The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (13 page)

•
Wash your hands
frequently with an antibacterial soap.

•
If you have sex with men,
use condoms for fellatio (or avoid ejaculation in the mouth). Use condoms for vaginal or anal penetration.

Asking a new partner about her STD status is not foolproof either. While it’s good to know a partner’s story, you can hardly take a thorough sexual history on a first date. Even if you ask all the right questions and get all the right answers, you can’t assume that a new acquaintance is being truthful—no matter how charming she is. She may have an STD and not know it.

Whether you have one partner or many, if you don’t know your partners’ sexual practices, health status, and sexual history—and
their
partners’ practices, health status, and history—you’d do well to practice safer sex. Of course, if you don’t know your own sexual health status (because you haven’t been tested for HIV and other STDs), you need to practice safer sex to avoid transmitting an STD to your partners. And if you know you have an STD, then you need to practice safer sex.

Be Present

Sex is always more gratifying when you are
really there.
Not skin deep, not hiding, not distracted, not anesthetized, and not suffocated under a molasses-thick blanket of shame—but fully available to engage in the moment. Whether you are flying solo, enjoying a sensual tangle with several partners, or gazing soulfully into the eyes of your one true love, it’s good to be present for the experience.

Being present is the bottom line for most spiritual practices. Meditation, ritual, and prayer are all intended to bring the consciousness to the moment. What’s

I love the feeling of connection I get from making love with my girlfriend.

this got to do with sex? Well, many people find a powerful connection between sex and spirituality. Tantra, essentially a spiritual tradition, has become the basis for sexual techniques designed to refocus erotic energy from “slam-bam-thank-you-Ma’am” to something a bit more, well, holy.

Others find sex to be a rare oasis of animal nature in our overscheduled, too civilized urban lives. When else do we permit ourselves to loll in bed in the middle of the workday? An afternoon of sex will go a long way toward reminding you that you have a body—and a great capacity for pleasure.

On a more practical level, being present enables you to make meaningful choices about sex. This is what is meant by the term
consent.
Consent comes from
your
experience,
your
feelings. Not what you think you want (or worse, what you think you
should
want) but what you
do
want—in your gut. Or cunt. Or feet. How can you consent to sex if you don’t have a clue about what you want—or even what you’re feeling?

Being present for sex means not shutting down and not hiding the truth of who you are and what you want (or don’t want). Being present means not bingeing, purging, or starving yourself, and not getting drunk or high to have sex.

I used alcohol as social lubricant so that I could get to the sex part. Now, though I’m not in recovery, I prefer to have sex sober, just because it increases the intensity for me.

Being fully available—in body and spirit—means dealing with problems that rob you of your life. There’s no shortage of resources to help you become fully available for your life. Therapy, support groups, 12-step programs, and bodywork can help. (See the resources chapter for more information.)

Life Changes

Even in bliss, when your dreams come true, your relationship to your body can be challenged by change. Pregnancy and childbirth, that longed-for breast reduction surgery, or beginning gender transition cause upheaval in your life.

Rachel Pepper reminds us of the importance of love and support to cushion the shock of change:

After spending so many years in the same body, it’s disconcerting to watch it change so dramatically, so quickly…. As you go through physical changes, your partner can let you know you are still attractive to her. Many pregnant women get shy about their bodies when they start morphing. Of course, some partners know there’s nothing more sexy than a pregnant woman. Those breasts! Those hips! That curvaceous belly! That growing life within! Your girlfriend can help boost your self-esteem by lavishing you with praise.
⁶

Many significant life changes happen
to
us, not
by
us. Crushing blows—such as the death of a loved one—can rock your world and with it your sense of comfort in your body. The end of a relationship can shake your self-confidence like almost nothing else.

A severe illness or a sudden or chronic disability can sharply challenge your sense of self. Recovery from an eating disorder or addiction can toss you around on a roller-coaster of emotions. Menopause and aging can be both freeing and challenging to your sense of yourself as an erotic being.

You may feel that you can’t be sexual while swimming through so much emotion. You may not want to get involved romantically just now. Perhaps you believe that fully experiencing your sexuality is disrespectful to a lost lover. You may feel very protective of your newly gendered body. You can take a break from erotic play—or a break from partner sex. This may be an opportunity to discover and pleasure yourself. Chapter 6, Masturbation, will tell you how.

You deserve a fully satisfying sex life—all the pleasure you desire (in fact, all the pleasure you could ever imagine), on your own terms, without apology or price tags.

chapter six

Masturbation

Masturbation is fundamental to my spiritual and sexual well-being.

DO YOU MASTURBATE? When someone asks you what you like sexually, do you mention the ways in which you pleasure yourself? Think of masturbation as the foundation for your entire sexuality. Masturbation is how you learn what you like and how you like it. How much of yourself do you bring to the task? A lot of us don’t admit to ever masturbating. We get so many messages about the second-class status of masturbation—and, for that matter, of being single. Well, not so. Masturbation is a form of sexual expression like any other, no more or less “legitimate” than oral sex or strap-on penetration.

So what are the myths you’ve heard about masturbation? Are you afraid that if you masturbate you’ll become antisocial or vibrator addicted? That you’ll hurt your lover’s feelings when she finds out what hot sex you’re having all by yourself? Do you think that if you stay home on Saturday night to masturbate you’re a loser? Or a sex-crazed pervert? Well, let me give you some good reasons to masturbate.

What Will Masturbation Do for You?

You get to have pleasure…lots of it. You can get off, whenever you want. All this pleasure is for
you
—you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s desires or needs.

