Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (19 page)

Most men equate orgasm with ejaculation, so it can be difficult to imagine the two separated. Ejaculation is simply a reflex, a muscle spasm triggered by orgasm. Orgasm happens just before ejaculation. In fact, men are capable of multiple orgasms. And why shouldn’t they be? I’ve done years of work with men, women, and those who are something else entirely, and I am more and more convinced that “male” and “female” genitals and sexuality are a lot more alike than they are different.

The truth is, men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. We are all earthlings whose penises and vaginas came from exactly the same type of fetal tissue. This is why, in addition to penises and vaginas, we also have a wide spectrum of intersex genitals, which medical science is only now slowly coming to accept as “normal.”

TEN WAYS TO DELAY EJACULATION

Practice these techniques alone, at first. Then you can share them with a partner who can help you. Give yourself at least twenty minutes. Masturbate almost to the point of
orgasm. As you approach orgasm, notice what is happening in your body. What muscles are you tensing? How are you breathing? What are you doing that is speeding up ejaculation? Now, just as you are on the verge of orgasm:

1. Stop stroking or thrusting your penis for ten to twenty seconds. Go totally limp, completely soft inside. During this moment of relaxation, take your focus off your genitals. Direct it to the top of your head or your third eye. You’ll feel your orgasmic energy remain in motion, even though the muscles of your genitals are not.
   
2. Breathe in and hold your breath for several moments, until the urge to ejaculate subsides. Remember, the more you breathe, the more you feel. In this case, you want to decrease sensation. If this doesn’t work, try a fast, shallow breath like the Breath of Fire (see
   chapter 4
   ).
   
3. Contract and hold the PC muscle. This is similar to a Kegel exercise (see
   chapter 7
   ). You’ll have to practice to find exactly the right timing for this. The PC muscle surrounds your prostate. By learning to squeeze your prostate while it is contracting involuntarily, you can stop ejaculation just before the point of no return.
   
4. Find your perineum—the area between your anus and your testicles. While contracting your PC muscle, press a finger into this point, up to your first knuckle. This may sound strange, but it works.
   
5. Place two fingers on the underside of your penis, place your thumb on top, and squeeze.
   
6. Holding your penis in one hand, press down on the tip with your thumb.
   
7. Holding your penis between two fingers and your thumb, squeeze at the base.
   
8. Lie on your back. Gravity will draw blood away from your erection. (If you are already on your back, lift your hips.)
   
9. Pull your scrotal sac down and away from your body. (Your testicles pull up close to the body when you are about to ejaculate.)
   
10. Relaxation is the key to voluntary ejaculation. This is easier to learn in passive, receptive mode; so when you’re with your lover, lie back and let her/him get on top. Let your lover be the surfer and you the surfboard. Relax, breathe, and slow down.
    

Remember, sexual energy will flow wherever you put your attention. If you keep all your focus on your groin—even if you are focusing on stopping your penis from
ejaculating—this is where the energy will flow, and you will ejaculate. When you focus on circulating sexual energy throughout your entire body, you will be able to enjoy orgasmic feelings in other parts of your body, such as your chest, belly, or head. You may even have whole-body orgasms.

What about P-Spot Orgasms?

The prostate gland is located behind the pubic bone and just below the bladder, near the internal root of the penis. The prostate corresponds to the G-spot in women and, like the G-spot, is connected to the pelvic nerve rather than the pudendal nerve. The P-spot is particularly well situated to produce deep, intensely pleasurable sensations, including orgasm.

You cannot massage the P-spot directly. It can only be accessed through the anus, which is filled with millions of delicately sensitive nerve endings. (In postoperative transgender women, the prostate can also be accessed through the back wall of the surgically constructed vagina.) The prostate itself is highly sensitive to pressure. Pressing, rubbing, or stroking the gland through the rectal wall can produce sublime and profound orgasms, especially if the receiver is highly aroused.

You can massage the prostate by inserting a gloved, lubed finger two to three inches into the rectum and stroking toward the front of the body. Gloves are recommended in order to protect the delicate anal membranes from sharp fingernails and rough skin. You can also use a dildo or an insertable vibrator, although a finger is the best way to find the prostate. You’ll feel it as a walnut-sized bulge, although it may be larger in men over forty. As with the G-spot, a man might find P-spot massage irritating if he is not already aroused. And, also like the G-spot, the P-spot can hold strong emotional feelings. Start slowly and let the receiver set the pace.

Whatever your favorite path to orgasm, please remember: there is no right way or wrong way to have an orgasm. Orgasms vary in intensity, duration, and location, but there is simply no such thing as a bad orgasm! As you practice Tantra, you’ll be practicing new ways of moving sexual energy through your body. And as you do, you will probably discover new and expanded varieties of orgasms.

