10-80: Line of Duty Series (10 page)

Paula gasped as I backed up and finished, “So, go on back and take your desperate, thirsty ass inside to kiss more McFadden ass. The only one that can quench my thirst is
Trap
pussy.”

Her mouth was wide open and her eyes double their size. I made my way to the truck and drove home.

As I was retiring for the night, an emergency notice crossed the bottom of the screen, stating that there was a shooting and a man was killed by a police officer behind
The Trap
.

Oh shit.

N
ews
of the murder was all around the neighborhood. L.A. had been killed by a cop right in the back alley with no cameras. It was reported that he pulled a gun on the cop however there was no one else back there to see it. This was the third shooting of someone by a cop in the past two years. It was outrageous that we were dying like this. The violence against each other was bad enough, but the very people that were supposed to protect us were killing us. Not just at
The Trap
or Brooklyn but around the country.

Enough was enough.

There was a vigil at two that I planned to attend. So after Zee went to school, I washed some clothes, then prepared to leave. My phone buzzed with a text message.

Ryan: hey sweetness, I have an hour off, want to grab lunch

Me: Sorry, can’t. Going to the vigil

Ryan: For the guy that was killed. You know him.

Me: Heard of him, yeah

Ryan: Will the vigil be for the entire two hours?

Me: I don’t know, but we’re having a community meeting afterward, so I’ll be there as well

Ryan: I see

Ryan: Maybe I’ll stop by there then

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ryan: Because I’m a cop

Me: Yeah, amongst other things

Ryan: What does that mean?

Me: It means, a cop killed another innocent black person and we’re left picking up the pieces

Ryan: Innocent?

The telephone started buzzing consistently, meaning someone was calling.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Innocent? Really, D’asia.” Ryan chimed in.

“Look, I don’t want to have this discussion with you, okay?”

“D’asia,” he sighed. “We’re going to need to discuss things like this.”

“Not today,” I sighed as well. “Just not today.”

“Fine, not today.” Ryan conceded. “When can I see you?”

“I’m not sure you should risk coming here and I have Zee during the week, so I just don’t know.” I was feeling very apprehensive.

“It sounds like you are saying something else.” He uttered.

“I have to go Ryan, will talk to you later.”

“We
will
talk later,” he said that like it was a promise.

After hanging up, I left for the vigil.

T
here were so
many people out there for the ceremony. L.A. was definitely a part of a gang or something because they were all out there with the same colors. Besides that, there were so many other people of all ages that were out paying tribute to yet another lost one. Jay-Z’s song, Lost One, played in the background, which brought tears to my eyes.

The lyrics that stood out to me included:
You lost one, let go to get one…Place any burden on me, but please not that, Lord…Can’t run from the pain, so go towards it
.

Many of us stood out there as different people talked about him, his hopes and dreams. He seemed to be pretty smart and that was shared even amongst his gang. He was only twenty-three years old which was the same age as me.

My heart tightened at the thought. I started crying more. Not because of him, but because it brought my mortality before me. The fact that I could end up dead just like him. Never to grace this earth again. Not see Zee and be a part of his life. Not reaching my purpose or fulfilling everything I wanted to do. Not experience true love. Starting my career, watching Zee graduate from high school, getting that house, getting married, having babies, raising them, retiring and living my life. I wanted to live free. Not here.

A hand touched my back. When I turned around, Mrs. Henry was behind me with tears in her eyes. We embraced each other and cried together.

By the time we made it to the community meeting, people were upset and on the verge of using violence to rectify the death. Some activist tried to calm the gang down and present the facts. No cops were present, but there were a few reporters.

The story that was explained was that L.A. was asked to turn around with his hands up. He didn’t and when he finally did turn, his hands were not up but going for his waist, so the cop shot him twice. It was reported that there was a gun in the front of his jeans in the tucked in his underwear. Some people felt like a gun was planted on him. His gang did not seem too outraged about this tidbit, more than the fact that he was dead and they seemed to want retribution.