Ten Myths About Masturbation

1.
Masturbation isn’t real sex. Real sex is what you do with your girlfriend.
We were also told that sex is for making babies.
Puhleeeze
, let’s not buy into this. Pleasure is as good a reason as any to have sex, and pleasuring yourself is as valid an expression of your sexuality as any other.

2.
If you masturbate too much, you’ll grow hair on your palms—or your labia will get really big. Or change colors. Or look weird.
Not true! One look at
Femalia
, a collection of color photos of women’s genitals, and you’ll see that vulvas come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. (And no one has ever gotten hairy palms from self-pleasure.)

3.
People in relationships don’t masturbate. Or they masturbate only when the girlfriend’s out of town.
The corollary to this is:
Women in healthy relationships don’t masturbate; if you have to do for yourself, you must be suffering from Lesbian Bed Death.
The opposite is more likely to be true: if you masturbate—filling your life with erotic richness—you probably won’t suffer from lack of libido. And if you share your erotic energy with your girlfriend, maybe she’ll get turned on, too.

4.
Save it for your girlfriend. If you masturbate, you’re taking something away from your partner.
That’s fine if your honey is your erotic twin. But what if your desires don’t perfectly match on a 24/7 basis? Masturbation isn’t being “unfaithful.” The idea that your lover should satisfy all your needs—sexual, emotional, spiritual—not only is unrealistic, it doesn’t leave much room for you to be
you
.

5.
If you masturbate you’ll get addicted and be unable to have orgasms any other way.You’ll become antisocial.
“I was far more antisocial when I was love addicted,” writes Betty Dodson.
¹

6.
Masturbation is a lonely occupation.
Yes, masturbation can evoke loneliness, sadness, grief—as well as joy, excitement, and the feeling that you might burst with pleasure. Sex is an emotional experience, whether you’re sharing that experience with a partner or flying solo.

7.
Masturbation is something you should do in private.
Some of us had “enlightened” parents. Instead of slapping our hands when they caught us masturbating, they told us it was OK—just don’t ever let anyone see us doing it. No wonder we find masturbating for an audience so deliciously naughty.

8.
Women who jerk off too much are sex obsessed.
How much is “too much”? How much pleasure are you willing to allow yourself? A thimbleful? A bathtub? An ocean?

9.
Autoeroticism is kinky. It’s “normal” to get off now and then, but dressing up, playing with toys, watching yourself in the mirror, and licking the juices from your fingers—that’s kinky.
Give yourself permission to touch yourself, look at yourself, smell yourself, taste yourself. (If it helps to think of yourself as the perviest girl on your block, go for it.)

10.
If you masturbate, you’ll become very demanding, expecting lots of orgasms and a life filled with erotic delight.
Yes. Good for you!

Relaxation, reduced stress, and a good night’s sleep are all benefits of masturbation. And buzzing off is a much better reward than a candy bar for finishing that term paper or sending off that business proposal. Masturbation allows you to experiment with new sexual activities in a safe setting. You can try new toys, new fantasies, even a new persona without embarrassment. You can experiment with extended orgasms, multiple orgasms, and ejaculation. You can get messy without worrying about offending a partner’s aesthetics.

Masturbation is the key to sexual self-knowledge. You’ll know what you like. How? Because you’ve tried it. You’ll know what gets you off—not just that one trick you discovered at age 10, or that particular technique you learned from your last girlfriend. You’ll discover a number of sexual activities, fantasies, and techniques that work for you.

Masturbating really taught me how to touch myself, and gave me a good idea of how to touch and stroke a lover—I know now, for instance, to slow my stroking of her clit when she’s about to come, when she’s nearing the loudest part of her orgasm, to prolong the most intense, delightful part.

All that self-knowledge leads to self-confidence and sexual autonomy. You know you can take care of yourself. You know what gets you off; you’ll have specific information to convey to partners (“What do you like?” “Oh, everything, I guess.”).

You can’t be intimate with others until you can be intimate with yourself. How well do you tolerate your own company? What kind of solo-sex partner are you? Through masturbation, you can develop an erotic relationship with yourself.

Think of masturbation as a way to practice self-love. Sure, it’s easy to say you love yourself, but do you
act
on that love? Masturbation is part of self-care, as much as regular massages, gynecological exams, or trips to the spa. Here’s a way to pour energy
into
yourself, even as the world pulls so much energy out of you.

And, while we’re talking about self-love, let’s not forget that your body is a very big part of your “self.” Through masturbation you can learn to love your physical self.

Sex-positivity means accepting, supporting, and celebrating human sexuality in all its splendid variety. Why not begin at home by accepting your sexuality, your body, the things you like, the ways you respond to your own touch and your own imagination? You’re never too old, too boring, too fat, too thin, too stressed-out, or too timid to deserve a great sex life.

The Masturbation Workshop Adventure

It’s no coincidence that the best sex educators teach masturbation as the basic tool to helping women expand their sexual possibilities. And masturbation is the one tool you’re always packing. From
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
to
Exhibitionism for the Shy
and
The Survivor’s Guide to Sex,
sex guides are filled with encouragement and advice about masturbation.

Sex toy salespeople are cheerleaders for the power of masturbation. “You would be hard-pressed to find a group of people more enthusiastic about masturbation than the employees of Good Vibrations,” write Cathy Winks and Anne Semans in
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
“Every time we talk to a customer about sex toys we’re inwardly cheering, ‘Go home! Masturbate! You can do it! You’ll love it, we promise!’ ”
²