“Wait!” I said, grabbing her arm. “You haven’t spoken to me in over two months. Please don’t walk away from me now. I know you only come here when you’re depressed. I want to know why you’re here riding Elise’s horse. Talk to me. Please. Tell me what’s going on.”
“You really want to know?”
“Yes, Michelle, I really do.”
“Okay.” Her hands were on her hips, and her chin jutted out defiantly. “I haven’t talked to you in two months because I couldn’t face you! Do you understand?”
“Why? Because of Owen?”
“No, not because of Owen.”
“Then why? What is it?”
She wiped some hair off her forehead and sighed. “Emma, I couldn’t face you because I didn’t want you to know the truth. I didn’t think you could handle it. Actually, I didn’t think I could handle you knowing.”
“Knowing what?” I said. She turned away, but I forced her to look at me. “Michelle, what didn’t you want me to know?”
And then she began to cry. It was like seeing my father cry—deeply disturbing but also rare and private, a tiny miracle.
“Emma,” she said, her voice cracking. She hugged her arms to her chest like she was caving in on herself. “Haven’t you figured it out yet?”
I stared at her in wonder, feeling helpless. “No, Michelle,” I said softly. “I haven’t.”
And then suddenly I did.
Michelle’s secret romance this summer. The “dark place” Darlene had alluded to. And the way Michelle had just reacted when I asked if Jess could move in with us.
A few seconds passed as I recalibrated everything I thought I knew to fit this new truth.
Michelle finally looked at me, her face weighted with fear and uncertainty. She was waiting for me to say something, and I knew it had to be the right thing. I had spent far too much of my year saying and doing the wrong thing.
But tears came to my eyes, and my throat closed in a lump. And I realized no words would do right now. So I flung my arms around her, hugging her whether she liked it or not. Slowly, her arms dropped, and she let me hug her. And in that moment, it was like every twisted and leaden thing I’d ever allowed myself to feel suddenly dissolved.
When we pulled away, she looked down at the ground, still afraid to see my reaction. “Why didn’t you want me to know?” I said.
She sighed, visibly relieved and wiping tears from her eyes. “Emma, I could barely face it myself.”
We sat down on a bench in front of the horse stalls. Even though this equestrian center was brand new, it felt like the first time I’d found Michelle up in the hayloft of the old stables, crying over how cruel girls could be.
She bit her lip, embarrassed. “Early this summer, I was spending a lot of time with Owen and the band, and I was really surprised that Jess and I got along. She told me a little about her falling-out with Elise, and I told her all about you, and she seemed anxious to get to know you. It started off as friendship. And then one night, Flynn got wasted, and Owen had to drive him home, so Jess and I were alone at the Depot. We were listening to music, laughing and talking, and the next thing I knew, she was kissing me. And . . . I kissed back. It wasn’t like I planned it. It just happened. I felt so guilty about it later, like I’d done something wrong. But we couldn’t stay away from each other.”
“So Jess was the summer fling you told me about.”
“Yeah,” she said. “But then everything got so complicated. I mean, I still had feelings for Owen, and I didn’t want to hurt him. And when I told you about it, you got so judgmental.”
“Michelle, I didn’t know the whole story. I didn’t understand.”
“Hell, Emma, I don’t understand it myself. I still don’t know what it all means. And now Jess is dealing with all of this alone. I wish I could be there for her, but I’m just not ready to . . .” She let her head fall to her chest. “I mean, I don’t know if I’m gay or if I was just experimenting or what. I’m still working things out. But, Emma, promise you won’t tell anyone. I’m not ready for anyone to know.”
“Of course not,” I said. “I would never tell anyone. I just feel bad that you’ve been dealing with this by yourself. Does anyone know? Elise? Darlene?”
“No,” she said. “Only you and Owen.”
“You told Owen?” I said.
“Well, I felt like he deserved an explanation.”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said. “God, Michelle, I can’t believe I was so in the dark on this.”
“Well, I was pretty intent on keeping you there,” she said. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. And I’m sorry about the whole scene the night of the cast party. I don’t know why it bothered me so much when I saw you kissing Owen.”
“You had every right to be upset.”
