Without Doubt (22 page)

“
Dec, it’s not
you
that I won’t marry.
It’s just marriage in general that I don’t necessarily agree with.
But you’re starting to scare me. Are you breaking up with me?” Her
voice hiccups and I want to punch something. “Because I don’t
believe in signing a contract if you love someone?” Her look is
incredulous, not that I blame her. She believes at this point that
it’s marry me or leave—I would be skeptical too. I
have
to do this. I
really don’t want to, I hate it actually, but it has to be done,
for the future. So Harper knows when she’s older that she is more
than wanted by at least one of her biological parents and that she
was blessed to receive Ava.

I stand as I take in a deep breath and walk
over to fridge to grab a bottle of water. I hold it out to her and
offer her one silently. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.
She lets out a frustrated growl and springs to her feet as she
spins to face me.

“
I don’t want a freaking
water! Just spit it out!” she yells as she crosses her arms over
chest.

I usually love when she gets all worked up,
but not today. This shit sucks. “All right.” I take a drink of my
water to coat my dry throat and lean against the counter, propping
myself up with my hands gripping the granite behind me and my feet
kicked out in front of me. “We know that Farrah has hooked up with
someone pretty successful and who, most likely, has the means to
get what he or Farrah wants. What I don’t want happening is for
either of them to decide what they want is Harper.”

“
Oh, gosh,” she says
breathlessly and sits back down in her chair on a jagged exhale. “I
never thought about that.” The tears come on their own accord and
she doesn’t even attempt to stop them.

I’m there in three long strides, grasping
her up in my arms, shushing her like I do Harper when she loses
control of her emotions. Although, Harper’s tears are usually from
her lollipop getting dirt on it, not from the potential of losing
her daughter.

“
Ava. Ava, listen to me. I
am
not
going to
let that happen. Ok? I fucking promise you, I won’t.”

Ava looks up at me, eyes completely
bloodshot, lips swollen, nose and cheeks red and her entire face
wet. “Promise?”

“
Yes, Sunshine. I
promise.” I pull her back into my chest and she buries her wet face
in my neck. I’m not finished, not even close, but I’m hoping now
that she can see and understand why I’m doing what I’m about to ask
her to do and if so, then it won’t be as bad as it could
be.

I hand her the bottle of water again and she
sits up enough to drink some while I push back the hair that is
matted to her face. “I love you,” I tell her as she lowers the
water bottle from her puffy lips.

“
I love you too. I feel
like we’re in a bad dream and I can’t wake up.” She takes a deep
breath and concentrates as she turns the cap back into place on the
bottle like it’s a Rubik’s cube and she’s determined to figure it
out. “You still aren’t finished, are you?” she asks quietly,
peering through her long, wet lashes at me.

That knot is back in my throat and I can’t
speak yet so I just slightly shake my head no.

“
You know,” she begins
again with a pensive look across her beautiful face, “when I was
younger and I started dating Jax, I was the happiest I had been
since before I could remember.”

What the hell? I don’t want to hear about
her ex-boyfriend, especially not right now.

She sits even straighter and looks me in the
eye before she continues. “It was very soon after we started dating
that we found ourselves in love—high school sweethearts, each
other’s world’s, all that. I thought he was my forever.”

I feel like a damn
mosquito keeps stinging me close to the same spot each time, but
not quite, because with each word of her past love for another guy
comes another annoying little sting that keeps intensifying with
time.
Where is she going with
this?

“
My forever with Jax
didn’t exactly turn out how I expected it to, Declan, and I
honestly didn’t plan on ever finding anything like that with anyone
ever again, at least not until Harper was grown and out of the
house. A husband and a family, or a family outside of Harper and I,
wasn’t on my radar. I didn’t have the desire to be hurt again, to
lose another piece of my heart to another past love. Then you
walked into Max’s, and then kept walking into Max’s…” She pauses
and smiles as a little laugh escapes and I feel the corner of my
mouth start to tug upwards also. It’s a good memory. “You didn’t
allow my well-crafted plan to stay in motion, away from men, and
I’m happy about that because now I know that although what I had
with Jax was real, it was minimal compared to the love we have. I
don’t know what else you have to tell me, but just keep in mind
that both of my parents walked out on me and I haven’t ever
bothered to look for either of them. My only sibling left her
daughter and me and I never tried to find her, either. My boyfriend
left to go to school and I didn’t follow.” Ava’s voice is becoming
more forceful, stronger as she continues, “The only person in this
universe that I will move Heaven and earth for is Harper. I’m aware
that she’s yours biologically, but she has been mine in every other
sense her whole life and I will never take that
lightly.”

An avalanche lands on my chest as her words
spill from her mouth. Every single person in her life that she has
loved has hurt her and left her. I’m not trying to do either of
those things, but I have a terrible feeling that she’s not going to
see it like that. Ava has lifted herself from my lap and is
currently rinsing her face with cold water from the kitchen sink.
My chest physically hurts when I breathe in but all I can do is
watch her; watch my world as she puts herself back together and
prepares for what’s to come next. Slowly, after drying off her red
face, she turns and looks at me and waits for an explanation.

If I didn’t know her so well and understand
that she needed her space for this, I would be across the kitchen
gathering her up in my arms in a second so she can feel the
intensity of my love for her and never doubt it as I tell her my
plan. But I can’t do that. Instead, I have to sit too far away on
this damn chair that was way too expensive because Macie said I had
to pay for comfort. Well, I’m not feeling the comfort today.

“
First things first,
Sunshine. I am not breaking up with you. Secondly, after I explain,
I’m not letting you break this family, either. Got it?” It takes
every ounce in me to sound like a hard ass when I feel like an
emotional girl; I’m completely freaking out right now. But this is
how Ava usually responds to me, so I’ll give it a shot
it.

