To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance) (20 page)

If the day came when she and John weren’t even friends anymore,
she would lose contact with the girl. The possibility was so awful she couldn’t
bear thinking about it.

Nothing about today bore thinking about. No sooner had she and
John got back together than cracks had appeared in their relationship. Not
simple problems, either, but conflicts that threatened the very foundations of
their still-fragile love. Tonight they had to talk.

Dinner was a mostly silent affair, a simple meal of hamburgers
cooked on the barbecue. The warmth had gone out of the day and by the time the
sun set, dark clouds again loomed on the horizon. Katie did the dishes while
John put Tuti to bed early. For once the girl didn’t protest. Her ordeal seemed
to have drained her of mischief. She snuggled up in bed with her doll and a
teddy bear.

Katie sat on the couch pretending to read a magazine but the
words danced on the page. The hamburger lay like a lump of clay in her
stomach.

John came out of Tuti’s room. Instead of sitting next to her he
took the chair opposite.

She set the magazine aside, bracing herself for the argument
ahead. She would endure the anger and harsh words because she wanted so badly to
connect with him. Hopefully, she could appeal to his rationality and keep the
peace. Although her emotions were such a tangled mess she wasn’t sure she had
any rationality herself.

While she was mentally composing her opening remark John got
straight to the point. “All that crap that came out on the beach when we were
discussing Tuti was symptomatic of all our problems. I’m her father. I know her
better than anyone. Yet you dismiss me as not having any valid viewpoint.”

“I don’t dismiss you—”

“You do. You did when you had cancer, too. Now you’re doing it
again with Tuti. You are the expert and I know nothing.”

“When I—?” Her jaw dropped. “
I
was
the one who was sick.”

“Exactly. I was afraid for you. Terrified you were going to
die. Do you know how that feels?”

“I have an idea,” she murmured, thinking of what had happened
in the water. Yes, now she had an inkling of what he’d gone through, but he went
through it for months—not minutes. She should have been more empathetic.

He didn’t seem to hear her agree. “Did you care how I felt? No,
you were stubborn as hell. You went ahead and did it your way instead of getting
the treatment you needed to ensure your survival. You wouldn’t even get the
genetic testing to see if you had the BRCA gene, the one your mother had.”

“I already had cancer. What difference would testing have made?
I had chemo, a lumpectomy and radiotherapy. Wasn’t that enough?”

“You could have been tested. You could have had the mastectomy
so the cancer wouldn’t recur. You didn’t do everything you could to save
yourself. If you’d loved me, if you’d wanted a future with me, you would have
done whatever it took to stay alive.” His voice had risen with each sentence and
now he was practically yelling. “All I wanted was for you to be alive!”

“That’s easy for you to say now.” Furious, Katie stood and
began pacing between the tiny hall and the couch. She was trying to control
herself but her voice was raised, too. “If I’d ended up with no breasts it might
have been a different story.”

“We’ll never know, will we? Because you didn’t give me the
chance to prove my love.”

“Oh, and I suppose abandoning me was your way of proving you
loved me?” She flung a hand in the air. “Well, was it?”

“You pushed me away. Even before you were sick you wouldn’t
commit to marriage. Then when you got cancer, well, that was pretty convenient,
wasn’t it? Can’t set a date when you don’t know if you’ll be alive for the
wedding.”

Katie gasped. “I can’t believe you said that.”

He didn’t apologize, just went in for the kill. “You weren’t
willing to take a chance on our future. Why should I stick around for another
serve of heartbreak? I didn’t want to watch you die.”

“I didn’t. I survived.”

“Through sheer good luck.”

“Through good diet, exercise, natural remedies,
meditation—”

They were toe-to-toe, in each other’s face.

“Go ahead and believe that if you want.”

“I do believe it. I’m living proof.”

“You got lucky. That time.”

“You’re angry because I didn’t do what
you
wanted me to.”

“You’re treating me like a bad person just because I disagree
with you. You of all people should know how it feels to be lost and alone and
frightened because the one you love best is leaving you. You must have felt that
when your mother died. Just as I felt it when you were ill.
Who abandoned who?
”

Katie pressed fingers to her throbbing temples. “What are we
doing? Where are we going with this? Let’s not fight.”

“Do you call this fighting? We’re working things out.”

“It’s fighting and I hate it. Why can’t you just love me no
matter what? Why does it have to be conditional on me doing what you want? My
mother and father were devoted to each other. I never heard them argue, not
once.”

