Thunder Snow (Thunder On The Mountain Series) (17 page)

How could I pour my heart out to you, how could I bleed at your feet, and there was nothing I could say or do that could touch you? Was I that crazy? Was it possible that someone else had come along that you wanted more than what you and I had? Was this total rejection of me? I was heartbroken because what you and I have is addicting, and yet you had the ability to just walk away, and I didn’t. What is it about YOU that causes that in me? I finally realized that nothing I can say, do, see, or hear will duplicate that feeling.

I have often wondered how you, who could cause it with just a whisper, with just a few words, or even without saying a word, could so easily live without it? That has been a big part of what I have tried to find perspective on. I have not found it yet. When I found out you were married, that you owned all of these houses with your wife, that I had been so blind, I was in a tail spin. How could I, in my entire life, ever trust anyone again?

I’m not sure which was more shocking. That you were married, or that there actually WAS someone else, the tragically deceased wife. That would all have been so much easier to understand if it had come directly from you. Does it even register with you that my Jack that I knew so well was capable of slamming the door so soundly, and what that might do to me?

Daddy’s visit helped me a lot. I will be leaving here in the next few days. I just wish you had told me. I think I will probably never understand that part of it. But now I can get on with my life. I fear that as long as I live I will love you. But, like Jason, I will not allow you or anyone else to destroy me.
 

CHAPTER  TWENTY-E
IGHT

I
finally had purpose again. I had spent most of the night cleaning and packing. I was going to go and stay in Daddy’s cottage. I would build the house I wanted, and I was going to heal, although right now I wasn’t sure how. I had something to live for again. It still hurt to breathe, but I had gone hours without crying. I packed up the car and then made a final sweep to make sure everything was in order.

As I was locking the door, the phone rang. It was Jack. My heart raced at the thought of talking to him. I had waited so long for this. I didn’t answer. He left a long message. I erased it without listening. If I was going to start my new life, I didn’t need to hear his explanations now about his perfect wife. I had turned a corner. I was going to make it.

I stopped at the Amber Rose. One look at me and Sam knew what I was going to say. With tears in his eyes, he held his arms open for me. As I hugged him good-bye, he laughed and said, “This is déjà vu all over again. I lost yer ma and pa jest like this.”

“You will NEVER lose me, Sam. Never. I just have to go get some things worked out. I’ll be up here often. You think I don’t want my little one to know you? I would never do to you what my parents did. You are a part of me, and part of my little one. We will be back often. But you can’t make me cry right now. I am hanging on by a thread. I have gone a few hours now without crying, but fear what will happen if I start again. Don’t ever stop knowing that I love you, and I’ll be back within the month.”

“We’ll be sure ta look in on the place til ya get back, pun’kin. It’ll be ready for ya.”

“Thank you, Sam. What would I have done without you? And you are going to be part of my pregnancy and my little one’s childhood. You won’t get rid of me that easily.”

As I drove away, I started to cry, but knew I wouldn’t stop if I didn’t get it under control right away. I started making arrangements.

“Daddy, I took our conversation to heart last night. I’m coming home.”

“Now?!” He sounded panicked.

“Don’t worry, Dad, I plan on staying in the cottage for a little while. That is, of course, if you don’t mind. If you do, I'll find a place to rent until I can get a house built. That shouldn’t be a problem.”

“No problem at all, pun’kin. I was just surprised, that’s all. I’ll make sure everything is ready when you get here. When will that be?”

“In less than two hours.”

“You’ve already left? How did you do that so quickly?” It DID sound like panic in his voice.

“After you left last night, I thought about our conversation. I couldn’t bear to be there without Jack, and since he’s not coming back, I need to get on with my life. Is there a problem, Daddy?”

“No, no, not at all. I just will have to get things together in a hurry.”

“Oh, please don’t bother, Daddy. I’m very capable of getting sheets changed and the place aired out all on my own. It’ll give me something to do. You wouldn't have known it last night, but I am a big girl now.” I tried to inject some humor.

“Oh, and here’s the deal. No talk about Jack, okay? It’s too raw, it’s too new, it’s too painful. There may come a time when I can think about him, but not now. I need to not cry so that I can heal. Is that a deal?”

“If you say so, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I know he had to have loved you."

“Stop! No! We’re not going to go there. Please, Daddy, respect me in this.”

“Whatever you say, pun’kin. I’ll leave the timing to you.”

When I arrived, Daddy was waiting for me at the door.

“Well, you look a whole lot better than you did last night. Quite a dramatic change.”