One of the local councilmen came to the bench and said, “Yes, our black men are dying every day, but will we sit back and continue to allow this massacre? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should retaliate.” Groans came from L.A.’s gang. “What I am saying is that we need to be vigilant. We have this hear no evil, see no evil mantra and it needs to stop. If a cop pulls someone over, pull out your phone and record it.”

I found myself nodding my head. Especially after watching that video of Sandra Bland. As a black woman, that scared the hell out of me. Just because I was having a bad day and being within my rights, meant that I needed to be dragged out of my car and later, I’m found dead.

Something had to be done.

“We need to stop this mess about minding our business. When we ignore the massacre that is executing the black men and women, we are allowing this to happen. Call people to the carpet. Pull out your phones. Record, share, and spread the word. This is one current way we can protect each other. This is also another way that will bring us together, so we are not killing each other. Because if we are really telling the truth, we should not be the executioner of our own.”

Everyone started applauding, even the gang.

He was right.

I
stopped
by the grocery store to pick up some food for the next day, when I saw an ad that said they had a program that allowed people living in public housing to own homes. It was the rent-to-own program and it was a way out of
The
Trap
.

Snatching the torn paper at the bottom, I felt determined. Life was too short to keep kicking dust around. My classes were good, but I was twenty-three years old and I had shit to do.

While I was planning my next moves, a woman bumped me in the convenient store. I turned with a grimace on my face because this was no accidental bump. Looking up, I saw those ugly shoes and navy pants and started to panic. Ryan was here?

But it wasn’t him. It was the cop from the precinct that had her face screwed up the other day.

“Excuse me,” I snapped at her.

Cop or not, that was rude as hell.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there.” She pasted on a fake smile.

I turned to make my way to the dairy aisle, when she said, “You know Ryan is just using you right?”

That certainly halted me in my tracks. There was no need to turn around because I knew where this was going. She was here to warn me off. Tell me to stay away from her man. Let me know that I wasn’t in his league.

For some reason, I started laughing out loud.

“Do you not care what he thinks of you?”

“I know exactly what he thinks of me and I know what you are going to say he thinks of me.” I continued to laugh and walked towards the yogurt.

Her voice was close, so she must have followed me.

“You’re just the flavor of the hood. He won the bet, so he gets to hit it.”

“Right,” I picked up the Kiwi yogurt. “He’ll dump me when he gets tired of me, then he’ll go back to you. The desperate bitch that’s following me around my local neighborhood store to warn me off her man or man to be, Right?”

She scoffed.

“Don’t worry,” I continued to laugh as I walked to the register. “When his face was between my legs, he made it clear what he thought of me. That works for now.”

“You’re just a hood bitch, living off of my dollars.” She sneered.

“Wouldn’t you like to think so?” I laughed. “Dumb bitch. Get ya fucking life. If Ryan was the least bit interested in you, he’d be in you and not me. You feel me?”

“No, I don’t feel you.” Her face was screwed up in every way possible.

“Right because he does as much as he can.” I shook my head and walked to the register and put down two dollars. “Keep the change.”

I walked out and headed for home. When I arrived I saw a man sitting near my door with a hood on his head. I kept one foot on the elevator just in case I needed to run. The man turned, then took off his hood.

“It’s me, D’asia.” Ryan’s dark, short hair moved back into place.

I audibly exhaled and walked towards him.

“What’s up? You scared me,” I said in a low voice.

“Needed to see you.” he looked unsettled. “Only got 15 minutes.”

“Oh, okay. Is everything alright?”

“We’ll talk inside.”

After I had unlocked the door, we stepped into the living room and I asked again, “Is everything alright?”

“That’s the question I want to ask you.” He raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“You seemed like you were trying to say something earlier. You don’t want to talk about it and we haven’t addressed it, but I’m a cop. I love being a cop and shit does happen and people die. I get it, but I don’t want that to interfere with us.”