“No, I overreacted. I was just so confused, and everything seemed like it was spiraling out of control. I didn’t want things to change.”
“I am quite in touch with that emotion,” I said, and Michelle laughed.
As we started walking up the hill back toward the dorms, for the first time in a long time, I felt like Michelle and I were finally ready to face the future. Because now we had each other.
C
HAPTER
15
I
t was such a relief to be able to talk to my roommate again, to no longer feel as if an electrified fence divided our room down the center. The hardest part was balancing my friendship with Michelle and my friendship with Jess without revealing that I knew their connection. Michelle made it perfectly clear she wasn’t ready to deal with what had happened this summer. But I felt sorry for Jess, who was being forced to wait helplessly while Michelle figured out what she wanted. I could relate. Gray had forced me into the same position when he went off to find himself in the Coast Guard, leaving me alone to deal with my broken heart.
The most awkward part of this balancing act was going to the dining hall. Jess and I would be walking to our table, and I’d see Michelle and Elise sitting at theirs. But instead of being able to go over and say hi, I’d wave sheepishly at Michelle, and she’d nod to me like we were barely friends. It was frustrating.
At least Jess seemed to be doing a little better. In fact, since she had been outed, there was a new lightness about her, like an enormous weight had been lifted. She wasn’t wearing as much black clothing or as much eye makeup, and her hair wasn’t always covering her face. She seemed happy. Optimistic.
One afternoon in French, I was thrilled to be chatting with her about ordinary, everyday teen stuff instead of life-and-death, monumental teen stuff. Jess was telling me that Ice-9 was playing at the Depot’s open-mic night in a few weeks.
“Look, I know you like to be lame and stay home, pining away for your ex-boyfriend, but you’re coming, right?” she said.
“Of course I am. I wouldn’t miss it.”
“And you’re going to wear that hot dress we found at Vintage with those ruby heels, and you’re going to forget all about Gray and dance with some hot, sweaty stranger.”
“Okay,” I said, “but does he have to be sweaty?”
Jess burst out laughing, and Madame began walking toward our desk with a scowl. I was expecting her usual owlish reprimand, but she merely slid an envelope in front of me, smiled, and walked away.
Jess looked at me curiously. “Love letter?” she said.
“Ha ha. Very funny.”
I slit the envelope open and pulled out a typed letter that began: “Je suis heureux de vous informer”—perhaps the six best words to begin any letter—
I am pleased to inform you
. . .
I had won the scholarship to Paris.
Elation and disbelief swept through me. I was going to spend my senior year at Lycée Saint-Antoine, a boarding school that stood on the grounds of the old Bastille prison!
Jess regarded me quizzically, and I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. It was all I could do not to sweep her across the classroom floor in a waltz.
“You got it?” she said. “Oh my God, Emma, you got the scholarship! I knew you would get it!”
She hugged me, and we did do a little celebratory dance. Madame didn’t seem to mind the distraction. Class was almost over.
As we walked to gym together afterward, Jess said, “I’m really happy for you, Em, but I’m bummed, too. I can’t believe you’re abandoning me!”
“Aw, Jess, I’m sorry.”
“How am I ever going to deal with this place on my own?”
“Owen and Flynn will be around, won’t they?”
“No, didn’t they tell you? They’re taking a year off after graduation. They’re going to backpack through Europe and try to get some gigs for the band.”
“Without their star drummer?”
“I know,” she said. “I’m being replaced by a drum machine.”
“The nerve!”
“And then there’s the little matter of Elise. If you got your letter of acceptance, surely Elise has gotten her rejection.”
“Oh God, I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Don’t sweat it,” she said. “Elise can go to Paris whenever she wants.”
“I know, really. I can’t understand why she even wanted the scholarship. Probably just so I wouldn’t get it.”
“No, that’s not it,” Jess said. “Mostly it’s to get away from her mom.”
“What do you mean?”
“Her parents are getting a divorce, and Elise’s mom is gunning for custody. And she’ll probably get it, too. Her lawyer’s a pit bull. But Elise wants to stay with her dad.”