“Thank you. You helped me a lot. If I don’t think about it for now, time will help me. If I think about it, I’ll fall apart. I can't afford that. I have to heal. I have to make a new life for us. I will never trust another man again. I have a baby to think about now. Please help me.”

“Honey, you and I need to talk.”

“Not if it’s about Jack.”

“No, no, I, too, have been keeping a secret from you. Not for any reason other than I know what you’ve been going through the past few months, and I didn’t mean to not tell you.”

“Is it going to rock my world, Father?”

“Father. You only say that when you’re being pedantic. I don’t want it to rock your world, Callie, but that will be up to you."

“Spill it. Now.” I was preparing myself, steeling myself for what he would tell me about Jack.

“I’ve met someone.”

It took me a moment to understand what he was telling me. “What?”

“Oh, honey, I don’t want you to be upset.”

I started laughing. I kept laughing until I thought I might have lost my mind.

“What it is, Callie?”

“Oh, Daddy, why did you think that would upset me? I’m so happy for you!” I said, throwing my arms around him. "When do I get to meet her? Genuinely— if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“That’s why I was concerned about you coming here so quickly. She stays here most days, or rather, most nights. I didn’t know if you would think it was too soon after your mom.”

“You spent years taking care of Mom. You deserve to be happy. And where is she? And what’s her name?”

“I sent her to the store until I had a chance to tell you. I wasn’t sure you wouldn’t be upset. And her name is Della. We're pretty crazy about each other.”

“Well, call her and tell her to come home. I have absolutely no problem with it.”

“Well, good then, because now I have some exciting news for you. You know I have a pretty close relationship with John Montgomery? I called him when I found out you were coming home and told him you wanted to build a house. He is years out for new clients, but he told me he’d meet you first thing in the morning. Being as how he and I go way back.”

“Are you kidding? Are you being serious with me? Montgomery? THE Montgomery?”

“Yep, 8:30 at his office. I told him you are one of his biggest fans. He was happy to clear his schedule.”

“Oh, Daddy, THANK YOU! It will give me something to concentrate on. It will be exactly what I need to take my mind off of the mess I’ve made of the rest of my life. In the meantime, I’m going to go start unpacking. You sure you don’t mind me staying in the cottage for a while? Seriously, I can get a rental."
     “Wouldn’t hear of it. It will be nice. You can get to know Della. We can share in the excitement of building your house, we can be here for you during your pregnancy. It will work out just great, honey. You’ll see.”

“Thank you. You’ve been a lifeline to me, so many times.”

“It’s what fathers are for, honey.”

CHAPTER  TWENTY-NIN
E

T
he next morning was so different than the past few weeks. I woke with some degree of excitement about my upcoming meeting with Montgomery. I knew exactly what I wanted. I had envisioned it for years since I had first become enamored with his work.

My mind kept going to Jack. My heart would start its yearning cry. It was only the thought of having a new project that kept me sane. I wanted him. I couldn’t have him.
Move on, Callie, move on.

I arrived early. I had always imagined John Montgomery as an elderly, scholarly sort with a neat beard. Maybe he even smoked a pipe. His secretary was older and pleasant. She made me miss Marge. I suppose my hiatus would end sooner than expected. I wondered if I would be able to go back to the cabin and stay.
Give it time, Callie, one day at a time.

“Good morning, Ms. Weston. May I get you some coffee?”

“No, thank you. I’m good.” I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. Not only was I going to meet Montgomery, but he was going to build a house for me. That was certainly a dream come true.

“Mr. Montgomery will see you now, Ms. Weston. Follow me, please.”

The office was classic Montgomery. His signature was all over everything. We walked to the end of a wide hallway and she knocked on the door, waited momentarily, and then said, “You may go in now.”

I could hardly contain my excitement. I opened the door and entered, but there appeared to be no one there. The door closed behind me, and I turned to see . . .

“YOU! What are YOU doing here?!”

He stood in front of the door, blocking my way. “Please let me pass. I don’t know what kind of a sick joke this is, but let me out of here right this minute.”

“Not until you listen to me, little one. You have to hear me out.”

“First off, don’t call me that. You no longer have the right. You made your decision.”

“Yes, I’ve made my decision, and I’d like to tell you about it.”

“Please, Jack, don’t.” I didn't want to cry, and I could feel the tears threatening
.
“Please, just let me go. Move away from the door so I can leave.”

“I can’t let you do that. I need you to listen to me.”

“YOU need? Is that what matters here, what YOU need? Where is John Montgomery?” I felt duped. Had my father been in on this?

He took a step towards me; I took a step back. “Please, Jack. I’m hanging on by a thread. If you touch me I won’t be able to stand up to you, and I need my strength. For me, for our baby. I can’t cry anymore.”