“I adored your mother, don’t get me wrong. She was the
sweetest-natured person I ever knew. But she was so passive she wouldn’t have
said ‘boo’ to a goose. As for your father, I suspect he just agreed then did
whatever the hell he wanted.” John shook his head wearily. “Just because you
didn’t hear them argue doesn’t mean their marriage was all sunshine and
roses.”

“They adored each other,” Katie insisted. She sat and tucked
her hands between her knees. “My father would do anything for my mother.
Anything.”

John met this statement with a cynical eye roll. “You do
realize no red-blooded man would ever actually do that, don’t you?”

“My father was a major in the army. Are you accusing him of not
being red-blooded?”

“I’m saying, no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the
two people involved. You’re painting your mother as a saint and your father as a
martyr.”

“They loved each other.”

“So do my parents. And they fight all the time.”

“And that’s what scares me.” This whole conversation was
scaring her. John wasn’t listening to her at all. Just like his father didn’t
really listen to his mother. Nor had John ever seriously considered her side of
the argument about her treatment, or about Tuti, for that matter. She didn’t
doubt he loved her. But did he respect her?

He couldn’t, not if he refused to compromise. He accused her of
dismissing his concerns. Well, he wasn’t discussing the issues so much as laying
down the law. His law. He’d decided to move to Tinman Island and that was that.
He was taking Tuti away from her new home, uprooting her again. Didn’t he give
credence to Katie’s experience working with children? To her own desire to do
what was best for Tuti?

If he didn’t respect her, if he didn’t think she was worthy
enough to have a legitimate viewpoint on the important subjects of her health
care and his daughter, then maybe that wasn’t the kind of love she wanted. It
wasn’t the kind of love her parents had, where a couple worked through their
differences and achieved a compromise.

John reached across the gap between the chair and the couch and
took both her hands in his. “Katie, I’m going to lay it on the line. I need an
answer from you before I hear about Tinman Island. I need to know…”

She swallowed. He looked so serious. “Yes?”

“I love you. I want to marry you. If I get the job, I want you
to come with Tuti and me. You would make us both so happy.”

Her throat was clogged with tears. He didn’t get it. He just
didn’t get it. They were still talking around the real issue. Could she trust
him not to leave her again if she got sick and didn’t do things his way? “You’re
not listening to me.”

“I heard every word you said. I woke up this morning with you
in my bed and I was so happy. Come with me. Please.”

Her hands lay limp in his. What was the point? He would never
understand. So she talked around the issue, too. “Summerside is my home, where
my people are. My history. Our history.”

“Some of that history is hurting us. It’s holding us back from
taking the next step in our relationship.”

“Which is?”

“Marriage. Children of our own. I believe a new home in a
different location would be good for us. For all of us, Tuti included. We could
be our own little family, starting fresh.” The vulnerability in his eyes was
devastating. “Katie, I need this. I’m dying in Summerside. I’m only thirty-five
and my life is at a dead end.”

She tugged her hands away and twisted in her seat. “You’re
pressuring me. Something this huge takes time to consider, to get used to.”

“Last night you were all for it. What’s changed? How much time
do you need?”

She was silent. Maybe a lifetime. “How do I know we will
last—that you won’t leave me again? In the past seven years you’ve never been
with any woman longer than six months.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I kept track!”

“I didn’t stick with any of those women because on some level I
was waiting for you. Face it, Katie. There will never be enough time for you to
feel secure. Because you don’t really want to be with me.”

“Yes, I do!” The words flew out of her mouth.

Instantly he was by her side on the couch, his arms around her.
“Then say yes. Say yes to us.”

She wanted to so badly, yet still, she resisted. “I need time
to think.”

“Why?”

Why, indeed? Part of her was screaming to say yes. “I—I’m
scared. I’m not as adventurous as you are.”

“You are if you push yourself. You got hurt on your mountain
bike but you said it was still worth it.” Now he was nuzzling her neck, stroking
her bare arms, kissing her behind the ear. “What happened to
que sera sera?
”

He touched her breast and squeezed gently. She recognized the
signs that he wanted to make love. Instinctively she shrank away. How could he
feel amorous when they’d just been fighting? They hadn’t made up, not properly.
The conflict between them simmered, unresolved. She couldn’t feel like having
sex until that was fixed. And the conflict couldn’t be fixed until they talked
more. He seemed to be done talking.

