When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (3 page)

Saying Words

MOM
: My fingers are saying words. This is amazing.

Higgy Higgy

ME
: hey mom

MOM
: higgy higgy

ME
: . . . umm what’s that supposed to mean

MOM
: oh sorry that was supposed to say hi how are you. i’m new at this

Abusing Quick Text

ME
: Hey dad, when are you going to be home?

DAD
: Let’s meet up!

ME
: Are you sending random quick texts again?

DAD
: Let’s meet up!

GGMM

MOM
: Fantastic!! I am trying to work GGMM in to a text but haven’t had the right context yet. Can you figure out what it is??

ME
: Haha i have no clue . . .

MOM
: One of my catch phrases . . . for showing shock or astonishment. You still don’t know?

ME
: Good god molly moses?

MOM
: Would I say that!?! Good golly, Miss Molly!!

Eyepatch

MOM
: When will you be home? ;)

ME
: Pretty soon, why?

MOM
: Just wondering ;) going to bed soon ;)

ME
: Okay, what’s with the winky face?

MOM
: What?

ME
: This! ;)

MOM
: That’s a pirate. See he has an eyepatch! ;) ;)

Big Ups

MOM
: This is my very first text message. It’s for Jesus!

Pepperoni

MOM
: Is pepperoni coming over?

MOM
: I mean Melanie.

FWD: HELLO!

DAD
: Just wanted to say hello to you!!

DAD
: what is a signature and how do i

DAD
: change it??

:1)}

DAD
: :1)}

ME
: what??

DAD
: this is me with my beard, I’m smiling.

Fast

DAD
: Look how fast im texting!

Hugz from Dad, XO.

DAD
: ({})

ME
: What?!

DAD
: It’s a hug.

ME
: . . . that doesn’t mean what you think it means.

SUBJECT:

DAD
: SUBJECT: sick.
        MESSAGE: Your mother is vomit.

ME
: Vomiting? And how do you even put in a subject?

Heartfelt Apology

DAD
:Iwillpickitupforyou.iamsosorryforbeing meanandnotverycompasionate.Ihopeyouwill forgiveme.LoveDad

Camel Hoof

MOM
: Ewww, this girl just had a camel hoof!

ME
: Camel……toe?

Unread

DAD
: What does “unread” mean on my messages?

ME
: You haven’t read it. . . .

Bloodwork

MOM
: I’ve been farting all day because I have to get bloodwork done tomorrow.

ME
: Did you mean fasting??

MOM
: Oops. I meant to hit the button four times.

Susan Boyle at Rockefeller Center

MOM
: What’s the story??????

ME
: Going out to dinner

MOM
: Not to Susan Doyle?

ME
: Boyle?

MOM
: Doyle

MOM
: The phone has a mind of it’s own! Won’t type B

MOM
: It doesn’t like Susan

MOM
: It prefers Doyle

MOM
: You try

ME
: Boyle

Dickstain

MOM
: i learned 2 txt!

(three hours later)

MOM
: dickstain

F%#@ing Bus

ME
: The bus was late today :(

DAD
: F%#@ing bus!!!! Dont tbey know you have stuff to do??

ME
: Haha you can type the word out, dad.

DAD
: Thats too mainstream for me.

My Pin

DAD
: what is the typey thing I do so we can be BBM friends?

ME
: type my pin without a space in between

DAD
: mypine

DAD
: mypim_

DAD
: my pin

DAD
: it’s not working.

ME
: dad…. .

R2D2

ME
: So are you advanced enough to text now daddy?

DAD
: I’m working on it

(five minutes later)

DAD
: I’m going to name this R 2 D 2

Finals

MOM
: Hi. What are you doing?

ME
: At the library studying for my organic chem exam.

MOM
: Homo.

ME
: Excuse me?

MOM
: I meant to spell GOOD. sorry.

Skillz

MOM
: I am sending a two handed text

Mad

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

MOM
: COME HOME RIGHT NOW

ME
: Okay . . . um why did you send me this 6 times?

MOM
: i am mad

FML

ME
: FML

MOM
: what?

ME
: Fuck my life

MOM
: oh, I thought family medical leave haha

When Parents Watch TV

DAD
: you broke the tv

ME
: no i didnt

DAD
: it wont work, I called comcast and set up an appointment

ME
: did you try pressing the input button?

ME
: . . .

DAD
: sorry was on the phone with comcast, had to cancel appointment

I Love You, Dad

DAD
: What does Totes Magoats* mean?

ME
: Totally

DAD
: Totally what?

ME
: It’s just an expression. Magoets rhymes with totes so people say it.

DAD
: I think life is just passing me by

Emoticon Madness

MOM
: :() that’s a monkey! -:), ME WITH ONE HAIR!

ME
: hahahaha cool mommy

MOM
: :#( SAD MAN WITH MUSTACHE. NOW ITS ALL AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.

Sneaking

ME
: Can you still pick us up in a bit?

MOM
: Wdp

ME
: What?

(fifteen minutes later)

MOM
: I was in a meeting and tried to type that under the desk. Thats hard to do. I didn’t pres the keys enough. Wdp = yes

Pumpkin Bread

MOM
: the text that i just sent u, i sent to the wrong person over an hour ago. I just found out cuz they sent me a text saying “i don’t know who this is but good luck with the pumpkin bread.”

Airplane Mode

MOM
: How do I turn my phone off?

ME
: Hold the red power button down. It’s usually the end call button

MOM
: I don’t understand. I am getting on a plane. I don’t want to cause a plane crash.

MOM
: Hi this is Steve, your mom wanted to let you know she found help turning off her phone, she’ll talk to you in 14 hours. Love you! (this is mom)