I shook my head as I thought about all the hatred I felt in the room earlier and how, for the most part, besides retaliating, I was in agreement.

“This is the thing, Ryan.” I leveled my eyes to his. “We live in two different worlds. You’ll never understand where I’m coming from. You don’t get that black people are targeted because they are just that. Black. You don’t get that driving while black is an actual thing. Shit, I’m nervous as a black woman, after what happened to Sandra Bland. You are on the other side and I don’t know how to reconcile that.” I was looking for a sign. “Don’t get me wrong. This has been great, but I just don’t see us making this beyond the sexual thing we have for each other.”

He narrowed his eyes at me and took a deep breath.

“You’re trying to end us.” He stated. “Because someone in your hood was shot by a cop. I need to pay for all the sins of cops that have wronged black people. I need to give you up because you don’t know how to reconcile us. What the fuck does one have to do with the other?” His hand cupped my chin, so I was looking directly at him. “What’s between you and me, is just that. What the fuck does a shooting that has nothing do with me or you, have to do with us?”

“What us?” I snapped.

“D’asia,” he said through gritted teeth. “If you don’t know what us we’re talking about, then this is more fucked up than I thought.”

“It is fucked up, Ryan.” My eyes bore into him. “You are a goddamn cop who can’t even walk in to see me because of who you are. We can’t walk down the street holding hands. You’ve arrested my brother twice. I mean, what does that tell you. Two different worlds.” My hands were flailing and circling in the air. “What? I didn’t make the goddamn rules. It is what it is. Yeah, I don’t know what to do about it.”

“You fight for what you want, D’asia.” He looked disappointed in me. “For fuck’s sake! You want me sweetness, you lift your middle finger up at them and tell them to kiss your ass and if they have a problem with it, see me. I don’t give one fuck about the goddamn rules. I want you. After it’s all said and done. After the media gets finished playing the cops and black people’s shit has played out. I fucking want you. That’s it.”

“See,” I smiled with no glee at all in my heart. “You think the media is stirring shit and I’m telling you from FUCKING experience. We, us black folks, get fucked more often than anyone wants to talk about. That shit happens and if you sit here and say it doesn’t. You can leave now because I can’t fuck with ignorant people.”

He folded his arms across his chest and glared at me. “D’asia, if you think the media is not stirring shit, then you are just as crazy as the guy talking about policing the police. Recording everything they do? Are you kidding?”

My arms snaked around my chest at his comments. “Are you fucking serious?” I yelled. “Oh my God. Wow!”

He raised an eyebrow up, then leaned down and opened his mouth to say something, but static from his radio, chimed in.

“McFadden, what’s your ETA? 10-4”

With his eyes still on me and glare in place, he picked up the radio and said, “Still doing patrol at
The Trap. 10-4
.”

“Potential 10-34, use caution,” The voice chirped through the speakers.

“Copy that. 10-4.” He pulled his hand down. “We’ll continue this next time.”

“What’s the point?” I said quickly.

He stepped towards me and said, “Like I told you before. Until we both come to a consensus, this is live. Got me. Why you’re so willing to give up on us. And yes, I fucking said, us. You and me. You don’t get to do that shit, D’asia. That’s not going to work.”

I shook my head and before I could say anything, he pulled me towards him and kissed me. At first, he took over then he coaxed my lips open.

God, it was hard to resist him. Especially with his mouth on me and tongue inside of me.

When I moaned in his mouth, he pulled away.

“Later,” he nodded.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes.

I
t was coming
and I felt it. Not sure why I was holding on. I didn’t want to let her go. We were new, but here was something. I never felt like this with anyone, but I swear, she made me want to arrest her ass just to keep her near me.

However, the recurring theme from all sides, including her, was the two different worlds. Blue and everything else. I came from a family of cops and she came from a family of lost opportunities. We were different, but nobody could make me think we couldn’t work.