“John, I don’t…” Gently, she pushed him away.

The warmth in his gaze cooled. His hands slid off her.
“Fine.”

“I have a headache.” She winced at the cliché but it was true.
More than that, she was drained by their emotional exchange.

“Sure.”

“And you’re all battered and bruised.”

“If you don’t feel like it, you don’t feel like it.” The spark
had gone out of him. He moved wearily. “Let’s just go to bed.”

“We can talk again in the morning.”

“If there’s anything more to say.” Without waiting for a
response from her, he got up and walked down the hall.

Katie followed him into the bedroom. She fussed with the
curtains, waiting until he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth before
changing into her nightie. A garment she hadn’t worn since she got there.

He got into bed. “Did you take something for that
headache?”

“Yes.”

“Good night then.” He rolled onto his side, facing away from
her.

She lay staring at the ceiling, dry-eyed, her heart aching.
What had just happened? How had things gone so wrong, so quickly? Most
importantly, where could they go from here?

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

R
AIN
DRUMMING
ON
the tin roof of the
cottage woke John the next morning. He moved his arm and winced at the pain.
Memories of yesterday flooded back. Tuti swept into the ocean. Rescuing her,
getting bashed against the rocks. Gingerly he touched his forehead. The bandage
was slightly damp where blood had seeped through.

Then the argument with Katie. It had been pretty intense but he
felt better for having vented. He glanced sideways. Her side of the bed was
empty, her pillow still hollow from the impression of her head. He heard a noise
out in the kitchen. It was her moving around, running water into the kettle.

What the hell had happened between them? He’d laid himself
bare, told her he loved her, asked her to marry him, to share his life, to be a
mother to Tuti… and she hadn’t said no. But she hadn’t said yes, either. Wasn’t
that just typical? What did she want from him that he wasn’t offering her?

He thought he was giving her a gift—to be able to write without
worrying about making an income. She thought he was trying to…what—control her?
That was her excuse when she didn’t want to commit.

He rolled out of bed. A chilly draft was coming through the
cracks in the window frame. Outside heavy gray clouds blanketed the sky over the
bay. The last spate of autumn sun was over. The weather had socked in.

He put on long pants and socks for the first time in weeks. In
the kitchen, Tuti was eating toast while Katie fiddled with the radio. She’d
washed her hair and it was still damp, hanging in a loose braid over her
shoulder. She found a clear station and they listened to the tail end of the
news. The state government had approved a new freeway in the western suburbs and
a rail link to the airport.

“Election coming up,” John said. “They’re splashing money
around like nobody’s business.”

“Shh. Here’s the weather.” Katie held still to listen. The
forecast was for continuing rain. Music came on. Katie turned the volume
down.

John poured himself a coffee and leaned against the counter.
“Not much point in sticking around here. The cottage isn’t built for the
cold.”

“You’re right.” Katie added scrambled eggs and a piece of bacon
to Tuti’s plate. Then she divided the rest between two plates and pushed one
toward him. “If we pack up after breakfast we could be back in Summerside by
lunchtime.”

“I want to stay,” Tuti said.

“Sorry, sweetheart. There’ll be another time.”

A ringing came from the other room. “Is that your phone?” Katie
asked.

John grabbed his phone off the coffee table. “Hello?”

“Senior Sergeant John Forster?” an unfamiliar,
official-sounding male voice said.

“Yes, speaking.”

“This is Allan Barkin, District Police Commissioner of
Queensland. I apologize for calling when you’re on holiday…”

“That’s no problem.” This was it. It was starting to happen.
John began to pace the room.

“I’ve looked over your résumé and I’d like to interview you
now, over the phone. Would that suit you?”

“Yes, that’s fine. Could you give me just a moment?” He went
back to the kitchen. With his hand over the phone he spoke to Katie. “I’m on a
phone interview. Could you keep Tuti quiet and occupied? I’ll take this in the
bedroom.”

“Sure, no problem.” She gave him a long, silent look, then
turned to Tuti. “Eat up, sweetie, and we’ll play Snakes and Ladders. Your daddy
is on an important call.”

Back in the bedroom, John sat at Katie’s makeshift desk and
found a piece of blank paper on which to take notes. “I’m back, sir. Please go
ahead.”