I didn’t blame her. Last year after Michelle beat Elise in the equestrian championship, Mr. Fairchild gave Michelle a bouquet of flowers and congratulated her on the win. And Mrs. Fairchild slapped her daughter in the face for losing. As tense as things sometimes got between my dad and me, I couldn’t imagine him ever slapping me.
“How do you know this?” I said.
She looked at me and grinned sheepishly. “Elise and I have been talking again,” she said. “In fact, she told me I could move into her room if I wanted. Amber and I can switch places, and then I won’t have to deal with Chelsea’s bullshit anymore.”
“That was nice of her,” I said. But I was still skeptical. “Do you trust her?”
“Yeah, I actually do. She’s been really supportive. And I realized she was right. I wasn’t fair to her last summer. I pushed her away because I couldn’t deal with her knowing the truth. But she’s kept my secret all these months, which wasn’t easy for her to do. So I’m giving her a second chance, and she’s giving me one. Everyone deserves a second chance, don’t you think?”
I nodded. But as sure as Jess seemed, I still anticipated some kind of scene over the scholarship in gym class. I nearly fell over when Elise congratulated me in the locker room. I didn’t even detect any sarcasm in her voice. And as we played volleyball that afternoon, she didn’t try to spike the ball in my face, and I didn’t gloat when we beat her team three out of five sets.
Life seemed to be looking up. Not only had I reconciled with two of my friends, but Elise and I had reached détente, and I felt like I was finally moving on from Gray, getting close to a semblance of happiness with the new status quo.
When I got back to the room, I called my dad to tell him about the scholarship. That brought me down a few pegs.
“I’m happy for you, Emma,” he said, “but we’re going to have to discuss this further. I don’t know anything about this school, what kind of programs they offer, how it might affect your college admissions prospects.”
“Dad, it will look great to colleges,” I said. “How many high school kids get a chance to study abroad?”
Even with all my persuasive tactics, he was still skeptical. And like my grandma had said, at the root of his reluctance was the fact that he didn’t want me to grow up. I knew this was partly because I was an only child, and it terrified him to think of me leaving. But if he didn’t stop seeing me as his little girl, I’d never be able to become the woman I wanted to be.
I glanced out my window at the steely winter sky. I hadn’t gone running much lately because of all the ice and snow, but I decided a brisk circuit around campus might do wonders for my mood. I’d forgotten how good it felt to lose myself in a run, to let the world flash by in a blur while I tore through air and space.
But I hadn’t counted on being so out of shape. When I reached the woods by the stables, I paused at the fateful log bridge to catch my breath. I thought about the last time I’d crossed here, how terrifying it had been to step into Hester’s shoes. But if Darlene was right, traveling into her story was forcing me to reconcile the two halves of myself, something I’d been reluctant to do until now. Something I needed to do.
I wasn’t sure if the transformation had to occur spontaneously, or if I could in some way make it happen, so I crossed the bridge now and stared into the water, half expecting to see Pearl’s reflection on top of my own. But Hester was the one I needed now. If I was ever going to face my future, I had to face the truth about who I was becoming.
Of course now that I wanted it to happen, Hester’s world resisted me. It seemed I couldn’t force the connection.
I stared wistfully at the rosebush on the other side of the bridge. In another month or two, it would be a riot of red blooms. I remembered plucking that rose back in October—the way the flower had crumpled in my pocket and died trapped in glass.
And that quickly, I was thinking of Gray. The force of my longing hit me like a sucker punch to the gut. Why did grief do this—lull us into thinking we were fine only to wallop us with a fresh dose of misery when we least expected it?
Maybe Gray had known it wasn’t the right time for us. Maybe he’d known that by clinging too tightly, we might smother something beautiful and fragile before it had the chance to grow.
I could only hope he was right and that someday, we might get another chance.
C
HAPTER
16
J
ust as I had tried to put my feelings for Gray on hold, Michelle tried to put her feelings for Jess on hold. But it wasn’t working. When Valentine’s Day rolled around, Michelle told me that Jess had texted her just to say she missed her.
“Did you text her back?” I said. Michelle frowned, looking disappointed in herself. “Why not?”
“I didn’t want to encourage her.”