“So, what’s your take on this last shooting?” Sal asked as we patrolled East Harlem.

“What do you mean, my take?” I asked for clarification.

“Clean kill or what?”

“The man says it was clean, it was clean.” I shrugged. “What? You know different?”

“Nah, I don’t know different, but I know Les. The man shoots first, asks questions later. The shit was bound to catch up with him, but you know. Blue is blue.”

What?

“Later?” I turned towards him, as we drove down 102nd street. “You suspect his story is different than what was told.”

“Nah, nah.” Sal shook his head. “I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t. He’s from that ole’ school of blue. You know, like your people. Filth needs to be cleaned up. After you’ve seen enough of the damage it causes, it’s time to clean house.”

My people?

“Sal, what the fuck are you talking about? My people?”

“Man, your pops and your mom. She’s more polished now, but that’s still old school cop. You know. I bet if she found out about your lil’ girlfriend, she’d do everything in her power to rip that up. Your folks are ole’ school. They don’t do that mixing of the blue and red blood.”

“Sal, I know you been around for a bit, but what do you know about my father? It’s been over twenty years and you sitting here like you used to shoot the shit with him. You have some years on me, but not that many. I doubt he would have been hanging around a rookie telling his tales. So before you go categorizing my family in anything, you better think twice about that shit. I was always raised to put the law first. Not the blue code or any of that shit. My mom may be a lot of things, but she cares about the law. She may want ridiculous things for her family, but that’s the way I was raised.” I pulled over and put the car into park.

“No need to get touchy.” Sal held up his hands with a smirk.

“You’re sitting here accusing my family of being a part of the very thing, I joined the force to stop. Fuck yeah, I’m touchy. Filth is everywhere, let’s not forget that. And more importantly, it can be disguised as anything. Even ole’ school cops who’ve had a badge. That is not the type of police I want to be.”

Sal’s face blanched, “Me neither. I’m not saying anything different. All I was trying to say was, I wouldn’t be surprised if Les was in the wrong.”

“But what is the blue is blue comment?” I asked.

“We took an oath and we stand by our brother’s that took that same oath. That’s what I mean. Blue is blue. Remember that.” Sal said and got out the car.

None of this was sitting right with me. His comments, his subtle threat and the insinuation of my family, specifically my father.

I was doing another double shift and Sal had just finished his. I watched him walk into his dark house. He and Sara had been on the outs, so he was probably suffering his own internal hell. Partners didn’t talk about shit like that. What they usually did was tell their spouse, take it out on their spouse or on a bottle or some other form of escape. I wanted a spouse to talk with.

Well, I wanted D’asia to talk with, but for the first time, I realized why they said blue should stick with blue. Only a cop understood cop shit. Just like the army and any other career choice. Trying to explain the sick shit you see on the streets to someone that has no concept of that shit, is cruel and unusual punishment.

D
’asia
:

I had not heard from Ryan since yesterday. This was good, but it also hurt. I was the one telling him, we couldn’t be together, but I was sad that he had not called.

Stupid emotions.

He had penetrated my heart and I didn’t like that. I also did not want to lose him. He had showed more generosity, genuineness, kindness and interest since day one. He pushed, challenged and encouraged me. I guess I needed that, more than I knew.

My conversation with my counselor at the Life Program was beyond informative. She was going to make some calls and see about me getting an internship with a local law firm. Criminal justice was definitely an interest of mine, but lately I’d been feeling a major pull towards the field. In what capacity, I was not sure, but an internship would definitely help me hone my skills.

On my way to class, I ran into Kash. Well, he ran into me, literally. I dropped my books and everything as he was turning the corner on foot. Kash was always driving or being driven, so it was almost weird to see him on foot.

“My bad, baby girl.” He bent to pick up my books. “Where you in a rush too?”

“School.” I smiled and took the books from him, yet he continued to stare at the books.