The interview went for forty minutes and covered a broad range
of police procedures, regulations and duties, John’s experience and his career
aspirations, as well as the unique challenges of Tinman Island with its mix of
aboriginal inhabitants, transient service industry workers and resort-goers.

“I’m looking for a fresh challenge,” John reiterated when he
sensed Allan Barkin was winding up. “I’d welcome the opportunity to combine
leadership with hands-on policing. I’ve been reading up on local issues and I
have some ideas about how to get the local communities involved and on board
with police activities.” He gave a deprecating cough. “And being keen on water
sports, I have to admit the location appeals to me, as well.”

“Plenty of water sports on the island,” Barkin said in his
gruff voice. “Do you fish?

“Fishing, scuba, sailing—I love them all. I don’t have much
time for that nowadays but I was a semiprofessional surfer in my youth.”

“Well, John, I’m pleased to tell you I’m putting you on the
short list for the position. Ordinarily I would consult with the rest of the
panel before making that decision but we’re on a short time frame. We need to
make a selection by the end of the week. I believe I told you the outgoing
commander is in the hospital after a major heart attack and won’t be coming
back. The officer acting in his position isn’t interested in staying on. Can you
get up here for an interview tomorrow morning?”

That soon? He could swing it. He and Katie had already decided
to return to Summerside. Before he’d left town Sally, Tuti’s after-school
caregiver, had let him know she was available to look after Tuti as needed over
the holidays. And he was still officially off work. “Yes, sir. I can get an
early flight and be in Brisbane by midmorning.”

“That will be fine. The selection panel is interviewing all
day,” D.C. Barkin said. “I’ll slot you in for eleven o’clock.”

“May I ask who my competition is, sir?” He wanted to know what
his chances were.

“I suppose there’s no harm in telling you since you’re bound to
run into at least one or two of them tomorrow.” Barkin named a half-dozen names.
Two of the men and one of the women being considered he’d never heard of but
they all ranked higher than him. The other three contenders he knew by their
stellar reputations. He was facing stiff competition.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll see you tomorrow.” John hung up and
called Sally. When he had Tuti’s care organized he went out to the cottage
living room.

Katie was seated on the chair, Tuti on the couch. He threw
Katie a glance and sat down beside Tuti. She looked up, brushing her bangs out
of her eyes. He made a mental note to get her hair trimmed.

“I have to go to Brisbane tomorrow so Sally’s going to look
after you.”

“Okay.” She pushed the dice at Katie. “Your turn.”

It was humbling how easily she accepted what he told her. She
trusted him implicitly and here he was, possibly about to turn her life upside
down.

Katie ignored the dice. She was watching him intently. “What
happened?”

“I have an interview in person tomorrow.”

She paled then reached for the dice but didn’t throw them.

“What’s an interview?” Tuti asked.

“It’s to see if I get a new job. If I do we’ll be moving up
north to live.”

“Will Katie go, too?”

“Maybe,” John said.

“I don’t know, sweetie,” Katie said. “It’s a long way from my
home.”

“We’ll have to wait and see.” Maybe he shouldn’t have said
anything to Tuti before he knew. But he had to prepare her. It wasn’t that long
ago he’d read her Katie’s book on grieving and they’d had an emotional talk
about Nena. Now he might have to prepare her for losing Katie. Hell, he might
have to prepare himself.

Tuti’s forehead wrinkled. “But Katie’s my teacher.”

“You would have a new teacher in a new school. No matter what
happens Katie will still be your friend. Right, Katie?”

“Of course,” she murmured.

“You can talk to her on Skype the way you do Wayan and Ketut,”
he added.

Tuti kept her gaze down, saying nothing. He hoped she wasn’t
going to stop talking again. “That’s
if
I get the
job. I might not. Then we’d stay here. And everything will be the same.” Was
that really true? If Katie drew a line in the sand and refused to even consider
a move, would that make everything change again? Could they come back from her
vote of nonconfidence in their relationship?

“No matter what, I’ll always be with you.” He put his arm
around her and hugged her. Still she said nothing. John massaged the back of her
neck. “Okay, sweetheart?”

Tuti glanced up at him with sad eyes. She gave him a small
smile and said, “Okay,
Bapa.
”

“We need to go home now. Why don’t you go pack your bag?” he
said to Tuti. “Don’t forget to brush your teeth first.”

When she’d left the room, John glanced at Katie. “So, things
are progressing. Have you thought any more about whether you would come with
us?”

