15 Things Highly Happy Wives and Girlfriends Understand About Men That You Don't (3 page)

Likewise, if your man has done something to hurt your feelings, throwing a screaming, crying fit is not going to change the fact that it happened.

It is absolutely okay to tell the man you love that you do not like something they are doing in a regular, controlled conversation. In fact, he is more likely to take the issue under advisement, and not repeat the offense.

Here is a communicative example:

If you have a problem with the way your man cleans the kitchen, instead of saying this: "UGH! You did it wrong again! How many times do I have to tell you to use THIS cleaning agent, not THAT one! How hard is it to clean a sink?" you could say, "Hey, darlin' if we use the 409 instead of the Lysol, all of this weird sticky stuff comes off. Any ideas on what else we can try?"

Using we is a great way to have a conversation. It delivers a team mentality, and helps convey a supportive approach. You are not accusing him of doing it wrong, you are simply looking for suggestions on how you both can do it right.

Equally as important as giving constructive advice is receiving it, without being made to feel as if you are being belittled. Women typically jump straight into defensive mode when their man approaches them about an issue.

It is important to know that he is not trying to start a fight with you. He just wants you to know that if you leave the BBQ tools outside in the rain, they will rust.

That is it. He is not calling you stupid, or saying that you have no idea what you are doing in this world. He is simply saying that they will rust, and nothing more.

Women have a hard time grasping this because it is harder for them to just say exactly what they want to say. Instead, they get worked up and let their emotions do the talking.

This leaves me feeling confused and exhausted, which means not only have you not solved the issue, you have now convinced him that he never wants to clean the kitchen again. The best advice women can receive from anyone is to be objective and honest. Would you ever call your best friend an idiot for not using the right cleaning agent?

Or would you tell her what you use and why, suggesting that she try it? So why would you yell at your man for doing it differently?

It is not fair, and it is absolutely unnecessary.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

•   Remember to use the word “we” when your teaching him how to do something correctly. And lose the tone or any hint that you’re bugged… Kill with kindness.

•   Learn how to take criticism. When my wife and I were first married, it blew my mind how much criticism she could dole out without ever wanting to hear any herself. Luckily that’s changed, and you can help yourself out big-time by starting to work on it now.

Women have trouble being happy if everything is not going their way, and the first person they blame for this is typically the man in their life.

No matter where they are, something could always be better, and the boyfriend or husband is always the one who gets to hear how.

Women, for some reason, never appreciate the fact that this type of cynicism gets very old, very quickly. They act as if it is their man's job to listen to them moan and complain about everything in the world, but would never offer the same support in return.

Imagine being in the car with someone who will not shut up about the traffic, or the another person's inability to drive as well as they do.

Men suffer through immeasurable circumstances of women complaining, and if they mention their displeasure with the arrangement, an argument is certain to follow.

Small things like it being too cold somewhere, or not wanting to watch football on Sundays, are two simple examples of how women can ruin a perfectly great time, instead of sucking it up and enjoying themselves.

This means that instead of taking a sweater or jacket out to dinner, the evening has to be cut short so you will stop complaining about how cold it is.

This is not enjoyable for anyone, especially if you are in a group, or other people can hear you. Complaining at home is bad enough, but complaining in public makes you sound awful.

As much as you do not think so, people are going to feel sorry for your boyfriend or husband, not think you are awesome for wanting to be warmer. Do everyone a favor and keep a jacket or long sleeved shirt in your car.

It is always going to be chillier in a restaurant than it is outside in the summertime, so be prepared. Women are always prepared. Girls are not.

Likewise, football is on every Sunday in the fall. Every, single Sunday. If you have a boyfriend or husband who enjoys watching it, why would you want to take that from him?

He certainly sits through all of the awful chick flick movies, television dramas and sitcoms that you enjoy, so why not leave him to his own devices on Sundays instead of complaining about how he "doesn't do anything while football is on." 

This is nothing new, and it is not a surprise. Your man does not want to talk about the future of your relationship while his team is playing on Sundays.

He does not want to go for a walk or go pick out tiling, bathroom fixtures or flooring on Sundays. It is incredibly easy to work around it, and even easier for you to let him be. Why fight it?

Just to be awful, or impose your will on him?

It is important to be grateful for your relationship, and the things you have. Delivering a "thank you" or "this is fun" to your man while you are out on the town will get you a lot more of those nights out.

If you spend your dinners complaining about the service, the temperature of the restaurant or over analyzing the entire evening's worst qualities, your man is never going to want to take you anywhere.

Stop complaining about things that do not matter. Enjoy the moment, the evening, or the event instead of making everyone else miserable.