Orgasmic Sounds

One surefire way to have bigger, better, more intense orgasms is to open up your throat chakra and make some noise. Have you ever seen Meg Ryan’s luncheonette demonstration of how to fake an orgasm in the film
When Harry Met Sally?
She puts down her sandwich and begins to moan, starting with a low
ooo
, and then a slightly higher
ohh
. As she gets more and more “turned on,” the pitch of her voice rises.
“Ahh
, yes,
ahh
, yes,” she begs. At the peak of her faux orgasm, she lets go with a high-pitched “YESSSSSS!!!!!” It’s quite a good example of how erotic energy flows up the body on waves of sound.

In addition to pitch, each chakra has a corresponding syllable (or syllables, depending on the yogic tradition you follow). For building erotic energy, I have found these to be the most effective:

* First and second (root and sex) chakras: a very low
ooo
(as in
goose
)

* Third (solar plexus) chakra: a somewhat higher pitched
ohh
(as in
open
)

* Fourth (heart) chakra: a somewhat higher pitched
ahh
(as in
art
)

* Fifth (throat) chakra: a somewhat higher pitch
aay
(as in
play
)

* Sixth and seventh (third eye and crown) chakras: a very high pitched
eee
(as in peep)

Where’s That Orgasm?

Funny but true: If you have sexually expressive neighbors, thin walls, and a taste for voyeurism, you’ll have a fun time playing “Where’s that orgasm?” You can tell where someone’s sexual energy is by paying attention to the pitch of the sounds they’re making. For instance, Meg Ryan seemed to be having an orgasm somewhere between a heartgasm and a throatgasm.

Knowing how to locate orgasmic energy, besides being a fun parlor game, is very useful when you’re with a partner. If your partner is making very low sounds, you could play with their nipples, gently kiss their neck, or vibrate the top of their head to coax the energy upward. If your partner isn’t making any kind of sound, encourage them to do so!

These sounds energize your body and start your chakras spinning. I often do the following exercise at the end of a busy work day to give me the energy to enjoy a fun evening. You can do this alone or facing a partner.

Chakra Sounds

1. Sit or stand comfortably and keep your spine straight.
   
2. Start with a very low
   ooo
   . Feel the sound vibrate deep in your genitals and lower abdomen.
   
3. Raise the pitch a little and let
   ohh
   vibrate your solar plexus. Stay with it. Change pitches slightly until you can actually feel the vibration in your solar plexus.
   
4. Sing or chant a somewhat higher-pitched
   ahh
   . Let your shoulders relax and feel your chest expand. You’ll know it’s the right pitch when you feel the maximum vibration or expansion around your heart.
   
5. Next, sing or chant
   aay
   . Make sure you’ve raised the pitch from the previous chakra. Keep adjusting the pitch until you find the one that gives you the best vibration in your throat.
   
6. Last, sing or chant
   eee
   at the highest pitch you can comfortably reach. Let it vibrate the top of your head!
   

Energy will follow sound. You are moving sexual energy up your body with each higher-pitched sound you make. If you feel too much energy accumulating around your head, then make lower, more guttural sounds to pull it back down. I like to alternate between genital (first chakra), heart (fourth chakra), and third eye (sixth chakra) sounds. Not only do the sounds build and distribute sexual energy, they also release tension or pent-up emotions that might prevent the energy from moving freely through those chakras.

The Universal Hum

As an experiment, my friend Annie Sprinkle and I decided to see if we could have an orgasm by simply making sounds. We sat facing each other in a nice warm bath and began making sexy sounds as we gazed into each other’s eyes. We warmed up with low, grunty sounds, moved on to breathy, throaty sounds, and then moved to high-pitched, “oh-my-god-I’m-coming” sounds. We faked it until we felt it. As my sexual energy started to build, I became less aware of the sounds I was making and more aware of what I was hearing. At first, of course, I heard the sounds Annie was making and the splashing of the bathwater. Then those sounds faded into the background, and I was acutely aware of honking taxicabs and other city street sounds. This was odd, since I was usually unaware of those sounds while in Annie’s apartment, fourteen floors up
from the street. All the apartment windows were closed, yet it was as if I were surrounded by a city full of sounds. I was no longer “doing” sounds, sounds were “doing” me. I floated into some vast space that certainly wasn’t Annie’s apartment. I heard the beginning of a hum. It was deeply soothing and comforting and drew me toward it. The hum grew louder and louder until it filled me inside and out. It was bliss. It wasn’t until years later that I read that Annie and I had stumbled onto what yogis and mystics call the Universal Hum.

I have no idea how long I stayed inside the hum. I know I happily could have stayed there forever, but eventually I started to come back to Annie and the bathtub. We were totally blissed. Had we achieved our goal of using sounds to have an orgasm? We called it a blissgasm. Whatever it was, it was mind-blowing.