She started putting away the board game. “You don’t even know
if you’ve got the job.”

“No, but a little support would help, going into the
interview.”

“I’m not sure I can give you what you’re asking for.” Katie’s
dark eyes clouded and the tiny lines at the corners became more pronounced.
“Summerside is my home. It’s where I belong, where I feel safe.” Her voice
cracked. “My mother is buried there.”

John nodded, numb. She needed security. He got that. But he’d
thought he was offering her security. The solid comfort of his love, a home and
family. It wasn’t enough for her. She wasn’t willing to take a chance. “Tuti
would miss you. I would miss you.”

“I’m sorry, John—”

“Don’t say no yet.” He hated the desperation in his voice but
he plowed on. Their relationship had been brought to a head prematurely. It
wasn’t ideal but they would have to deal with it. “Nothing’s set in stone.”

“You got through the first hurdle.” She smiled though her eyes
welled with tears and reached out to smooth his shirt collar. “You are going to
blow the socks off the selection panel.”

“Whatever happens, don’t let it mark the end of us.”

Her smile faded and she searched his gaze unhappily. “You’re
obviously looking for something more out of life, something I, and Summerside,
can’t give you. I don’t want to hold you back—”

“Shh, we won’t talk about it anymore now.” Their relationship
wasn’t over. It couldn’t be. As long as she didn’t say a definitive no there was
still a chance they would get together. He’d waited seven years. He would wait
seven more if he had to.

He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. “We belong
together. Tell me you’ll think about it some more.”

“Oh, John, I’ve been awake half the night, thinking.” A tear
escaped and she brushed it away. “I do love you. But I—I just can’t do it. I
can’t go with you.”

He buried his face in her fragrant hair, trying to suck air
into his tight chest. All he’d wanted was a lifeline. Instead he was
drowning.

* * *

“L
ET
ME
GET
THIS
straight.” Paula dished out Thai green curry
from takeaway boxes onto three plates. “John asked you to marry him and go live
on a tropical island. But you said no because you’d rather stay in
Summerside.”

Riley sipped his beer, shaking his head. “I always suspected
you had a screw loose. Now it’s confirmed.”

“I do not have a screw loose.” Katie was allowing herself to
relax for the first time in weeks. She’d made her deadline by mere hours and the
book and illustrations were on their way to New York. “I have obligations here.
My students. Dad.”

“Uh-huh,” Riley said skeptically.

Katie dug into her curry. She was making excuses again. Her
father and stepmother, Susan, were fit and healthy and planning an extended trip
around the country in a camper van. And her students were going into grade two
next year. She adored them but they weren’t a lifetime commitment.

“On Tinman Island you wouldn’t have to work for a living but
could concentrate on your writing,” Paula said.

“Which would be a godsend considering you’re under the pump
with this contract,” Riley added.

“Hey, ease up, you guys,” she protested. “Do you think this was
an easy decision for me? To say no and realize that John and Tuti might be going
away and I’ll only see them once, maybe twice, a year?”

Why did he want to marry her anyway? How could he love her when
she put him through such hell? Had she become this unattainable woman, a
conquest, and he wouldn’t be happy until he got her?

More to the point, why was she being so stubborn? Why couldn’t
she commit? Riley had only been kidding about the screw loose but sometimes she
wondered if she
was
going crazy. The thought of
joining her future to John’s scared her to death. It wasn’t like being afraid of
going downhill on a bike. This was a real, visceral terror of pouring her heart
and soul into the one she loved. Only for that love to abandon her.

Katie stabbed her fork at a spring roll.

Like when her mother died
.

Huh. Where had that thought come from? The spring roll dropped
back to the plate. She’d been a young girl, on the brink of womanhood. Close to
her mother, far closer than to her gruff military father. She’d believed to the
very end that her mother would survive.

And then she hadn’t.

Just as she’d counted on John being around forever, no matter
how she treated him, or what condition she was in.

Until he wasn’t.

She’d had similar thoughts before about John but without the
added insight of her mother’s death. Why would she? The two events didn’t seem
connected.

Maybe she had to accept some responsibility for John giving up
on her. Oh, sure, he said he’d done it to try to save her. But had he really
been trying to save himself?

She noticed suddenly that Paula and Riley had fallen silent and
were watching her. Paula reached over and squeezed her hand. “We know you care
about him. And that your decision must have been painful.”