A winsome smile crossed his face, the face I would never stop loving. “I have always loved your honesty, little one. Will you sit? Just give me a few minutes? Please? Just hear me out? Allow me to finally be honest with you like I should have been all these months?”

I sat down on the oversized leather chair because I feared I might fall down. I couldn’t put it all together, and I definitely felt like I had lost all control.

“Do you want some water?”

“Yes, thank you.”

As he handed me a glass, his fingers touched mine. I pulled away as though I had been burned. “Oh, Callie, I had forgotten how stunning you are. Whether you believe me or not, there have been few waking moments when you haven’t been front and center in my mind. I miss you every waking moment.”

“Don’t, Jack. Please. Why are you here?”

“Look around you, little one. This is the office of John Montgomery.”

“Yes?”

Crouching down next to the chair, he was eye level with me when he said, “Callie, I AM John Montgomery.”

“What? How could that be? Then who is Jack Franklin?”

Without breaking eye contact, he said, “At your service, ma’am. John Franklin Montgomery. Known to my closest friends as Jack.”

“Dear God, now I KNOW I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. None of this makes sense.”

“Will you at least listen to what I have to tell you, and THEN you can make up your mind?”

When I didn’t respond, he began, “I have left it way too long, but every time I tried to tell you, something came up. So many times I wanted to tell you I would build you anything you wanted, anywhere you wanted. Then you would wax poetic about John Montgomery, and it just didn’t seem the appropriate time.”

I sat silently, feeling like I had no further grip on reality.

Jack sat down in the chair next to me. He took my hand. I was numb. I wasn’t even sure where I was, this was such an unreal turn of events.

“And every time I wanted to tell you who I was, I couldn’t figure out how to do it without telling you about Marcie, and I never could figure out how to start that conversation.”

Tears streamed down my face. Jack handed me a handkerchief. “Please, don’t cry, little one. Again, things are not always what they seem.”

“I will never be able to compete with a dead woman, Jack.”

“I don’t ever want you to compete. Please, please, hear me out.”

His thumb wiped an errant tear from my cheek. He ran his hand through my hair and twirled it at the end. Quietly, I began to cry. He soothed me and whispered unintelligible words. Kind and patient and tender sounds that made me all the more heartsick, all the more tearful.

“Callie, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I have to tell you MY truth. And when I tell you, then you can have some time to think about whether or not you ever want to love me again.”

I laughed through my tears. “Yeah, that will be a tough decision. It’s not a switch, Jack. You don’t get to flip it on and off at will. But you do get to choose what you do with it. The choice is always yours.”

"As long as I live, Callie, I will spend every remaining day of my life showing you how much I love you if you will let me." I stilled. My breathing slowed. He knew he had my attention.

“There is only one other person alive who knows what I'm going to tell you, and he only knows parts of it. He will never repeat it to another living soul, and I will never do anything to change people's perception of what happened. They believe what they want to believe. They see what they want to see.” With a gentle smile, he swept his hand to encompass the room, "Case in point.” I blushed.

“It was all a sham. When we first got married, I did love Marcie. At least I thought I did. Then I realized I didn’t have any idea who she really was. It didn’t take long for me to realize that Marcie was the only person in the world that Marcie cared about.

“I had money. I was the one that could give Marcie the lifestyle she craved. What she never understood was that I never wanted anything to do with that life. I went to the auctions, the balls, the soirees, the premiers, all because of her.

“She loved the high society, the money, the prestige, the social position. I loved her at first, or so I thought, so I indulged her. When she told me she was pregnant, I knew I would do whatever was necessary for my child to have a balanced life, but Marcie wouldn’t quit drinking.”

Jack wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was looking back to his own hell, a place only he could see. I took my thumb and rubbed his hand, trying to soothe him.

“One night when she was eight months pregnant, I came home to find her drunk - again. I told her she was not fit to be the mother of my child. I told her I would give her enough money that she could live in luxury if she would relinquish her rights to our son, and stop drinking until after he was born. I was prepared to hire an around-the-clock nurse or guard or whatever it would take to make sure she didn't drink again until after the birth.

“She laughed at me and told me, not for the first time, that she had never wanted to be pregnant; that she couldn’t wait to get this kid out of her. Then she laughed and called me a fool. Told me she couldn't believe how blind I was, that the baby wasn't mine. She had been having an affair with Clark since before we got married.”