“
Just tell me, Declan.”
She’s tired, and I get it because I am too. That week we went
without talking paled in comparison to this past week.

“
Like I said earlier,
Sunshine, when your sister left here that day I had no idea what to
do or how to feel. I was lost and confused. I knew that nothing
really changed because I had already considered her mine for a long
time, but somehow in that short conversation, the wires inside me
were switched around. What I felt for Harper that morning and then
the feelings that were growing were definitely not the same. The
change was almost surreal. It was like a panicked feeling. Don’t
get me wrong, panicked in a good way for sure. I didn’t realize
that before that morning I was missing any type of love or feelings
for her; I honestly didn’t think I could love or worry about her
any more than I already did, but I was very wrong.” I chance a look
at my beautiful girl; a smile graces her lips and it urges me to
continue. “I didn’t go to the gym with Grey. We drove around for a
couple of hours and he let me talk it through, trying to get it
straight in my head. Then I did the only thing that kept coming
back to me. I called my lawyer.” I don’t want to look at her now,
but I can see her blonde head bobbing up and down as if she
expected as much.

“
I know you have custody
and I believe wholeheartedly that there would never be a problem as
far as the three of us go. Actually, I
know
that. That’s not what I’m
worried about. What I’m worried about is the fact that we live in
California and your sister can snap her fingers and get Harper back
whenever she wants. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s a fit
parent, and she apparently has the means to support her child
now.”

“
So you want full
custody?” she asks quietly. “I would have a say in this house, but
nothing medically or legally? Is that what you’re trying to
say?”

A sigh escapes me because it sounds bad; I
hear it myself. She’s so angry, she’s no longer sad. She’s
fuming.

“
We think it’s the safest
course to take. If Farrah were to try and get her, the best she
could get would be fifty percent custody, and even that would be a
fight with Harper already living in our home with her biological
father and you, who has had custody basically her whole
life.”

“
And you expect me to just
sign her over to you? Relinquish all rights, all…all decision
making? She’s not a car, Declan! This is a child.
My
child! I can sort of
see how you would think this makes sense, but this is
not
happening. You’re
not taking her away from me. All it takes is one screw up, one
change of plan, and I’m screwed. I lose parental rights to her
legally now and it’s fine because we’re a team, but what happens
next year when you’re famous? When you can’t resist the women
throwing themselves at you and you cheat on me? Or…”

Oh fucking hell no, now
I’m livid. I know she did
not
just throw shit in my face that I haven’t even
done. Just as my anger is rising, I notice Ava collecting herself.
She takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes for a few seconds
before reopening them and continuing.

“
I’m sorry. That wasn’t
fair, but what happens when I become too normal, too boring for
your new life and we just don’t work anymore? I hate to admit that
out loud, but it’s a definite possibility that we have to consider
here, Declan. Then, at that point, the state has the location of
both of her parents and since at least one of them wants her,
there’s no way in hell I have any chance at being her mother. Sure,
we can pretend all we want. She can call me Mom, she can live with
me half the time if you would be so kind to let that happen, but I
can’t register her for school. I wouldn’t even be able to sign her
emergency card. And college? I would have to be on the sidelines
for everything, Dec. You can’t do this to me.” Ava is sobbing as
she slides down to the kitchen floor and I just sit here with my
face in my hands, because I’m helpless.

There isn’t a damn thing I can do.

Ava

Today is the day. We have been through
months of waiting. Harper isn’t a priority case, according to the
state, since she had two parents that love her deeply, so much so
that we can’t decide who deserves her more. It really wasn’t that
difficult of a case according to Jax and his father, who so kindly
took me on. California is a cluttered mess and things take time.
Not in all cases, but for the most part, biological parents trump
anyone and everyone. My sister wanted absolutely nothing to do with
any of this and wanted to make sure that her new husband’s name
didn’t get dragged into any drama so neither of us have heard
anything from her.

It probably would have been cut and dry from
the initial paperwork Declan’s attorney filed that he is awarded
full custody of Harper Layne Sterling, but Jax’s dad is good. He’s
made enough ruckus with Declan’s attorneys to get us into a meeting
with a mediator to try and get me at least some medical and legal
rights.

When I moved out of Declan’s, I decided to
put school on hold. It’s something I never thought I would do, but
hey, life gets in the way of your plans…or… life is what happens
when you’re busy making plans or something like that. I took a job
as an entry-level child psychologist and Marla and I moved into a
cute three-bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. When we first moved
in, there was no real rhyme or reason to when either Declan or I
had Harper, we just did what worked for us, but we quickly realized
that didn’t work for Harper. The girl has had structure her whole
life and not having it was wreaking havoc on her whole world, so we
very cordially sat down together and decided that we would do seven
days on/seven days off and she would come to me whenever he had to
go out of town. I cried every day for my first seven days off. I
hated it. I made Declan Skype me every night at bedtime and before
work too. He didn’t seem to mind, but it wouldn’t matter if he did,
since it was necessary for my survival.

There hasn’t been a point where I wish I
could take all this back and go back home to them. But there are
points every day, especially throughout the long, lonely days, that
I wish and pray that things could be different. Declan is the one
guy for me, the one who ruins all others. I may not be lonely for
the rest of my life. I may be able to find another guy, or another
guy may be able to find me, but he won’t be able to hold a candle
to Declan. This is fact.

I’m just finishing slipping on my heels when
the doorbell rings. Marla had to work this morning and is meeting
with the family back here after court. I take a quick glance in the
mirror and barely recognize myself from back when I tended bar at
Max’s. Gone are the cut offs and plaid shirts, in their place is a
sleek grey skirt suit with white color blocking down the sides and
a smooth white fitted tank underneath. My hair is down and straight
in its A-line bob; my makeup is more than I used to wear but is
still very natural.