When I looked down, they were all covered in brown paper to preserve them and I had doodled on most of them.

Finally, he blinked.

“Good. Always knew you were beyond these walls. Why you still around here?” He asked sincerely.

The man had to be in his early 40’s, but he looked well in his twenties, goatee, above average in looks with mahogany skin. Tyrese had nothing on Kash. Everybody wanted him, others wanted to be like him or a piece of him. The man was powerful, rich and could be ruthless. I guess he had to be.

“Just trying to get my brother through school.” I replied. “I’ve meant to talk to you about that.”

“Baby girl, them,” he pointed to the south side of the projects, “they won’t let up on him. Zee is tall, smart and physically strong. They need muscle and though I’ve put in my bid for them to steer clear of him, unless I’m putting something in to replace him, I got no say. You feel me? Get him the fuck outta here, aight.”

What the hell was going on in the world? Big time drug dealer, business mogul, Kash a.k.a. Kaseem was telling me to get my brother out of here to save us?

What?

“Despite your moms, you are not from this cloth. Some of these people are fucked and they ain’t got shit going for them and they alright with that. That’s fine and all, but this shit ain’t you. Listen, still in debt to you, so whatever you need. I got you. I’m willing to put a down payment on something for you to get the fuck outta here. You’ve done what you can. Now do something for you.”

He was talking about my mom. I got it, he was saying, I did what I could do for her. A tear hit my eye because on some level, I wondered if there was more to do. I had learned the hard way so many times, but damn, to hear those words had been another thing I didn’t know I needed.

I nodded my head at him, “I’m working on it, Kash.” Holding up the book, “I’m on it.”

“Work faster,” he nodded back. “I’ll send something by one of mine. Aight.”

“That’s not necessary, Kash.” He showed me a raised eyebrow, so I said no more, except, “How is your daughter doing? Sabrina?”

His eyes went soft, then he said, “She is on the honor roll. Straight A student, looks like her mama, and smart like her old man.”

Wow, the biggest, badest man on the block, brought down by a girl.

“That’s awesome to hear. So proud of her.”

“Thanks to you, baby girl. Won’t ever forget it.” He nodded like he was going to walk away, then he turned his head back around and said, “What’s with you and the cop?”

What the fuck
?

“What?” I asked.

I was a horrible liar. My mouth was open, sweat had to be pouring down the sides of my temples as I was trying to figure a way out of this predicament.

“You,” he pointed to me, “and the white cop.” His whole body turned around to face me again.

I could not tell if he was upset, mad, disappointed or what.

“I, uh.”

“It’s serious?” He asked.

“Uh,” I couldn’t talk.

“If it is, speed up your move. If not, end that shit. If I know, others will find out shortly.”

“How?” I managed to say.

“Baby girl,” he smiled. “I have eyes and ears everywhere. The only way to survive.” He nodded, pulled out a card, and then said, “I’ll be in touch.”

I took the card from him and walked to my class, trying to figure out how in the world he knew about Ryan.

The class was very lively today, especially with the shooting that happened behind my building. Professor Hillman was in rare form today because I, at least, thought he would be outraged about the shooting. He was upset, but made it very clear that as a former officer, when it’s a known gang member versus yourself, he could understand. He recognized that it would not be a popular stance, but he also said, “You won’t know if you’ve never been there.”

Towards the end of our class, someone came in the door. I didn’t turn around to see who it was, until Professor Hillman smiled and said, “Captain McFadden, how are you?”

My head swiveled around and I saw the dark head woman from the precinct. Ryan’s mother.

Great.

They hugged and chatted for a while like they were old friends. At one point, they called up Jesse. I was trying to pay attention to my group work, but my eyes kept wandering to her. She had the grace to not look at me, but I knew she was aware of me because she refused to look my way.

When the class was over, Professor Hillman called me up to introduce me to the great Captain.

