any
other time. He turned his head to see
the man
with his mum. They were stood at the bottom of the playground on the other side of the chain link fence that ran along the side of the school.
‘Don't make me come inside to get ya’ he yelled.
Gavin walked over towards them trying to take his steps very slowly. His heart had sunk and he walked with his shoulders and head down, looking at his new pumps which were now muddy and not so brand spanking new. He wasn’t going to get out of this one. He had been caught red handed. It was a long walk and Gavin thought he was going to wet himself on the way, that would have just made it even worse though so he made sure he held it in. Suddenly the sun didn't seem to be as bright at it was before, as if the man had stolen the colour from his day and replaced it with darkness. He watched his feet and his new pumps which were going to betray him as they led him to his tormentor.
When he reached the fence he looked up and saw his Mum with a face on her that showed
that she knew what was coming. She was scared also. Gavin didn't realise that she wasn’t just scared for him, but she was also scared for herself now. She knew what was in store. He had been drinking already and now they were on their way to
“The Chequers
”.
‘Well...?’ the man asked.
Gavin couldn’t bear to look at him and kept looking at his Mum, hoping that she would say or do something to save him.
He couldn’t bear to look into that grizzly face with the horrible ginger curly hair framing his fat round head that went with his fat round body.
‘Look at me when I’m talking to you boy’. This frightened Gavin so much that he physically winced from the sound. He had to look at him and he knew it, but he knew when he did, he would see that look there. That look saying,
your mine now boy... I gotcha.
And sure enough there it was, it was strange but it seemed to Gavin that he was actually happy that he had caught him doing wrong, it meant he had a reason to dole out some sort of punishment and that made him happy.
He turned his head towards “his Dad”. He had to call him his Dad but Gavin had a vague understanding of the fact that he wasn’t his real Dad and therefore never thought of him as such, he just thought of him as “
The Man
”. Gavin wished his real Dad were here now, but he had no idea who that was or where he was. He reckoned his real dad wouldn’t do these horrible things to him or let anybody else for that matter. He had a little fantasy that his real dad was an astronaut or a fighter pilot in the army and would come back and rescue him from the bad place whenever he was finished with his mission or got back from collecting moon rock from the moon.
‘Did I tell you that you could wear those new pumps in the playground?’ The man asked. Gavin's Mum was looking sorry for herself as he was talking. She was nervously playing with the straps on
her handbag. Their afternoon trip to the pub had been ruined and she was now wishing she hadn’t talked Ray into coming down this way to get there. She had bought some sweets for Gavin and was hoping to catch him on his dinner break and give them to him as a nice afternoon surprise but it had now gone horribly wrong. She was silently cursing herself.
‘No dad... sorry
Dad’ Gavin replied immediately. Unconsciously he looked away from
the man
as he spoke and looked back down at the offending pumps.
The man
hunkered down onto his haunches and held the chain link fence so that he was at eye level with Gavin. ‘Put your face up straight and look at me Gail’.
(The man always called Gavin a silly girl’s name, usually Gail when he wanted to tease him).
‘Take off those pumps
now’ he hissed at Gavin ‘and pass them to me through the holes’
Gavin's Mum Moira managed to blurt a ‘No don’t...’ before the hand connected with her face. Ray stood up and caught her with a vicious backhander before settling back down on his
haunches to repeat the demand.
‘Now take them off and pass them through the fuckin’ holes’, saliva spraying all over Gavin's face as he spat this at him. Moira got up as fast as she had fallen down; she didn't want anyone to see her like this and didn't want to escalate this any further. Her cheek stung from the slap but she now thought it was all about damage control.
‘I’m sorry honey... lets just go home and make love... please?’ she begged.
The man ignored her; he was too committed now to humiliating Gavin.
‘Take them off now and maybe I’ll get ya some high heels if you’re lucky....
Gail
’ he sneered.
Gavin didn't want to cry but he was
doing as he took off the pumps and squeezed them through the holes and gave them to
the man
. He had seen his Mum slapped a million times before, he had watched while
the man
had strangled her nearly to death in front of his very eyes but it still had the same effect on him. He wished he was much bigger and older so that he could do the same to him and stop him from hitting his Mum.
‘That’ll teach you to disobey me. And to think we bought you some sweets for a little treat this afternoon. Well now you’ve just gone and ruined everything haven’t you? Gavin wished he had just worn his wellie's and was now feeling as if he really were to blame. If he hadn’t worn the new pumps then his Mum wouldn’t have got hit and he would now be eating a pic ‘n’ mix instead of crying
and wishing he were at Kirrin Cottage.
The man made him walk back to
the classroom with no shoes on and he had to tell Mrs Livingstone that he had lost his pumps as he had taken them off and now couldn’t find them. Mrs Livingstone told him that was a silly thing to have done and told him to put his wellie's back on, and she was sure that they would find them; if they were handed in she would let him know. Of course they would never be handed in.
The remainder of the day flew by way too fast for Gavin, he wished he could just grab some of those little invisible minutes that seemed to be whizzing past his face and put some in his pocket. That way the day would never end and he would never have to go home to the
bad place
. Even the ticking of the clock appeared to be louder as if it were mocking him at the hopelessness of the situation.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock,
Nearly Time, Nearly Time,
It seemed to repeat over and over until the last bell was
here; still those minutes were flying by. He tried to catch some of those minutes by taking an unusually long time to pack his superman pencils and ruler into his superman pencil case.
If only superman were real
he thought as he took his blue duffle coat from the peg and laboriously poked one arm into its sleeve.