I inhaled sharply. “Oh, Callie, I’m so sorry about that night. I hadn’t seen Clark since Marcie's death, and I could find nothing in me to be civil, to forgive him. Even more so than Marcie, I was so much more devastated by Clark. He had been my best friend and business partner for ten years. I understood her black heart, but felt like I had been truly betrayed by him. I was in shock.

“’Then go to him,’ I told her. ‘Let him raise your child.’

“She said she would never give me a divorce, but I would look at that child every day and know she was sleeping with my best friend. I don’t think I had ever hated anyone more than I did Marcie in that moment. She was evil, and I grieved for the child she carried.

“As God is my witness, all I wanted to do was hit her. If we are to have total honesty between us, you must understand this darkness that overtook me. As she stood there shrieking and throwing the priceless items she had been so busy collecting over the previous year, the thought crossed my mind that there would be a certain amount of satisfaction in strangling the life out of her.

“I was looking at her, wondering if I would have struck her if she hadn’t been pregnant. When I became conscious of my thought process, I knew I had allowed her venom to poison me. I turned and walked away, up to the room we had shared. The whole time, she was yelling at me, calling me weak, that I was a coward because I wouldn’t fight with her.”

I remained silent, not moving, barely breathing, listening to the heartbreak, the broken lives pouring out around me.

"I was so disgusted with her, with me. When I got to the top of the stairs, I became totally composed, wondering where we had gone wrong, and how had we gotten to this point? I grieved for the son I had just lost that had never even been mine. I wondered how to get out of the nightmare that had become my life.

“Standing at the window, watching the rain falling steadily, I saw her drive away. I hoped she was going to Clark and that she would never return. Then I remembered how drunk she was, and knew she was in no condition to be driving. I thought about calling Clark, but knew there were no civil words that could be said to him. What could he have done anyway?

The irony of what happened was that it was someone else who ran the red light. A drunk driver slammed into Marcie's car. He hit the driver’s side, and it took almost two hours to get her out. The baby was dead, and Marcie was in a coma.

“Before they even got her out of the car, the police were at my door. Marcie lived for two days, never regaining consciousness. I stayed by her side the whole time, overwhelmed with guilt that I didn’t care if she lived. People thought I was the grieving husband. Because the accident wasn’t her fault, they never even checked her blood alcohol levels. They didn’t do an autopsy. They never knew she was drunk.

“There was a whole bubble of myth that had already begun to grow before I even knew about the accident. I often thought the rain had a lot to do with the eeriness of it. I became the grieving widower who had lost his family. I was the tragic Heathcliff that every woman wanted to soothe.

“I couldn't talk to anyone. There was no part of me that was a good enough actor to feign that I cared she was gone. When I cried, it was for the innocent child who knew nothing of life before he lost it, and for Clark’s betrayal. Clark never once showed up at the hospital. I wanted him to hurt, if not for Marcie, then for the son he lost or the friend he had betrayed. I was having a hard time dealing with my anger, dealing with the guilt I felt.

“I went to Nederland. I threw myself into finishing the home I had always wanted, the one Marcie wouldn't even take the time to come and see. She wanted mansions, society. She couldn’t stand the thought of being in the middle of nowhere for even a weekend. I used my middle name, and those close to me have always called me Jack. I hid. Even more of a mystery grew around the tragic life of John Montgomery, the renowned architect who had mysteriously disappeared after the horrific death of his beautiful young wife and son.

“If I had taken you to see my house, you would have known. I didn’t mind telling you about me, but I was never sure how to be honest about Marcie. I was never sure how to get past the blame I carry about her."

He was absently rubbing my knee. I got up and knelt between his legs, putting my head on his chest. My heart was breaking for this man who had demonstrated such an amazing capacity to love.

“Jack, you didn’t kill her. She made her choices. I’m so sorry for all of it, but you didn't do it.”

“When you told me you were pregnant, the guilt overwhelmed me. I had spent so many months several years ago excited about my child, only to find out I never had one. When I left you, I went to Telluride, to a little place I have there. I didn’t ever want to go through what I had been through again. I didn’t think I deserved you and what you were offering me because I had so much anger in me, so much guilt for the fact that I had never once been sorry she was dead.

“The longer I was there, the more I realized there is no one in the world like you. You are my world. You’re tough, but the most gentle spirit I have ever known. You were so appreciative of everything. I was so wrapped up in my pain I couldn't see past it, and I was so self absorbed right then I couldn’t see what I was doing to you.

“More than a week passed of feeling sorry for myself. I finally came to grips with what a fool I was being. All of a sudden I realized how much you must have been suffering. I got all of your emails at once. When I read the last one and knew you thought I was married, I couldn’t bear to think what I had been putting you through.