“Captain, this is D’asia, one of my star students. She’s shown great potential and maybe one day will think about law enforcement. She’s undecided right now, but hopefully this class will shape her mind towards the law.” He smiled at me. “D’asia, this is Captain McFadden, over in the…”

“We’ve met before,” I interrupted him. “Captain.”

“Yes, D’asia,” she annunciated every syllable.

“Oh, well I’ll leave you two to talk.” He nodded.

Folding my arms across my arms, I raised an eyebrow at the captain.

“D’asia, I mean no harm towards you dear. I see,” she waved her open palm around the room, “that you’re getting your life together. Kudos to you, but your come up will not be on the back of my son. You must understand where I’m coming from.” She nodded. “Surely, you do.”

“Does it,” I waved my hand around the room, “look like I’m trying to come up on the back of anyone except my hard work?” I glared at her.

Ignoring my last statement, like I hadn’t even made it, she continued, “I’ll make sure your brother’s infractions go away if you leave Ryan alone. It’ll be like nothing ever happened.”

My eyes narrowed as my pulse spiked to an irregular beat. Had this woman lost her mind?

“Are you insane?”

“What will it be?” She asked, ignoring my question again.

“Captain, I don’t get down like that. What is between me and Ryan will remain between me and Ryan. You will have no say in who I date or don’t, so take that shit and shove it up your snobby ass.” I moved away from her but she grabbed me.

Quickly spinning around, she said, “Honey, I’ll ruin your career before you even chose one. So, I’d advise you to think about this offer because it does have an expiration date.”

“Honey,” I said through gritted teeth, “You’d better get your hands off of me, before you find out what happens when hood bitches feel like someone is threatening them.”

Her eyes blinked as she looked at her fingers wrapped around my forearm. She quickly let go, then took a step back. I rolled my eyes and left. Having made it all the way to the train station, as I was about to descend down the stairs, I heard my name.

Spinning around, I saw Ryan with wide eyes. He walked towards me with quick steps and his hands clasped my face, “What’s wrong?” he breathed.

I didn’t realize that tears were running down my face. This was absolutely the craziest thing in the world and everything was coming at me all at the same time. I just could not take it anymore.

“Stay away from me,” I yelled as I moved his hands away from my face. “I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.”

“What the fuck is wrong? D’asia, tell me what happened?” He seemed frantic.

I was the one that needed to be frantic. “Just leave me along, Ryan. Okay? Just leave me alone.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “Fine. Just come with me. Okay. No doubles tonight, just come with me. Alright.”

“No, Ryan. I don’t want to go anywhere with you. I’m going home.” I pulled further away from him and towards the subway stairs.

“D’asia. Won’t tell you again. I got you. Let’s just go somewhere and talk, sweetness.”

He was back in my space, holding out his hand towards me and waiting for me to take it. There was a couple across the street looking at us but besides that no one else was around. I stared at his hand for a bit, then I made a decision and backed away.

“Wrong decision.” He kept his hand out. “You’re trying to run from this when we really do need to have the closure. Neither of us should continue to try to move on without closure. You want out, we talk, and we get closure. Got it.”

That made sense.

“Fine.” I stepped back towards him.

He turned away from me and opened the cruiser passenger seat door. His head nudged forward signaling for me to get inside. Slowly, I sat down as he drove. There was not much to say, so I looked out the window for the entire hour long ride. Ryan told his supervisor, he could not do the extra shift tonight, which did not go over well, but Ryan didn’t care. I also texted Zee that he could have the leftovers and I’d be home much later.

When he finally stopped the car, I looked to see that we were in front of a three-story building.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“My apartment.” He replied, as he grabbed my hand.

“No, what city?” I asked.

“Queens.” He guided me up the stairs to the front door of the brownstone apartment building.

Once we entered his place, he led me to the kitchen with my hand in his and sat me at the kitchen counter. He reached into the refrigerator and grabbed two water bottles. Sliding one to me on the smooth counter, I caught it and opened.