It really is hard for women to understand that when they voice their displeasure with something it ruins everyone else's time. If everyone, including your man, is having a great time, why would you ruin it for the whole group by complaining?

Complaining -- whether you are with your man, your friends, your family or your church group -- is unbecoming. Try being positive, and enjoying the moment. If you really are freezing to death, ask if you guys can move the party outside for a bit, or enlist a friend or two to join you in a warmer part of the establishment. It is that simple to hang in there, and take one for the team, instead of becoming the brat of the party.

If you are a woman and are dating, living with or are married to a man, there is a reason for your relationship, which means at one point everyone was happy with the arrangement.

So what happened?

At which point did you decide that it was okay to complain, nag and depress your man's ability to enjoy your relationship?

Again, place the shoe on your foot and think for a moment that your man is the one complaining about the service, how cold it is somewhere, or talking through the entire episode of Grey's Anatomy.

How would that make you feel? Less than? Under appreciated? It works both ways. It is important to acknowledge that and deliver the same amount of respect that you request during these occasions.

KEY TAKEAWAYS:

•   Fire yourself as your man’s personal driving coach as soon as possible. Your man has been successfully driving up to this point without your “tips”. Whenever I ask guys the specific things that their wives or girlfriends complain about, the number one thing that they specifically mention that drive them crazy is when their lady tries to tell them how to drive.

I don’t know what it is, and cars have only been around for a little while so it’s not a caveman instinct, but being told how to drive is the most infuriating thing on the planet. The sooner you can just learn to just stay silent whenever you feel like you have driving advice for your husband or boyfriend, the sooner those huge fights can quit happening “every time you go somewhere”. Those fights almost always start with driving tips from the woman.

•   Start to monitor yourself everyday and notice how much you complain. Now I realize that once you’re both at home your partner is the only person you can vent to, but if it really is usually you that’s complaining most of the time, I can guarantee you that your man is sick of hearing it. Just as an experiment, try going a full week without verbally logging one complaint- whether directed to your man or just in general. You’ll see a drastic reduction in the amount of fights you get in.

It is only fair to point out, that no matter how old a man is when you begin a relationship with him, he has gotten to that point in his life without you.

He has made his bed, cooked his own meals, paid his own bills and somehow survived into his 20s, 30s, and 40s and beyond, without being under your supervision. He has driven his car, read a map, stopped for gas before running out, and changed a tire, all without your guidance.

He has talked to customer service people, requested a better table, tipped bartenders sufficiently and has consulted a doctor, dentist, accountant or lawyer when the need arised.

He has gone to school, gotten a job -- many, probably -- been promoted, conquered tough issues, and made informed and not-so-smart decisions, all without your input. The truth is, he has made it this far in life without you, and would more than likely manage to do the same without you.

His life will not stop, his house will not implode and his car will not stop running if you are no longer around. Chances are this is not his first relationship, and if it is filled with constant monitoring, complaining and incessant insults and aggravation, it will not be his last.

The bottom line is that it is important for women to understand that they do not have to respond to everything a man does.

You do not have to tell him which way to drive, unless you are the one holding the map. You do not have to tell him how to talk to his mother, of whom he has been dealing with regularly for his entire life.

You do not have to tell him how to consume food, when to take ibuprofen or when to consult a professional of any sort. He has managed his entire life before you arrived, and will certainly be able to make himself a meal while you are traveling for a couple of days.

That is not to say that you should not do something nice for him, like prepare a nice salad or one of his favorite dishes before you go. He would love and appreciate such a gesture.

However, that does not mean he is incapable of feeding himself when you are not around, so do not make him feel that way.

He does not need your approval, he needs your support. He does not need you to tell him it is okay to mix towels with t-shirts when he is doing laundry; he needs you to thank him for doing the laundry.

He does not need you to monitor his meals, or how he consumes them, he needs for you to enjoy the time the two of you spend together during them.

He does not have to do everything you like to do, nor do it in the exact same way. The difference between two individuals is what gives them balance, not the right to complain. Displaying constant dissatisfaction with your man is damning, and irreversible.

Stop trying to turn him into you, and just enjoy who he is. He will love and appreciate you for it immediately, and will be so happy that he has finally found someone who -- for once -- does not want to change him.

KEY TAKAWAYS:

•   This chapter says it all. Read it a few times. Try another one week experiment in which you don’t offer a single word of “advice” to your husband or boyfriend. You probably won’t get into a single fight.

No matter how much you love and adore your man, it is absolutely imperative that you provide him with the space he needs to enjoy life on his own terms.